missboots

God be with you right now! You are so clear-headed and strong. I don't have much advice. Just stay calm and speak the facts in court. And the first few weeks are the hardest. Ask people for help, you'll be surprised at who will and who won't. I left my violent AH April 24 and have court tomorrow to extend the protective order. Do not contact your husband at all. Just take care of yourself and your kids! I'm praying for you.

searching peace

I will say prayers for you for tomorrow Missboots. Please let us know how it goes in court. Try and remember you are not alone when you are there. "The teacher is always silent when the student is being tested."

amy55

Please don't ever believe him. I did that for too many years. At first he would apologize, then he wouldn't, because I had told him that I no longer believed them, then he would just try to do better, you know actions, not words. Then he would go to therapists to show how sincere he was. Boo-hoo. He just still wanted to somehow put the blame on me and he wanted a professional to tell me that he had the right to abuse me.

You do know that most of us are not here because we had a happy ending.

I am here to support you so that you don't go through the hurt that I went through.

I've been there, done that, and anything that you might throw my way will not surprise me.

I'm here for you.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

searching peace

Thank you Amy55. It helps to hear what other people experienced or are experiencing. Although, I hate that you went through this and experienced this kind of hurt. It is truly awful. And the scars that don't show are much more painful than the ones that do.

amy55

The scars that don't show, are more painful then the ones that do show. I have them both. The emotional ones are worse.

While I type to you, I keep putting my head down. The emotional scars go that deep, I can still see them and feel them everyday.

And I think....... I loved this person, why would he want to hurt me this way? I get no answers.................. Why did he keep blaming me for everything wrong in his life????

Still no answers.

Could this person ever be a person that will not hurt me and who could love me?????

I think about this now after all the sh!t I've been through, and I have to honesty answer, that I envisioned him to be someone he was not. I now know I couldn't change him, wish I knew that way back when. I was married for 25 years, just cluching to and hoping on a dream. I was delusional !!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can only say that he loved me at one time, I just think that sometimes he hated himself more.

searching peace

I'm so sorry. How long have you been away from him?

amy55

I've been away from him for 5 1/2 years, divorced 4.

Developed PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety attacks.

I just want the best for you. I went through years researching everything, which in a way contributed to the PTSD.

I so wanted to believe that he would change back to the person that I knew, but I found out that that person didn't exist.

I was dealing with the real him. I didn't want to believe it. It burst my happy bubble. I was dealing with a Dr Jeckyl, Mr Hyde.

When they think they are ok and don't want help, nothing you can do about it, when they read info, and then turn around and begin to blame you, nothing you can do about it. You can spend your lifetime, like I did, trying to prove your "rightness" and that you don't want to hurt them, it falls on deaf ears. Better to be talking to the wall, the wall doesn't insult you.

searching peace

When AH was here in the house and being so horrible, it was easier to be over the whole thing. But this happened without warning. One minute he was here and then next he was being taken away to jail. I didn't get a chance to say good bye to the him that is coherent and loving (mainly in the mornings) although lately that man wasn't even here in the mornings either. I just know him and when he feels lonely he will justify being with another woman. And that will be the end of any possibility of us being together ever again. And tomorrow is his 50th birthday. I am sure he will have a pity party and go out with friends and women etc. and I guess I'm having a really hard time with it all. I guess I know someone else is going to get my charming, fun living generous man that I love. And he will save all of his anger and hatred for me. I am just having a really difficult time letting go. And I feel really responsible. I wish I had just left Wednesday night, like I had so many other times before. I don't know why I didn't just leave the house. My daughter was taking a test and she was graduating the next day. But I was just so scared and wasn't thinking of anything other than protecting my kids and me. I hate that I made that call and it has gotten to the point that I cannot even talk to my AH. I'm sorry. I'm just having a very hard time with this tonight.

Bullfrog

When I left, I took the kids and stayed in a women's shelter for a month. It was very good for me and eye opening. During that time, with God's help, I applied for every stinking assistance (and job) I possibly could: Legal Aid, food stamps, state funded Medicaid and employment programs, childcare vouchers, low income housing... You name it, I was sitting in the office applying for it. But that's what those things are FOR-- for people who have found themselves in a life crisis and need help.

I guess my point is that, when you finally hit your ENOUGH, there is help. You just have to make the choice to reach for it. You do not have to live the rest of your life in abuse.

redatlanta

Listen Hon, you have got to stop beating yourself up.

What you are describing is how the cycle of abuse continues. Now the abused is sorry, the abused feels bad, the abused wishes she had not called the police. The abused feels "responsible".

If you can try and think about what you are saying here. This ^^^^ is why so many women and men end up getting the sh1t kicked out of them for years because the abuser beats them down so badly they begin to believe they aren't worth more. You are worth more.

I guess I know someone else is going to get my charming, fun living generous man that I love.

NO! That is the fantasy in your mind, its not true. What someone else will be getting is an abusive alcoholic. This is not your fault, who he is is not because of YOU. You did not fail him in someway that caused him to become an alcoholic and an abuser. He failed him.

Setting boundaries and enforcing them is the most gracious thing we partners of alcoholics can do for them. I don't know if this is a wake up call for your husband, I doubt it right now. What I do know is that until you say "I will not accept this behavior", which you now have, nothing changes. Continuing to live status quo says "This behavior is ok. You can be drunk, you can abuse me".

Don't let mind games reel you in. Please keep posting and stay strong.

You did the right thing (even if it doesn't feel like it).

RevivingOphelia

As opposed to another woman, the 7 years of abuse and addiction is what should keep you away from this man and negate ANY possibility of reuniting with him.

Please stay away from him, avoid contact, and keep using the services offered by your Domestic Violence organization.

dandylion

searching peace---you think of him as "charming;fun loving; generous"....and I don't doubt you that he could be that, at times. Maybe that was one of his big hooks, for you.
But, I can practically gurantee you that this is the public persona--that he can take o n or off like a jacket---when it suits him or works to his advantage or when things are going HIS way!
A truly generous person doesn't turn around and bash their l oved ones over the head with their anger and hatred!!!!!!!
It is not uncommon for addicts, personality disorders....or even sociopaths to be utterly charming!! They use these "valuable" social skills to great advantage to manipulate others.

TRUE, AUTHENTIC CHARACTER IS SHOWN WHEN THE CHIPS ARE DOWN. Behind closed doors as well as in public.

There are gazillions of remarkable men--who are kind, fun, generous, charming, intelligent, non-addicted, stable, handsome and affectionate. And, above all---they do not abuse their loved ones to make themselves feel better. These are not "movie star people". These are average men leading average lives.
This is what you deserve!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!! We all do.

I know that you are going through a very painful crisis, at the moment. I am giving you this as something to think about when you are missing him and idealizing him.

dandylion

Bullfrog

One thing I had to accept is that the charming generous him was the same him who would then call me vile names in front of our kids. It's the same person. Getting the nice side of him from time to time was not worth dealing with the abusive side.

PippiLngstockng

The fun-loving charming personality goes along with the abuse. Over the years, the more AH drank, the more socially confident and successful he became. The more money he earned, times he disappeared, friends he knew that I didn't. His love went away and I was alone in a marriage with a charming rich man doing everyone's laundry, tending to our children while he did whatever he wanted to do. Like treat me like dirt.

I was in your shoes and it only gets worse. Your A sounds as bad as mine. You are not in a relationship with someone that will ever again love and support you. You are on your own more than you want to realize.

But you have found a great place here. Keep posting! ((((Hugs))))

searching peace

I had a really bad night last night. AH called about 1:00 AM and I answered it. But several times during the conversation he lost his temper. I feel safe because I can hang up the phone. But I went to counselor today at DV center. She gave me lots of reading material and so I'm trying to not answer his emails, texts or calls. Tomorrow is his birthday. Last night he asked me to meet him tomorrow for breakfast or lunch or anywhere in public. The advocate said he is only trying to control me.
I hate that everyone says he can't change and I need to get out or I may not make it out. I still love my AH. I am going to pray that he is the exception and is able to change. But I know in my head, he won't. I will still always pray for a miracle.
The manager called from the place I was trying to get a job. I didn't get the job. It is raining here and the roof is leaking in my bedroom. Hopefully, I will find a job soon. I don't know how I'm going to take care of my children. I'm rambling. My brain is overwhelmed and I'm paralyzed with fear. And all I want is my AH to be the man I need him to be. Which I'm sure everyone on here wishes their A's would be the people they need them to be. I think for me the nights are the worst. Everything stops and it is quiet and I remember I have lost the only man I have ever loved. And there is nothing I can do to make this better.

redatlanta

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Addiction and abuse are terrible things to deal with.

You will find a way to take care of your children. You will find a job. You will get on your feet.

You do not have to live like this. You have made a step to not live like this anymore I am so proud of you.

I think maybe you reorganize the way that you think about AH and whether he will change or not. Statistically abusers do have a hard time changing. I can hear in your writing so much doubt over wondering if he will change and if he will beat the statistics. Here is what we know for sure. Your husband is an alcoholic and is abusing you. At this time he is not seeking recovery. Unless your husband seeks recovery he will remain the same. You know this. There is nothing we can do to force someone to want something as much as we want it for them. Until you see action from him….nothing changes if nothing changes.

Wishing you a better day today and (((((hugs))))).