rehab - checked in today
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rehab - checked in today
My husband checked himself into a recovery center today. We didn't rush the journey there.
His anxiety level has been very high this week. He sobered up enough to leave home with me yesterday morning to go look at a rehab center 4 hours away. It took more than 8 hours to get there, and he did continue drinking to cope with the escalating anxiety. I was okay with that due to the fact that I can't control it. I won't buy it for him, but I won't stop him from buying it or pour it out. That doesn't work. It was kept in the trunk.
Our son went with us. He knows what's going on; together we packed up games, books, food, etc. for the road trip. AH kept most of his drinking out of sight of DS, but we were also open with DS about Dad not being able to stop drinking and that he needs help. Blast me if you like, but again, I've been going by prayer and instinct all week, and anywhere I've screwed up is because I'm human.
At one point halfway there he panicked and wanted to turn around. We kept taking our time and slowly working through things, took detours, played at parks, at a couple rivers, lots of time outdoors letting DS play and AH adjust. Talking to his AA friend helped a lot, although he wouldn't make the call so I called, telling him I know AAF wanted to talk to him. AH knew that too.
We finally checked out the center and it's okay. All along I kept telling him that we can drive to this city and that one afterwards to check out others. That we have all the time he needs to find what kind of help is right for him, but that it needs to be done. That he needs help and knows it, but it's up to him what help that is going to be. He frequently had been trying to use the "I'll get it done." phrase as in, I'll get it done without rehab. I was able to deal with it and move on from there; eventually he mostly accepted that he needs some kind of serious help. He talked to an AA friend a couple times.
All through this I always knew he may not accept any help and I truly was able to accept that as his right and not future trip the what-ifs of that.
If I had pushed, I believe he would have checked in there, but I've been learning and Carlotta's recent postings have helped immensely.
Eventually we headed to another city another 3 hours away. We stayed at a small motel halfway there, had more family time, lots of snuggle time where AH needed to hold us close. He's had a ton of memories running through his head and doesn't want to be the alcoholic dad who dies young like his dad did. Yesterday morning we wound up near where AH's dad did rehab at. We'd been playing within a long range view of it and hadn't realized it until about to get in the car. It took his dad three times at rehab to quit, before later dieing from heart failure, likely due to his alcoholism. AH was a year younger than DS7 when his dad died. It seemed like everywhere we went, all the detours, the routes we went on, kept prompting memories and meaning for AH. We could have had DS stay with family, but AH was okay with having him along, and probably needed that. DS took the tours of both rehabs with us and we talked to him about learning about alcoholism, taking classes there -- that although dad did that before, he still has more to learn about it.
Today was a different frame of mind for AH. It still took most of the morning to get going and there was a little bit of covering mental territory that we'd gone over yesterday, like whether I was trying to force him in somewhere. Again, giving it time until he was ready to, as he said, to "let's get after it." Still some delays, but not as many or as long as the day before. He had talked to them on the phone the day before and was seeing more and more how much he needed help. His own realizations -- not me trying to make them happen. They came about as we did things together, and a lot of time that I took in prayer for letting things go.
After made it there, took the tour and talked about their programs, that was it. I think from the moment he was there, he was planning on staying. Anxiety was still high, but he knew it was what he needed to do for himself. He got the paperwork done, we went to Walmart and bought some clothes, a duffle bag and toiletries. When we left yesterday morning, I had some things in the car for each of us, but I wasn't planning for anything and definitely did not pack for him to be anywhere. The only thing important at that moment was starting our trip. Then another 4+ hours home for DS and I. It's okay to not know how tomorrow will go. The sun will rise, DS will be at a school field trip, AH will be however many hours into detoxing, and I'll be taking care of me. I'm tired, but still in a good place mentally. So different than the first trip to rehab last December.
His anxiety level has been very high this week. He sobered up enough to leave home with me yesterday morning to go look at a rehab center 4 hours away. It took more than 8 hours to get there, and he did continue drinking to cope with the escalating anxiety. I was okay with that due to the fact that I can't control it. I won't buy it for him, but I won't stop him from buying it or pour it out. That doesn't work. It was kept in the trunk.
Our son went with us. He knows what's going on; together we packed up games, books, food, etc. for the road trip. AH kept most of his drinking out of sight of DS, but we were also open with DS about Dad not being able to stop drinking and that he needs help. Blast me if you like, but again, I've been going by prayer and instinct all week, and anywhere I've screwed up is because I'm human.
At one point halfway there he panicked and wanted to turn around. We kept taking our time and slowly working through things, took detours, played at parks, at a couple rivers, lots of time outdoors letting DS play and AH adjust. Talking to his AA friend helped a lot, although he wouldn't make the call so I called, telling him I know AAF wanted to talk to him. AH knew that too.
We finally checked out the center and it's okay. All along I kept telling him that we can drive to this city and that one afterwards to check out others. That we have all the time he needs to find what kind of help is right for him, but that it needs to be done. That he needs help and knows it, but it's up to him what help that is going to be. He frequently had been trying to use the "I'll get it done." phrase as in, I'll get it done without rehab. I was able to deal with it and move on from there; eventually he mostly accepted that he needs some kind of serious help. He talked to an AA friend a couple times.
All through this I always knew he may not accept any help and I truly was able to accept that as his right and not future trip the what-ifs of that.
If I had pushed, I believe he would have checked in there, but I've been learning and Carlotta's recent postings have helped immensely.
Eventually we headed to another city another 3 hours away. We stayed at a small motel halfway there, had more family time, lots of snuggle time where AH needed to hold us close. He's had a ton of memories running through his head and doesn't want to be the alcoholic dad who dies young like his dad did. Yesterday morning we wound up near where AH's dad did rehab at. We'd been playing within a long range view of it and hadn't realized it until about to get in the car. It took his dad three times at rehab to quit, before later dieing from heart failure, likely due to his alcoholism. AH was a year younger than DS7 when his dad died. It seemed like everywhere we went, all the detours, the routes we went on, kept prompting memories and meaning for AH. We could have had DS stay with family, but AH was okay with having him along, and probably needed that. DS took the tours of both rehabs with us and we talked to him about learning about alcoholism, taking classes there -- that although dad did that before, he still has more to learn about it.
Today was a different frame of mind for AH. It still took most of the morning to get going and there was a little bit of covering mental territory that we'd gone over yesterday, like whether I was trying to force him in somewhere. Again, giving it time until he was ready to, as he said, to "let's get after it." Still some delays, but not as many or as long as the day before. He had talked to them on the phone the day before and was seeing more and more how much he needed help. His own realizations -- not me trying to make them happen. They came about as we did things together, and a lot of time that I took in prayer for letting things go.
After made it there, took the tour and talked about their programs, that was it. I think from the moment he was there, he was planning on staying. Anxiety was still high, but he knew it was what he needed to do for himself. He got the paperwork done, we went to Walmart and bought some clothes, a duffle bag and toiletries. When we left yesterday morning, I had some things in the car for each of us, but I wasn't planning for anything and definitely did not pack for him to be anywhere. The only thing important at that moment was starting our trip. Then another 4+ hours home for DS and I. It's okay to not know how tomorrow will go. The sun will rise, DS will be at a school field trip, AH will be however many hours into detoxing, and I'll be taking care of me. I'm tired, but still in a good place mentally. So different than the first trip to rehab last December.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Seattle suburb
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You sound so at strong and also at peace, it is nice to hear a story of hope for a change. And following your instincts is exactly what you should be doing. I will be thinking of all 3 of you and keeping you in my prayers too 
.
.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Thanks, Mags.
and as a general note for any new members, this is not a how-to or how-I-did-it other than working fully on myself and changing me from within. If I hadn't figured out how to let go of trying to control things, I wouldn't have been able to step back and support him through this. He's been building his support network and I've been building mine. We're both learning to reach out for help, how to ask for it and how to accept it. None of it's easy, but we're getting there, one step at a time. Thank you so very much, my SR friends. The thanks would still be there if he hadn't gone into rehab, for I'd still be living true to myself.
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By the time we went through the tour at the second rehab, I think he was more afraid of what would happen if he wasn't there than he was of being there.
and as a general note for any new members, this is not a how-to or how-I-did-it other than working fully on myself and changing me from within. If I hadn't figured out how to let go of trying to control things, I wouldn't have been able to step back and support him through this. He's been building his support network and I've been building mine. We're both learning to reach out for help, how to ask for it and how to accept it. None of it's easy, but we're getting there, one step at a time. Thank you so very much, my SR friends. The thanks would still be there if he hadn't gone into rehab, for I'd still be living true to myself.
----------------
By the time we went through the tour at the second rehab, I think he was more afraid of what would happen if he wasn't there than he was of being there.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
KTF, I am so glad he's getting help and that you and your son are doing well. I am sure you're relieved and emotionally drained. I've been reading a book that may be helpful to you. Your approach to helping your husband is similar to the techniques and ideas they espouse in Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.
Amazon.com: Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change eBook: Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, Nicole Kosanke, Stephanie Higgs: Kindle Store
It's helped me improve my communication skills, not only with my BF but in all areas of my life.
Hang in there.....you're doing great! Wishing you much strength and healing. xo
Amazon.com: Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change eBook: Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, Nicole Kosanke, Stephanie Higgs: Kindle Store
It's helped me improve my communication skills, not only with my BF but in all areas of my life.
Hang in there.....you're doing great! Wishing you much strength and healing. xo
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
KTF, what a powerful story. Thanks for sharing this. Being a logical person, I had no grasp on the struggle between agreeing rehab was needed, selecting one, and physically going in to admit.
I hope he does the work. You have surely been doing yours. Hugs and rest!
I hope he does the work. You have surely been doing yours. Hugs and rest!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
I'm glad your husband is where he needs to be to get help, keepingthefaith!
I suppose one thing I'll never understand is the addict's fear of recovery.
I know that logic is not to be expected, but it really is a complete puzzle to my reason. It seems to me that when an addict says they are afraid to go to rehab, they are saying:
"I'm afraid to save my life."
"I'm afraid to get healthy."
"I'm afraid to repair my relationships."
I'm sure in some cases, perhaps in many cases, these are just excuses to keep drinking or drugging.
I'll just never get it.
I suppose one thing I'll never understand is the addict's fear of recovery.
I know that logic is not to be expected, but it really is a complete puzzle to my reason. It seems to me that when an addict says they are afraid to go to rehab, they are saying:
"I'm afraid to save my life."
"I'm afraid to get healthy."
"I'm afraid to repair my relationships."
I'm sure in some cases, perhaps in many cases, these are just excuses to keep drinking or drugging.
I'll just never get it.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
KTF -- many hugs to you in the coming days. This is not an easy process.
I think it's more like "I'm afraid to face the damage I've done," and "I'm afraid to face this without my primary coping method."
Back to your regularly scheduled programming!
I know that logic is not to be expected, but it really is a complete puzzle to my reason. It seems to me that when an addict says they are afraid to go to rehab, they are saying:
"I'm afraid to save my life."
"I'm afraid to get healthy."
"I'm afraid to repair my relationships."
"I'm afraid to save my life."
"I'm afraid to get healthy."
"I'm afraid to repair my relationships."
Back to your regularly scheduled programming!
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Originally Posted by Florence 
I think it's more like "I'm afraid to face the damage I've done," and "I'm afraid to face this without my primary coping method."
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Do you have a line drawn for yourself and your son now? I remember you had one before the earlier rehab. The line was moved. I am available to help you think through a plan B if you want.
HUgs
HUgs
Thank you. No. I didn't move the line, I completely erased it. Please don't freak out. It's was time for me and is okay.
I used to be worried about at what point, where my boundaries are, what-do-I-do-if, etc. I needed to think about those things a lot for a long time. Those were very good, necessary exercises.
Somewhere along the way I stopped needing answers or boundaries. It's not that the boundaries aren't there, it's that I don't need to think of them that way. I'm finding strength in who I am and the boundaries are natural. They're a part of me. They don't need to be set in stone. They're a part of my full self and I'm able to make decisions on a daily basis; I'm also able to let myself be human and not need to be right about things or to know the answers. I don't really know how to describe this, but there's been a major internal change within me. My therapist had a suggestion for me on opening my heart, and with that I put aside the protective shell I've had around me and am open to fully living again. This was not easy, but I had done a lot of ground work with healing me, had faith and made the jump. I continue to consciously open my heart to others and to life. Lots of praying, talking to God and quietly listening in faith, connecting to nature and doing energy work. Letting myself be open and a part of the universe instead of closed off and fighting on my own. Even when I was giving it up to God before, I was still closed off from others and life. He led me to where I've needed to be instead of where I wanted to go.
readerbaby, I was emotionally and physically tired last night, and yet today I'm already refreshed and finding balance again. I'm taking care of my responsibilities yet adjusting to what can be done instead of setting super high expectations for myself that will never be done. The 2-do list has been a life saver for me. Thank you for the book! I'm going to download it today and take some reading time this afternoon.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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The way you dealt with this was amazing !!
Its putting into practice the same methodology my counselor has taught me. And it also aligns with the Craft Method (community reinforcement and family training) Im just now learning. The book Readerbaby mentioned uses this approach too. What you did really matches up with this type of loving, strong support that allowed you to use your knowledge and special relationship to gently support, and guide him into a place where he made the choices for himself. I also think this was a very healthy approach to take with your son.
Im in awe right now ! Ive not had to use these concepts for anything "big" with my husband yet, but its helps with our daily interactions and feels natural to me. Thank you for sharing !!
Its putting into practice the same methodology my counselor has taught me. And it also aligns with the Craft Method (community reinforcement and family training) Im just now learning. The book Readerbaby mentioned uses this approach too. What you did really matches up with this type of loving, strong support that allowed you to use your knowledge and special relationship to gently support, and guide him into a place where he made the choices for himself. I also think this was a very healthy approach to take with your son.
Im in awe right now ! Ive not had to use these concepts for anything "big" with my husband yet, but its helps with our daily interactions and feels natural to me. Thank you for sharing !!
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71
I am sure you're relieved and emotionally drained. .... Hang in there.....you're doing great! Wishing you much strength and healing. xo
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