Need Advice-Abusive Alcoholic husband in custody

Old 05-28-2014, 10:43 PM
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Need Advice-Abusive Alcoholic husband in custody

This evening, i experienced an episode of domestic abuse with my alcoholic husband. 911 was called. The police arrived and took my husband into custody. As i understand from the police officer's explanation, if i want to press charges i need to appear in front of the DA tomorrow at 9AM. If i do not appear in court the charges will be dropped. Things just really escalated tonight...he is typically not abusive. My question is: should i end up filing for divorce is it in my best interest to appear in court tomorrow and formally file charges? Would filing help my divorce case? I have no chidren. What happens to my husband if i do file charges? Is he kept in jail and is there typically a hearing and sentencing? Thank you for your help!
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:48 PM
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If there was violence, file the charges.

The court system will deal with the rest. One step at a time.
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Old 05-28-2014, 10:52 PM
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I just went through this. But in my situation, there had been violence before and I never reported it. You cannot worry about what happens to him. He didn't worry about what was happening to you during the violent episode. It may be the thing to stop him and know you are setting up boundaries for him not to do it ever again to you!

It gets more and more difficult to stand up to them. I think the longer this goes on the more guilty the victim feels. That is why cases are dropped so often. But you need to go tomorrow and show him it is NOT ok to treat you that way! You didn't put him there, his actions put him there!
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Old 05-29-2014, 07:31 AM
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File the charges. When this happens again (and it will), you will regret not having acted the first time, both from a legal and personal standpoint. He went there and crossed that line. It can never be uncrossed.
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Old 05-29-2014, 08:45 AM
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Hello YellowBirdy,

I hope very much that you went to the courthouse this morning to press charges. You deserve to be protected and not harmed any further by this man.

Originally Posted by YellowBirdy View Post
Things just really escalated tonight...he is typically not abusive.
From your first post here in 2010:

Originally Posted by YellowBirdy
It eventually turned violent during our fighting (shoving, smacking) & when we were both bruised I knew we needed professional help.
This is not an isolated incident, and I hope and pray that you will reach out for the help you need. Please do not minimize this hoping and praying for things to get better.

I hope you will check back in with us and let us know how things are going. We do care!
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Old 05-29-2014, 08:56 AM
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YellowBirdy, My ex was not normally a violent abusive person. Most of what I went through was emotional and verbal abuse. Silent treatments, him running away from home.

I can look at the past now that I am away, and I can look at the physical abuse also. I have written about it here, and when I write about what I went through people would tell me my marriage was physically abusive. I didn't see it then, because once he hit me the emotional and verbal abuse would stop, the fighting would stop (for a short time), but that was only because he knew he could be in trouble legally.

I'll be truthful about whether reporting this or filing charges is useful for the divorce. The answer is really "no". What it is useful for is, for you to acknowledge the pain, for him to know that it is not OK with you. For you to know that there is no way that you should be treated like this. You don't deserve any of it.

I do hope you went to court today. In most States, and actually I thought in all States, that it is no longer up to the person that was being abused to file the charges, the State usually does, because they know that the victim will usually drop the charges.

We're here for you, let us know how things go.

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Old 05-29-2014, 09:12 AM
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Seren has a good point. Perhaps he might not fit your head's idea of abusive, but there has been violence before. Whatever happened this time was bad enough for your to call the police - that has to tell you something!

Honestly, the moment I read the title of your post, the thought that crossed my mind was 'best place for him, then'. Don't think too far ahead, I hope you gave your statement. The courts's judgement process may well help you work through what you want out of this. For now, just get this incident logged properly, ok?

Sending you a big internet hug!
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Old 05-29-2014, 08:07 PM
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Thanks so much for your response, Seren. I wanted to post today, but health problems have flared up due to stress. It is very true, and very sad, that this isn't the first incident. I am trying to get through this moment by moment. I can't believe this is my life and my husband has a public mugshot now online. Unfortunately, I was unable to go to court today. However, they held him all day and then released him this evening. He was also fined. He is not supposed to contact me for 72 hours, or he can go back to jail. Thanks to everyone for their great advice and words of encouragement. Would not have made it through today without it all!
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Old 05-29-2014, 08:19 PM
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Originally Posted by Nbgirl View Post
I can tell you from experience....I Wish I had called a handful of times...should have. Scary things happened but I was afraid of telling on him (wth?). Go, continue moving forward otherwise he will know you will not stand up for yourself.
this this THIS! I wish I had called so many times, but only did towards the very end(I already had plans to move out, was looking for an apt. at the time)

if he does it once, he WILL do it again, guaranteed.
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Old 05-30-2014, 11:09 AM
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File the charges and stay safe.
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Old 05-30-2014, 11:42 AM
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File charges, go to court and be calm and rational, and even seek some type of protective order if you want one. You deserve to be safe! The end of April my husband hit me and I called the police. The first week I had many moments when I thought I should back off but I got through it and have even extended a protection order. He has proved to me so many times that he will hurt me any way he can. God bless and I pray for peace for you, lots of us here know that is this my life feeling.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:30 PM
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You Can Run...

Cellular calls and texts don't go away. They remain on a cellular server. Even when erased. Let your Phone Log compile those calls as proof if he contacts you impermissably. A pic of him at your door or in a parking lot can be date/time stamped by texting it to a friend or by e.mailing it to yourself soon thereafter.

A phone location when used in a call can be confirmed to about 10'. This has been used in some Abduction cases and similar crimes.

A retired cellular engineer...
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Old 06-03-2014, 06:39 PM
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Ok follow up...I am the stupidest woman in the world. My AH has never ever apologized for anything. But he has been so pitiful and apologizes and promises the moon and the stars now. And of course he is manipulating me and trying to get me to meet him in public. I'm sure just to prove the point home to the judge that I'm not afraid of him. But I am afraid of him and don't care what he promised I would never meet him in public. And because that atty told me to try and work something out with him I have communicated back. Yes, I already know all of the horrible things I did by doing this. I went to the social services today and she said I need to apply for food stamps. Then I received a call and was offered and part time job which is huge because I haven't worked in 19 years. But then I had an appointment with a very good and respected lawyer. He said that other lawyer is an idiot and should be disbarred for telling me that. He said that I made the PFA order null and void. He then said I wouldn't be able to get anything from my husband because I hadn't been married more than 10 years and that the judge would not reissue the PFA order because of my contact with my AH. He told me to get out of the house and get away from AH. I have less than two weeks to sell all of my furniture and as much other things as I can. Try and raise enough money to find a place to move to. My daughter is leaving for college in a couple months and this has been very difficult on her. It is so hard to plan for her to leave and pack just what she needs for college when she has no idea where her other things will end up or where her brother, sister and I will be able to live. I am almost 50 years old been through two abusive marriages and have lost all of my worldly possessions because of these two divorces. I feel the worst for my children. They have been wonderful to me, but look what I have put them through all because of my inability to choose the right partner.
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Old 06-03-2014, 07:59 PM
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I hope you have contacted a hotline for abused women. While he is out, this is a good time to get some things in order to keep him out -- that hotline could help you with that I'm sure. I have read so many other women on here that have posted about their own abuse and it doesn't get better, but I suspect you know this. You're the only one that can change this for yourself..please make a call to help can do it!
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Old 06-03-2014, 09:09 PM
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I have talked to many people. I have another (my second) counseling session with an outreach counselor. This is my fault. I communicated with my AH and so it voided Oder of protection and it is doubtful the judge will issue an extended one because of that. This is ally fault and my children are scared (rightfully so) about not having a home and having no idea where we are going to live. I am in shell shock myself and starting to wonder if I should just take more abuse until the kids are old enough to all be in college. I think they would be happier with me if I did that. And I don't blame them. I cannot imagine being their ages and not knowing where I was going to live or how my mom was going to pay for food or anything else.
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Old 06-04-2014, 12:28 AM
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Searching, I am so sorry that you're going through this. Please know that you're worth more than putting up with the abuse until your kids are off to college.

And... I don't think your children would be happier living in a home where their momma is often scared or hurt. I worried about the same thing with DS. But even with the uncertainty I felt, DS blossomed after we got away. He went from a quiet little guy to a rambunctious goofball who liked to tease and run and laugh.

The counsellors at the local DV shelter were able to point out and find so many options. The hardest part for me was asking for and accepting help. Have you talked with them about the protective order?

Hugs, if OK. Wishing you continued strength.
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