What Now?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 29
What Now?
Its been a long while since I have posted so update/refresh... My alcoholic husband has finally quit drinking. Its been almost a year since he last drank! Sounds great? Not so much. I thought I would feel better but now we struggle with me.
AH had been an almost everyday drinker. Sometimes would disappear and/or be black out drunk. June last year we had a serious physical altercation. I was due at work and he was missing to get drunk. I called in late hoping he would come home and went to his job to get the car seat so I could get our son from daycare and take them somewhere. When I arrived, he was sitting outside his job drinking and beer bottles everywhere (Yes at a business. These kinds of things were not unusual there at that time.) He couldn't even walk because he was so drunk. I got the car seat and left. He showed up at home a short time later with his mom and sister in-law. I also realized his gun was missing. He wouldn't get out of the house so I got his phone and threw it outside. I then went outside to tell his mom about the gun. When I went outside, he grabbed my hand and threw me down then started maybe hitting me... My adrenaline was a million miles an hour so I don't honestly remember. He was on top of me one second screaming in my face and I was pushing his face away from me. That's really all I remember. Sister in-law then dragged him off me and he started punching and kicking the tree. He went to his moms house after and spent the night. I called in to work because it was immediately clear that my hand was broken. I went to a couple of urgent care clinics that evening and was extremely disappointing by their lack of care. They said since an assault was involved that I had to go to the ER so it was reported. Its sad to think someone in a abusive situation may not get care because places will withhold it unless the file a police report; ready or not. I did not want to go to the ER. Due to my line of work, I see the staff all the time and I was embarrassed. The next morning I went to another clinic and told them I fell. She questioned me hard because she knew I was lying and the kids were acting funny. Had a displaced spiral fracture requiring surgery. When I called to tell him, his bi*** mother freaked and took him to the ER claiming I hit him and that is how I fractured my hand. False police report and everything. He claims he does not remember the incident. Unfortunately for her, he also had broken his hand AND foot. He had a BOXERS FRACTURE. The case against ME was immediately dropped because it was physically impossible to get that kind of break hitting someone vs him having a fracture as a result from him hitting something. They picked up an investigation on him but I dropped the charges. 3 screws and a ton of fighting with his family later, he realized his drinking was indeed an issue. We have stopped talking to anyone in his family due to their false allegations and enabling behavior. He hasn't drank since. We stayed together which likely would not have happened had he not left for 2 months for military stuff, right after all of this.
Now the unforeseen hard part... I do not know how to stop hating him for it all. I love him and want to be in love with him again but I can not seem to heal. Through this all, I have always had a fight in me. I never lost sight of ME and was excelled at everything trying to make thing better. I do not know why but when he broke my hand, he broke me. He has been great and I can see so many other changes he has made but I hate him for taking ME. I have been struggling since that incident. I've never been this depressed in my life and I have had worse things happen! Its like the weight of ALL bad things in my life came crashing down on me. I just don't care anymore. I have started taking antidepressants but am still constantly on the verge or tears, angry, or extremely anxious. I cant even talk to people now. I don't know what to do! I am so lost. I've even quit a job over it and am on the verge of quitting my other 2 because I can't seem to cope. I've become self destructive with money. I have a ton of stuff going on on top of this. Nothing new but I can't deal anymore. I've always depended on the little fire inside of me that says to keep going and its burned out now.
How do I heal? Where do I even start?
AH had been an almost everyday drinker. Sometimes would disappear and/or be black out drunk. June last year we had a serious physical altercation. I was due at work and he was missing to get drunk. I called in late hoping he would come home and went to his job to get the car seat so I could get our son from daycare and take them somewhere. When I arrived, he was sitting outside his job drinking and beer bottles everywhere (Yes at a business. These kinds of things were not unusual there at that time.) He couldn't even walk because he was so drunk. I got the car seat and left. He showed up at home a short time later with his mom and sister in-law. I also realized his gun was missing. He wouldn't get out of the house so I got his phone and threw it outside. I then went outside to tell his mom about the gun. When I went outside, he grabbed my hand and threw me down then started maybe hitting me... My adrenaline was a million miles an hour so I don't honestly remember. He was on top of me one second screaming in my face and I was pushing his face away from me. That's really all I remember. Sister in-law then dragged him off me and he started punching and kicking the tree. He went to his moms house after and spent the night. I called in to work because it was immediately clear that my hand was broken. I went to a couple of urgent care clinics that evening and was extremely disappointing by their lack of care. They said since an assault was involved that I had to go to the ER so it was reported. Its sad to think someone in a abusive situation may not get care because places will withhold it unless the file a police report; ready or not. I did not want to go to the ER. Due to my line of work, I see the staff all the time and I was embarrassed. The next morning I went to another clinic and told them I fell. She questioned me hard because she knew I was lying and the kids were acting funny. Had a displaced spiral fracture requiring surgery. When I called to tell him, his bi*** mother freaked and took him to the ER claiming I hit him and that is how I fractured my hand. False police report and everything. He claims he does not remember the incident. Unfortunately for her, he also had broken his hand AND foot. He had a BOXERS FRACTURE. The case against ME was immediately dropped because it was physically impossible to get that kind of break hitting someone vs him having a fracture as a result from him hitting something. They picked up an investigation on him but I dropped the charges. 3 screws and a ton of fighting with his family later, he realized his drinking was indeed an issue. We have stopped talking to anyone in his family due to their false allegations and enabling behavior. He hasn't drank since. We stayed together which likely would not have happened had he not left for 2 months for military stuff, right after all of this.
Now the unforeseen hard part... I do not know how to stop hating him for it all. I love him and want to be in love with him again but I can not seem to heal. Through this all, I have always had a fight in me. I never lost sight of ME and was excelled at everything trying to make thing better. I do not know why but when he broke my hand, he broke me. He has been great and I can see so many other changes he has made but I hate him for taking ME. I have been struggling since that incident. I've never been this depressed in my life and I have had worse things happen! Its like the weight of ALL bad things in my life came crashing down on me. I just don't care anymore. I have started taking antidepressants but am still constantly on the verge or tears, angry, or extremely anxious. I cant even talk to people now. I don't know what to do! I am so lost. I've even quit a job over it and am on the verge of quitting my other 2 because I can't seem to cope. I've become self destructive with money. I have a ton of stuff going on on top of this. Nothing new but I can't deal anymore. I've always depended on the little fire inside of me that says to keep going and its burned out now.
How do I heal? Where do I even start?
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Wow. There's so much to be looked at here.
First I want to say your feelings are valid. Ok? We hear you.
Now the first course of action would be to try your darndest to stop self-destructive behavior. There's no reason to hurt yourself this way or punish yourself.
Have you considered therapy? You've buried these feelings and they need an outlet. They are valid feelings and they haven't been validated to the degree you need to heal.
You can definitely pull yourself out of this. It's completely curable. It may take some time, but that's ok, right? It's not a hopeless situation at all. I can see a future for you that this dark period will be addressed and will pass. As an objective reader who doesn't know you at all I feel very certain that this is completely doable!
So much more can be said, but I think tackling this one step at a time would be the best course for you. Don't pressure yourself to cure it all at once, but starting with validating your feelings here is the most important thing.
First I want to say your feelings are valid. Ok? We hear you.
Now the first course of action would be to try your darndest to stop self-destructive behavior. There's no reason to hurt yourself this way or punish yourself.
Have you considered therapy? You've buried these feelings and they need an outlet. They are valid feelings and they haven't been validated to the degree you need to heal.
You can definitely pull yourself out of this. It's completely curable. It may take some time, but that's ok, right? It's not a hopeless situation at all. I can see a future for you that this dark period will be addressed and will pass. As an objective reader who doesn't know you at all I feel very certain that this is completely doable!
So much more can be said, but I think tackling this one step at a time would be the best course for you. Don't pressure yourself to cure it all at once, but starting with validating your feelings here is the most important thing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 29
I did start therapy shortly after this incident but I even lost drive to do that. Its a wonder I am still working. One job, I am all alone most of the day so its almost peaceful. The other, I have been switching areas constantly because they start being friendly with me and I just can't do social right now. It ends with me in tears. I started on the meds because I was not sleeping and would literately wake up angry. Dead asleep to destructive, instantly. It has helped with that. I just have to motivation to get better if that makes any sense. They have practically had to babysit me to get me to do whats required for my license. I've had to many kicks while I try to get up, I finally stayed down and not by choice. I haven't even told AH that I feel this strongly against him right now. I hate the world. Trying is so pointless it seems. My entire life has been a fight and im done. Im just done. None of it has got me anywhere so why even bother. On my way to work everyday I hope I get into a wreck or arrested so I can just rest.
Edit: Thought Id add that I had him sign over custody of our son to me and we have child support and visitation already court ordered in case either one of us decides we do not want to work on this anymore. He can't run off with my son now like my ex did.
Edit: Thought Id add that I had him sign over custody of our son to me and we have child support and visitation already court ordered in case either one of us decides we do not want to work on this anymore. He can't run off with my son now like my ex did.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Wow is right. What an awful thing to go through.
Do you have a therapist that can help you deal with these issues? If not, get one, and do it quickly.
As far as your feelings, they may change, they may not. My XAH did some things that I thought I could forgive, but they were always there, always causing me anger and resentment. I forgave, but I did not forget.
Tight tight hugs.
Do you have a therapist that can help you deal with these issues? If not, get one, and do it quickly.
As far as your feelings, they may change, they may not. My XAH did some things that I thought I could forgive, but they were always there, always causing me anger and resentment. I forgave, but I did not forget.
Tight tight hugs.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
JellyBean---the thought that hits me as I was reading your post---is that you are GRIEVING. (you can be depressed and grieving at the same time). Grieving the loss of the origional relationship that you wanted in your dreams.
GRIEVING PLUS the stress of the first y ear of recovery. People will often say that the recovery period is worse than the origional drinking! It is so ironic that marriages are more likely to break-up during the so called recovery period than while the active drinking is going on.
It is possible that he is sober--but not in authentic recovery. There is a big difference. This is more likely if he is not working an intense recovery program.
You need tons more of support from professionals who really understand what is going on!!!! I am not criticizing your current shrink--who I assume is the one who prescribed your current antidepressants.
At minimum....alanon would be a good place for you, right now.....if you aren't, already.
Look--you are not supposed to LIKE your abuser!! Hate and anger are almost always a cover up for the HURT that is underneath.
I don't know many of the specifics of your situation.....so, please forgive me.
I do feel very confident in saying that you can be healed...you can get better. ABSOLUTELY.
But, I feel that I can see that you need lots more help than you are getting!!!!!!!!
Perhaps you can share some more...and other posters can be of help...
dandylion
GRIEVING PLUS the stress of the first y ear of recovery. People will often say that the recovery period is worse than the origional drinking! It is so ironic that marriages are more likely to break-up during the so called recovery period than while the active drinking is going on.
It is possible that he is sober--but not in authentic recovery. There is a big difference. This is more likely if he is not working an intense recovery program.
You need tons more of support from professionals who really understand what is going on!!!! I am not criticizing your current shrink--who I assume is the one who prescribed your current antidepressants.
At minimum....alanon would be a good place for you, right now.....if you aren't, already.
Look--you are not supposed to LIKE your abuser!! Hate and anger are almost always a cover up for the HURT that is underneath.
I don't know many of the specifics of your situation.....so, please forgive me.
I do feel very confident in saying that you can be healed...you can get better. ABSOLUTELY.
But, I feel that I can see that you need lots more help than you are getting!!!!!!!!
Perhaps you can share some more...and other posters can be of help...
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry JB, we must have been posting at the same time as I did not see your last post that you have a therapist. One thing I have learned is that therapy should be a positive in your life. Sometimes you have to try a few before you find the right one.
I also agree, you are going through grief. It is harder I think for someone to be alive and grieve than if they had passed. It's so much to handle.
I also agree, you are going through grief. It is harder I think for someone to be alive and grieve than if they had passed. It's so much to handle.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 29
No therapy right now. My PCP prescribed Zoloft. I had been very hesitant to take anything because they've always made me so sick at first and I can't do that kind of sick, work, and kids. I know he isn't recovered. Him being an addict is till apparent with video games but he refuses to see anyone. Right after this incident, my work changed and its a high stress atmosphere. I'm still in constant pain and doctors can't figure out why. I finally gave in and started taking Tramadol but have been fighting any analgesics. My MRI came back with MS features but they refuse further testing even after 3 doctor switches and 2 insurance changes. My family is crazy and siblings are fighting over whose kids I am going to take because they are both idiot freeloaders who can't parent. The ex tries his best to make me miserable and now is supposedly trying to become a cop so I am terrified because HE was very abusive. We go to court next week to try and move so I can get a better job. I am making just above minimum wage WITH a degree hence 2 jobs. Our house was burglarized. They even got all my pictures for the last 4 years. I have no friends. Maybe TMI but I was just diagnosed with herpes (they think since I get cold sores, oral sex with my husband passed it). At this rate, why be surprised something ive had my whole life will stamp me with nasty yet I am married. This of course is all contributing but ive always been able to stay positive, keep going and fix these things. Most of it has been going on for years on top of his past drinking. But that incident... Something about me snapped. I done. The one who is supposed to love me the most became my straw.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 29
I sound like a damn pity party... I dug through all of my email accounts this morning trying to find my log in and such. This site helped a lot while he was drinking. I didn't know where else to turn for now. Ive never considered it being grief...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
JellyBean,
Its completely normal to feel the way you do! He reacted violently toward you and hurt you! He violated your sense of trust. He became unpredictable. And from what I am reading never really took ownership for his actions. Yes, he became sober but did he truly apologize for hurting you the way he did? Id he truly in recovery and trying to be a better person? An A is so much more than just a person who drinks. There are all kinds of underlying and associated negative behaviors that go along with it.
I second the need for some counseling. For yourself and if you are in any way considering continuing the relationship couples counseling. They can help you work through all those feelings. Feel free to post anytime. We are here to listen
You are not alone.
Its completely normal to feel the way you do! He reacted violently toward you and hurt you! He violated your sense of trust. He became unpredictable. And from what I am reading never really took ownership for his actions. Yes, he became sober but did he truly apologize for hurting you the way he did? Id he truly in recovery and trying to be a better person? An A is so much more than just a person who drinks. There are all kinds of underlying and associated negative behaviors that go along with it.
I second the need for some counseling. For yourself and if you are in any way considering continuing the relationship couples counseling. They can help you work through all those feelings. Feel free to post anytime. We are here to listen
You are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Going back to therapy would be a good idea right now. I'm so sorry you're struggling. Also, herpes is more common than you think. The stigma of having an STD is not what it used to be. Don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds like you've been through a lot in your life. You'll make it through this too. Maybe couples counseling will help you express your anger with your husband after you get some recovery time under your belt and start feeling better.
Hugs to you. xooxo I wish you all the best.
Hugs to you. xooxo I wish you all the best.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
I agree very much that the dv center can help you find the proper therapist. I think it would be a good idea to shelve the couples therapy, for now.
You need invividual therapy that focuses on you aND YOUR NEEDS, right now.
If you were to go to an alanon meeting, right now--they would take you into their arms and hearts. You could use that--like yesterday.
dandylion
You need invividual therapy that focuses on you aND YOUR NEEDS, right now.
If you were to go to an alanon meeting, right now--they would take you into their arms and hearts. You could use that--like yesterday.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Now the unforeseen hard part... I do not know how to stop hating him for it all. I love him and want to be in love with him again but I can not seem to heal.
Short version: The people that hurt me, now or ever, will never be the ones that make me feel safe, loved, and validated.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
BTW, your story is hauntingly familiar to me, down to the gritty details. This was my "bottom" -- an alcoholic husband, a kid learning codependency from me, a house full of fleas, a suspicious STD, an unplanned pregnancy, and constant work and fighting for scraps and never getting anywhere -- and I had to relearn how to live life, cope with life, approach life, in new ways because I never wanted to feel like this again. I don't even have to take anti-depressant meds now. I credit lots of one-on-one counseling to figure out how to undo all the faulty programming of having to fight for everything all the time.
I feel you, and I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It doesn't have to be this way -- you can totally, completely, 100% reinvent yourself.
I feel you, and I'm sorry you're feeling so low. It doesn't have to be this way -- you can totally, completely, 100% reinvent yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Nowhere, VA
Posts: 540
Not to sound harsh, I mean this in a supportive way. But maybe it isn't fixable? The marriage, that is. You are totally able to heal, you are totally able to become your self again with work and patience.
I don't know that even if ABF ever got sober if I could look at him the same as when we first dating. I see him now and I see a sad person made out of bones and skin, someone who I have compassion for but not passion. I don't see him as a partner anymore, and I don't know if I can. Sometimes you can't fake it until you make it.
What do you want? deep down, what do you see as the way you want to spend your life? when you think 5 years down the road, do you see him beside you?
What Florence said about the people that hurt you can't be the ones you look to for safety is so so right. And even if you try to look to them for it, it probably won't come back.
I don't know that even if ABF ever got sober if I could look at him the same as when we first dating. I see him now and I see a sad person made out of bones and skin, someone who I have compassion for but not passion. I don't see him as a partner anymore, and I don't know if I can. Sometimes you can't fake it until you make it.
What do you want? deep down, what do you see as the way you want to spend your life? when you think 5 years down the road, do you see him beside you?
What Florence said about the people that hurt you can't be the ones you look to for safety is so so right. And even if you try to look to them for it, it probably won't come back.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I see so much swirling around in your head all at once...and so many stressors.
" I've become self destructive with money"
Ok, let's start one thing at a time.
I would first call a psychologist for depression, because you are definitely depressed. Just making the phone call for the appmt. could make you feel better!
Next, how about this idea: Take the money that you would spend recklessly, if that's what you mean by self destructive with money--and put it in a box. Any old shoe box will do. Write "Hope" on the box. Everytime you want to go spend money on something unnecessary, add to the box. Watch your hope grow. We don't know what that hope is eventually going to be spent on. The point is that Hope is growing. The point is that you don't know what your hope is going to be placed on, energy spent on, just yet, and that's fine actually, that where your faith is going to lie is still a mystery that you will solve in time. But you will have Hope. You will watch Hope will grow.
Do you resent yourself for staying with him?
" I've become self destructive with money"
Ok, let's start one thing at a time.
I would first call a psychologist for depression, because you are definitely depressed. Just making the phone call for the appmt. could make you feel better!
Next, how about this idea: Take the money that you would spend recklessly, if that's what you mean by self destructive with money--and put it in a box. Any old shoe box will do. Write "Hope" on the box. Everytime you want to go spend money on something unnecessary, add to the box. Watch your hope grow. We don't know what that hope is eventually going to be spent on. The point is that Hope is growing. The point is that you don't know what your hope is going to be placed on, energy spent on, just yet, and that's fine actually, that where your faith is going to lie is still a mystery that you will solve in time. But you will have Hope. You will watch Hope will grow.
Do you resent yourself for staying with him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow JB... you've got WAYYYY too much stress and it's affecting your health and mind right now. (the MS and herpes virus taking off especially) Take a deep breath and take baby steps... one foot in front of another. You WILL get through this. And we're here for you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
