formyboys

The ripple effect of alcoholism, and all that that entails, ...that only we, who have dealt with and lived it, know. Im just over it.

Oh how I wish I could go back 21 years, to June of 1993 and just not leave my house.

HopefulinFLA

Yup, I get it. Some days I really wish I'd said NO to the friend who set us up. Perhaps my HP had some grand plan for me?

Pia

You aren't kidding. I get it but if I hadn't experienced this I would be telling a friend going through this "whats the big deal" yikes!!!! that's a scary thought.

LivingLife4Me

well I wouldn't have my kids if I hadn't suggested for us to meet at a Brewhouse on October 20, 1995. I wasn't a huge drinker and loved the nachos there...I wasn't even thinking about the booze. He was probably pretty dang excited about the beer, but hid it well. I didn't know then and didn't know for a long time that he had already been drinking at a buddy's house all day and that date just topped him off.

Sue

PippiLngstockng

My children were talking this evening, saying how they were never going to get married, never going have a lot of children, never going to hook up with someone - like their father.

He is doing a real number on all of us right now.

I wish I could undo it, too, except that I have my four wonderful children who bless my life.

dbasedog

Too bad we can't go back. I saw red flags. I love him but he would rather hang out with people his age (50+) that have no drivers license, car, and drink every day. For some reason I can't compete with that. I suppose going to work, enjoying time together, and working on a life together was just not "fun" enough.

PippiLngstockng

My wedding day was horrible. But the births of each of my four children were gorgeous.

I imagine sometimes we get more information from a situation than we realize at the time. Looking back, the red flags or the blessings of a situation seem so obvious.

Now, if I could only look at today's situation and read the signs to know if I am on the right track.

Hammer

To me that sounds just about like Step 11.

====================

Back towards everyone's Do Over List(s).

While taking daughter -- now 12 -- to the Ice Theater this weekend . . . she says (talking about boys/dates of the future) . . . . Dad, I am going to get them to drink 1 beer or drink. And only 1. If they will not drink 1, there MAY be a problem. If they cannot drink JUST 1, there IS a problem.

formyboys

The guilt I have for what this has done to my boys is the most unbearable part. My oldest wont even mention his name, wont ever talk about or even participate in a conversation regarding him. My youngest, ours together, has zero self confidence. Cant make or keep friends and is so needy it is embarrassing at times. He tells me all the time if I ever date again he will have to approve of him because my bar was set so low with his dad...how horrible to think that way of your own father. And of your mother for that matter. I am scared to death how this is going to effect him as an adult.

inpieces314

Hopefully he will learn as a result of his own childhood to treat his wife with the utmost respect and dignity that she deserves. And hopefully the wife is lucky enough to know it when she sees it, and reciprocates.

There is a cycle of abuse, alcoholism, horrible parenting (whatever you want to call it, there are many issues that occur as a result of alcoholic families) but it only takes one to break the cycle.

I know I plan on raising my kids to be a better father than theirs ever was-whether it was because of the alcohol or not (which I tend to believe it was), they were affected. And I will make sure they break that cycle.

peaceofpi

I also want to break the cycle of alcoholism. It runs through at least three generations of AXH's family - alcoholic grandfather (who abused AXH's mother as a child); alcoholic mother; and AXH.

Post-divorce, and working my recovery, I am not anxious and am a better parent. Unfortunately, I now see DS half as much. And DS spends so much time - alone - with the alcoholic parent. DS's academic performance has suffered. He's had some serious problems during the past year and a half from being alone with a mentally ill drunk.

It is unbelievable that courts and legislatures know about the cycle of abuse and alcoholism but blithely skirt it in the name of "a child needs both parents" or whatever feel-good crap they've swallowed. I'm not going to stand by while my child gets sucked into the cycle.

I know I can't control DS's life circumstances, but I can certainly call out legislators on their idiotic cycle-continuing laws.

lillamy

Oh I hear you loud and clear.
I just witnessed DD go on a rant on FB about drugs and addiction and saying "I don't need to do drugs or drink in order to know the hell they can cause. I never want to risk treating anyone the way my father abused me and my siblings. You want to 'experiment with drugs for recreation'? Be my guest. But don't come crying to me when you're in jail or have lost all your friends and family because you didn't realize you were one of the poor bastards who has a latent genetic potential for addiction. And for f**k's sake don't call me ignorant and tell me my opinion doesn't count because I've never done drugs. If you've never been beaten by an alcoholic parent maybe your opinion shouldn't count either?"

and in the middle of all that pain (FB is the only place she ever discusses her father) is a fiercely stubborn survivor instinct. And when my heart breaks for all the garbage my kids are dealing with because of AXH's addiction and my poor choices, I try to remember that. That they also got an instinct for surviving and a solid hatred of drugs and alcohol.

unsureoffuture

I know how you feel. I have said that same thing before,...... if only I could do it all over again.

What helps me is to think that everyone is fighting some sort of battle,for me this is mine. I have a friend who's 3 year-old son is battling terminal brain cancer and a brother in law who just lost his wife to cancer and is now a widow, a neighbor who's husband has aged and is now feeling the stress of caring for him.

It helps to realize I am not alone in my struggles with pain and difficult times. We are all battling something at some point in our lives and this path was given to us for a reason. Hang in there, you are not alone.

inpieces314

I think when we go through bad times we think we are the only ones...terminally unique. But that is not so, everyone suffers, everyone has to pay the price for something at one point or another. And especially here, when you think you have no one to talk to because no one understands you in the real world, there is support.

wanttobehealthy

I cant and wont pretend to take credit for this below... Someone a lot more grounded than me who had a HORRIFIC childhood with an A mom, shared this with me today after returning from a holistic healing conference that she presented at (she runs her own company and is the healthiest woman I know on all levels and is amazingly successful)... Anyway, I was crying last night to her worrying that I have ruined my kids lives and she shared this...

This is just a part of what she sent me but it helped me today when I was feeling much the same as you for my boys....

".... Im noticing the strongest most empathetic people of the world are often those who themselves have suffered trauma or hardship, often severe. I would never wish that on my children but having grown up with it myself it certainly taught me a tremendous appreciation for how good life could be once I was removed from it... I wonder had I had a much easier childhood if I would have been drawn to ___________ (her career) and whether I would be as inspired to make as much a difference in childrens lives as I do. I know it does not make the journey through it any easier, but there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel... Namaste..."
...

inpieces314

I agree with WTBH. Someone I know had something horrible happen to him. It had nothing to do with alcohol. But I will say it anyway, because he does give me inspiration.

He had a wife and two kids. The house was on fire one night, so he carried the wife outside, and went back inside to get the kids when the windows exploded on him. Both kids died. He was in a coma for 8 months, and when he woke up, his wife divorced him because she was angry that he saved her and not the kids. Looking at him, you could never ever tell. I actually didn't know until a few weeks ago after pouring out all of my own misery. He is the most upbeat person I have ever met, especially someone who faced all that hardship.

I think you don't really know the blessings that life can give you without having the suffering as well. So dealing with all this, there is always a bright side, and it could always be worse. That's how I look at it, at least, there is always someone worse off than I am, and I should be grateful for what I do have. Of course, some days, nearly all of them these days, I don't believe it, but some days, I do.

wanttobehealthy

I just wanted to add that while I passed on the positive message and all, I totally, completely, utterly get that worry about your kids and the harm done to them and the wishing that you'd made different choices. I think about that constantly in my own mind and it's an internal battle I will probably always fight...

I didn't want to minimize your sadness and longing for things to be different... I completely get it... I feel the same.

Blossom717

I always think about that. How I could have just said no to that first date. no to moving in way too soon (due to other circumstances), I've even wondered if maybe it would have turned out better if I had just left him when I found out i was pregnant, and never telling him, raising the child on my own.

But.....I didn't. Good thing we can learn from our mistakes. One day I will not be so tired, I will have enough in me to say "no more!" and walk away. One day.

Good luck.

HopefulinFLA

Hammer that's one smart kid you've got there! Whatever you're doing, keep it up because you're do.ing something right

AnvilheadII

reading this thread, at 54, makes me wish so much my own mom had cared enough to worry how things would affect me. to consider for a moment how i was being impacted. either in my growing up years or much later in the last days/weeks of her own life (liver disease). from where i sit i don't think it ever crossed her mind to consider how her actions, choices and behaviors affected me and i don't think i can just blame the alcohol for that mindset.

so for every mom (and dad) on this board who frets and worries and cries themselves to sleep worrying about the emotional health and well being of their children now and in the future, GOD BLESS YOU.