NorthofWest

Ayyyye. I dont know why. I had a moment of weakness, unblock him and facebook and now he's in a relationship. I shouldn't care. I totally should NOT care.
From what I know of this woman, she's a party girl so, basically an enabler for him.

So now I'm in this tailspin of emotion like.....why couldn't he be there for me? He can be emotionally available to this girl but not be for the woman who lost his child?

I'm just so....mad. Mad that I have had to go through all this trauma and pick up the pieces from the mess he made.

help

buttercup89

Oh Northofwest I understand your moment of weakness and i am so sorry you had to find out he has a new gf. That's my biggest fear so i can imagine how you must feel. I don't really know what to tell you. I just want to send you some hugs.

Katchie

His new "relationship" is destined to fail. He isn't emotionally available for anyone. You know this. Do you think he's a prize catch?? You know better. I'm so sorry your hurting right now. Don't waste your time peaking in on his pretend world. It only serves to cause you heartache and it isn't worth your valuable time. What are you doing for yourself? Hugs to you

NWGRITS

Be glad she's dealing with his crap, and not you. Dollars to donuts he's not any more emotionally available to her than he was to you. She is NOT lucky. YOU ARE.

NorthofWest

thanks, buttercup. I know its my own fault for looking but i just had this overpowering feeling that i NEEDED to look. The shock has subsided, but I'm still just....hurt. I've been through hell because of this guy and he walks away like he just doesn't care. So THAT hurts....being reminded that he never cared and that I was just something for him to use.

gettingbetter64

I reactivated my fb the other day because I had an urge to look at one of my exes pages and a guy I was recently with who burned me pretty bad. I didn't see anything too bad but I still got upset because my ex is in a relationship which I knew of. And the other guy could be to. That's why I deactivated my fb again and have no plans to return. Everybody life's can look perfect just thru the internet, especially thru Facebook you really don't know what really goes on behide it all. Take care

NorthofWest

thank you for that.
i'm so confused right now and youre right about peeking into his pretend world. I guess he can pretend to be emotionally available and be in this relationship....but you can only pretend to be something you're not for so long. and if shes just as destructive, its a disaster waiting to happen.

A tiny part of me thinks that i was supposed to see it when i did....like i needed a little push forward to move onto other things. well, to move onto this really great guy who actually respects me.

And, I haven't told anyone this but since losing the pregnancy i feel like i have a guardian angel now. There's been little things here and there that have made me think that there's someone looking out for me. I can't explain it really .....but I guess I felt it tonight, which prompted me to look. I know it sounds crazy...

NWGRITS

He's an alcoholic, hon. He doesn't think about this stuff the way you do. His brain isn't wired that way. He doesn't care. That's not said to hurt you, it's said to enforce the point that all he wants is a wonderful enabler who will let him be with his first love (the bottle) endlessly. None of this is a personal attack on you from him. He's just using her, too. There's a saying "Don't compare your behind-the-scenes to someone else's highlight reel." Anyone can make their life look just rosy on Facebook. (((HUGS)))

NorthofWest

THANK YOU. i need to keep hearing things like this. It's not harsh at all. It's what i need to hear.

i just found myself back into thinking there's something wrong with me, like I did something wrong. But he's alcoholic and this is what he does. He uses and abuses. And two destructive people together is just going to end in disaster.


i JUST saw my therapist today too. ugh.

NWGRITS

You didn't get this overnight. It's a slow conditioning into thinking and behaving the way we do with an A, as you've probably heard your therapist refer to as enmeshment. It's going to take time to get out of it in your head, but every little bit of awareness and progress is *still* progress. I think it's great that you're seeing your therapist and posting here to hold yourself accountable. You're growing, even if you don't see it. We do.

iamthird

I know your pain! That hurts...honestly I too have stayed off FB since husband and I separated 2 years ago. It saves me a lot of pain.

I have had weak moments and gotten curious as well and logged on...it gets you nowhere better. It helped take me back to that dysfunctional place where I dont want to be.

Do not romanticize their relationship. People can portray one thing on FB and it is not the reality! He is still broken. All you can do is get yourself to a point of healthy...

Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve and get stronger. You will find peace...

NorthofWest

I feel a bit better even though i didnt get a lot of sleep. Before i went to bed, I took a look at her page and she IS straight up party girl (but in her 30s)....clubbing, even posting something about 'popping a molly' which i am assuming is a drug. I've never done drugs so I don't know what all the hip terms are for them. :P I guess that's the major thing though....I don't do drugs not even weed, have no desire to do them, rarely drink. In fact, the night that I saw him back in the Fall....I went into my purse to take my vitamin D supplement, and he saw me take the pill and put it into my mouth and asked 'what do you have there'....like all curious. I'll never forget his tone....the way he said it....like he wanted to know what 'drug' i was taking.

The other thing is that her father is a police officer, and HE is trying to become one. As soon as I saw that it was like a lightbulb going off...i KNEW there was something he had to be using her for.

so no loss on my end. She can have him and put up with the constant drama. I will continue to work on myself and also see what happens with this guy who treats me the way I deserve to be treated.

NorthofWest

i havent deactivated my account and do not plan to. I just can't go back and block him again for 48 hours! Boo! It's some stupid rule facebook has.
But you are right-it brought me down to this dysfunctional place i dont want to be in.

NorthofWest

i forgot to add....last night when i was looking at his page i noticed something that i found a bit concerning. He posts the same thing that he posted a week or two sometimes even a month prior. It's usually a picture....but it makes me question his sobriety. Is he drinking so much now that he can't remember things like that? eek.

definitely dodged a bullet.

and thank you again to everyone on here for your support. You all have helped TONS.

involved

Quote:[northofwest. I know its my own fault for looking but i just had this overpowering feeling that i NEEDED to look.]quote

Thats because we are as addicted to them as they are ot their DOC... Its normal to feel that "NEED" that is withdrawal ... Its about working toward resisting those urges, that we get healthy one day at a time. Dont beat yourself up...your working towards a better life. He is staying in his sickness.

NorthofWest

i found out that they've known each other only 5 weeks. So red flag i suppose and just adding fuel to the fire for destructiveness. He has a tendency to move fast. I just remembered today that the day i met him he said i was his girlfriend (he was...26 at the time, i think) and i brushed it off like it was a joke. The next day, something happened (cant remember what) and he said 'you're still my girlfriend right?' to which I replied 'uh...' and then laughed it off.

It makes sense right? like what my therapist said about A's being emotionally whatever age they started drinking heavily?

SparkleKitty

Stop torturing yourself trying to fill in the details of a relationship you know next to nothing about and has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are hurting yourself by lingering in that place.

Take all of that energy and time and pour it into yourself. Energy and time spent trying to figure out what makes your ex-A tick is energy and time NOT spent figuring out what makes YOU tick. You deserve better than what you got from him; it's time to convince yourself that is true.

asm505

Keep your chin up and remember why you aren't with him anymore. Even if his behavior and being emotionally unavailable is acceptable to this new woman, it wasn't enough for you and YOU deserve better. Hugs!

NorthofWest

i was feeling better but today...not so much. I dont know if i have post-traumatic stress from losing the pregnancy and then how he treated me....but i interacted with someone today who acted and talked exactly how he does- entitled, condescending etc etc it was how he acted towards me after the loss. And I LOST it. I started shaking and almost started crying and feel so depressed now.

im so mad at myself for allowing such a destructive person in my life. i'm mad i made excuses and gave him the benefit of the doubt. :/

thisgirl81

I totally understand where you are coming from. I actually deactivated my facebook for the first time ever. I felt that I had to do this because it was keeping me stuck in this hell and I was obsessing. I have also come to realize that As (at least my A) don't even have the ability to have feelings like we do. Be glad that you have feelings and that you aren't numbed down like him and be thankful that he is out of your life. They are selfish and want what is most convenient-it's not really about love for them, it's about them trying to fill a void or using someone to get something. It's really a sad existence. I'm sorry for your loss, that must be terrible, especially when the person you love isn't there for you (I know what that is like). Keep working on yourself and good things will come, it may not be easy, but in the long run, you will be happy he is gone.