Seren

Hello thotful,

I think you have every right to not associate with family members who have been cruel and disrespectful to both your wife and you. But I don't think you have the right to expect others to avoid them as well out of respect for you. Now, if that means you will not associate with family members who associate with the--that is also your decision. It just seems that you would be cutting even more people out of your life over something you cannot control (who they choose to spend time with).

My extended family is quite the diverse group in terms of personalities. Some of them do not speak to me or my husband for some as yet to be determined reason, but the rest do. While they have not been cruel to us with words, they must think some pretty interesting things about us or we would be included in their world in some way--as we are with the rest of the family. The other members of the family are part of their world ....and many of us are on facebook.

I suppose how I look at it is this: At least I get to see how the children are growing and what major family events have taken place. That makes me smile My hubby and I do get together with our other family members as time and tide allow, and we have a great time. We accept what is and is not.

Facebook to me is simply a means of seeing distant (in terms of miles) family and friends. Frankly, I rarely post to FB myself

Stoogy

Hugely different in my opinion, we offer support and we are there for each other rather than just ourselves.

lillamy

Thotful -- here's how I see it: When you make the decision to distance yourself from people who have hurt you, there are casualties in the form of other relationships. Them's just the consequences.

I think FB brings it to the forefront because you can see with your own eyes that dammit, people have fun without me as if I'm not even sitting here being hurt. It would be different if you just heard about the trip, and didn't have to see the evidence.

I would first of all examine my motives for wanting to post. Do you want to acknowledge the people you are still in contact with having a good time? Do you want them to feel the sting of you seeing this and maybe feeling a little guilty? It doesn't seem to me like there are any really positive reasons to post -- only reasons that would create more drama.

Facebook can be amazing and really, really horrid. I have a few suggestions for what you could do.

The most radical would be to stop using FB completely.
OR
If you haven't already, completely block the people you have cut out of your life. If you block them, it is as if you don't exist to them on FB and vice versa. You can comment on your SIL's pictures and the evil siblings won't see it.
AND
You can hide everyone in the family from your newsfeed. That way, you still have FB as a way to contact them; you can go to their pages and look at them when you feel strong enough but you won't have to stumble over their happy-happy pictures by mistake.

thotful

I certainly have never asked other family members to avoid the ones that have been abusive with my wife and I - that's their relationships between each other, not mine. I feel upset when people complain when I don't spend time with "family", when they really mean these giant get-togethers (over 20 people all-inclusive where my wife is completely ignored, not said "hello" too, or just a lot of abusive talk about others that I feel very uncomfortable with - it's like going into a den of toxin - no thanks - not interested in gossip city). They have yet to offer smaller gatherings (a lot of the toxin would die down). In my opinion, they are trying to make it seem like their family is intact and pulling the ostrich head in sand move. As for me, I spend personal time with the family members I do get along with (way less stressful and pretty much NO gossip - although there's some). If they ever complain about my contact with them (the non-estranged FOO), I directly state, "nothing stops you from calling me - sending me an e-mail - inviting me to lunch, etc". I call them myself sometimes, but relationships are a two-way street, so I might take a break from the effort from time to time.

As for facebook -
I've just turned off "follow" from my SIL so I don't have to see the posts. My estranged FOO members have FB blocked me so anything I write isn't something they would see, unless they used another person's account. I went ahead and wrote, 'I'm glad that you had fun, SIL" - this was completely honest.

The way I deal with facebook is I try to focus on using it the way that I feel right about. I am very honest there and have written about my work on sobriety and Al-anon, etc. I have had many personal messages about it of people thanking me for my sharing, giving me forgiveness for some hurt they had experienced from me, requesting advice, etc. Yes, FB can be used to be fake. But, it can also be used to be real - that's what I do. I know it makes some people nervous and they wouldn't do the same thing. That's fine for them. Me...I am honest there for recovery purposes. I have found a lot of hope and support there I would not have got otherwise through other means. It works for me. If it doesn't work for some of you, that's fine - Heck, if some of you hate it - that's fine too. Doesn't change how I feel about it. FB not working for others doesn't mean it won't work for me.

Thanks for the ideas. It helped - I took some and left the rest.

Thanks again!

Stung

Yep. For what it's worth, I'm an expert at the "look how completely fabulous my life is, especially all of you people that I never actually talk to…" meanwhile my life was seriously a red hot mess.

If your relatives had a good time being together then you can A. be happy for them, B. see CodeJob's post or C. get off of Facebook because you are sucked into the drama and spending entirely way too much time thinking about crap that really doesn't matter like what "liking" or commenting on photos will possibly mean to someone else. Why not just make it simpler and write "SIL, so happy that you had a fun time but I wish Tom, Debbie and Jake were miserable and crying in your pics!"

jacrazz

TD Jakes referred to this in his new book.

"To get to the core of who you are, you need to understand what you are. Think about this: giraffes eat from the top of a tree and turtles eat from the bottom. Neither is better than the other, but they don’t relate. A giraffe can’t explain to a turtle their worldview. The point is to eat on your level. If you’re a giraffe, be that. If you’re a turtle or a bear or a mountain lion, be that."


THANK YOU......Exactly my point about there being no real difference with FB and SR. We come/go to both to SHARE our life, good or bad, truth or lies. I admire you for sharing your "A" life on FB because not many will do so. They rather just take "selfies" and show the world how narcissistic they are. We come here because it's "safe", and I use that term loosely. Nothing is safe on the internet. These are public platforms and attracts all kinds, SR is by no means excluded from their share of "drama", just look at our stories. The only real difference is the awesome job the mods that swoop in and check us once and a while.

resolute50

Agree 100%
It's nothing but bragging,puppies,politics and drunk people.
When I see a post that has some people in my family that I like. And other that I don't care for. I simply say nothing or don't(like).

choublak

If your family members don't talk about it much, maybe it's because they don't want to be in the middle.

Kimmieh

I am on facebook FOR the puppies (and to post my own!).

I like facebook. I have a bunch of people blocked, adjusted who appears in my feed, and change as needed. It helps me to take control over something rather than just complaining about how awful it is. It is quite fun now.

readerbaby71

My ex husband is friends with most of my family on facebook. Last year my sister was going to CA and was meeting up with him. She posted about how she was "going to see her favorite brother-in-law". He, my mom, aunt and a few others responded to the post, gushing all over him. I was so pissed. I felt like she deliberately did it to get my goat. Then I realized that she is just insensitive and let it go. I wanted to respond so badly but I didn't. Taking the high road doesn't feel so good sometimes but I got over it.

I also had a friend go ballistic on me over something I posted (making fun of Courtney Love). She ended our friendship, yet started harassing me when I blocked her. (texting, calling, contacting mutual friends)

Facebook can be damaging to relationships. I've learned to immediately click away from stuff that riles me. Getting upset is wasted energy. FB is not real life.