AH uncle has died. Please help

Old 05-25-2014, 12:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
I suppose I'm desperate to help him because I love him and i have for 18 yrs!!! I want him to work through this and come home. I have always helped him through everything.
The hard truth is that the more you try to help him, the further he'll withdraw. You can't crowd most men, and if you step right back he just might begin to place more value on you. If at all possible (I know it's hard!), try to be less available. Currently he's pushing you back, but if he feels like some company he comes around to your place. He's setting the agenda.
I've seen it happen with friends; they get no respect until they start being less available and more hard-hearted.
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Old 05-25-2014, 02:41 AM
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I have told him that I will support him through the next few days until the funeral is over but after that I don't want to see him until he is ready to be honest with me and seek help!! I have found it very difficult the last few days being around him he has called for an hour or so since Friday and he will be here for dinner today!! It's hard to be around him because he won't talk to me he walked out with little explanation. I need to know if everything he told me was a lie and for how long. Some people say it doesn't matter if he lied or if he's in love with me but to me it does because I am struggling to move on with all these questions running round my head!!!

When he leaves I am emotionally exhausted!!!!

He told me yesterday he thinks that he is a functioning alcoholic but then other times he disagrees and that he enjoys a drink and he's just someone who works hard all week and looks forward to having a beer at the weekends? If only having a beer was the problem he can't just have a beer or two it's as many until he passes out Is this normal alcoholic thinking??

His mum rang me yesterday and asked me if I would mind baking some desserts for the funeral on Tuesday!! I haven't heard from her since my husband walked out and she rings me to ask that. Although I wanted to say no I couldn't but I was so annoyed!!

I have to get through today and Tuesday
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Old 05-25-2014, 03:45 AM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
His mum rang me yesterday and asked me if I would mind baking some desserts for the funeral on Tuesday!! I haven't heard from her since my husband walked out and she rings me to ask that. Although I wanted to say no I couldn't but I was so annoyed!!
I'm with you there! Amazing cheek!
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Old 05-25-2014, 03:54 AM
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Your right!!
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:29 AM
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Hi confused,

Let's back up. Uncle died.

That loss and the memorial for uncle should perhaps be your focus? You are all wrapped up in what ifs about AH who walked out on you? Why?

Are you a good baker? Maybe MIL actually has her focus on honoring uncle and not her A son? Cheeky or brilliant? You get to decide what your focus is going to be.
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:35 AM
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As usual, I agree with CJ here.

The uncle has died. Your marriage problems need to be put on the back burner for a few days at least. It really isn't appropriate, IMO.

Give your husband some space, he only has so much room in his head right now.
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:42 AM
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Because I don't understand why if he loves me as much as he says he does. I don't understand any of this and despite all the reading I have done I still don't understand how someone can walk out on their family so they can drink. I know I still have so much learning and I am very early in my recovery.

I am trying to support him as best I can through this difficult time. I suppose I don't know how long do I support him for do I say I'm here when u need me but is that letting him dictate how he treats me and tells him he can pick me up and put me down when he feels like it??

Iam hurt by his family who I thought I was very close to but they haven't even rang to see if the kids and I are ok!!

I think I'm a good baker not so sure lol. Can I ask what you mean by cheeky or brilliant? In what way would it be brilliant?
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:44 AM
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I know I'm coming across as selfish and I don't mean to iam so wrapped up in my marriage and can't focus on anything else!! I am trying to give him space and support him he wants me at the funeral with him and I am going for him
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Old 05-25-2014, 05:51 AM
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The uncle has been sick for a while.

Your husband is very involved with this right now, and has been for quite a while. Your neediness is something he can't handle right now. The fact that your marriage blew up when it did is no coincidence. Everything happens in God's timing.

I would see this as an opportunity to serve someone else's serious needs. They have asked you to bake some goodies and you say you know how to do it. Use your God-given talents to serve them at this time. Be gracious and kind, unselfish and loving. That will make you feel much better than harping at him during this sad time. This is about how YOU act, not how he acts. It's the only thing over which you have ever had any control.
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Old 05-25-2014, 06:35 AM
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I have agreed to do it but I can still be hurt by the fact they haven't been in contact even a telephone call!! Can I ask what you mean by the fact that your marriage blew up when it did is no coincidence??
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Old 05-26-2014, 03:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
I have agreed to do it but I can still be hurt by the fact they haven't been in contact even a telephone call!! Can I ask what you mean by the fact that your marriage blew up when it did is no coincidence??
Once again I agree with you. You didn't hear from them after your husband walked out, but the first phone call is to ask you to bake for the family.

It's not the biggest issue out there, but it says a lot about how women are expected to support their family without receiving the same consideration in return. If you're angry, apply some of that anger to your husband as well. He's hanging on around you, but still living exactly as he pleases.
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Old 05-26-2014, 04:26 AM
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My anger towards him is building more and more he rang me last night very drunk distraught over his uncles death. I spoke to him for over 2 hours he told me he missed me as his best friend and to me that's says he just wants to keep me around but without any commitment to me or the kids. I will support him through the funeral but after that he needs to learn the reality of life on his own. He wants to be on his own so he can drink well he's got it!!!!
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Old 05-26-2014, 05:21 AM
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Oh what a terrible situation, I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. You had separated well before his uncle's passing, right? And the family has shown zero interest in you or the kids' well-being since then, until this request to help with the desserts. I'd be offended too - it IS offensive (& selfish) behavior on their parts.

I wonder if you have reflected that maybe this is your HP's way of showing you exactly how disposable your AH sees you & your relationship while he is still actively drinking. I mean, "keep you around without any commitment to you OR the kids"???? That is the absolute height of self-centered behavior isn't it? And he obviously has no desire to change it.

As they say here at SR - he's showing you who he really is... believe him.
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Old 05-26-2014, 05:40 AM
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He wants me around when he wants me but still do what he wants and actively drink. I know he's very confused and all over the place with his uncle dying and he doesn't know how he feels except he wants to drink! I told him today that I will support him and his family at the funeral tomorrow make desserts and organise the food after the funeral so his mum doesn't need to worry but after tomorrow there will be no more contact except about the kids until he has figured things out. I will give him time to sort himself out but I will focus on myself and my kids.

Last night and today was a wake up call as I realised just how disposable my AH sees me and how unimportant I am to him. I have been so focused on whether he's in love with me and wants his future with me as I thought that gave me hope he would sort himself out but he has told me today he doesn't know how he feels about me if he was in love with me how could he hurt me this way! I realised it doesn't matter how he feels he's not here and his actions show me alcohol is more important to him. Only he can sort himself out I need to focus on me and my kids they are my priority.
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Old 05-26-2014, 05:41 AM
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Yes he walked out in march
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Old 05-26-2014, 12:00 PM
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Ah calls to use you as his counselor and you give him 2 hours? Next time say this at minute 9 and wrap it up by minute 11. You need this time focusing on your own mind and feelings!

"Oh I need to run I've got biscuits about to burn for a funeral luncheon."

You were kind. You are busy being kind to others... I believe your situation is a bit typical of "the A wants to have their cake and eat it too?"

As for MIL being brilliant or cheeky? Who knows? You can't read her mind. Chances are high she will side with her DS. You have EVERY right to be hurt and devastated by your mate. But this is not the scene for marital drama.

Thinking about you and the situation. Sending you strength and hope Confused! Hugs!
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Old 05-26-2014, 12:45 PM
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No I know it's not. His sister called today she's home for the funeral and we have always gotten on well she was very supportive having had addiction with alcohol herself but she sought counselling as she didn't want to lose her family!! She has told me aswell to focus on myself and let him get on with it!! She informed me that MIL is very angry with her son but doesn't want to appear to be taking sides while I understand that a phone call wouldn't have hurt after all she has on other occasions he has walked out!!

I will support him and his family tomorrow but I have told him that once the funeral is over he's on his own until he has figured this out. For my own sanity I need to focus on me but here's the thing I don't even know how I true.y feel and don't know how to figure me out!!!
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Old 05-27-2014, 04:14 AM
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Hi Confused I can see you developing independence and beginning to take the focus off your husband and on to things you can control. It's a long painful process.
Thinking of you at the funeral; I hope it's not too upsetting for you.
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Old 05-27-2014, 06:25 AM
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It was more upsetting being around him. I sobbed my heart out but I don't know if it was because I was with him as I find it hard to be with him and usually cry or for the death of my husbands uncle. Or it could have been because I knew after today I would be going no contact. He asked me if he could take me for lunch later on this week and although I really wanted to I knew I couldn't. He then said oh that's right you don't want to see me. I reminded him that I would see him when he was willing to talk and sort himself out!!
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Old 05-27-2014, 11:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Confused39 View Post
It was more upsetting being around him. I sobbed my heart out but I don't know if it was because I was with him as I find it hard to be with him and usually cry or for the death of my husbands uncle. Or it could have been because I knew after today I would be going no contact. He asked me if he could take me for lunch later on this week and although I really wanted to I knew I couldn't. He then said oh that's right you don't want to see me. I reminded him that I would see him when he was willing to talk and sort himself out!!
Wow! Just that.
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