Little worried...of course
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
Little worried...of course
So after nearly six excruciating months of being apart from my ex abusive alcoholic mentally unstable fiance, I have slowly, slowly begun to move forward. Inching ahead, carefully, trying to sort of force myself to accept this new existence without him. As time goes by, good things have happened, like the young hottie asking me out for coffee...great ego boost. And lots of other people have asked me out, great. Not really ready for all that yet, still working on healing. But its nice to hear the good things, the nice things about myself again. I had forgotten what it was like to be wanted and considered interesting. I don't trust my own judgment of people, still, and maybe I never will. I am...the kids and I are...incredibly leery of people now, and that is sad. I constantly expect people to turn out to be total *****, as if everything they say is just a front and underneath is pure slime. Good things have been happening in my career, in my life...something that I had forgotten it was when I was with him... MY LIFE.
I have had good days and bad. I get through most days without ever crying, though it always seems to be under the surface. The other day at Walmart, as we got in the truck to go home, a song came on the radio (Like a Stone by Audioslave), one that had significance for us, and suddenly tears just streamed down my face. I kept driving, I didn't say a thing, but didn't try to hide it either, the kids saw, and they just sort of went silent. They knew. We all know. It hasn't gone away, and really it isn't easier. But, I am coping. It hasn't stopped hurting, and I have never...will never understand any of it, but I have figured out how to cope with it. I stuff it away, because thinking on it too hard makes it hurt too bad, and its just all nonsense. So I just cope with it, accept it for the way it is, stuff it away and don't pick it apart too much, and go forward. Its a poor choice of words, and from me, the word lady, I should do better, maybe. For all of the people that are just separating from their alcoholics in their lives, I want you to know, it does get better. You may not get answers, you may not stop hurting, but the pain does dull and become bearable. Its always bearable. No more deep belly wracking sobs, where it hurts deep down in the pit of my belly. No more sobbing so hard I almost puke, can't catch a breath, head hurting, lying awake all night staring wide eyed at the wall. My life has slowly returned to how it was before he was in it, I say that very loosely because all of us are pretty damaged. I felt like I lost my future, when I kicked him out, and now, well, I am taking it one day at a time, not worrying too much about the future at all. We have hashed it over, talked it to death in this house, and then I reached the anger stage, where I was so pissed, so full of anger at him for what he did, to all of us, even himself. Disgust ripped through me and I swear I shook with rage at what he had put us through. I have also acquired the ability to say no to people, and to back out, when I don't want to do things or are uncomfortable with situations.
There is an ongoing issue. I have not responded to his strange little emails he sends like clockwork...they say he misses me, he loves me, but that I am crazy. I do not respond at all. He has started sending these messages to the gallery that houses my paintings, and to my publisher. He addresses them to me as if I am the one answering their emails, as if I have access to those accounts, short, simple little emailed notes. As if, as he used to say, they don't exist, but that I am behind the gallery or publishers, that they are fake and its just me with a group of friends, fooling him. These are places of business, etc, its not my personal email and I do not have access to them. These business people simply inform me of what is said, but I do not even get shown the actual emails...because I told them not to forward them to me. Says things like I really miss you baby, even if you are really screwed up. None of us know what to make of this behavior. He has not showed up at the house, thankfully. As the days pass and as I continue to not respond, as my work people don't respond to him, we have all agreed not to, the little notes get longer, a few more words in each one. Wtf is he doing? Why is he sending them? What is he hoping to gain, by sending this stuff to people who are obviously not me? Its bizarre. Its been almost 6 months. What is the point of this?? Why is he still doing this, after this long? I have not seen him, I don't know or care where he lives. He is out there on his high and mighty horse, acting as if he left me cuz I am crazy...and honestly, I do not care what he or any of his sick people think. I just do. not. give. a. *!$#^#$%#. any. more. He acts as if I am such a problem...yet he sends these notes. WTF?? Agg, I want it to stop. I want to move past all this. Thoughts would be much appreciated.
I have had good days and bad. I get through most days without ever crying, though it always seems to be under the surface. The other day at Walmart, as we got in the truck to go home, a song came on the radio (Like a Stone by Audioslave), one that had significance for us, and suddenly tears just streamed down my face. I kept driving, I didn't say a thing, but didn't try to hide it either, the kids saw, and they just sort of went silent. They knew. We all know. It hasn't gone away, and really it isn't easier. But, I am coping. It hasn't stopped hurting, and I have never...will never understand any of it, but I have figured out how to cope with it. I stuff it away, because thinking on it too hard makes it hurt too bad, and its just all nonsense. So I just cope with it, accept it for the way it is, stuff it away and don't pick it apart too much, and go forward. Its a poor choice of words, and from me, the word lady, I should do better, maybe. For all of the people that are just separating from their alcoholics in their lives, I want you to know, it does get better. You may not get answers, you may not stop hurting, but the pain does dull and become bearable. Its always bearable. No more deep belly wracking sobs, where it hurts deep down in the pit of my belly. No more sobbing so hard I almost puke, can't catch a breath, head hurting, lying awake all night staring wide eyed at the wall. My life has slowly returned to how it was before he was in it, I say that very loosely because all of us are pretty damaged. I felt like I lost my future, when I kicked him out, and now, well, I am taking it one day at a time, not worrying too much about the future at all. We have hashed it over, talked it to death in this house, and then I reached the anger stage, where I was so pissed, so full of anger at him for what he did, to all of us, even himself. Disgust ripped through me and I swear I shook with rage at what he had put us through. I have also acquired the ability to say no to people, and to back out, when I don't want to do things or are uncomfortable with situations.
There is an ongoing issue. I have not responded to his strange little emails he sends like clockwork...they say he misses me, he loves me, but that I am crazy. I do not respond at all. He has started sending these messages to the gallery that houses my paintings, and to my publisher. He addresses them to me as if I am the one answering their emails, as if I have access to those accounts, short, simple little emailed notes. As if, as he used to say, they don't exist, but that I am behind the gallery or publishers, that they are fake and its just me with a group of friends, fooling him. These are places of business, etc, its not my personal email and I do not have access to them. These business people simply inform me of what is said, but I do not even get shown the actual emails...because I told them not to forward them to me. Says things like I really miss you baby, even if you are really screwed up. None of us know what to make of this behavior. He has not showed up at the house, thankfully. As the days pass and as I continue to not respond, as my work people don't respond to him, we have all agreed not to, the little notes get longer, a few more words in each one. Wtf is he doing? Why is he sending them? What is he hoping to gain, by sending this stuff to people who are obviously not me? Its bizarre. Its been almost 6 months. What is the point of this?? Why is he still doing this, after this long? I have not seen him, I don't know or care where he lives. He is out there on his high and mighty horse, acting as if he left me cuz I am crazy...and honestly, I do not care what he or any of his sick people think. I just do. not. give. a. *!$#^#$%#. any. more. He acts as if I am such a problem...yet he sends these notes. WTF?? Agg, I want it to stop. I want to move past all this. Thoughts would be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
What he is doing is illegal. Any boldface below is mine.
From TheFreeDictionary.com
Libel and Slander
Two torts that involve the communication of false information about a person, a group, or an entity such as a corporation. Libel is any Defamation that can be seen, such as a writing, printing, effigy, movie, or statue. Slander is any defamation that is spoken and heard.
Collectively known as defamation, libel and slander are civil wrongs that harm a reputation; decrease respect, regard, or confidence; or induce disparaging, hostile, or disagreeable opinions or feelings against an individual or entity. The injury to one's good name or reputation is affected through written or spoken words or visual images. The laws governing these torts are identical.
To recover in a libel or slander suit, the plaintiff must show evidence of four elements: that the defendant conveyed a defamatory message; that the material was published, meaning that it was conveyed to someone other than the plaintiff; that the plaintiff could be identified as the person referred to in the defamatory material; and that the plaintiff suffered some injury to his or her reputation as a result of the communication.
To prove that the material was defamatory, the plaintiff must show that at least one other person who saw or heard it understood it as having defamatory meaning. It is necessary to show not that all who heard or read the statement understood it to be defamatory, but only that one person other than the plaintiff did so. Therefore, even if the defendant contends that the communication was a joke, if one person other than the plaintiff took it seriously, the communication is considered defamatory.
From TheFreeDictionary.com
Libel and Slander
Two torts that involve the communication of false information about a person, a group, or an entity such as a corporation. Libel is any Defamation that can be seen, such as a writing, printing, effigy, movie, or statue. Slander is any defamation that is spoken and heard.
Collectively known as defamation, libel and slander are civil wrongs that harm a reputation; decrease respect, regard, or confidence; or induce disparaging, hostile, or disagreeable opinions or feelings against an individual or entity. The injury to one's good name or reputation is affected through written or spoken words or visual images. The laws governing these torts are identical.
To recover in a libel or slander suit, the plaintiff must show evidence of four elements: that the defendant conveyed a defamatory message; that the material was published, meaning that it was conveyed to someone other than the plaintiff; that the plaintiff could be identified as the person referred to in the defamatory material; and that the plaintiff suffered some injury to his or her reputation as a result of the communication.
To prove that the material was defamatory, the plaintiff must show that at least one other person who saw or heard it understood it as having defamatory meaning. It is necessary to show not that all who heard or read the statement understood it to be defamatory, but only that one person other than the plaintiff did so. Therefore, even if the defendant contends that the communication was a joke, if one person other than the plaintiff took it seriously, the communication is considered defamatory.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Its very easy to understand what he is doing - its manipulation pure and simple. He wants contact with you. Its a twofold angle, he is trying to pull on your heart strings by saying he misses you "baby", and he is trying to scare you by sending it to your employer and adding in the side note that you are "crazy".
He is hoping that one of the tactics will work and that you will contact him. Even if the only contact he can get from you is in anger - he most likely believes anyway he can open contact he will be able to pursue. Its a very transparent tactic. Sometimes when response is not forthcoming they get bored and move on, other times they become more aggressive.
If it were me I would ask for copies of the emails. I would take them to the police department. I am not sure if you can get a PO based on these emails but perhaps you can I would also contact a DV hotline and get advice on how to proceed. Personally I feel that any response needs to be one that only contains legal information.
I think you need to handle this rather than ignore it. If his emails become more aggressive your employers might become uncomfortable and nervous, and that's not a good thing. Especially if he starts showing up there and I don't put it past him.
He is hoping that one of the tactics will work and that you will contact him. Even if the only contact he can get from you is in anger - he most likely believes anyway he can open contact he will be able to pursue. Its a very transparent tactic. Sometimes when response is not forthcoming they get bored and move on, other times they become more aggressive.
If it were me I would ask for copies of the emails. I would take them to the police department. I am not sure if you can get a PO based on these emails but perhaps you can I would also contact a DV hotline and get advice on how to proceed. Personally I feel that any response needs to be one that only contains legal information.
I think you need to handle this rather than ignore it. If his emails become more aggressive your employers might become uncomfortable and nervous, and that's not a good thing. Especially if he starts showing up there and I don't put it past him.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
The gallery needs to send him a reply that you don't read these emails, and that they are not involved in your personal life and that they will be blocking any email addresses he uses to email them, and that they will get law enforcement involved if he continues.
He is doing it to embarrass you publicly. He is using the gallery because he knows it is tied to your income and prestige in that community. He also may have a return receipt to know when they are read.
It's not loving in any manner. Don't confuse what he writes about love with what he is doing, which is harassment and stalking.
Don't engage him yourself. He is very unstable to do this, and purposely disrespect to you.
Let the gallery and law enforcement handle this.
He is doing it to embarrass you publicly. He is using the gallery because he knows it is tied to your income and prestige in that community. He also may have a return receipt to know when they are read.
It's not loving in any manner. Don't confuse what he writes about love with what he is doing, which is harassment and stalking.
Don't engage him yourself. He is very unstable to do this, and purposely disrespect to you.
Let the gallery and law enforcement handle this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
Posts: 148
They have tried blocking him but he just changes his IP to send emails. He is not really disrupting business, there is no way he could do that unless he showed up and trashed the place. Security is very tight there, thankfully. There is no danger of losing my position, etc, these people supported me completely during the time when I made him go, and they know all the details and how volatile he is. Mostly, yes, its defamation of my character, though that won't do much, since the people actually do know me and disregard his words as drunken idiocy. And yes, its a manipulation tactic, trying to draw me back into the madness. It will not work. No way, no how, I am having none of it...he lost me to his own damn self. What I want to know is why...why does he continue. Why the Eff can he not just go away...and stay away? I know, there is no way to understand the madness of a half crazy abusive alcoholic. I know. We have spoken to the police, and there really is no grounds for a restraining order. Yet. A record is being kept, for future...I hope, unnecessary, needs. I will NOT break my no contact, no response with him. Don't worry about that. I just want it all behind me. Thanks everyone for your words and support.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: The Pit of Despair
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And today, once again, another creepy note from him, sent to my gallery. This one was longer, and clearly full of anger. Again it said how I am a liar, its all my fault, etc. How we could have been so good together, if I wasn't so screwed up. It was ugly, and feels different than the others...longer, angrier, less sad and lost sounding and more like the scary side that exploded so frequently. Again, cops were called, but since it is not addressed to anyone, there is just nothing anyone can do. How can a person that did those things to us actually blame me? How can a person who did such frightening things blame the victim, I mean, is he just ******* crazy, or does he not remember, or what. He never mentions being sorry for all he did or even mention its occurrence, its as if he truly believes I am to blame somehow, that these beliefs that I am some sort of liar justify his behavior, so much so that it doesn't even bear mentioning. Its so bizarre. After this long, after all this time, I have not responded, I have remained No Contact, why does he not just let it all go and leave me alone? Move on, its been half a year. I have exhausted my resources, there is absolutely nothing anyone can do, he just keeps circumventing the law regarding stalking. I have this pit in my stomach, it had gone away a bit. So far he has not once showed up at the house, I am so grateful for that.
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How can a person who did such frightening things blame the victim, I mean, is he just ******* crazy, or does he not remember, or what. He never mentions being sorry for all he did or even mention its occurrence, its as if he truly believes I am to blame somehow, that these beliefs that I am some sort of liar justify his behavior, so much so that it doesn't even bear mentioning. Its so bizarre.
I don't think you can rationally explain the workings of an irrational mind.
I do think, however, that these As are creating their own stories, rewriting history, because actually accepting what happened would be impossible for them; it would force them to admit their own responsibility, their own guilt, and they could no longer play the victim part they have become accustomed to.
I don't know how to handle him still e-stalking you, but I would be concerned. Especially since he seems to be turning up the volume.
Is there a domestic violence shelter you can call and ask advice? They often have a lot of knowledge about what to expect from men who behave badly.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
My ex's texts and emails are very similar. Same tone. Last week I finally went to the police because they had a new crazy edge to them. The police called him and told him to knock it off. It was peaceful for a few days, then low and behold.
FWIW, I believe that it's a) mental illness, b) evil and c) part of the addict mind. It's all kind of wrapped up in a messy gross package and the sooner we stop trying to make sense of it, the sooner we get our lives back.
FWIW, I believe that it's a) mental illness, b) evil and c) part of the addict mind. It's all kind of wrapped up in a messy gross package and the sooner we stop trying to make sense of it, the sooner we get our lives back.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Alabama
Posts: 493
This is harassment . I know my AH was charged with harassment. I has to email him back and say not to contact me again or the police would be notified. This seems to have stopped mine, at least for the time being.
Harassment is another form of abuse. Your A wants to have control over you. What I was told that they can disappear and then a year later send a text saying thinking about you. And they have then controlled us by controlling out thoughts.
The behavior is so difficult to understand because your A is doing things you would never do and never even dream of doing. I am going through the same thing and it is very hard. But I have tried to tell myself it is more important for me to concentrate on me and my kids and be able to move forward. Me getting angry or wondering why doesn't change anything. And it only hurts me to put my energy into him.
Good luck. I respect and admire how strong you are being. You are setting a great example for your children.
Harassment is another form of abuse. Your A wants to have control over you. What I was told that they can disappear and then a year later send a text saying thinking about you. And they have then controlled us by controlling out thoughts.
The behavior is so difficult to understand because your A is doing things you would never do and never even dream of doing. I am going through the same thing and it is very hard. But I have tried to tell myself it is more important for me to concentrate on me and my kids and be able to move forward. Me getting angry or wondering why doesn't change anything. And it only hurts me to put my energy into him.
Good luck. I respect and admire how strong you are being. You are setting a great example for your children.
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