Worried0810

Today I've organised a viewing for a flat tomorrow. XABF contacted me after I left him a second note telling him that I planned to submit my notice tomorrow. He said he has to stay at the flat because he can't afford to find another place. I asked if we could meet tomorrow to discuss the furniture and who is taking what.
So I'm moving on and getting myself sorted. But suddenly, I feel really bad and guilty. Will he cope? Will he find something else? Where is he going to live? I feel really bad because I feel like I'm ripping the carpet from underneath his feet. That it's my fault all this is happening. I hate this. Is it normal to worry like this?

lillamy

Normal, but not healthy.

He's not a baby. He's not a defenseless puppy. He's a grown man who, I assume, has all his limbs and isn't terribly disabled, other than being an alcoholic.

You have no more responsibility to take care of him and make sure he is comfortable than you have for the homeless dude sitting under the highway bridge. Sound harsh? It's still true.

Your XABF will probably try to play on your emotions to make you do something, anything, everything so that he won't have to take care of himself. Don't fall for it.

inpieces314

He's banking on you backing out because you feel guilty. So don't back out.

Feeling guilty is normal, I think, but you can feel guilty all by yourself where you are safe. He's going to do what he wants to do anyway, so just embrace the guilt, because it's not going to last, and then you can do what you want to do.

lillamy

I just wanted to add, so you don't think I'm lecturing you, that I've lived that.
My ex threatened to kill me and our kids, and I still was feeling guilty for leaving him for months afterwards.

I know it's not easy to turn off those feelings. But I'll tell you what my therapist told me: You have an absolute right to leave a dysfunctional relationship. (((hugs)))

airwick

Worried0810

When I left my AXH You can't even begin to imagine how I felt. Let me rephrase that, you can feel EXACTLY how I felt. I had to think of myself and son. What is staying doing to us? How is it hurting us? YOU come first. You are your main priority. He has to learn to figure out how to survive by himself
He needs to see he can maIfke it on his own. You take care of you. If your paths unite down the road. GREAT!!! Let life run its course.

idledreamer

I can't agree more.

Not the same situation, but I had a similar feeling. Before I left on vacation my ABF officially lost his license for a month. He had 2 doctors appointments that are no where close to walking/biking distance and has no stores around him to do grocery shopping. He wouldn't say it outright, but I could tell he was frustrated that I was leaving for 2 weeks and therefore couldn't drive him everywhere. I think the only reason he didn't say it was because I had been talking about this trip for months, even before he got the DUI. For a few moments I felt sorry for leaving him when he needed me, but realized that he is a grown man. It's not my job to be his problem solver.

And what has he done? He has biked to stores that were far away for him, and realized that it wasn't a bad ride at all. He found a friend or two to take him to the doctors appointments, but also made a backup plan for using the bus if they bailed at the last minute. Did he want to do any of that? No, but just like the rest of us he figured it out. And if he hadn't figured it out, the only person it would have affected would be him.

It is normal to feel guilty, especially after looking after your XABF so long, but remember that that's why you left. Acknowledge that you feel guilty and try to move on from it. *HUGS*

Pia

Worried do you recall "He said that it's my problem not his, that he could find someone else and that he's moving out."

He has told you several times when you wanted to work things out it was your problem, your problem. Keep your chin up and don't look back.

Worried0810

You are all right. He phoned me today to organise things and told me that he misses me, loves me and is waiting for me. He wants to keep the flat on and I can keep my stuff there as long as I need to. I feel like crap because he doesn't want me to pay any rent next month because I don't live there so I've left him with this big debt really!
I don't know what to do now. I feel utterly conflicted but I told him that I couldn't come back.

dandylion

Worried--he is pushing the "guilt" button---and it is working!!!!!

Don't buy this manipulation. I suggest that you get your stuff ASAP. Let him worry about HIS debt. He is where he is because of HIS actions!
Continue to remind him that you aren't coming back--if he brings it up.

Stick to y our ground. Otherwise--you will just get m o re of the same thing that you are l eaving for.

Stand your ground.

dandylion

ladyscribbler

Don't leave your stuff. My ex (not an a) made me a similar promise, then stopped paying for the storage locker where he had put all my stuff when he moved. I was deployed at the time and then left him when I returned. The contents of the storage were forfeited when he stopped paying. He never told me he was doing that, so I never had a chance to get my stuff.
Hey, maybe all my junk ended up on Storage Wars or something. Anyway, don't trust the nice guy routine. Once he sees you're serious about leaving he might change his tune.

Charmed3

Well my STBX went through the similar stuff. I took what I could when I first left while he was gone for a few hours which wasn't a lot and his reaction was F you your getting anything more. Then he went into the nice phase and said you don't have a place yet, you can leave it here and come get it when you do. I insisted I wanted my share now and said I will keep it in storage because I don't want to argue later about it. Best if we divide it up now. I talked nice and tried to be cooperative, just to get him to let me bring a moving truck and get the big stuff. We had a formal living room and a family room. He chose to keep the nicest and most expensive things for himself. And while I was getting what he would allow he started getting pissed off (he was drinking when we got there a 7am) and his attitude changed. At that point I gave up and left.

He has promised and renagged several times since. I know at this point he is not going to let me have anything more - even the things he still has that belonged to my mother who died 3 years ago and mean much more to me than to him.

Maybe your A isn't like this, but I think you are better off taking whatever you can now. In my experience, his drinking and bad behaviors have escalated, and I am not willing to dance with him anymore. He can keep the things of mine he refuses to return because I will not negotiate with someone trying to hold me hostage.

Pia

It sounds like he is wanting you to leave your stuff there as a bargaining tool to keep you around. I suggest go get is ASAP. I hate to see you on Judge Judy !

Worried0810

I really hope that he's not those guys! Well, now that I'm (nearly) free of the lease, then I can move in to another place quickly.
I realise that I also feel guilty for doing everything so fast. It's like I've (or he's) not even had time to mourn the loss of our relationship. But I can't stay where I am forever. And I can't go back there. I'll readily admit - I am hanging by an absolute thread. Talking to him today brought back all the old feelings and I hoped for a bit that we could work things out. But we can't. He likes to drink, I don't like him drinking so I nag him. He doesn't like me nagging him. So as long as he drinks, neither of us will be happy.
People tell me to think of the bad times but I struggle to come up with any because I feel like I need to see the good in him because when sober, he is a good man. But occasionally I'll remember some awful event and it reminds me why I am doing this.
I still feel guilty though. He needs help and I've abandoned him. But I can't help someone who can't even admit that he has a problem