PippiLngstockng

I am happy and strong and healthy. My children are growing and maturing and the bonds between them are stronger. We are strong together. We have a wonderful family cat and live in a peaceful, beautiful village where the neighborhood children come to ask my children to play. I love our friends - mine and my children's. They are getting a top-notch education, though they have to work hard. I am in school finishing up a program I have really enjoyed that should help me get a job soon. I am about to race in my first half Ironman and and I am ready. My girls will soon dance in a wonderful performance, my boy played in a music recital, my other boy is hoping to get sponsored for his race season this year.

Then. I can't afford rent but I can't get a cheaper apartment because my financial situation is dire. I am in debt to my eyeballs from health insurance bills that xah refuses to pay. My ability to live in this country is threatened by the fact that I am being threatened with legal action if I don't come up with a huge sum to pay our bills. I was told I would be eligible for public assistance but I just received notice that I was rejected.

In a nut shell, I am financially drowning but mentally and physically stronger all the time. I look good right now and feel good. I feel like I just need time and it will come together. With time I will pass my exams and get a job. With more time I will make more money and my finances will improve.

I need faith. I just think if I were on the right path would I receive so much constant bad financial news? If God were on my side would I be sinking financially like this? Is God trying to tell me to pack up, give up, take my children back to the US where Xah is trying to force us to return? Have I been fighting against a current that is too strong for me?

I just need time and I can do this. But the debt collectors are knocking at my door and everyone wants to get paid today. I try to stay calm and confident but the lawyers today all yelled at me. Xah is not giving an inch. How can things be so good and so bad at the same time? I want to keep the lawyers, the bill collectors and xah out of my life so that I can stay focused, love my children and move forward with my wonderful life! I am scared, frantic, calm, happy, strong, confident and confused!

Hammer

Truth?

If you do not mind the comparison to Mexicans that come up to Texas . . . .

Watching some, along with various Asians I did school with -- including "boat people" level survivors from Cambodia . . . .

They all struggle at first, and learn the rope and move up . . . .

BUT . . . I have NEVER seen one do this . . . .

Never. EVER.

You follow?

MissFixit

What is your lawyer telling you? You have mentioned having previous lawyers disagree with you or you with them. What gives?

inpieces314

I struggle with God myself. Oh, what a loaded sentence.

I believe that God wouldn't give you something you can't handle, but at the same time, there are trials that a person must go through. This must be a big trial for you-depending on how you end up will determine your future. I also believe that there are signs, coincidences, intuition, etc. that will tell you what to do-you just have to listen. People ignore that little voice in their head all the time-why?! Someone (like your HP) is telling you something very important! Don't ignore it! So if you get a sick feeling like you REALLY don't want to move back to the US, do. not. do. it. It is a big place over here, so you could still stay away from him, but if you feel it is a bad idea (especially if you can't put your finger on exactly why), do. not. do. it. Things will work out as they should, as long as you make sure you take care of yourself and the kids. When God sees that you can handle this trial, it will be over, and you will be free.

Don't think I am a religious fanatic or anything, I am actually atheist, or I was, my whole life. This is all new to me (although I did always believe in listening to the voice in your head).

hopeful4

Ive no answers but send you a big hug. Good luck to you and your wonderful children!

XXX

ladyscribbler

I think you're right where you need to be. Your ex is too scary for me to think that letting him get his way on this is a good thing. Agree with Inpieces about the gut feeling thing. Stay strong Ironwoman.

Ever have one of those Magic 8 Balls? Shake it up and see your future.
Outlook Good.

LoveMeNow

I have always been confused how you were able to leave the country with your children. I have a friend who had to bring his children back to the state where his AW lives because she objected.....after the fact.

inpieces314

States are different. And a court is more willing to listen to a mother (AW) crying over how much she misses her kids than a father (AH), regardless of the actual circumstances. It's just harder for women to lose their kids, which is stupid, because women can be just as bad as men.

redatlanta

I am really sorry this situation continues for you. I hope that the divorce will finish up soon.

I don't believe that God "does" things to us. I believe that we all have free will to live our lives with guidance from the man above. Whether we make the right choice is up to us.

I do believe that living in another country has most likely been detrimental to your divorce case. If you were here moving forward with it would be faster and less expensive. In the case of your AH refusing to pay the medical bills - has he been directed by the Court to do so? If so why hasn't there been an emergency hearing enforcing that?

Why are your attorneys yelling at you? Since this started it seems that you have had a very contentious relationship with your attorneys. This is odd to me. Why is that?

I guess you need to really look at what will happen to you if you choose to stay where you are. Is there a possibility that by the time you divorce AH will have run through or hidden monies? Is there a possibility that the Courts will force you to move back? How much longer will this take and how much more debt will you incur? Can you get enough money out of AH to pay these bills in the divorce and if you do will you still have sufficient monies to live on?

My first career was in the legal field. There was many a divorce I watched where a spouse (sorry guys, usually the husband) strangled the wife financially to the point that she caved in . It is a common maneuver in divorces. It is seldom that a spouse is put in jail for contempt for not paying because the Courts will give that spouse several chances to make good on what is due. If they are put in jail it is for a very short time. A day, maybe 3 at most. Our jails are overcrowded. If the spouse who is in contempt is also the breadwinner the Courts view that their income is needed. Of course I have seen Judges rip a spouse a new one when they refuse to cooperate but its not expedient. Your husband is most likely being advised by an attorney who is telling him exactly how long he can push the envelope. In the meantime they hope you will cave.

Only you know whether or not staying is the right decision. I am sorry for what you have been through and continue to go through.

dandylion

Pippi---I understand that he has rich and powerful contacts and friends. Like all narcissists, his public image is very important to him. He might have convinced others that you are a Bi*ch without substance or merit--and, people will buy that--because they do not know the facts to the contrary. HOWEVER, most all people do not agree with not providing basic needs for their children.

In my devious mind that was schooled in the practicallity of "western justice" while growing up in the backwoods of West Virginia---I can tell you what I might do---I would "educate" his cronie contacts. Like, maybe sending copies of all of the bills to everyone that you can possibly think of. Social media might be a way to fight him back. This all requires careful and creative thought, of course......But, do you get my drift...????

dandylion

MissFixit

While I understand the desire to do this, the flipside is that one might come across as unhinged. Look really crazy and that backfires socially and could in court. His lawyers might tell the court that she is campaigning against him, alienating him from kids, etc...

Is your lawyer telling you something you don't want to hear and you are trying to figure out a way around that?

Would working in a service position (waiting tables, hostessing, housekeeping, etc...) help with bills in the short term? It doesn't have to be forever, but will show the court you are willing do anything needed to save yourself and your kids. Once the other position comes through you can dump the service job for the better paying one.

LifeRecovery

Pippi-

I can't answer the question you ask, but I think your healing is showing just in the fact that you are asking it.

I am amazed at all that you do and are working toward.

It feels really busy to me, just reading it. It feels like there is a lot of doing, and not a lot of time of just "being" and at least when I was where you were at a lot of being/feeling needed to happen to help me make any decisions. In the big picture to move forward with my life I needed this (still working on it).

For me only finances, worries about money (or anything else I thought was tangible) was a way to help distract myself from the emotions underneath. I don't know if you are doing that or not, but I would need to get to those before I could have a chance of making a decision.

Florence

Lately I think, we're all going to die, do whatever you want. This is it, you know? Stay there, go home, fight or don't fight. But your life is a reflection of your values -- what do you value? Either way, whatever. What does it all mean? We're all going to die eventually. Do whatever you want.

How old are your kids again? Maybe move back to the states for the next 5-6 years and go back when they are older/mostly out of the house and you are 100% independent and things are less contentious with your ex. Maybe your path is that you needed your poustinia overseas, and will come back to the states a stronger, more spiritually sound person and close out this divorce with a bang. Your kids have had this wonderful experience and be richer for it whether you stay or go. If you get booted from this country because you can't pay the bills, oh well. It was fun while it lasted, yes?

If finances are dire and have been dire and will be dire and your ex has been and always will be a jerk, maybe it's just time to accept this as the "tax" for raising your kids overseas. It is what it is. He sucks, you're broke, but everything is basically fine.

It's harsh but as I've said since you started posting here, my personal experience is that I will not have emotional freedom without financial freedom. You want to stop worrying about this? Stop depending on him for money. Period. Whatever it takes. You can go anywhere and do anything, but not if you need him to let you.

unsureoffuture

That must be such a struggle for you. Hang in there. Things always have a way of working themselves out. Focus on the important things....you and your children and your happiness.

Remember the slogan "first things first" so you dont get opverwhelmed with the debt. Try to focus on there here and now and not on the "what ifs". Pay what needs to be paid to keep a roof over your head and the rest can come later.

Your strength will see this through. Give it all to your HP and let him guide you on this path. Best of luck in your ironman!!! You are a great role model for your kids!!

marie1960

Money is your husband's mechanism for control.

You already know this.

The ball is really in your court.

You decide.

Training for a marathon is tough, congrats to you for your determination.

If you can apply the same principles of training to your current financial situation, I am certain you can succeed.

Training is work, you have to get up and do it everyday, thinking you are on to something........

peaceofpi

Do you need or have a work permit in your country in order to work in service or other positions to be able to pay your bills and start paying back what you owe?

It helped in my divorce to tally up my finances, debts, and income, and to assume AXH was never going to pay me a dime, ever. Then job number one (besides taking care of DS) was to pay debts, cut expenses, and make money. Kind of like a triathlon of work, work, work. Not relying on anyone else (other than God) gives me freedom from frustration when AXH refuses to reimburse thousands in medical bills, etc. It was highly predictable that an NPD alcoholic wouldn't pay for his son's care.

I have a friend who divorced a wealthy world-class NPD. A decade after their divorce they were still locked in an expensive battle on a business dispute. It was 10 years of frustration and drama and anxiety as he hid assets and income. It drained her time, mental energy, and finances. Like a codie looking for bottles, she'd look for the money he was hiding. I asked her: Wouldn't you be happier and better off if you ended this and settled - for whatever - and walked away? You'll always be unhappy if you expect justice. He will always hide stuff from you and have stuff that is rightfully yours. Is your time and mental energy of dealing with this NPD worth whatever you expect to get?

Gavin de Becker's excellent book, Gift of Fear, distinguishes between "justice" and "safety" (and I extrapolate that also to include "our own mental health"). He gives the example of a man stealing your purse and running zig zag through traffic. Safety requires that you give up the chase: "It is unfair that he gets away unpunished, but it is more important that you come away unhurt." The Upper Hand: What About a Women’s Shelter or Safe House?

PS - good luck on the Ironman.

Florence

I love this.

wanttobehealthy

Pippi,
I can relate to much of your struggle and story and your ex and mine sound very similar...

Is it possible for you to come back here briefly, spend time to get the divorce over, get a child support order that he can't refuse to pay and if he does, get his salary attached to it and THEN go back overseas?

I know the idea of up and leaving your established home and having the kids adjust to a move is crummy... And I envy your ability to be geographically away from your ex...

But... if you've tried all you can and there is no solution there financially for you, it might be time to consider that you may have to come back here...

lillamy

I think Florence and I must be in similar places in our lives, because that's sort of my MO these days as well.

It's f***ing DIFFICULT to make decisions. If it were only YOU, it would be one thing, but when the decisions affect your children, it's a different ball game.

I chose to uproot my kids from the only place they've ever known as home. From their schools, friends, surroundings. A year later, they still don't feel at home where we are. They're still struggling. But, their therapists assure me, they're struggling less than they would be if we had stayed.

I am a worrier. I worry about whether I made the right decision. I would like to read the last chapter and see how it ends. But we don't get to do that. And that's the hard part. We have to make difficult, life-altering decisions without knowing whether it's the right or the wrong thing we're choosing. It's crazy-making. But I think all you can do is make a decision and go with it. It's like a triathlon, really. You decide to pass the other biker on that hill from hell with the wind pounding down on your face -- once you start, you just go. Trust that your decision to pass will be enough to pull you through. Even if your legs feel like cement.

I don't know what's right for you. It sounds pretty clear to me that you have no interest in returning to the U.S. If you really feel staying and fighting the financial mayhem is the right thing to do, then stay and fight with all you've got.

inpieces314

I think the financial issues will follow no matter where you go. Money makes the world go round, after all. But you do need a way to get rid of the financial tie to him, and he can't hold that over your head.