AgathaChristie

As a preface: I am not an addict, nor do I have a family member or partner who is one. But due to my situation, I've been reading these threads for some time now, trying to find a deeper understanding. At times I feel like a fraud for even being here because I haven't suffered through years of a relationship riddled with relapses, as so many of you have. I just want to say that you are all courageous and patient beyond measure. That you are all loveable and worth it, but that the love and worth must first come from yourselves - you are your own priority.

I have always considered myself altruistic, which sounds so much more noble and selfless. I've always acknowledged that I could not have made it out of my own lows without the love and help of others, and have made it a point to give back as much as I have taken from others in all aspects of life (we are all in this together, right?). I had never considered myself a 'codie' until I found this website...

To make a long story short, I met a man. I met a man while I was healing from a difficult life hurdle and trying to re-find myself, and therefore I was completely incapable of a relationship. But by the very nature of the situation, it could only have been temporary anyways, so I thought, "what the hell! Why not?"

He was selfless. Rough around the edges (to my delight), but soft and caring at the core. Shortly in, I had heard rumours about his past but didn't hold any weight on it, figuring it was his business to tell me first hand. And he was honest about all of it - history of drug addiction and rehab and all that comes with it. That in and of itself did not bother me. He made a point to even leave his cigarettes at home when he came to be with me, and when my roommates/our mutual friends would invite him out for a toke, he would decline.

While we were chatting one night, I mentioned that I didn't want to get too attached. I think I was saying this more for my benefit - in hopes that it would help me distance myself more. After quite some time of silence, when I asked what was up, he replied "you say you don't want to get attached, but I think I already am...". Being in the state of confusion about myself that I was, and panicking that I was getting too attached for something strictly temporary, I sabotaged things early in and he broke things off. I panicked further at my sabotage, ended up being needy and made more of a mess. The start of a short but drawn-out non-relationship relationship.

Cutting out all the bull in between, as things were very push and pull (me pulling, him pushing, mostly), I'll skip to the end. As he started to party more (turning to alcohol and other drugs than the usual), he was more scarce in my life. It hurt both to watch him spiral and that he chose not to have me as part of his daily life, but I didn't make a big fuss of it with him. He was there to have fun and forget, and I wasn't much into the party scene - especially knowing his history and not wanting to be part of enabling his behaviour. Nevertheless, we would sleep together every so often and on those nights he would talk to me about everything. We would stay up until 4am while he told me everything, and I tried hard not to ask questions, react, or say much in return - just letting him open up however much he wanted to. There were, at times, things he said that left me concerned or confused, and I would bring these up at a later date if I couldn't just let them go. If he wasn't the one to bring up these things first, he would get testy. Eventually it seemed like every topic I brought up pissed him off - his family, his upcoming move, his job prospects, his past. I wasn't sure what I could bring up anymore. My best guess is that he just didn't want to face reality at this point, so anything aside from the here and now and the parties and...well...politics were all off the table. He got distant, aside from a quick drop in once in a while to ask how I was and then he'd be off again. Never asking anything of me, except once when he asked if I would go to the hospital with him if he needed to - he didn't end up needing to.

Nearer the very end of our time together, we ended up getting drunk together a few times (something I regret, no matter how much fun we had or how much closer I felt to him for it). I was over everything in my life at this point and was getting high almost daily (not with him) and (not so often) drunk to escape reality. I'm fortunate enough that I don't necessarily have an addictive personality, but I do have a bad habit of using drugs to numb and cope with life rather than using them for fun.

During these times, he would say things that I couldn't help but believe were the truth. I had seen him lie before - about silly things, like his age. But with these things, his face would contort in such a way that I could physically see the pain and frustration that matched his words. He repeated what he had been saying for months - that it was HIM and not me that was the problem (although I never believed that, and that frustrated him to no end). He would say things like, if he couldn't even take care of himself, how would he take care of another person? He would explain that he knew I didn't believe I was the only one he was sleeping with, but that even just this ONE situation with him and myself made his head spin. He would tell me about the constant struggle he had with fending off cravings for THE drug. He would talk about a year or two from now when he's able to confidently shut out his cravings and how then he'll be good to go for a relationship, and how if he wasn't in this state of mind that he's in right now, he'd happily marry and have children with me. He would tell me how sure, we could have a lovely life together right now, but then what if he steals from me, or asks for money for drugs, or what if he's spending money on gear, and how pissed I would be for it all. He told me about plans that he would later deny in his sobriety, but that he ended up following through with in the end. He would tell me later that everything he had told me was true, but that he shouldn't have said it.

But he never asked me for anything. He always paid for everything with us. He wouldn't say these things and then woo me into bed - more often than not we either had these conversations after sex, or we would have the conversations and then go our separate ways for the night. There didn't seem to be an ulterior motive behind saying these things.

A common theme I see running through these threads is that addicts lie so that they can continue to use, whether that be to manipulate persons for money or to steal for money, or to get away with using, but I didn't see any of that. He didn't hide his drinking or other drug use, and he never hit me up for money. I downright offered that man money (at the beginning, before I knew his past) and he turned it down.

It was only a few months, but I'm definitely attached emotionally, but my problem is more so that I'm confused. He moved miles away, and the day he left he was angry and distant with me. A couple of days before, I had said something very hurtful to him - that I would be glad when he moved away because it was a friggin' rollercoaster and I was tired. There was so much push and pull, distance and closeness followed quickly by more distance. I had never seen his face drop and twist in pain like that - like I had actually stabbed in square in the heart. I felt immediate remorse for what I had said. He told me it had been a rollercoaster for him too. Expressed more frustration about how it wasn't about me, but him and that I *never* understood that. The next day he asked how my heart was. I asked in return, though half sarcastically, expecting still at this point that he didn't care. He responded, with almost the same look of pain on his face, "it's a lot worse than you probably think" before turning on his heels and leaving. He told me he would never leave without saying goodbye, but the day he left was full of tears on my end, and frustration on his - he did everything he could to avoid me and never did say goodbye. It's been about a month since then, I guess. I understood on that day that he needed space from me, so I've made sure to let him have it. About a week after he left, he wrote a message to see how I was. I responded but didn't hear back some time after, so I wrapped up the conversation, to which he replied a rather hasty message about how I always expect an instant reply. Again, I kept my distance.

Next time he messaged, he lashed out at me because someone told him that I was talking **** about him. I hadn't, but he was clearly upset and wasn't going to listen to what I had to say. He told me that he knew he should have listened to his instinct and not gotten into more with me. That something was wrong with me because I wouldn't take no for an answer, and that he was pissed off that I thought it was all just a game and that his last days there were so intense. He somehow got the idea that I had moved onto a new guy already and said that I couldn't have been that into him anyways then. He said that he had the feeling that I fell in love with every guy I sleep with, and he made sure to mention that we were never together and that he wasn't so sure I understood that. I tried to remain calm, although my heart was in my throat. I gave my truth and told him that I'm content with that, but he will believe what he wants to believe. He told me that he wasn't happy when he was with me because I always brought up his past. He admitted that maybe that was his fault (and by and large it was his initiating), but that I would bring it up over and over. He ended by asking me to leave him alone for a while, and I did - again. He didn't delete me on the ol' social media, and I didn't get this. If everything he said was true - if being with me made him unhappy (even though we were never 'together'), if he was so pissed off about everything to do with me and our time together and my ways, why not rid me from his life? But to make matters more confusing...

Two weeks later, he sent me a friendly message and we had a rather short but civil and friendly chat. Forty minutes after our conversation, he sent me a photo of somewhere we had been chatting about previously.
Not quite a week later, for the first time, I wrote to him first and told him that I hadn't been truthful with him - that I had indeed fallen for him, but had tried to deny it because it is hard to be on the giving end of unrequited love. He simply told me that that wasn't news, said that he hoped I was okay and that we'd speak soon. That was it. I responded by stating that this time I needed space, and I've since removed myself from social media - taking this time to get myself in a healthier state of mind and body. Getting back to that very first priority I had, which is finding myself again.

My reason for being here is not to learn that I cannot change him or his path (maybe I'm not as codie as I thought). I am well aware that he will do what he will do regardless of what I say, and being that he is so far away, I have no choice but to let go. My being here on SR is strictly selfish in trying to understand what happened. For even though we are miles apart now, I'm still dizzy with confusion. The other threads seem to deal with partners who are manipulating and lying to gain something. He has never tried to get from me, but now that this man is across the world, he truly has nothing to gain from me. Not the sort of things that most people seem to peg addicts with trying for, anyways. So...what gives? Can anyone give a little insight into what it's like to be recovering/addicted and struggling in such a situation? It seems like a lot of addicts are also codependents, which makes figuring out this situation that much harder - he's quite independent.

I'm not looking for the same old 'RUN!' replies. This man, while having a bit of a past, is intelligent, self-sustaining, proud, and not morally corrupt. Things just are the way they are and I'm not looking to change him or the situation, but to simply understand it better. I am really truly sorry if you are hurting from your own situation, but I'm not looking for projection, but rather some insight. Perhaps this is a better thread for addicts or recovering addicts to reply to - that they might understand the state of mind better than those of us who are on the receiving end.

I'm sorry this is so long and I appreciate your time and understanding.

honeypig

AC, I have no input or insight for you, but you'll doubtless get replies from others who do.

If you feel you want insight from addicts or alcoholics, you might try posting here Alcoholism - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information or here Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information .

Best wishes.

Mango blast

My insight would be:

- educate yourself about this disease of addiction. Actively. Keep learning. I've been learning for 10 years and still learning more.
- not to expect rational behavior. The brain of an active addict does not act rationally. Early recovery can be an even bigger rollercoaster ride.
- to accept him fully and unconditionally the way he is, whether you are with him or not. There is no separating the good from the bad, it's all together in the same person. He deserves compassion.
- to hold him and yourself responsible for your own actions, your own lives. Not easy. So important.
- to learn to accept yourself fully and unconditionally. You deserve happiness in your life.
- to find balance and goodness within yourself. This can be a long journey, but it's never ending and that's a wonderful thing! Actively. Keep learning.
- to find a psychologist that understands your own areas of interest plus addictions. This should have been first on my list. It's not always easy to get in with good ones. I had to make a lot of calls, got on waiting lists, made more calls. It was worth it.

Finding your own healing and inner peace brings about change in good ways. Alanon is a wonderful place to be with lots of good people. The 12 steps work. I found only one group that I didn't care for and have been to several different ones. My closest group is my favorite, but by going to other groups I've gained more personally. Sometimes I don't even know what I picked up or why until days or weeks later.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings