ghostlyvision

Just got off the phone with my ABF (maybe I should say he's my RBF? Recovering Boyfriend? Still getting used to terms here.)

He's in an in-patient Recovery Center and it will be 3 months he's been there come mid-June. He feels he's ready to leave. The Recovery Center's policy is to stay for 6 months. I don't know the reasoning behind this for them to make a 6 month policy but that's what they recommend. My RBF feels like he's not going to get any additional benefit from being there an additional 3 months. Everyone's journey is different, right?

My RBF said he feels physically, emotionally and spiritually ready to come back out in to the real world and start making a life again. He knows he still has work to do and he is willing to do it through counseling and inner examination.

Am I being naive to think and agree with him that he IS ready to do this?

Hammer

Yep. And many A's journey leads back to the bottle.

Just so YOU know the relapse rate is high.

Especially among the self-directed and those who think they "know better than . . . . "

BUT . . .

Exactly NONE of that is likely your problem nor under your control or direction (or even input) at the end.

You will likely hear this over and over and over again . . . . sounds like a REAL Good Time for YOU to work on YOU. But since you will hear it again and again, later . . . you can do it then.

Really -- STAY OUT of HIS (you follow why it is called "HIS?") Recovery.

You have your own.

ghostlyvision

Hammer, thanks for the response.

So, what I got out of that is ..... let him do his thing and I should do mine.

dandylion

ghostlyvision---you could have any number or opinions about his proposed early exit from rehab treatment. In the end, it really doesn't matter what you think. He is going to do what he wants to do. If he wants recovery--he will fight for it and do whatever it takes. If he doesn't want it as his first priority---he will find any excuse to avoid it.

I would nudge you to have your boundaries in place, though. What you will be o.k. to live with--or tolerate--and what you won't.

I believe that hammer has hit the nail(s) on the head with his post. He has lived a lot of experience with the dual diagnosis. I think his words deserve careful consideration.

dandylion

NWGRITS

Bingo. He may be ready to come home and he may not. There's not a thing you can do about it either way. Stay on your side of the street and let him stay on his.

ghostlyvision

Thanks dandylion.

I guess I am an incurable optimist and I want to think that RBF is headed in the right direction.

Yes, I have already told him and written to him explicitly outlining what the "new rules" will be when he comes back. No alcohol whatsoever. He needs to work on self improvement, counseling, no exceptions.

I am working on me. As I've said in another post -- lesson I learned from first husband was to work on me and talk the talk. Lesson I'm learning from RBF is keep working on me and now it's time to walk the walk.

ghostlyvision

NWGrits you are right (and so is Hammer)

It's like riding a bike. I'm getting the hang of what you're trying to say but I have some wobbly moments where I want to control his recovery and I can't do that.


P.S. It's hot in Topeka!

dandylion

ghostly---it may be a matter of semantics for you.....but, just in case...."rules" are for him and boundaries are for YOU. (rules are reserved for the children..as adults tend to rebel against rules made for them by their peers))

dandylion

Hammer

Bike riding sounds good. Watch your lane. You wind up going where you are looking. Balance is a good thing. If you fall down, get up again . . . . could probably make a whole list.

And watch out for the Drunk Drivers blind-siding you.

ghostlyvision

dandylion -- OK. I think I get your meaning.

What boundaries should I be setting for myself then?

Carlotta

Think about what you are comfortable with and what you will not tolerate and write the list down then stick to them. Boundaries are not about the addict, they are about you.
Everyone has different boundaries so you got to find yours.
Like the others said: you need to work on you. The long term recovery rate for alcoholics and addicts is abyssimally low and you never know who will get it and who won't.
I have seen people who looked like they had it made relapse and not make it back and they seemed like "superstars". On another hand, I have a friend (from way back) who got kicked out of rehab (doc was heroin) for breaking the rules and arguing who got herself to NA when they booted her out and has over a decade of uninterrupted clean time. I never thought she would make it when they kicked her out: she was a big time quacker with an horrible attitude but she did.
My point is that ultimately it's up to him not you and that since none of us here are psychic, there is no way to tell what will happen. Best to keep working on yourself

Hawkeye13

What is acceptable for you--not what he must do.

For example, "I will not share a home with an active alcoholic"
is different than "You can't drink in the house"

You need to have a measurable consequence you are willing and able to enact should your boundary be violated.

So, if active alcoholism occurs in your home, will he be moving or will you?

Don't BS--only verbalize a consequence you are willing to uphold no matter what.

If you back down, the alcoholic will learn you don't mean what you say and this leads to increasingly unacceptable behavior.

I'm gonna be honest with you ghost--I see red flags here with your BF--mt spidey sense is tingling
between his "I'm angry you don't trust me" and "I don't need to listen to these experts and stay for more treatment"

What is your gut telling you? If in doubt at all, don't let him back in your home. Tell him to go into sober living and continue his healing.

Be careful with this.

Seren

Hi ghostly,

Personally, I think you are doing wonderfully well under the circumstances. You have a much healthier sense of self than I had when dealing with various alcoholic family members in the past.

I guess the best thing I can think to explain boundaries would be the experience we (hubby and I) had with his son. "Jr." is an alcoholic, crack addict, and polysubstance abuser (yay?). Anyway, Jr. would blame his father for everything, threaten, demand money, etc. A boundary my husband put into place for himself was this: If you can speak to me with respect and without yelling or vile language, I will talk to you when you call. If you start threatening, yelling, etc., I will immediately end the call.

He did not announce this boundary to his son, he just put it into practice. Worked amazingly well!

ghostlyvision

Thank you all for your patience in explaining this to me.

OK, so how about the first boundary I set for myself is:

I will not share my home with an active alcoholic.

The consequence for overstepping this boundary would be - I will distance myself emotionally from my RBF on the first offense. A repeat offense would result in me physically ending the relationship and moving away from my RBF.

Good? Too lenient?

ghostlyvision

I guess what I am looking for is a set of expectations I can share with my RBF.

I expect him to be sober. I want him to treat me with respect at all times. I want to love him and to be loved. I want us to have a relationship that includes going to church and being involved in community service. I want to be happy.

Hammer

And something the Rehab folks do not seem to to warn the family about . . . when the A comes back and are now off their Drug(s) of Choice . . . they can be pretty whacky. Many have been self-medicated for Years, and are now off for just a few months or weeks . . . . omigod.

All the Rehab told us was, "We are sending her home. We are telling her she is ok. She is NOT ok. She needs to be in Therapy, quick."

Picked her up at the airport and on the car trip home, she was talking in "voices" and just about drooling. The kids buckled in the backseat had that a wide-eye live show all the way home.

Went downhill from there. So be prepared for some whacky.

ghostlyvision

Hammer, thanks for the advice. And that's why I keep stressing to the RBF that he needs counseling or therapy once he's out.

And for everyone reading this --

I knew this guy when he was a kid. Before all the years of abuse by family, his service in the Iraq war, being wounded, PTSD, being in the middle of hurricane Katrina and loosing everything, took it's toll on him. He's seen a lot of death and destruction in his life. Jeeez.. I don't know that I wouldn't have a drinking problem after going through all that!

In his lowest points, in the year and a half that I've known him recently, it's been all about how he hates himself so much for drinking and how he wishes he could stop.

Going back in to rehab was his idea, not mine. He initiated this. I was ready to let him know that I couldn't do this as a daily routine of life and we needed to break things off. But when he said he wanted recovery, that being with me gave him a reason to be a better man, I had to believe him.

He did a lot for me when we were kids in high school. He showed me respect, he was genuinely interested in what I had to say. He thought I had value.

I just feel that I owe him the love and support he's looking for. I'm not ready to write him off just yet. He's a person in pain and he needs an end to that pain.

BlueChair

I don’t think your being naïve hoping he is ready after an intensive 3 month treatment. My husband went to rehab last year for a little over three months, then the doctor suggested outpatient for an extended period of time. He tried it for one month and said it wasn’t for him. He also never did AA. But he has kept up with counseling, and we also do family counseling.

When my husband wanted to quit outpatient I was a little scared because it felt like he was leaving a safe environment. But we talked and he explained his reasons why, and it all made sense to me and I felt he was sincere, plus he had a clear plan of counseling for his follow up care. This allowed me to relax, and we agreed to periodically talk about how it was working for him, and if I saw any warning signs of trouble. More help is always available, and while you cant control him, its ok to share your feelings, use your influence because you probably know him very well, and see his daily routine. Sometimes we see signs of progress or trouble before it computes in their mind. I think its denial or ideas they have of "I can fix it" but then it goes off the rails.

His wanting a more normal life, one not so focused on recovery is healthy I think. It’s a matter of can he cope with the stress of life (probably his trigger?) and use the things he’s learned to stay healthy. Only time will tell, but no sense going into it with a lot of fear or low expectations. Probably not best to have super high expectations either. It can be hard in the beginning and unexpected things happen. Find an even place and ride it like a wave.

(I wanted a surfing smiley couldnt find one !!)

NWGRITS

If he's the one who initiated it and is still making it HIS responsibility after he comes home, then that would be one thing. Nobody has a crystal ball to tell you if his intentions are good and true. I'm going to hope for his sake that he will hang on, but he definitely needs continued care for everything he's been through. You're getting the concept of boundaries. I think that detaching (distancing) yourself from him if he drinks is a good start. Don't be the puppet jumping around every time he moves. Let him take care of himself. If you detach and it still isn't working for you, then you can think more on whether or not to go. You don't have to make a decision overnight. One of my boundaries was that I wouldn't speak to my AM is she was drunk. We had very few phone calls and eventually I ended up going No Contact. It's different for everyone.

I posted that Foster's clip when we were moving cross-country to a new duty station and stopped in Topeka for a night. Most of my friends and family didn't get it. *sigh* I'm a hot toe picker!

ghostlyvision

BlueChair -- thank you for that post. It's just the thing I was looking for. I don't want our "new" relationship to be solely focused on the alcoholism and how to avoid it but, yes, I think as a supporting role in his recovery I should be vigilant.



And totally off topic -- NWGrits -- When I was a new single parent with two kids Foster's got us through a lot of rough weeks. The kids thought it was fun to role play "I like ceeeeeereal" for dinner, when in fact it was because Mom didn't have enough money to buy food for dinner.

They can still recite the "Hot in Topeka" episode word for word. They're 20 and 21 now.