asm505

Good luck to you. I am going through it right now. Today has been a bad day where I am feeling a little lonely and wondering if this is my future but then I remember that I was lonely with him here too. I seen an attorney this week to draw up a marriage settlement agreement so I can buy my own home.
Keep calm and try to explain to him that you can't stay on the roller coaster anymore and that you aren't happy and your heart isn't in it anymore. Maybe separate for a few weeks to see how you feel but I found that when my husband was out of the house, I didn't really miss him very much. Good luck

asm505

OMG...this sounds like my discussions with my soon to be Ex. He doesn't understand how we got here, it wasn't that bad, he was always available to me, he provided for me. Why am I being so cruel? Dragging the girls through the mud? I just tell him that we are not discussing it anymore and I am done talking and moving on.

ladyscribbler

I think it could describe every discussion with every alcoholic ever. No, I'm not psychic, I've just wasted way too much of my time and energy beating my head against that particular brick wall.

Worried0810

Well, he just opened a bottle of liqueur as I went to bed and I told him again that I thought that he was going to cut down. He then asked what my problem was. I told him that I didn't want Saturdays to be the night when he just gets drunk. He then told me that he would drink whatever he wanted. So I've gone to bed and tomorrow I tell him that I can't be here any longer if he's going to drink like this. I suspect he will continue. It breaks my heart to do this but he is killing me by choosing beer over me constantly.

suki44883

Oh yes, it's especially normal for them to not like change when you are trying to better yourself. See, if you better yourself, you might realize that you can do better than him, and if you realize you can do better than him, you might just decide that you're no longer going to stick around while he disrespects you. Oh yeah...they hate it when you open your eyes and start changing things.

CarryThatWeight

Yes, alcoholics don't like you bettering yourself if they feel threatened by it. My ex was also very particular about my appearance. Controlling, really. He wanted me to wear certain clothes, have my hair a certain way, certain earrings, shoes, you name it. I'm not sure if that's common or not but that's how mine was. I still have fear when I get ready in the morning, until I remember that I don't have to dread negative comments anymore! Stick to your guns tomorrow... don't let him talk you out of it. You may miss him, but I found it helpful to make lists of all the things he said that were mean, things he did that hurt me, things I will NOT miss, and things I'm thankful for now. When I miss him and am tempted to contact him, I have my lists to review and it helps me remember why I don't want to go back to that. We deserve better!

Pia

I'm sorry you went through this. This makes sense to me as my AH actions show how much he doesn't care. I never thought of it like this before.
Typical alcoholic refusing to take responsibility

Dugie

Hi worried, I'm sorry your going through this. Sounds similar to my situation with my wife. What has saved my life and my kids life is alanon, I have calmed down started living my life and I made a choice for myself that my kids will live with both parents until they Are older and then I plan to leave but I'm fine with that. She is still using so her mind is the way it is I think she is happy with the situation aswell I think it wrecked her head when I expected things of her she wasn't capable of like "normal honast conversation" sounds strange but very true. I'm just saying you need to find your path emotionally away from this you know it's not right for you but your tied in so take it easy on yourself slowly pull away from him and your mind will find it easier to make the choice you want to make. Get yourself to alanon and councilling and one thing that really helped was a sticky from Jon "what addicts do" you need to memorise this. The very best to you and take it easy one hour at a time and find your path. Dugie

Worried0810

I'm trying to speak to him right now but he says that it's my problem and that he's not going to talk to me because it's stupid. He's already starting drinking since around 10am, he drinking the liqueur stuff. What do I bloody say to him?!

CodeJob

Well IMO Lady Scribbler has both the easiest AND the hardest option. Easiest in the sense of the least energy spent on your A. Hardest in the sense that it probably goes against your usual style. But you get to choose.

ladyscribbler

Say, it's 10 am and you're drunk. It's over.
I forget what your living arrangement is? Is it your place or his? Can you make him leave? Cut the cord. At this point it's hurting you to stay in this relationship.

Pia

Hi Worried0810- Can you try to look at it from a business perspective?

Just state the facts like you mentioned and the resolution is you need him to leave?

Tell him you love him but you need to love him from a far right now.

Worried0810

Well, it's over.
He said that it's my problem not his, that he could find someone else and that he's moving out.
I'm not taking him back. We live together and we're both on the lease so I need to try and keep this as civil as possible. I'm staying away tonight because he will just be drunk and I don't want to see him.
It's hurting right now because I can't believe that he has chosen alcohol over me.
I need to ask you all something though - I will definitely need some strength and support from all of you. For those who left, how did you get through things?

asm505

Hugs to you. Keep your chin up. It was very helpful for me to make a list of all the reasons besides the alcohol that our relationship wasn't working and to remember that in my case it was years of trying to control the drinking and years of him ignoring my needs/concerns. Keep that list near by. Keep this website handy. The people on here will help you work through each and every emotion you have. And you will feel like a roller coaster for a while, at least I did. I second guessed myself for about two weeks.

Make that list....I hate to say focus on the negative but it helped me to remember the sick feeling in my stomach when I was walking on egg shells or whatever the situation was...

asm505

This sounds so familiar. I remember I came home from the store with a new pair of dress boots (very conservative) and he said, oh I like your hoe boots. Hoe boots, really? But I shouldn't take that personally because he was just joking...yeah. Or if I would buy a new outfit that was flattering and attractive there would always be a hint of attitude behind his comments.

I am an avid exerciser and I remember one night saying that once the girls are older and I could head straight to the gym after work, I would like to join one. He immediately spoke up and said, why would you want to do that, you have a treadmill in the basement. And I could hear the insecurities in his voice. Really? you think a gym might have more variety than just a treadmill??? Oh and the time I suggested going for a run in the park instead of the basement, that was another conversation that made me shake my head!

Wow...why did I stay so long?

Worried0810

Thanks everyone. I'm staying at my dad's tonight, I'm looking for a new place now. I'm gutted and have the feeling that I should go back and try to fix things - but to what end? He'll keep drinking and I'll be miserable. It hurts so bad but I can't change him and he won't change for me, so there's no hope. I just want to get this done with as quickly as possible and then I can start sorting myself out and planning what I am going to do in the future. I still love him but I can't be with someone who puts drink over me. I'm worth more, even if I am doubting that right now. Because he's chosen alcohol, I feel like I'm not good enough. But I know that'll pass. And it'll be alright eventually.
I worry about him though, I worry if he will be alright and if he will cope. It's silly because I know that he will be fine, but is it normal to worry?