Friendly advice? Alcoholic boyfriend.
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Friendly advice? Alcoholic boyfriend.
Right, to begin with, I'm fully aware of how easily it will be for tons of you to write a load of judgemental negativity towards what I have to say. Quite frankly I would agree with most of it. I am being selfish and allowed my life to return down an awfully dim route where I don't want to be going but I cannot help. The problem now being that it will be wrong of me to bring another being into the mix.
Not sure where to start, but I'll try and be brief. I have a track record of dating people with additive personalities, alcoholics, substance abuses, ex convicts. Some of us cannot resist the 'need to fix' someone and look after them. I'm aware that the men I involve with are the base lines of the troubles I've had over the years so don't need to be told that.
Over the last two years or so I've tried everything humanly possible to sort my life out. I barely touched alcohol, was (and still ) working 50-60 hours a week to keep myself focused but now I'm at a bump in the road.
My boyfriend has a problem with alcohol - obviously he is adamant that he doesn't though meaning my chances of helping him come of it are slim. He isn't am awful drunk - but he is constantly broke (and spending more than id like of my money as a result since I work). I really do love him and am willing to put up with the stress of his problem however I want a baby. Not just want but need. And I want his baby. And he wants the same. I've done everything I want to do in life and feel ready - the problem is that I don't think he is ready he just things he is. He is older than me being 30 and I think he believes a family needs to be started now before it's too late. But basically, I think he will let me down.
The bottom line however is that I don't care if he does mess up. I think I have thought about it enough to accept that if I do have his child that I'll probably end up as a single mum. So what? I know loads of great single parents. The key question I am trying to get at is whether or not it's worth raising my alcoholic boyfriends baby without him if he chooses not to play an active role? Is that selfish of me or is the chance that help he'll pull through and sort his life out be enough?
Any opinions and/or advice would be great.
Thank you so much
Chazzy
Not sure where to start, but I'll try and be brief. I have a track record of dating people with additive personalities, alcoholics, substance abuses, ex convicts. Some of us cannot resist the 'need to fix' someone and look after them. I'm aware that the men I involve with are the base lines of the troubles I've had over the years so don't need to be told that.
Over the last two years or so I've tried everything humanly possible to sort my life out. I barely touched alcohol, was (and still ) working 50-60 hours a week to keep myself focused but now I'm at a bump in the road.
My boyfriend has a problem with alcohol - obviously he is adamant that he doesn't though meaning my chances of helping him come of it are slim. He isn't am awful drunk - but he is constantly broke (and spending more than id like of my money as a result since I work). I really do love him and am willing to put up with the stress of his problem however I want a baby. Not just want but need. And I want his baby. And he wants the same. I've done everything I want to do in life and feel ready - the problem is that I don't think he is ready he just things he is. He is older than me being 30 and I think he believes a family needs to be started now before it's too late. But basically, I think he will let me down.
The bottom line however is that I don't care if he does mess up. I think I have thought about it enough to accept that if I do have his child that I'll probably end up as a single mum. So what? I know loads of great single parents. The key question I am trying to get at is whether or not it's worth raising my alcoholic boyfriends baby without him if he chooses not to play an active role? Is that selfish of me or is the chance that help he'll pull through and sort his life out be enough?
Any opinions and/or advice would be great.
Thank you so much
Chazzy
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Have you considered your child's future? Not yours but your child's. Having a baby just to satisfy your own 'need' is a selfish reason to bring a child into a world, especially knowing up front that parental alcoholism and potential abandonment are part of that child's future. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't hear any sound reasoning in your thinking at all. It sounds very self-centered to me.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Hi and welcome. I was raised by an alcoholic father and a mentally ill mother. I have spent a lot of my adult life reenacting those childhood relationships in the hopes that this time there would be a happy ending. I am coming to realize that a relationship is not going to fix everything that's twisted up inside me.
Working on myself through Alanon and individual therapy is helping me to unravel the mess and I am learning to love myself first. Maybe one day I'll be ready for a relationship.
I am trying to break the pattern for my children so that they will not struggle the way I did. There is a better, healthier way to fulfill yourself than relationship hopping with unsuitable men. Kudos on being aware of your patterns. It took me years to see mine clearly.
Breaking up is a personal choice, and I would be out of line telling you what to do here. Please do consider doing some work on yourself before you bring a child into the world just to fill that hole inside you and have someone who has to love you no matter what. For one thing, it doesn't work, and for another it's horribly unfair to place the burden of your happiness on an innocent child. That emptiness you feel will not be filled with something external, and a child is not an extension of you.
Love yourself enough to want better and the rest will follow.
Working on myself through Alanon and individual therapy is helping me to unravel the mess and I am learning to love myself first. Maybe one day I'll be ready for a relationship.
I am trying to break the pattern for my children so that they will not struggle the way I did. There is a better, healthier way to fulfill yourself than relationship hopping with unsuitable men. Kudos on being aware of your patterns. It took me years to see mine clearly.
Breaking up is a personal choice, and I would be out of line telling you what to do here. Please do consider doing some work on yourself before you bring a child into the world just to fill that hole inside you and have someone who has to love you no matter what. For one thing, it doesn't work, and for another it's horribly unfair to place the burden of your happiness on an innocent child. That emptiness you feel will not be filled with something external, and a child is not an extension of you.
Love yourself enough to want better and the rest will follow.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 39
A baby is a huge responsibility, which will probably end up with YOU taking on all the responsibility.
I lost a pregnancy with father being the alcoholic. There is no way I would have raised the child with him if I hadnt lost it. Like i told another poster, your child deserves its best chance possible-and that means growing up in a healthy, loving environment. Personally, I dont think that it possible with you being the sole breadwinner and working 50-60 hours a week. Who is going to watch the child? Your alcoholic boyfriend? You trust a drunk with your childs life? I dont mean to be rude, but its VERY irresponsible to bring a child into this world under those circumstances.
I lost a pregnancy with father being the alcoholic. There is no way I would have raised the child with him if I hadnt lost it. Like i told another poster, your child deserves its best chance possible-and that means growing up in a healthy, loving environment. Personally, I dont think that it possible with you being the sole breadwinner and working 50-60 hours a week. Who is going to watch the child? Your alcoholic boyfriend? You trust a drunk with your childs life? I dont mean to be rude, but its VERY irresponsible to bring a child into this world under those circumstances.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You cannot "resist" the need to fix someone? Currently, you are enabling. Nothing good will ever come of this. Do you really believe you have some magical power and your love for someone is a cure?
You want to have a baby with an active alcoholic that doesn't work? Who is going to support that baby? You are going to go to work everyday, and leave your baby in the care of an intoxicated person?
You asked for opinions, well my friend, it appears you are not able to currently break away from this type of toxic life choice, you currently are not able to endure a bit of discomfort today, to help yourself and try and better your own life.
Why, why, why do you think it is ok to intentional bring a child into this world, knowing the father is an alcoholic and has nothing to offer?
Motherhood , is a lifetime commitment of giving, currently your selfish thinking does not make you a good candidate........ sorry, but you asked.
You want to have a baby with an active alcoholic that doesn't work? Who is going to support that baby? You are going to go to work everyday, and leave your baby in the care of an intoxicated person?
You asked for opinions, well my friend, it appears you are not able to currently break away from this type of toxic life choice, you currently are not able to endure a bit of discomfort today, to help yourself and try and better your own life.
Why, why, why do you think it is ok to intentional bring a child into this world, knowing the father is an alcoholic and has nothing to offer?
Motherhood , is a lifetime commitment of giving, currently your selfish thinking does not make you a good candidate........ sorry, but you asked.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
You have the right to surround yourself with any lowlife of your choosing. To expose an innocent child to ex-cons and drug addicts, is not only WRONG it could endanger the child's life.
please seek professional help........
please seek professional help........
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by HealingWillCome 
Have you considered your child's future? Not yours but your child's. Having a baby just to satisfy your own 'need' is a selfish reason to bring a child into a world, especially knowing up front that parental alcoholism and potential abandonment are part of that child's future. Sorry to be so blunt, but I don't hear any sound reasoning in your thinking at all. It sounds very self-centered to me.
To be fair, why does anyone have a child? The reason for anyone to have a child is selfish. People do it to fulfill their own image of having a 'family,' or because they've always wanted to. Or because it is expected of them. All are selfish reasons. What unselfish reason is there for having a child? It's all about what the person doing it wants.
I can see adopting as being less selfish, but not having your own child.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 873
Well you stated "Any opinions and/or advice would be great. "
The friends have given you great words of wisdom.
Have you thought of going to the court house and sitting in the family cases to hear the many, many stories of families going though divorce/separation and children are involved because alcoholics?
Have you heard and seen the stories and looked at the mothers faces of pain / suffering and despair.
You may have friends that single mothers but you don't have their life and if any of them suggested it's a good idea to have a child with an alcoholic I would question that friendship.
Children are not dolls or toys . My AH kept pressuring me to have a child with him. Been together over 10 years . Now we are divorcing and thankfully no children are involved.
The friends have given you great words of wisdom.
Have you thought of going to the court house and sitting in the family cases to hear the many, many stories of families going though divorce/separation and children are involved because alcoholics?
Have you heard and seen the stories and looked at the mothers faces of pain / suffering and despair.
You may have friends that single mothers but you don't have their life and if any of them suggested it's a good idea to have a child with an alcoholic I would question that friendship.
Children are not dolls or toys . My AH kept pressuring me to have a child with him. Been together over 10 years . Now we are divorcing and thankfully no children are involved.
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Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by Ourtown
To be fair, why does anyone have a child? The reason for anyone to have a child is selfish. People do it to fulfill their own image of having a 'family,' or because they've always wanted to. Or because it is expected of them. All are selfish reasons. What unselfish reason is there for having a child? It's all about what the person doing it wants.
I can see adopting as being less selfish, but not having your own child.
I can see adopting as being less selfish, but not having your own child.
But having a child for selfish reasons and raising that child in a toxic environment because you think it's the best you can do are very different things. There's more in the world than what your limiting yourself to. There are healthy, non addicted, non felon men out there. Why do you feel this is your best and only chance for a family?
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by Ourtown
To be fair, why does anyone have a child? The reason for anyone to have a child is selfish. People do it to fulfill their own image of having a 'family,' or because they've always wanted to. Or because it is expected of them. All are selfish reasons. What unselfish reason is there for having a child? It's all about what the person doing it wants.
I can see adopting as being less selfish, but not having your own child.
I can see adopting as being less selfish, but not having your own child.
I also think it ties into the OP wanting to desperately take care of something (someone).
Better off getting a cat or a dog than having a child. :/
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by NorthofWest
I think in this situation its more a matter of being irresponsible....
I also think it ties into the OP wanting to desperately take care of something (someone).
Better off getting a cat or a dog than having a child. :/
I also think it ties into the OP wanting to desperately take care of something (someone).
Better off getting a cat or a dog than having a child. :/
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Why exactly do you want to have this man's child, knowing fully well that he might not be a part of that child's life?
What I see in these type of relationships is that you choose this man, this type of man, because you know you have power over him and the outcome. You know that he is such a mess (and your previous choices in men the same) and therefore they won't use the regular healthy and confident means to assert themselves.
If you weren't afraid of strong men who have their life in order and have confidence in who they are, what they want, and what they will tolerate and let you control, you would choose a strong and healthy and confident man where the relationship would be equal and balanced.
You don't want that equality and balance where the man would have as much say in the child's life as you.
Think about that.
It's not pretty.
What I see in these type of relationships is that you choose this man, this type of man, because you know you have power over him and the outcome. You know that he is such a mess (and your previous choices in men the same) and therefore they won't use the regular healthy and confident means to assert themselves.
If you weren't afraid of strong men who have their life in order and have confidence in who they are, what they want, and what they will tolerate and let you control, you would choose a strong and healthy and confident man where the relationship would be equal and balanced.
You don't want that equality and balance where the man would have as much say in the child's life as you.
Think about that.
It's not pretty.
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You know... it's kind of interesting to me that you start your post by being very defensive. It sounds like you actually know that rationally, planning on having a baby with an alcoholic who probably won't be there is not a very brilliant idea.
I actually know the feeling of "I need to have this man's baby whether he'll be in my life or not." Been there. Luckily, in my case, the man in question wasn't able to produce children.
I would not base a decision this big on feelings. Feelings are traitorous bastards. They're not going to be there to help when your kid has colic and you don't get more than 15 minutes straight of sleep for three months. They're not going to be there when your toddler figures out the kid safe locks on the drawers and cuts himself with a filet knife and you need two hands to hold the wound together and another two to call 911. They're not going to be there when your teen is suicidal. Etc.
I have four kids. Let me tell you: The idea of having a baby is nothing like the real thing. I love my kids beyond anything in the world, but there is NOTHING anyone can say that will prepare you for what parenting is like. Nothing. Two of mine are grown, but there are still days when I think "what the F**K was I thinking having children??? I can't handle this sh*t! It's TOO MUCH!" And I'm saying that having an incredibly supportive husband and stepdad who is there every step of the way.
I've seen what growing up with an alcoholic parent has done to my kids. I've been a single mom. You know why single moms do OK without a dad present for their kids? Because they don't have a choice. That's why.
I think it's a thoroughly harebrained idea to have a child without being in a stable relationship. Not just for the child, but for YOU as well. I don't mean to sound preachy but parenting is a 24/7/365/until you die commitment.
When I was dating the guy whose baby I wanted to have, an older friend told me to get a dog, and see how he and I could take care of a dog together. "Because," she said, "worst case scenario, if things go to hell, you can take a dog to a shelter. You can't do that with a kid, you know?"
Feelings are traitorous bastards. They make you think things that aren't true. Please, be smart about this. You don't want to bring a kid into the mess your life is. And that's not a judgment. I DID bring kids into a mess with an alcoholic. That's why I'm asking you not to. It's a hell of a different dimension.
I'm fully aware of how easily it will be for tons of you to write a load of judgemental negativity towards what I have to say. Quite frankly I would agree with most of it.
I actually know the feeling of "I need to have this man's baby whether he'll be in my life or not." Been there. Luckily, in my case, the man in question wasn't able to produce children.
I would not base a decision this big on feelings. Feelings are traitorous bastards. They're not going to be there to help when your kid has colic and you don't get more than 15 minutes straight of sleep for three months. They're not going to be there when your toddler figures out the kid safe locks on the drawers and cuts himself with a filet knife and you need two hands to hold the wound together and another two to call 911. They're not going to be there when your teen is suicidal. Etc.
I have four kids. Let me tell you: The idea of having a baby is nothing like the real thing. I love my kids beyond anything in the world, but there is NOTHING anyone can say that will prepare you for what parenting is like. Nothing. Two of mine are grown, but there are still days when I think "what the F**K was I thinking having children??? I can't handle this sh*t! It's TOO MUCH!" And I'm saying that having an incredibly supportive husband and stepdad who is there every step of the way.
I've seen what growing up with an alcoholic parent has done to my kids. I've been a single mom. You know why single moms do OK without a dad present for their kids? Because they don't have a choice. That's why.
I think it's a thoroughly harebrained idea to have a child without being in a stable relationship. Not just for the child, but for YOU as well. I don't mean to sound preachy but parenting is a 24/7/365/until you die commitment.
When I was dating the guy whose baby I wanted to have, an older friend told me to get a dog, and see how he and I could take care of a dog together. "Because," she said, "worst case scenario, if things go to hell, you can take a dog to a shelter. You can't do that with a kid, you know?"
Feelings are traitorous bastards. They make you think things that aren't true. Please, be smart about this. You don't want to bring a kid into the mess your life is. And that's not a judgment. I DID bring kids into a mess with an alcoholic. That's why I'm asking you not to. It's a hell of a different dimension.
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My father is an alcoholic though I really spent very little time with him and still do not. I consider him my biological parent but not my father. My mother never had a taste for alcohol and my parents divorced when I was very young, I was basically raised in a non alcohol envirnonment and wasn't really exposed to the crazy train stuff.
However, I will tell you that growing up without a supportive father in my life has had a very profound effect on both myself and my siblings. My mother did a great job, she did her best and for the most part I consider myself lucky that he wasn't in my life. But facts are facts - growing up without a father in my life has impacted me.
You are right that many mothers do just fine on their own - so did my mother. But even she knew and wished that things could have been different and the choice to raise us on her own was only because she didn't want us raised in the crazy environment we surely would have had she not divorced him.
However, I will tell you that growing up without a supportive father in my life has had a very profound effect on both myself and my siblings. My mother did a great job, she did her best and for the most part I consider myself lucky that he wasn't in my life. But facts are facts - growing up without a father in my life has impacted me.
You are right that many mothers do just fine on their own - so did my mother. But even she knew and wished that things could have been different and the choice to raise us on her own was only because she didn't want us raised in the crazy environment we surely would have had she not divorced him.
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I am a single parent of two kids. The ABF is not the father of the 7 year old, but raised him since he was born. When I got pregnant with the 2 year old, I didn't want him but he did. He swore up and down he would be there, like with the 7 year old (he was 5 at the time) and I was stupid enough to believe him. He wasn't there, he didn't help me at all. He was more of a father before the 2 year old was born.
In his defense, the alcoholism progressed very rapidly after he had an accident at work, and it just happened to be right around the time I found out I was pregnant. After that point, things were never the same, and I think he was too far gone to realize what he was losing out on. He went to rehab and everything changed, but of course, it didn't last, which was even worse for us, because after having a dad in the picture for so long, he was ripped away again by this awful disease. I honestly believe that if I didn't have the kids I would have left him sooner, but when you do something like that and you have kids, you bear the weight of their emotions as well. It was easier for me to allow him to see them when he was sober, which then, of course, progressed into "let me stay the night" and then what do you know, he was back in my house.
Having kids is no easy task. I wouldn't wish being a single parent on anyone, ever. I hate being a single parent with a passion. Especially right now-I have my own crap to deal with and I can't because I am stuck with these kids that don't care what I am going through (not that they should or anything, they are kids) and I have no help from anyone. I am very quickly going insane.
I don't really say this to anyone here, but this is a really bad idea. Trust me. You have plenty of time to have kids-work on the relationship first. Eventually you will have to choose between him and the baby, and that is a very hard choice to make, it is not as easy as people think. And don't think for a second that having a baby is going to make him stop drinking, because it probably won't. It might, but it is not worth the chance of having the baby to find out that you have to raise the baby on your own.
In his defense, the alcoholism progressed very rapidly after he had an accident at work, and it just happened to be right around the time I found out I was pregnant. After that point, things were never the same, and I think he was too far gone to realize what he was losing out on. He went to rehab and everything changed, but of course, it didn't last, which was even worse for us, because after having a dad in the picture for so long, he was ripped away again by this awful disease. I honestly believe that if I didn't have the kids I would have left him sooner, but when you do something like that and you have kids, you bear the weight of their emotions as well. It was easier for me to allow him to see them when he was sober, which then, of course, progressed into "let me stay the night" and then what do you know, he was back in my house.
Having kids is no easy task. I wouldn't wish being a single parent on anyone, ever. I hate being a single parent with a passion. Especially right now-I have my own crap to deal with and I can't because I am stuck with these kids that don't care what I am going through (not that they should or anything, they are kids) and I have no help from anyone. I am very quickly going insane.
I don't really say this to anyone here, but this is a really bad idea. Trust me. You have plenty of time to have kids-work on the relationship first. Eventually you will have to choose between him and the baby, and that is a very hard choice to make, it is not as easy as people think. And don't think for a second that having a baby is going to make him stop drinking, because it probably won't. It might, but it is not worth the chance of having the baby to find out that you have to raise the baby on your own.
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Join Date: Feb 2014
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As the child of an alcoholic father who died when i was 14. I have resented my mother for stayi g with him and choosing what was for me an awful childhood full of fear and chaos. I hope your child doesnt feel the same way when its an adult. Its not as if you are in your fortys and hes your last hope for a kid. What you are contemplating is very selfish and i truly hope it doesnt blow up in your face one day. Please dont rush into anything...wait a couple of years cos the chances are he will get worse not better unfortunately.
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Just like to add that from what i read on your post. I would bet the next guy you get with, if you and your partner split will be a fixer upper too and your child will have two dysfunctional men to contend with. Is that ok with you? Work on yourself before you do anything else. I wish you the best x
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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If you need to fix someone, fix yourself. The track record that you describe, your present situation and your outlook on your future, is not what I would want to bring a baby into.
You're working 50-60 hrs week...who's going to take care of the baby? If you're with him or if you're with someone else (say another addict or ex-con) are you willing to leave a baby with them?
I'm not sure what your upbringing was like, but when you imagine your future with a baby....how does that compare?
I would strongly suggest that you focus on yourself, straightening out yourself before willingly bringing a little life into this world.
Goodluck.
You're working 50-60 hrs week...who's going to take care of the baby? If you're with him or if you're with someone else (say another addict or ex-con) are you willing to leave a baby with them?
I'm not sure what your upbringing was like, but when you imagine your future with a baby....how does that compare?
I would strongly suggest that you focus on yourself, straightening out yourself before willingly bringing a little life into this world.
Goodluck.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I am an ACOA (adult child of and alcoholic). I am currently 60 years old and I will never forgive my parents for bringing me or my sister into that sick, twisted environment.
I remember my favorite wish as a child was " I wish I was dead. " .
I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
This is not meant to be judgemental or negative or harsh. I am simply sharing my history. Please consider the experience of those who have been through what you are planning.
Your friend,
I remember my favorite wish as a child was " I wish I was dead. " .
I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
This is not meant to be judgemental or negative or harsh. I am simply sharing my history. Please consider the experience of those who have been through what you are planning.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
having a child isn't something we just mark off our bucket list.
skydiving. check.
macho pichu. check.
baby. check.
bringing a small helpless human into the world is a lifetime commitment. every day, all day. parenting is a pain in the @ss a lot of the time....it's always something....and it goes on for a long time! choosing to go into this with a confirmed alcoholic who already freeloads off of you while you work 50-60 hours a week is simply NOT a healthy situation to bring a child into. not when you have the choice.
sure maybe you'll have a baby and this guy bails. but with your track record, you'll be off seeking yet another "lesser than" to fix and bring some other addict, alcoholic, ex con into this precious child's life. and what? leave them in charge of child care? you would willingly let someone with drug/alcohol problems look after your child? for any length of time?
I think you have some issues to sort out first. like learn HOW to resist that need to pick up strays and try to fix them. i'm curious...how successful have you been at FIXING anyone else?
skydiving. check.
macho pichu. check.
baby. check.
bringing a small helpless human into the world is a lifetime commitment. every day, all day. parenting is a pain in the @ss a lot of the time....it's always something....and it goes on for a long time! choosing to go into this with a confirmed alcoholic who already freeloads off of you while you work 50-60 hours a week is simply NOT a healthy situation to bring a child into. not when you have the choice.
sure maybe you'll have a baby and this guy bails. but with your track record, you'll be off seeking yet another "lesser than" to fix and bring some other addict, alcoholic, ex con into this precious child's life. and what? leave them in charge of child care? you would willingly let someone with drug/alcohol problems look after your child? for any length of time?
I think you have some issues to sort out first. like learn HOW to resist that need to pick up strays and try to fix them. i'm curious...how successful have you been at FIXING anyone else?
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