Butterfly

Ok so since my AH left over 2 months ago I have sat about and cried not able to focus on work and went off sick. Then I sat about the house and cried doing just what had to be done about the house and for the kids (thankfully they are 20 &16) and no more. I have thought about my AH and nothing else I've obsessed and texted practically trying to beg him m to get help to safe our marriage and family. I have obsessed over whether he is in love with me and if he wants a future with me!! Basically I have driven myself nuts while he has refused to think about us or deal with the issues. I know he's been caring for his uncle who recently passed away and he says he feels numb and doesn't know how he feels about anything and has done for a long time. I don't really know what he means by feeling numb but I have realised that's for him to figure out how he feels and whether he wants to stop drinking!

So today is my first day of no contact and I am determined that I will focus on me and my kids from here on in. No longer will I obsess about him and what he is doing and if he is trying to figure things out. Today iam going for some retail therapy with my daughter and might even get my belly button pierced lol. This is the first day where I focus on me and enjoy it and not feel guilty!!!

dandylion

Confused---you have just flat-out made me laugh!! I have heard of many many different things that we do to distract ourselves from the pain---but, this is the first time the belly button has been mentioned!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

involved

Good for you! After all, we can only control ourselves! The rest is in the hands of the Universe...and no amount of our crazy sh@t is gonna do anything except get in the way of the Universes plan! And we would certainly be so much more peaceful and productive if we took time to take care of ourselves and our business! When I start to feel that grip of obsession and control in my brain, and my heart starts to race and my breathing becomes rapid and the adrennalin starts to surge thru my body, I stop and say to myself..."I am bringing this uncomfortableness on myself! I will be OK because the Universe has got this! The Universe loves me and has a plan and I am ok because I am right where I am supposed to be and he will make whatever choices he makes...if he continues to make the choice to stay in his sickness...thats sad for him, But I am making the choice to heal myself...the Universe loves ME and I am OK"! I wish you the best!

Pia

I am excited to hear you will take care of yourself. Don't look back keep moving forward.

Love yourself it's the greatest gifts to give yourself.

Live

You are doing what I did, coming here to count my days of no contact sobriety. And it worked really well! It's a great gift to yourself, I promise.

I am too old and overweight to use and enjoy my belly button piercing..but I enjoyed it as long as I could. There is some fun jewelry out there. I wore a spider the whole month of Halloween....so have fun!

Refiner

Good for YOU! You GO! You definitely deserve it! Don't allow thoughts of him to steal your soul! Go celebrate YOU!

biminiblue

You just made my day. Keep it up - whenever your little brain starts saying, "yeah, but" just tell it "No."

You are going to feel 100% better if you can keep this up.

Astolfo

Congratulations! And remember too that, even though they are 20 and 16, you are still modelling healthy boundaries and good self-care for your children, and those are both necessary and transforming.

mdkathy62

Hi Confused39,

Thank you for sharing. It sounds like you are starting what is going to be a good journey. One day at a time and if you slip up, start over. I found that with each passing day, everything becomes easier and easier. Every once and awhile, my ex will pop into my mind. I start to wonder how he is doing, but then I bring myself back to my current life and start thinking about all the things I am grateful for now that I am not in that life anymore.

Try doing that if it interests you - list a few things you are grateful for everyday. I did that the first month I left my ex and it helped me tremendously.

Butterfly

Thanks everyone. I had a lovely day with my daughter and my 5 year old niece and yes I got my belly button pierced ouch lol. Don't get me wrong he was in the back of my mind and I a feeling of emptiness but I kept diverting my thoughts. Obviously I can't go shopping everyday although I would love to so I have to think of other things to do to keep me busy and my mind occupied!! One thing I for sure keeping busy helps to not constantly focus on him.

Any ideas for things to do to keep busy would be very much appreciated

horsegirl

Have you told him no contact or have you just decided you are not going to contact him? I say this because for me the act of telling my xbf that I wanted no contact for 3 months is the only thing that got me out of the obsessive thinking. No more , is he going to call me? does he love me? I was in a crazy cycle of contact , then I was fine for a few days , then started obsessing if he would get in touch with me.
I texted him and said just that , please no contact for three months . I have not obssesed or cried since.
I hope this no contact brings you peace.

Butterfly

Yes I have told him no contact until he is ready to talk and seek help. The only contact we will have will be about the kids and given their age that will be minimal unless it's arrangements for when he wants to see them so I know or something urgent!!

asm505

hmmm...things to keep you busy, watch a funny movie, read a good book, exercise, take a long bath, go for a walk outside, go for a hike, paint your fingernails/toenails, plant flowers, bake and if you think of him, tell yourself to stop. You deserve better.

mejo

Glad you are getting stronger for NC. Proud of you. It has to be hard.

hopeful4

Pierced your belly....wow...you are brave! LOL...good for you.

Relax, find time to do the things you enjoy. Take good care of you physically and mentally.

XXX

Butterfly

I met a friend for lunch today it was lovely while my AH is constantly on my mind I haven't felt like contacting him constantly asking questions. I am determined contact will only be about the kids but only when necessary. I am feeling more positive I know I have a long way to go and will have days where I am not so positive but I will take each day as it comes.

Butterfly

I spent so many times begging him to stop drinking, crying, shouting, manipulating, ignoring everything a co dependent would do. Even when he left I have spent the last 2 1/2 months begging him to come home reminding him of all the promises he made and how he felt about me. I was constantly focusing on him and not myself slowly I have realised that although he may love me alcohol is more important to him than his wife and kids and nothing I say and do will change that the only thing I can change is my response to him and focus on figuring out who I am and how I feel and my own recovery and that of my kids.

Newlook3

Hi Confused39, I don't come on here very often now but look in every now and then, in part because it helped me so much at a really dark time and also because every now and then I still find myself thinking about my ex and whilst I know without doubt I'm in a so much better place now it helps me refocus on that.
Your post struck a chord with me, many similarities, I know how hard it is to concentrate on work, I found that work got in the way of me obsessing about my ex and I too went off sick (first time in 25 years!) however I would urge you to go back to work as soon as you feel ready, it really does help with the healing and sticking to the no contact.
It is a year now since I was off work and thinking I would never get back to 'normal' however it's only over the last few months that I can see so clearly that my so called normal with my ex was nothing like normal. It was so damaging and unhealthily, to both me and my daughter, I was existing most of the time and not much more. Life is good now, full of laughs, fun and healthy love. Things will get better I promise you, try to take one day at a time, don't look too far ahead, sometimes that can be too overwhelming. Come on here whenever you feel low, or feel like contacting him, it helps to pour your feelings out here and after the urge to contact has normally diminished.
Wishing you and your children a brighter future.

Butterfly

When he first left I was constantly worrying about my future and scared of being on my own. I have stopped looking to the future with the exception of the day ahead. If I look too far ahead I become very scared and anxious. The future scares me so I take one day at a time that's all I can cope with at the minute and I'm ok with that.

iSPAZ

Your strength is inspiring. I am two years out and still struggle some days.