TryingToLearn

My AH is acting mopy but won't talk to me at all. When I ask him anything even gently if he's feeling okay he just says Whatever and walks away. I feel so totally shut out as though I'm living alone and he won't communicate with me in any way. Is that just part of the progression of alcoholism? Or is it just a way to get attention? Just confused.

marie1960

If the X did not have a certain level of alcohol in his system at all times, i could definitely see signs of anxiety, moodiness, unable to cope, or he would just withdraw from life and be a basic ass.

i don't know what is worse, the silence, or the ranting and raving about absolutely NOTHING. Sounds like the calm before the storm to me.



The more important question, how are you?

CodeJob

Trying, could be your A knows you thrive with him as your centerpiece. He's messing with you perhaps. Marie is right to ask about you. You are worth at least HALF of the energy you usually spend on AH.

Hugs.

biminiblue

The Silent Treatment. It is a means of abusive control.

Don't react. At first I would beg/plead to resolve the issue du jour. Then later I thought, "Yay," I didn't want to talk to him anyway.

Finally I got to, "get your stuff and go be silent in your own place."

love4menotu

Yes this is a tough place to be in, and I understand your anxiety. The only way I have been able to handle it is to realize that when he is not under the influence, life is very difficult for him. That's why he drinks to begin with. He told me once his head what a place that never quit, and while inebriated it became a calm and happy place once again.

When sober I see him suffer, for weeks on end, until he gives in again. I have truly never seen a person in such emotional turmoil, I call it the shame spiral. I've no doubt that there is probably an element of mental illness here, but it's impossible to tell when his brain is soaked in alcohol.

So that being said, in order to not go crazy second guessing yourself and every interaction with your qualifier, keep busy, stay happy, get to alanon if you like. It helps me every time I go. If I am determined to have an active alcoholic in my life I've gotta get help for myself, otherwise I'd drown.

Blessings,

L

TryingToLearn

Thank you for all your responses. I have lots to think about after reading them. I'm okay. I want to leave, would love to leave but I'm holding myself back from taking that final step. I know what I need to do but it's really hard to do it and I'm taking baby steps towards my goal.

NorthofWest

HE would use the silent treatment on me all the time.....it was all about control and punishing me for saying or doing something he didnt like. I literally had to beg him to talk to me about losing the pregnancy because I was so horribly depressed and scared but he would just ignore ignore ignore.

take care of yourself. <3

Hawkeye13

Just ignore him right back and get on with your life.

When he realizes your attention is actually not on him (for a change)
I bet he will start talking again.

Best of luck in a tough time. Keep baby-stepping forward!

TryingToLearn

Thank everyone for your support. It's baby steps for me for sure.

lizatola

My AH is the king of the silent treatment, to which he claims is still effective in keeping peace in our home. I guess in some ways it does, but in other ways it cuts off communication. I don't bargain with him anymore, I don't plead with him to talk to me. I've gotten on with my life. I can totally relate to what love4menot4u said: my AH would binge and then come home depressed as he was coming off the high and he would stay that way for a few weeks. He'd seem better, be a bit more cordial and communicative, and then an opportunity to drink would come around again and the cycle would start all over.

There is no way to rationally think through what goes on with alcoholics, so the best thing we can do is to take care of ourselves. I take walks, call friends in program, come on here at SR, read books, clean, cook, whatever it takes for me to get my mind off whatever it is that HE is doing or not doing. It takes practice, but it's so worth it.

suncatcher

I remember XABF and his silent treatments. At the time it always made me feel like he was off in his own little world. Lala land is what I called it. Anyway, it made me feel shut out and lonely. I started taking care of myself more and worrying about him less but it did take time. As lizotola said it is so worth it! Be patient and keep reading and posting.

CarryThatWeight

This thread has made me feel so much less alone! I didn't realize that so many alcoholics do the silent treatment punishment. Anytime I said, did, or even looked wrong, I was given the silent treatment. After all, he couldn't talk to me, because I'd just start a fight. Anyone else have that, where anything you say is "starting an argument?" Wooo, that's some crazy making there. I'm so glad I'm not dealing with that right now. This site is so helpful. Thanks to all of you for your insightful posts!

searching peace

My AH would go and sit downstairs in his chair either on his cell phone or staring at the tv for hours and become more and more angry as the minutes ticked by. He isolated himself from me and my kids and then would be paranoid that he felt unwelcome in his home.

I'm curious. I have stayed for financial reasons. Why does anyone else stay with an A spouse?

LoveMeNow

I think many victims get beat down and don't think they deserve better.
Abuse is their norm....from childhood or other relationships.
Hope that they will change.
Fear of leaving because it can be a very dangerous time.
Fear of losing their children in a divorce.
Financial reasons.
Denial!
Codependency!

There are many reasons!!

TryingToLearn

Searching Peace, I stay because of financial reasons as our finances are so tangled. Trying little by little to get it all straightened out so I can leave. I do love him and I remember the person he used to be but since he refuses to get help, I know that person will never return. It's mainly financial for me but just not that alone. Emotions are powerful.

Thank you everyone for your help.

afloatsober

Sadly, many of us alcoholics are just like little children when actively drinking and sometimes in early sobriety. Only we often behave much worse....
When i was drinking, if you projected the mindset of a 4 year old into the body of a 52 year old man you would be close.
I am serious, and until we grow(sober) up if you have the patience, tolerance and resilience you are dealing with a juvenile..
Until we know better, then it's time to man (or woman) up.
Consolation is that it is a malady and there is a solution.
Don't wait forever for him/her to grasp it tho.
Best wishes.
G

suncatcher

Afloat sober, that is a good insight to remember when dealing with an a. I used to think of my a as just a scared little boy at times. He told me of some physical abuse that happened when he was a boy and he started drinking at a very young age.

Live

Since you know that this is his MO, you must stop expecting him to do/be/handle things differently. He isn't there for you.

It might be time to tell yourself that silence is golden, ignore him and go on with your life.

Right now this is working for him....you can change that.