Blossom717

So my ABF's brother stopped by yesterday, ABF wasn't home yet so we were chatting, catching up. He asked me how ABF and I were since last time he said we seemed tense. I just told him that I'm worried about his drinking, the doctors told him to stop or it could kill him, blah blah blah.

He understood, he's a functioning alcoholic himself and will readily admit it. Their dad was for a long time but is sober now. We discussed how it can only be the alcoholics decision to quit and I'm very aware of that. (my new reply when he disagrees with my opinion is "Its your life." and let it go)

Anyway, we moved on from the subject, chatted about work until ABF got home. Then they went outside and hung out, drank some beers of course.

This morning he told me that his brother is trying to "cut back" himself. His brother is aware that he looks up to him, maybe he was trying to influence him? I think its pretty silly to discuss cutting back while you have a beer in your hand though.

I'm trying to let his family know that it is a definite problem, with out causing drama. I don't know why, but I want them to understand my reasons for when I leave. I want to be amicable because his family is my daughter's family and its important for me that she has them in her life.

I guess my question is, have you told your A's family members about the issues? what was the reaction?

ladyscribbler

My experience was that even if they've seen really awful consequences from the alcoholic's drinking there is still a huge amount of denial by the family. If I had it to do again I wouldn't have told his family anything in advance. All it did was cause a huge scene with axb's mother in front of my children. It was so bad that I didn't have contact with her for several months, though I did have DS 5 call grandma and grandpa every week. When I finally did speak to them again we were able to be cordial.
Remember they are HIS family. Your daughter can have a relationship with her grandparents whether they agree with your reasons for leaving or not. I went in with that same desire for validation and was very hurt and disappointed when I did not get it. But that was my fault for having expectations.

dandylion

Blossom---don't you think that your statement that the doctor told him that if he continued drinking it would kill him is a pretty strong hint.......LOL!!

I appreciate your thinking, though....I think it is very important for a child to have l oving extended family in their life. I hope you are able to facilitate this.

I haven't been in your exact position..so, I can't be of too much help to you, I am afraid....

dandylion

redatlanta

When RAH relapsed I did not tell his family.

In my personal experience it is of no help to me to involve close family (and sometimes friends) with issues within my marriage. There is either pressure to leave OR codependent enabling that can undo progress (even the progress to leave). Had my MIL known he was drinking again she would have come in like the codependent enabling queen that she is and really done some damage.

If we had split I wouldn't have told her then. At that point its not my business anymore, and as telling her so they wouldn't think badly of me - I don't care what they or anyone thinks of me. I love my MIL she is a great woman. Rarely do in laws stay in the mix with an estranged spouse after the fact. They shouldn't have a problem with their grandchild and if they do something is wrong with them.

peaceofpi

A few months before I filed for divorce, I met my BIL at a bar (his choice - he had beers, I had water) and laid out all the facts, including the bizarre lies, prostitutes, passing out mid day, hidden vodka. He actually had contacted me because the A got caught telling a huge lie, and, BIL said, he was concerned about him.
I also talked to the A's mom, a recovering alcoholic, and again tried to stick to the facts (but spared her the mention of prostitutes).
They said words that were supportive - "we'll do anything we can do to help!" - and said they wanted to have intervention. But months later they couldn't bring themselves to coordinate schedules to do so. They both live here. Was kind of like hearing quacks of "probably" from an alcoholic. Just a bunch of words.
After I filed, we are estranged. Predictably, they circled the wagons. They seem unable to draw boundaries and let the alcoholic deal with natural consequences of his actions. IMO, his Hero overachiever older brother needs him as the Scapegoat within their alcoholic family. Of course, they never had an intervention and won't admit outside of the family that AXH has a problem. Might make the Family look less than perfect.

peaceofpi

In retrospect, not sure anything was gained by my telling AXH's family. I guess I felt better letting them know beforehand - my due diligence. But I spent a lot of mental energy asking them for help that wasn't going to happen. Denial, blame-shifting, and enabling are easier.

m1k3

Blossom, I'm going to come at this from another perspective.

It's not your job to tell HIS family about HIS problem. Not your monkey, not your circus.

If they come to you and ask then you can either tell them or not. Totally your choice.

Your friend,

lillamy

Let me guess as to why -- and this is based on ME and not on YOU: You want them to understand your reasons for leaving and you want them to support you because you don't want to be the bad guy in their eyes. Maybe the fear of being the bad guy is one of the things that are holding you back from leaving? Just a suggestion...

I had a great relationship with AXH's family. They knew he had mental health problems. They knew he was an alcoholic. They knew he could be abusive -- they had seen it in action, towards other family members. Yet, when I left, not ONE of them ever contacted me again. Except once, his father called to give my son the bank information for his college fund. Other than that, they all dropped me like a hot potato.

I would tell anyone leaving an addict to expect nothing from the addict's family. And I would also say -- don't wait for people to give you permission to leave. You don't need permission to leave. It's your life.

Katchie

I haven't felt it was my place to tell my AH's family, that's his responsibility if he chooses to do that. I let my own family know in the hopes I could build a support system for myself, and so far, that is exactly what has happened. The other people I let know, for my own support, are our close friends -- the wives.

iSPAZ

In my experience when we are trying to spread the word we are manipulating by triangulation. I am VERY guilty of this but have done my best to discontinue this behavior. If someone asks or if I am setting my side of the record straight when mis-truths are being spread then fine otherwise I try not to get involved. Work on my side of the street and let them litter up theirs if that is what they so choose. As the addiction progresses it will become obvious to everyone but the addict. Yes I too was blamed for my XAW alcoholism. Funny that now I am out of the picture she drinks more than ever. The truth almost always come out in the end.

Blossom717

Thanks guys...I guess I needed that. I still have a lot of work to do, in not involving myself with his messes, and not creating any that aren't already there. Deep down I just want someone to reach out to him. I can't do it. I won't do it. But Thats the codie in me! I need to remember that this is his disease, no one elses, and he needs to reach out himself.

Thanks for putting be back on the ledge!

mdkathy62

Hi Blossom717,

Thank you for sharing. I am writing to you as someone who was in a relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years. This was several years ago. I can't tell you how many times I tried to tell his family how serious his alcoholism was. I felt I was doing the "right" thing and now, several years later, I believe the "right" thing would have been to leave him be and let his family deal with it their way.

Each time I tried to tell them, I felt awful. I felt like I was telling on him and while some family members, namely his dad, believed me, his mom had a very difficult time. She took what I said and put all her effort into covering up for him, hiding the situation from his dad. The enabling increased rampantly and I played a role in that. And the more I tried to "help" by reaching out to people to reach out to him, the more he felt attacked, awful, and insecure. Like I was looking down on him and he had some kind of problem or sickness. Years later, I can totally see how it would come off that way. In truth, it was probably partially the issue. I was so insecure that I thought "helping" or "saving" him would make me the hero. I thought if his family saw me as someone helpful, they would like me more and, therefore, I would like myself more. That did not happen.

He hid his feelings about it for awhile and didn't speak about it, but I knew the resentment was growing between both of us. Things obviously got bad and we broke up. And you know what? Years later, after we have broken up, we don't keep in touch, I hear from mutual friends that his mom is still enabling him and he is still getting into trouble with the law. She comes in each time to rescue him when he gets a DUI. My reaction now when I hear this is, she needs to cut him loose. He needs to learn consequences on his own because us saving him has done him no good.

And when it comes down to it, people believe their family member. What he told them and what I told them most likely conflicted. How would a bunch of a strangers, a mother namely, believe me over her only son?

From my experience, I'd say, live your life, whether it's with him or without him, but don't fight his battles for him. It is not your job to notify anyone of what he's going through. It is not anyone's job to save him but him. It is extremely hard to do. Even now, when I hear my ex is several DUIs deep, part of me and my old habits wants to be helpful. Should I tell his mom? No. Really and truly, this is HIS battle. Not mine. Not his mothers. You don't have to make this yours either.

Take care Blossom717.

Mango blast

Thank you for this! It's good to have some stabilizing ground here.

My husband's family knows, doesn't want to talk about it unless it's among themselves (not with him -- ??), minimize it and are fine with having a light shown in any other direction. It seems like they're generally big on the "cutting back" thing. It's what they know, it's what they grew up with. It's normal life to them. Everybody drinks or has some kind of problem. The ones who stopped drinking seem to have found new lives that don't include the family reunions, so I haven't talked with them in years. That's sad. -- I mean, good that they're doing well. Sad that I haven't talked to them in ages. I hope they're doing well.

My husband doesn't talk to them about it, so I stay out of it. Not sure if they even know he went to rehab for a month last winter.

Mango blast

Amen.

NWGRITS

You're dealing with a family of alcoholics. Keep your mouth shut and save yourself any more trouble. You're probably going to get trash talking about you to their family and in front of your kids regardless of what you try to do to pre-empt it. Just don't play ball at their level. It'll do nobody any good. Stay on your side of the street and let them deal with their own mess. And as far as cutting back... yeah, that won't last long. I wouldn't even bother mentioning it.