NikNox

Hey all,

Been a while since I posted, but things have been relatively okay. SD is still not in contact with her mother, but that's her choice and absolutely fine. Since her mother forgot her birthday, it's kind of reiterated to SD that her mother doesn't particularly care for her and she seems resigned to that. She's been going her exams recently and has had some boyfriend trouble, so she's been pretty stressed. And then today happened.

I'm sure I've told you all this before anyway, but, and it's a tad complicated, my husband's parents have always had a 'thing' for SD's mother (who is not their daughter), so much so that it's caused a lot of problems in the past, because they basically protected her when SD was living with her and neglecting her. We never understood what the 'bond' really was, but had to accept (otherwise it sent us mad) that my in-laws had an awful lot to do with the alcoholic that ruined their son's and their granddaughter's lives. I know, it doesn't make sense, but there it is.

Since SD's mum came out of rehab in January, they've had a lot to do with her, despite promising SD that they wouldn't. They can't seem to stay away from her, so we had to accept that but asked that we weren't informed about anything because, basically, we don't want to know. Fair enough you would think. SD also doesn't want to know anything either. She hasn't seen her mother for 15 months now, and the last time she spoke to her verbally was New Years Day. Her mother texts her sporadically, like once a month or something (usually to tell her she's been out with my in-laws - which really upsets SD as she feels her mother is rubbing salt into the wound! SD's mum knows SD doesn't want her nan and granddad having anything to do with her, so why would she tell SD that she is?????), but SD never replies. Her choice. Today my husband and SD went to see his parents. I didn't go as (a) I didn't want to and (b) we're having some decorating done. I got a text from SD saying "I want to come home", so I text back "why?". She then told me that her nan and granddad were having a go at her about not replying to her mother's texts. They told her that it's been five months since she was out of rehab and that she should reply to her texts. SD said she didn't want to reply to them. They then told her that her mother wanders around her house crying because she misses SD so much, and that she's stressed because she misses SD so much. SD said 'I don't want to know that really', and said she felt like they were trying to make her feel guilty for how her mother is feeling. My father in law then said, and this is unbelievable "well, if she goes back to drinking we'll all know who to blame won't we". Oh my god. SD text me this, so I immediately rang my husband and told him to get home and get SD out of there. I asked him if his father had said this and he confirmed it. He said they would leave immediately, which they did. Poor SD cried all the way home, and is still in a state. I'm really hoping she doesn't self harm. I have reiterated to her, through tears that she is NOT, and never will be, responsible for her mother's actions, and that if her mother chooses to drink again then that will be HER choice, NOT SD's. SD said her grandparents have made her feel like a villain, and are making her mother out to be some sort of saint.

I am absolutely dumbfounded, seriously. Needless to say we have decided that SD will not be visiting her grandparents again. Clearly they prefer her mother, we get that, so they can just get on with it ........

HopefulinFLA

How horrible! It is NEVER a child's fault that a parent chooses to drink. You in-laws are doing a fine job of alienating their grand daughter, but it sounds like she's better off with out them anyway.

Hugs

NikNox

Thank you. I just cannot believe that they said that, I really can't. But on the other hand perhaps it isn't that surprising as they've always sided with SD's mum anyway. But you're right, she is better off without them & their toxic, tactless hurtful words. Damn them!

NWGRITS

My family used to use that line on me all the time, like my AM's drinking hinged on my behavior. What a bunch of @ssholes. She is so much better off without them. You're doing the right thing by telling her the truth and letting her know that none of this is her fault. Poor girl. I really empathize with her.

NikNox

Thank you nwgrits, I'm at a loss how any family can say this sort of thing to be honest, let alone to a teenager that they know has issues with her AM & self harms because of it!! Her grandmother sent her a text of apology earlier & promised, for the third time since Christmas, that she wouldn't have anything to do with her mum. Hmm, hasn't made any difference because SD knows that promise will be broken. They suck, they really do & now they've lost their granddaughter in favour of her non-related to them AM. Total crap ...

Seren

I'm so sorry about how your stepdaughter was treated by her grandparents, Nik...especially her Grannie. Some things I will never understand.

How is your husband in all this? They are his parents, and this must be incredibly painful for him, too.

PurpleWilder

I'm not familiar with your story but has your SD been to Alateen? I think it would be a big help for her....

NikNox

Seren, my husband tries to keep his parents at arms length, mainly because of their involvement with his ex, which goes back years & even caused him to have a breakdown, but he's an only child and they're old, so he feels obliged to visit them from time to time. Today though he told them they were out of order before leaving. He hates it, & is very upset by it.

Purpledurple, sadly there is no Alateen locally, but she is in counselling

Seren

Sending good thoughts and prayers for your SD, your husband, and for you. Hopefully, one day, his parents will....I don't know, really. Grow up?

Hope the three of you can have a fun popcorn, movie, and board game night soon!!

NikNox

Thank you Seren, I've just about given up on his parents ever growing up enough to put their own flesh & blood first!! I choose not to see them, but kinda wish I had today because if I'd been there when they'd laid into SD, I would have had some choice words to say about it!! Or perhaps it's better I wasn't, because I wouldn't have been very nice, probably. Hmph.

We had a movie night tonight actually, a late one, but that's okay because it's a bank holiday in the UK tomorrow

SeriousKarma

Oh NikNox,

I'm not a crier normally, but this one touched a bit too close. It's just so frustrating. Poor girl. I can only hope, (and I truly do believe), that what stands out for her is the support and understanding she's getting from you and her father. That HAS to speak louder than the ridiculous, clumsy, misplaced loyalty of her grandparents.

(My daughter is going to an Alateen conference next weekend. Wooo Hooooo!!!!! I'm sure there will be a lot of prayers and positive energy being sent out for kids like your SD.)

NikNox

SeriousKarma, it got me too. I've heard & seen many shocking things from them over the years- phoning us up & telling us SD was at home on her own at the age of 6 looking after her 2 year old half sibling whilst their mum was out getting drugs and refusing to act on our pleas to contact Social.Services (AM & the in-
laws live in the same town, 20 miles away) because they didn't want to "against" SD's mum!! That incident is one of hundreds over the 12 years SD lived with her mother, but yesterday took their protection of her to a new level! We thought their involvement with her would tail off when SD left her, of her own accord, to live with us, but if anything it's got worse, & now they're not only hurting us, they're hurting their granddaughter.

No more though, enough is enough

PurpleWilder

There are Alateen chat sessions online. I found 3 or 4 Web sites with chats online. Maybe that would help. And you could always start an Alateen group. There must be others in the area suffering the way your SD is.

LoveMeNow

I am glad to read your SD is in therapy and has you.

My adopted children's biological maternal grandmother (whew, lol) made them leave within an hour of their 5 day visit because the dog was acting up with them there. I certainly understand your frustration. Even stranger was my daughters comment when I went to pick them up.....she said "I am really mad at you". I asked "why?" She said "because You didn't even defend us to her." Ugh

She and I were always super close until she turned 18. My friends, family and I have been completely shocked to see how she has been treating me the past 2 yrs. I am told that it is not that uncommon. I am the safe one to take her anger at her bio mom out on. I wish I had kept her in therapy longer then I did.

FireSprite

These updates about your IL's & SD always break my heart, but this one is particularly horrifying to me. This comment is "up there" on the list of Most Awful Things Anyone Could Say To A Child & after everything that your SD has been through up to this point, just flat-out emotional abuse. ESPECIALLY to a child with a history of self harm!

I know I've said this before in your posts so I apologize for sounding like a broken record, but WHY are you allowing SD to have contact with the IL's at all?? Don't you think at some point you have to throw up your hands & admit you can't control stopping them from this kind of behavior but you CAN stop allowing her to be in the line of fire? No judgment, but I'm honestly curious about what the "pro's" are to allowing continued contact.... does SD get a lot of positive support from them in other ways that we just don't see/hear about in your posts? (which I could understand given the nature of an online forum) Does your husband attend therapy or a support group or anything?

SeriousKarma

PurpleDurple, yes, I believe they do have Alateen online. I'm sure my daughter will come back with a wealth of info, so I'll be sure to post something in the forum.

There are a lot of legal bells and whistles involved in starting an Alateen group. That's why they're so few. My city has a population of 300,000 and no Alateen. However.....

After attending my Alanon home group for about 3 months I asked if I could occasionally bring my daughter (then 14). The group said absolutely. I sat next to her at her first visit. She didn't say a thing, but I could sense her rapt attention as some of the group (women in their 60's) recounted stories of growing up with alcoholic parents. Afterwards she turned to me and said "I have to come back". She's now a regular. We alternate days, so as to give each other a little bit of privacy. It's been wonderful. I'm not sure if this is something that would work with other groups, or other kids, but it's something to think about.

NikNox

Firesprite, you have a very good point. She hasn't seen her grandparents much at all since they broke their first promise. This year, apart from yesterday, she's seen them once, but I was there too and I think they curb what they say if I'm there. The only reason she went yesterday was because they'd been nagging at her dad that they don't see her enough (erm, they should be able to figure out why that is!) so she went along with him because she didn't want him to have to face anymore nagging. Plus, the last time my husband spoke with them on they phone, his mother told him they hadn't seen SD's mum and she said she was cross with SD's mum because she'd text SD to say she'd been out with them. She said 'what does she think she's playing at? She's playing mind games with my granddaughter'. So, naively we thought that maybe, just maybe, it was sinking in. Sadly not. We have made a decision today that SD will not be seeing her grandparents again - they are not going to change, ever probably, and we simply cannot put her through that kind of abuse again. I'm half tempted to tell my MIL that she won't be seeing them again, and why, but I'm not sure it's a good idea.

We are still reeling from what they said, seriously cannot believe that they would say this to anyone, let alone their granddaughter, who as you rightly point out, self harms. It beggars belief, it really does. So, there aren't any pro's to continuing contact, just a whole heap of cons. As we say in this country, my in-laws have 'cooked their bacon' and enough is most definitely enough.

NikNox

Thank you for that, I'll look into it

HopefulinFLA

NikNox- You've made a sound decision for your SD. When she's older and more emotionally mature she can make her own choices about her grandparents, but for now you're doing a great job protecting her from their sickness. Poor kid, I feel for her. She's a lucky kid to have you and H for parents.

NikNox

Thank you Hopefulin. Her grandparents are quite old, and not in the best of health, but that's just tough I guess. They should know better at their age! They've knocked the stuffing out of her, so they are tje only ones responsible for this. Sad really, but we don't need, or want, their misplaced loyalty in our lives