3 month challenge
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Originally Posted by Chickadees 
Hi Horsegirl... I can personally attest to what the wise folks here have said...it does get easier. You mentioned in your post that you feel as though you're addicted to him and I remembered this old post that helped me understand my own addiction to an addict.
In case you haven't come across it before, here it is http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html
Take good care,
Chick
In case you haven't come across it before, here it is http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chick-en.html
Take good care,
Chick
oh boy ... That makes total sense to me .. xbf food was affection, both emotional and physical.
Thanks so much!
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I've been where you are and know how hard it is. I urge you to try Alanon, which saved my life and sanity, it showed me how to let go. The support from people who have been where you are is incredible. Get out of the house too, see other people. Staying alone with your mind and thoughts is counter-productive. You can do this!
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Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
I've been where you are and know how hard it is. I urge you to try Alanon, which saved my life and sanity, it showed me how to let go. The support from people who have been where you are is incredible. Get out of the house too, see other people. Staying alone with your mind and thoughts is counter-productive. You can do this!
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Today is exectly 1 month no contact .. wow ups and downs in this month , really missing him , but seeing a counselor and I have a great sponsor as well as good supportive friends. I wonder when the missing will start to fade , its so hard, I still have that stupid hope we can be together. I am staying strong , not calling or texting. trying not to think about what I am going to do when I hit the three month mark ( I told xbf no contact for three months and that I would contact him after that) . I feel like I am denying myself something I really want. I wrote him a letter last night , I will not send it , but it did make me feel better. trying to work on step four in alanon, I have a hard time thinking about resentments, almost like I have none , thats crazy everyone does right? I can name all the people I have hurt easily , but naming people I have resentments towards is a block for me. I am OK , today 
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horsegirl--I know that you want the pain and your grief to be over...of course..LOL. We all want to be away from pain.
Alas, due to the nature of the bonding process...as Nature has arranged it for us humans...the bonds are not so easy to eradicate. Even in toxic relationships...the process seems to be the same!!
You are doing all the "right" things and you should absolutely continue to do so.....but, PLEASE give yourself more time. It will take the time it takes. No contact does speed up the process because you don't have to go back to square one every time you reach out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every month with no contact--you will be able to look back and admire the progress you have made.
One day, down the road......the bird will fly free.....
I promise.
dandylion
Alas, due to the nature of the bonding process...as Nature has arranged it for us humans...the bonds are not so easy to eradicate. Even in toxic relationships...the process seems to be the same!!
You are doing all the "right" things and you should absolutely continue to do so.....but, PLEASE give yourself more time. It will take the time it takes. No contact does speed up the process because you don't have to go back to square one every time you reach out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Every month with no contact--you will be able to look back and admire the progress you have made.
One day, down the road......the bird will fly free.....
I promise.
dandylion
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One month of no contact and totally focusing on yourself to get healthy is a hugh accomplishment and you should feel proud of yourself!!
Recovery isn't a destination it's a journey, a life long journey. Please don't focus on this 3 month mark of no contact you have set. You are working hard on yourself and the odds are probably he is not. You are growing, he's probably not.
And the truth is, it's ok to miss people we no longer can have in our lives. Often it's the good parts we miss most. Our grief tells us things were not really all that bad, it's how to minimize our pain and keep us from accepting what we are just not quite ready to accept yet.
Please trust that you are exactly where you are suppose to be and each day you are becoming healthier.
Recovery isn't a destination it's a journey, a life long journey. Please don't focus on this 3 month mark of no contact you have set. You are working hard on yourself and the odds are probably he is not. You are growing, he's probably not.
And the truth is, it's ok to miss people we no longer can have in our lives. Often it's the good parts we miss most. Our grief tells us things were not really all that bad, it's how to minimize our pain and keep us from accepting what we are just not quite ready to accept yet.
Please trust that you are exactly where you are suppose to be and each day you are becoming healthier.
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Thank you all for the support and the amazing words of wisdom . I re read these all the time. I am on my 7th week of no contact. I am doing ok , just ok. Last night I really wanted to reach out to him , then thought oh I will call his sister (to whom I feel a connection) , but called a friend instead. I had promised him I would pay him back for a payment he made for me on his credit card. I am sending him money as I can. A week and 1/2 ago I sent him a check , no note just a check. Of course It messed me up for the whole week. Two days later he deleted his facebook page (ugh , facebook ) anyway, in my crazy mind I connected the two and the whole why , what does it mean ect.. started.
I have had to work on getting past that this week. Obviously, I am not ready to talk with him if this can send me in a spiral. He has not cashed the check yet .
I am praying
It does not matter , It does not matter. In essense , Still struggling , not everyday but still struggling.
I have had to work on getting past that this week. Obviously, I am not ready to talk with him if this can send me in a spiral. He has not cashed the check yet .
I am praying
It does not matter , It does not matter. In essense , Still struggling , not everyday but still struggling.
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horsegirl...
you are doing fantastic! Only those of us who have had to chew our own knuckles in order to not contact know how difficult this has been.
You are showing really good decision making when you are triggered, in my opinion. You have gone 150miles of hard road---the very hardest part. As you continue....it will get easier in increments...You may still get triggered , on occassion, but, still...overall...it gets easier the more time passes.
What are you doing to fill that "hole'?
dandylion
you are doing fantastic! Only those of us who have had to chew our own knuckles in order to not contact know how difficult this has been. You are showing really good decision making when you are triggered, in my opinion. You have gone 150miles of hard road---the very hardest part. As you continue....it will get easier in increments...You may still get triggered , on occassion, but, still...overall...it gets easier the more time passes.
What are you doing to fill that "hole'?
dandylion
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Thats the problem , I cannot figure out what th "hole" is .
Thanks for saying I have come a long way and am doing well. It is a struggle every day . Why do I still feel like I want to go back to him. I know I love him, but am so afraid he is moving on and has no feelings for me. this is what I need to accept. Worrying is getting me no where , I cannot control how he feels , and I have no idea really how he feels I never have , its always 10 years been that way , it feels like he has always been waivering or never really felt enough???
Thanks for saying I have come a long way and am doing well. It is a struggle every day . Why do I still feel like I want to go back to him. I know I love him, but am so afraid he is moving on and has no feelings for me. this is what I need to accept. Worrying is getting me no where , I cannot control how he feels , and I have no idea really how he feels I never have , its always 10 years been that way , it feels like he has always been waivering or never really felt enough???
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horsegirl, If I am not mistaken--this "3 month challenge" is a contract that you made with your counselor when she suggested that you go no contact as a way of breaking your co-dependent "cycle" with him--in order to "pull yourself together...??
Are you really clear on why you are doing this? Honestly. it doesn't really sound like you are........
Do you think that maybe you need to hash this out a bit more with her...since this is part of your therapy.....?
The "hole" that I mentioned was in reference to re-connecting to yourself as you are detaching from him. When you remove something as the center of your awareness--you need something to take it's place.....
You have been focused o n him for 10yrs.---that is not an easy habit to break overnight...
dandylion
Are you really clear on why you are doing this? Honestly. it doesn't really sound like you are........
Do you think that maybe you need to hash this out a bit more with her...since this is part of your therapy.....?
The "hole" that I mentioned was in reference to re-connecting to yourself as you are detaching from him. When you remove something as the center of your awareness--you need something to take it's place.....
You have been focused o n him for 10yrs.---that is not an easy habit to break overnight...
dandylion
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I agree , This three month challange thing is messing with my head . I am messing with my head, like after three months somehow things will be different and then I can contact him. I am still seeing my therapist , I also hae a big step four meeting with my sponsor on sunday , I am sure I will talk this out with them . I am decorating my new house , finding somefun things at junk sales and spra painting. I see my friends so much more and have very good support from them . I agree, I am concentrating on the no contact so hard , sometimes I forget it is for me, to move on and find peace. My mind is so stubborn. Thanks for the dose of reality , that seems to be lacking in my mind.
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horsegirl---I truly do believe that you are on the right track and are doing the right things.
I know that you wanted the pain over, yesterday. Who likes this kind of pain...no one!
This is short-term pain for long-term gain. Sadly, so many people suffer for years because they are too afraid to face the short-term pain.
But,....look at you! You hate it like he**, but you are facing the music. And, you are making progress....you really are.
As you get further along in therapy and your perspective begins to shift and your filter begins to change (and, it will).....you will probably look back and realize that what you called "love" was actually something different. Love doesn't hurt this much and love doesn't keep you from thriving.
Hang steady, girl.
dandylion
I know that you wanted the pain over, yesterday. Who likes this kind of pain...no one!
This is short-term pain for long-term gain. Sadly, so many people suffer for years because they are too afraid to face the short-term pain.
But,....look at you! You hate it like he**, but you are facing the music. And, you are making progress....you really are.
As you get further along in therapy and your perspective begins to shift and your filter begins to change (and, it will).....you will probably look back and realize that what you called "love" was actually something different. Love doesn't hurt this much and love doesn't keep you from thriving.
Hang steady, girl.
dandylion
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7/7/2014,
Hi all,
update , last week was pretty tough. I talked to my sponsor about him dropping from all social media. She said no more talking of social media , its a child game. She also said something that hit me super hard, "horsegirl, he is moving on" . WOW hit me like a ton of bricks, sadness and fear came and went for a few days. I think it was a true wake up call for me , as I am feeling some acceptance setting in. yipee! I still have a spark of hope that I think will never go away. Overall , I am much more peaceful and content in my head.
Hi all,
update , last week was pretty tough. I talked to my sponsor about him dropping from all social media. She said no more talking of social media , its a child game. She also said something that hit me super hard, "horsegirl, he is moving on" . WOW hit me like a ton of bricks, sadness and fear came and went for a few days. I think it was a true wake up call for me , as I am feeling some acceptance setting in. yipee! I still have a spark of hope that I think will never go away. Overall , I am much more peaceful and content in my head.
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Originally Posted by horsegirl
Hi all,
short version . Left my dry alcoholic 5 months ago. After 10 years of the codependent / alcoholic behavior dance we shared, I had to save myself.
Problem is I cannot let go, I am addicted to him ! We have this great new dance , I see him and am good for a day or so then the crazy sets in , fear , obsessing, uncontrolable crying, aniety ect.. until I have contact with him again. rinse and repeat. My therapist spent an hour yesterday telling me I need to go cold turkey in order to heal and stop the codependency cycle/addiction I have. I told her no way I could go NC , she asked if I could do it for a month , 3 months? I agreed I can do it for three months. I texted xbf and told him I loved him but I needed to have no contact for three months and I would contact him after that. xbf texted back "OK Then" , he was mad I think? then 15 min later texts I still love you too. I did not respond to either OMG that was so hard! So day 1 of the three month challenge, I need prayers and support. My fears today are he will not want me after three months, he will find someone new, he will fall out of love with me. Thanks for reading ...
short version . Left my dry alcoholic 5 months ago. After 10 years of the codependent / alcoholic behavior dance we shared, I had to save myself.
Problem is I cannot let go, I am addicted to him ! We have this great new dance , I see him and am good for a day or so then the crazy sets in , fear , obsessing, uncontrolable crying, aniety ect.. until I have contact with him again. rinse and repeat. My therapist spent an hour yesterday telling me I need to go cold turkey in order to heal and stop the codependency cycle/addiction I have. I told her no way I could go NC , she asked if I could do it for a month , 3 months? I agreed I can do it for three months. I texted xbf and told him I loved him but I needed to have no contact for three months and I would contact him after that. xbf texted back "OK Then" , he was mad I think? then 15 min later texts I still love you too. I did not respond to either OMG that was so hard! So day 1 of the three month challenge, I need prayers and support. My fears today are he will not want me after three months, he will find someone new, he will fall out of love with me. Thanks for reading ...
He's admitted he didn't want to be here but had no better soft landing at the time. I wish I'd had those 3 months you are having now to reflect, work myself out and move on. I wish I'd stepped back and looked at myself and realised he didn't love me. He doesn't love me and he never has. He's an addict and I was useful to him. End of. He came back for all the wrong reasons and I took him back for all the wrong reasons. I didn't love myself enough to say no to the cycle of abuse. It took him nearly dying of an alcohol related illness for me to see I don't want him in my life any more. Yes it's sad. Maybe inside him is a great bloke wanting to get out. I haven't seen it but maybe. I mourn the 18 years we were together but I will never let him back. I'd sooner go through the pain of us splitting up for a few months than the constant pain of the cycle of sober, drunk, lies, arguments, deceit, emotional abuse, anger, sadness and low self esteem I have had.
Enjoy the 3 months and look forward to life changing for the better. It's inconceivable to you now but you might find you don't need him in your life any more and other things have taken over and given you joy and peace.
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Another update and some words of wisdom needed...
Well My "acceptance" seems to have left me. Yesterday was a really tough day , crying journaling and basically anxiety ridden. Today I am just sad again , on the verge of tears but am so far holding them off. I had a weak moment and was going to contact my X but I messaged his sister (who is my friend) instead , telling her I really miss him and that the ball is in his court now (meaning , if he decides to really work on recovery instead of just not drinking I would be willing to talk) . Now i just feel stupid, I am going to hope she does not say anything to my X as I seem weak and I do not want him to know I am pinning over him. I am looking at quotes and found some good ones " better to have been the one who smiled than the one who didn't smile back" When people show you who they are believe them" but it does not seem to help. How do I get back to the acceptance stage? Is this normal going back and forth? I did actually find in my brain (finally) some hurtful things he has done and wrote them down. I re read them and it just hurts all the more. Maybe he isnt a dry drunk after all? Maybe he just didn't love me no matter what he said. maybe what I thought were signs of the dry drunk disease (blaming, emotionally unavailable , selfishness, angry all the time, never apologizing, no effort, I could go on...) is just signs that he does not love me ? ugh! when will this be over . Officially 58 day of NC !!!
Well My "acceptance" seems to have left me. Yesterday was a really tough day , crying journaling and basically anxiety ridden. Today I am just sad again , on the verge of tears but am so far holding them off. I had a weak moment and was going to contact my X but I messaged his sister (who is my friend) instead , telling her I really miss him and that the ball is in his court now (meaning , if he decides to really work on recovery instead of just not drinking I would be willing to talk) . Now i just feel stupid, I am going to hope she does not say anything to my X as I seem weak and I do not want him to know I am pinning over him. I am looking at quotes and found some good ones " better to have been the one who smiled than the one who didn't smile back" When people show you who they are believe them" but it does not seem to help. How do I get back to the acceptance stage? Is this normal going back and forth? I did actually find in my brain (finally) some hurtful things he has done and wrote them down. I re read them and it just hurts all the more. Maybe he isnt a dry drunk after all? Maybe he just didn't love me no matter what he said. maybe what I thought were signs of the dry drunk disease (blaming, emotionally unavailable , selfishness, angry all the time, never apologizing, no effort, I could go on...) is just signs that he does not love me ? ugh! when will this be over . Officially 58 day of NC !!!
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Originally Posted by horsegirl
maybe what I thought were signs of the dry drunk disease (blaming, emotionally unavailable , selfishness, angry all the time, never apologizing, no effort, I could go on...) is just signs that he does not love me ? ugh! when will this be over . Officially 58 day of NC !!!
This doesn't mean that he never felt anything for you or that you do not deserve to be loved. You deserve the very best love that is out there. It does not sound like he is in a position to give that to you now. You do not deserve to settle for less.
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