How do I rebuild my Self Esteem and learn to love myself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
How do I rebuild my Self Esteem and learn to love myself?
It's been a long time since I posted... Things in my relationship and my life have been going really well.. I attend Alanon regularly, make program calls, pray on a daily basis, created a God box, I am working the steps, sharing at meetings, with program friends, etc... Bottom line is I am really really trying to build a healthy, accepting and loving relationship with myself. Being in a relationship has really put a spot light on my character defects.. I'm super jealous, controlling, insecure, etc - You name it, I have it. At times these defects are so intense that that they make me crazy in my relationship causing me to believe and tell myself that he is going to leave me one day or I get extremely insecure when a beautiful woman walks by, etc.. I don't want to feel this way anymore.. When my disease attacks, it causes me to project my stuff on to him.Most of the time he is understanding, but sometimes he gets really frustrated with me, which causes us to argue. The past few days, I've been obsessing about him leaving me for his ex who he hasn't seen in 8 years... She was with him before he went away, so I constantly worry about "will his feelings come back once he sees her?" "will he leave me for her after everything we have been through?" etc.... She is extremely pretty which makes me feel even worse... I know this sounds childish, but honestly this is how I feel. I've shared about it today and was a sobbing mess... I just want to love myself.. That's what it all comes down to.. I've been hurt so many times and put so much effort into saving others, that I lost myself.. My eyes just filled up as I typed that last line.. I just want to feel ok- feel like I am worth it to be loved... My boyfriend reassures me so many times day after day and I just can't believe it- can't see it.. I never realized how broken I really am... I guess I never took the time to focus on myself either... I'm finishing up my 4th step tonight and I really am working my program..I just hope I can start believing I am worth it.. I do think I am pretty and have a lot of good qualities, but my disease really over powers me when it comes to my relationship with myself and how I handle things in my relationship with my boyfriend.. If anyone can help me and suggest some things that has helped them with their self esteem/ self love I would be truly grateful. I'm 31yrs old and this is the first time in my life I am really doing something for myself.. I know the road ahead isn't going to be easy, but I will continue to fight .. I have an 11yr old boy who means the world to me and I too am his world.. I just want to get healthy, so he doesn't have to go through the struggles and heartache that I am going through because of my emotional behaviors.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
My old counselor had me meditate on acceptance a lot. The past is the past, the future is the future, people are people, and I am one person in the middle of it. The only thing I can control is me, my behavior. My feelings come and go, like the tide. I don't have to act on them, I don't have to do anything with them. I acknowledge them and move on.
She also had me learn to comfort myself. It included the usual stuff, like drinking warm drinks, wearing comfortable clothing, and wrapping myself up in soft blankets. I was instructed to eat good foods and go to bed early, and do nice things for myself that didn't involve shopping. She also had me visualize something that made me so raw I used to cry every time we tried it in her office: to imagine myself as a little girl, and give myself the love and comfort my parents couldn't give me. In my meditations, I would just scoop Little Florence up and hold and hold and hold her. It felt so silly at first, but it was exactly what I needed.
Over time, doing these things along with finding new healthy ways of expending some of my anxiety (exercise, being outdoors away from my work and problems) made a huge difference in the way I see myself. It's like the tectonic plates shifted, and even though I still had the same life and same issues, I had an entirely new perspective.
She also had me learn to comfort myself. It included the usual stuff, like drinking warm drinks, wearing comfortable clothing, and wrapping myself up in soft blankets. I was instructed to eat good foods and go to bed early, and do nice things for myself that didn't involve shopping. She also had me visualize something that made me so raw I used to cry every time we tried it in her office: to imagine myself as a little girl, and give myself the love and comfort my parents couldn't give me. In my meditations, I would just scoop Little Florence up and hold and hold and hold her. It felt so silly at first, but it was exactly what I needed.
Over time, doing these things along with finding new healthy ways of expending some of my anxiety (exercise, being outdoors away from my work and problems) made a huge difference in the way I see myself. It's like the tectonic plates shifted, and even though I still had the same life and same issues, I had an entirely new perspective.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
I've had a lot of trust issues in the past especially re. relationships.
I've read a lot of self help books.
I've become healthy by diet & exercise.
I've educated myself on addiction.
I've joined SR who are a wonderful bunch of supportive people.
I am a very hard working solo Mum with 2 excelling children.
I am finding now that since I took the step to focus on myself & walk the road of recovery I am able to look after myself & handle things better.
Of course there are days when stressful times set me back but in general I am the best I've ever been.
I do believe you too will improve each day.
Don't be hard on yourself honey if you feel these emotions.
Just ride through them, feel them then let them go.
One foot in front of the other & one day at a time.
Hugs.
I've read a lot of self help books.
I've become healthy by diet & exercise.
I've educated myself on addiction.
I've joined SR who are a wonderful bunch of supportive people.
I am a very hard working solo Mum with 2 excelling children.
I am finding now that since I took the step to focus on myself & walk the road of recovery I am able to look after myself & handle things better.
Of course there are days when stressful times set me back but in general I am the best I've ever been.
I do believe you too will improve each day.
Don't be hard on yourself honey if you feel these emotions.
Just ride through them, feel them then let them go.
One foot in front of the other & one day at a time.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
keep working the steps...the magic comes when we do.
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
Page 83-84 Alcoholics Anonymous~
© Copyright 2004 Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
“If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us — sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”
Page 83-84 Alcoholics Anonymous~
© Copyright 2004 Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 78
Thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions... I am really going to do my best at building my self esteem. Diet and exercise definitely help, but that is also something I struggle with.. I do great for awhile and then fall off and so on... I am trying to focus on today and take life one day at a time. I am a beautiful person inside and out and that is something I need to tell myself numerous times day after day until I can recognize my beauty and accept myself as I am. Today I got up and asked God to help me focus just on today and to give me the tools that I need to be the best that I can be.. I am proud to say that I and went running before work and made a protein shake for breakfast. I know the journey ahead isn't going to be easy, but I have to believe that I am worth all the hard work and effort it is going to take and that it is progress not perfection 
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Another great tool that was shared with me but the old timers in my home group was to leave those positive messages all over the place ~
on my mirror
in my car
at my desk at work
any where I could so that when the negative self-defeating thoughts came up - I had a positive message nearby to help me remember I could replace those old ways of thinking with a new way!
You are worthy of self-love and self-respect ~ when you give it to yourself, I have found others will give it to you too.
PINK HUGS!
on my mirror
in my car
at my desk at work
any where I could so that when the negative self-defeating thoughts came up - I had a positive message nearby to help me remember I could replace those old ways of thinking with a new way!
You are worthy of self-love and self-respect ~ when you give it to yourself, I have found others will give it to you too.
PINK HUGS!
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