FireSprite

I thought about this post a lot last night because this question comes up on the board so often and it's almost impossible to answer IMO - mostly because I think there is a big chasm between those that are posing the query & often new to the board, are just beginning to educate themselves about addiction & codependency, and those answering that have been around the block a bit more & have had the blinders off for some time.

I have decided that, for me, yes, there is always Hope.

In every situation in life I believe there is always Hope regardless of the current circumstances. I believe that because I believe in Free Will and that therefore every single person has the ability to awaken to whatever their dysfunction is & overcome it if they choose.

But Hope isn't an action. It doesn't create change. Hope doesn't pay the bills, put food on the table, protect us from abuse, manipulation or deceit; Hope doesn't do the Work Toward A Healthy Recovery.

Sometimes having too much Hope creates tunnel vision allowing us to become more active participants in the addict-codie dance & lets us dig ourselves a rut of complacency.

After time, Hope can be depleted when it is never met, exhausted & beaten into submission by Bitterness & Resentment. Hope can't exist on it's own - you have hope toward an expectation but without that goal in mind there is literally no need for hope in the first place, right?

Once that big bad "E" word (Expectations) enters the picture we have to ask ourselves if we're being realistic about them. Are we trying to buy bread in the hardware store here? 'Cuz if so, all the Hope in the world isn't going to meet that Expectation.

So while I acknowledge that I have Hope, I no longer allow it to rule in my decison making. Just my $.02.

m1k3

Read these threads and then ask yourself is this the life you want?

Part 1:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html

Part 2:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-2-a.html

Part 3:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-3-a.html

Wow, didn't realize we were up to a part 3.

Your friend,

lillamy

Firesprite, that was awesome. Just awesome. Thank you.

AnvilheadII

here's the really scary bit for every recovering addict or alcoholic....they remain exactly ONE bad decision away from relapse. it takes a lot of effort and daily diligence or things can start sliding down the ole slippery slope. and once that happens momentum takes over.

I will no longer be giving rides, picking him up from the bar, or being home when he's drinking, including turning my phone off while I'm away (already confronted him on this) because it's not fair to me and I realize that o don't have to be in the middle of these things. We don't drink together, nor do I go to the bar with him to hang out, but I can't help but feel like it's a part time relationship because of this.

doesn't sound like there is much time left after all of the above have been taken into account. it might be part time but i'm pretty sure it fails to meet the most minimum requirements of a RELATIONSHIP.

Firefall

Mel... Living in the past good times prevents you from living now. I was 48 when my mom who was an rx drug addict and alcoholic until the day she died months after I had the following talk with her -
Mom: no I didn't love you, still don't.

Me: why, what was wrong with me?

Mom: Nothing, you were cute, bubbly, well behaved, everyone loved you. You didn't deserve what I did to you, you deserved a good home, a good mom, just not me.
I am sorry, it wasn't your fault, but I don't love you now either. Anything else you want to know?

Me: No

Mom: ok, bye.

48 years old before I realized that the chemicals she put in her body robbed me of a mother.
The time I took from my husband, daughter, friends to help my mother are my biggest regret.

My qualifier to Al Anon is my mom and my sister (who lives with me). She is 5 years sober, 3 years in AA, while my life is on the upswing because of SR and Al Anon, the relationship I envisioned with my sister will probably never be because she has and will have a battle that only she can fight each and every day. She will never feel equal to her non addict/alcoholic sister (me), she may never believe that I can love her and accept her into the safety of my home as long as she is sober. She wakes up with the stress of wondering if she really belongs everyday. For a time, she despised my normalcy, now she tells me she fights resentment as her AA journey helps her move forward.

That is with my sister! Can you imagine the struggle in a relationship with an SO? Will it ever be enough for a real partnership relationship? Yes, I love my sister and I am here at SR so that I can love her, but emotionally detach so that I am healthy.

I am sorry if my words seem strong, but facing reality is the first step in overcoming and healing. Hope you are able to take something from this.

Hawkeye13

I had that exact same conversation with my mother too Firefall, through her actions and treatment of me,

and no words could ever say or unsay it.

Your post really struck a chord, my dear sister

Amazing what we can come back from, isn't it?

That's also an example of hope.

Firefall

You are exactly right about that HAWKEYE13. The healing is something we are able and I believe commissioned to pass on.

mel1479

Update:
This has been weighing on me so heavily for a few days now and I'm glad to say I've taken steps.
I'm planning on attending my first alanon meeting tomorrow, as well as found another for Friday. I solidified my decision with him to not come home when he drinks and when I did that he wasn't very fond of the idea. I stuck with it and it sent him into an hour of thinking to himself. He told me that it isn't worth losing me over and that he'll have to quit altogether. I have no expectations. I have no guilt of how the outcome will be. I feel as though by informing myself about alcoholism and how to properly deal with his issues I am being a good girlfriend. If he wants to keep drinking then that's fine too but it will be on his time, by himself, and I'll STILL have support on how to pick up the pieces.
I have never told him not to drink, or tried to control him, he knows that his decisions are his own and that they now (and finally ) have consequences.
At first I thought he was a social drinker. No biggie.
Then I realized it was too often.
Now he only drinks twice a week and the outcome is a gamble.
I'm realizing the outcome will be progressively worse so I'm trying to take action now while I am aware. No, I don't deal with violence, hiding alcohol within the house, or the police, but who's to say it won't happen? I am lucky it's not "worse" right now in terms of behavior, but I'll be ready to walk away before it grows into a monster I can't walk away from should it come to that.

Firefall

Good going Mel. Taking care of yourself will enable you to make the right choices for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.