horsegirl

Thanks so much . This is the worst , I do in some way totally believe he does not love himself. Of course , I think well thats crazy thinking , I have shown him over and over again how much I love him. I guess I will never know the truth , I just need to accept that it is what it is and try to move on. Easy to write , much harder to beleive or move on to that thinking.

dandylion

horsegirl....first off, I want to give you credit for being one "tough cookie". Even though you are still having the normal grief pains....you are struggling so hard to do the right thing!!!!!!!! Deep inside, a part of you must want to rid yourself of this suffering so bad.

I can remember, when I was about as far along as you are now, after a devastating break-up...I can remember lying on the bed, in fetal position, crying and listening to the words, sung by Linda Rhondstat: "I Haven't Got Time For The Pain". I think that it was right at that time that I "turned the corner"---I had been focused so much on missing him...and it then occured to me (for the first time) that I had to focus o n doing everything I could do to put this horrible suffering BEHIND me. I started to get better--with ups and downs, to be sure....but 3 months later I met the man that would become my future husband---and the best person to ever be in my life (in addition to my dear grandmother).

Hon...I think you are in that difficult middle period of your journey. You are tired and weary and you want to see the blue skies, again. Of course, you do. Have FAITH that you will....as long as you don't give up on yourself. Take a look---you have already swum half way across the river.....don't turn back now!

To answer your question--YES, it is normal to go back and forth with your emotions. Sometimes grief feels like a virtual kleidescope of emotions. And, you wonder if your feet will ever touch solid ground.

I predict that by the time the squirrels are gathering their nuts for the winter, you will be astonished at how much better your life looks, compared till now.

****I am hoping that the Great Hammer is reading this and comes up with a good picture of a squirrel!****

What I am saying is: You are fighting the good fight....just hang on!

dandylion

P.S. You must really have a smart counselor.....

SparkleKitty

As someone who spent the first thirty-plus years of her life unable to love herself, I can tell you that all of the love in the world from other people could not make up for that lack within me. It was only when I let go of everything I thought I understood about myself, when I stopped running from relationship to relationship seeking that unreachable "enough" to fill that void, and committed to being alone until I built a better relationship with myself -- only then was I open to being loved by others, and giving love in return.

Please don't fault yourself for not being enough. Again, gently, it is not about you and what you have to give. This is his battle to fight, if he chooses to.

horsegirl

Thanks so much dandylion , you always hit it on the head (pun intended ) I like how you tell me when I am being rediculous but in the next breath you encourage me. .
I'm keeping the good fight , its tough holy. I guess sometimes saying nothing is saying a lot, thats my moto going forward. Even though I am not talking with him I am communicating way more with my silence.

horsegirl

I so want him to choose to fight this battle , no matter what he has done or how he has acted towards me , I care about him , and want him to be at peace with himself. Now is my time,though , my time to get that peace for myself , I cannot make it happen for him , only I can take care of my side of the street. No more cleaning up his garbage, I will tell myself this over and over if I have to. You all are the BEST!!!

dandylion

horsegirl....We all "Get By with A Little Help From Our Friends"....don't we ?

That is a saying from an old sensitivity poster....

dandylion

HealingWillCome

I think all of us here have been there. My quest was partly selfish. I was trying to find my own peace and healing through him. You know, if he was healed then I would be too. It's a painful journey to find out the real healing has to come from within. BUT in the end, the journey is the reward.

horsegirl

UGH!!!! I had a slip.. was looking at the last text he sent and sent him a blank text. He immediately texts back hi. I waited a while and in my fear I texted back hi to you too. He asked if I texted on purpose or not and I asked which he would prefer. His come back was, well August 19 is the three months you asked for or we could discuss the text over coffee? I agreed , we are meeting for coffee on Sat eve . Now what? It felt so good to hear from him and reaffirmed that I do still love him. My anxiety level is way up , I haven't felt the anxiety since I went no contact just extreme sadness . Not sure what I am expecting. I am going with no expectations I guess that is the o my thing I have.. I am torn between made a big mistake and I really want to see him. Terrified that he will be the same and not have worked on himself at all. Help......

dandylion

horsegirl....one thing that sometimes helps is to schedule an extra session (or phone call) to your therapist--preferably right after the meeting...but I doubt that your therapist will be working on Saturday night! One on Sat morning or Friday evening might work?

Try not to future trip on it...because that is of no value. Trust yourself to handle it as it unfolds. You will probably have a basketful of mixed emotions after the meeting--if you are like most people in your situation....

Nevertheless, you are going to be fine....you have shown a desire to consider your own welfare--and that is verrrry important.

dandylion

horsegirl

Dandelion, I wish you were someone that I have had as a friend my whole life. I'm fifty and keep thinking what the heck will I ever get it together? Of course I am wondering what will go down. I guess I just have to see , no future tripping you are right. I am feeling some relief , almost like this will be my final decision, It will depend on how Sat eve goes. Then I get mad at myself , how many times must I go through this before I figure it out with him. My codependency reared its ugly head today or did it? Maybe I just want to see the man I love. I will go into this as you said, knowing that I am going to take care of me during the meeting. Heck I've given him up once , I can do it again. My fear, I will start back at day one of the grieving process.

dandylion

horsegirl.....even if you do trigger some feelings---it won't be the same as going back to square one because you have already done so much psychological ground work. You would recuperate very quickly!! Like a horsewoman falling off a horse...and getting right back on!!

dandylion

p.s. 50 is still young! Some people neeever get it together...how sad is that?

horsegirl

Good not ing all, well we met last night , 1 hour turned into four, he said some things I have never heard him say, about blaming me , takin his life our on me etc... I told him that I needed to see action as well. I thanked him for the words and told him some basic needs I Have. Now I wait to see action. I was surprisingly calm and am ok if he is not able to show active changes. I am getting healthier , I can tell. I hAve great worth and told him so. I also told him that I am not going to waste anther year or even six months for him to show changes . Clearly the love is not gone for either of us . Today , I will live in th moment and let God guide me in my decisions just for today. Love you all

dandylion

WOW horsegirl!! Good show. I'm verry impressed with how you took care of yourself.

sometimes.....at the first meeting, people collapse into a puddle of emotions....
The work you have been doing really shows.

I am so proud of you that I think I will do a little dance this morning!!

dandylion

horsegirl

Good day everyone. Thought I would give you all an update. Things seem to be going well with ex, we are taking it slow. Ex has listened to my needs and is really making an effort , I actually see actions . For now , we are staying in our own separate homes as we have lots of things to work on. I am continuing alanon and plan to for the rest of my life. I am continuing therapy for now as well. The anxiety when I see him is lessening, I have figured out it is a trust issue, wow, I guess since he never cheated I assumed I trusted him. That discovery is big for me , now I have a concrete issue to work out. Many thanks to you as always! Prayers and hugs too.