Buzzle

I'm new here, this is my first post and I really need help. My fiance has been sleeping lots and acting strange. I suspected he was drinking again and just now did a quick hunt. I found an empty bottle and 2 long neck bags in his car glove box, an empty can hidden behind the gas bottle in the BBQ and a flask of vodka in the garage on top of an old reptile enclosure. They are just the first places I looked and I'm scared to look more!

I know from experience that if/when I bring it up, he'll get very angry, defensive and just lie. What do I do? I've told him no more of the drinking and lying. I've told him I'll call it quits if he does it again, so what now? I don't actually want to leave!! I mean it's my house but I don't want him to leave.

Please help, how do I deal with this?

wanttobehealthy

It's hard when we tell A's that "once more and I am done" without being fully prepared to do it because it doesn't take long for them to realize that we aren't going to stick to our ultimatums and we will give endless chances.

It's hard when you love the person that they are when theyre not drinking or lying or the memory of who they were when you chose to be with them.

He is your fiancé now... how much harder will this be when he's your spouse, then father of children...

Maybe now is a time to take a break and see if he wants to get help before you commit to a life of this behavior with him.

Im sorry for what brings you here but am glad you are here.

Buzzle

I'm worried about asking him to leave as I was widowed at 24 when my daughter was 4 and I was pregnant with my second. After a couple of years I met this man and my girls, especially the one that can remember her bio dad loves him and is so happy to 'have a daddy again.' I don't want to take that away from her. She's already lost one dad

BlueSkies1

You're the real parent. You're the one she is looking to as a role model and to protect her.
I would bet and win on that your daughter would be more upset to have a mother that was an emotional mess than to lose this replacement dad.
I think you're more important.
I'm very confident that your daughter would agree with me.

The issue here is that you delivered an ultimatum that you weren't truly ready to act on.
It was calling his bluff, and then back peddling.
You have to get to that place where you mean what you say, and say what you mean.
Don't feel badly, we've all done it, or we wouldn't be here.

wanttobehealthy

I understand... That sounds really hard...

Just something to consider... if he is an alcoholic, is hiding alcohol and lying to you about it, this is a PROGRESSIVE disease... He will get worse and your children growing up with alcoholism in the home, no matter how well you think you can shelter them from it, WILL be impacted.

I didn't want to take my kids away from the chance to have a happy family and in tact family so I stayed and went back many times even after I left.

What I did to my kids was harmful to them ultimately but I didn't and couldn't see that at the time

doggonecarl

She may lose this one to alcohol if he doesn't decide to quit drinking.

You have your girls' welfare to look out for. Is growing up in an alcoholic household the best thing for your girls? Tough choices and I'm sorry you have to make them.

peaceofpi

Is he the kind of man you'd want to adopt and help raise your daughter?

Charmed3

Buzzle, I too am sorry for what brings you here.

I think many of us, including me have told them the no my drinking and no more lying or we are done! I said it many times and yet it isn't what I really wanted, I wanted him to quit drinking and lying.

But those two go hand in hand and alcoholics have no concern as to what you want or need in the relationship for it to remain intact.

It took me a very long time to realize that he would promise no more when things got really bad and I would grab on to whatever he told me, hang on for dear life because I so wanted to believe that I meant enough to him that this time - he really meant it. But in the end, he is an alcoholic, his promises were no good and he can not be trusted.

My threats of leaving at first would scare him and then they became just that - threats because he knew the codie in me did not want to leave. I left him 3 times, the last one for good and yet even when I left the last time, he still thought he could charm me in to coming back by going to yet another rehab and promising me and God he was done and his priorities were sobriety and then me.

When he realized this last time I meant it, he went to rehab and tried that route with promises again. The day he got out, he shed a few tears and begged me to return. I was hopeful that he finally hit bottom but when I said I need my space and I need you to PROVE yourself through your actions, I need to see at least one year of you working a program and sobriety - it took him all of 10 days to return to his former self.

If you don't really want him to leave then don't try to use that as a means to get him to stop. If it works it will only be temporary and you will be the one that is hurt in the end.

hopeful4

Hello and welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here but glad you are here. Only you can really decide what is next. Obviously you have made an ultimatium you don't plan to stick to. I understand, I did the same thing for years. My X was floored when I actually kicked him out and am divorcing him. I had bluffed my way through for years to no avail. Then I got help. I went to therapy, used the tools and support system from Celebrate Recovery, worked on me. I was able to build myself to a place to take a look at my situation and see that it won't ever change, so what do I want to do about it.

It's baby steps, it really is. You cannot make him stop drinking. Only he can decide that. O it may work for a couple of weeks, but to truly recover for the long term, he has to want it so badly that he works recovery. It's hard work and a big commitment.

I hope you get the help you deserve to be able to make good, strong decisions for you.
What boundaries can you set up for yourself that you can stick to? For example, when I stopped covering for my X and stopped lying about his addiction, it opened up a whole support system for me. I felt free. No more hiding and covering up. That is an example of a boundary. Those are for you, not him.

I caution you. Making ultimatiums to an alcoholic and not sticking to it is like having a naughty child. He will see through you every time. So basically, say what you mean, and mean what you say. You cannot control his actions, but you can control how you react.

Good Luck and God Bless!

Recovering2

Sadly, there isn't anything you can do to change his drinking. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. As others have already said, it is a PROGRESSIVE disease so he will only get worse over time unless he seeks real recovery. In the meantime, he will get defensive and lie to protect his #1 priority....alcohol.

What you CAN do is start really educating yourself about this disease, and your role in this relationship. Find an Alanon group near you, and start going. If there are several groups in your area, go to a few different ones and find the group that feels right for you. You will find tremendous support, and will learn from the experiences of others who share. Read "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beattie

Learn to set real boundaries. Don't set ultimatums that you aren't prepared to keep. A's learn quickly that you don't mean it. You have children to protect. You're not doing them any favors in the loooong run if you keep them in a house with an alcoholic. Spend some time in the Adult Children of Alcoholic forum if you want to get a picture of their future if things don't change.

NorthofWest

that is a very hard decision to make, especially with children around.

If I hadnt lost my pregnancy, I would have raised the child away from the father (an A) and done everything I could to make sure he was not involved. Children deserve their best chance....and that doesn't involve growing up around an alcoholic. It wouldn't be a loving, healthy environment. I know it would have been hard, but my childs wellbeing is way more important. Besides, children remember what you are....do you want this man to be an example for them? Do you want them to see your relationship with him and think THAT is what relationships are supposed to be like?

A couple years ago, I told him I was done with him. At that time, I didn''t know he had an alcohol problem-just a lying problem. Me 'leaving' lasted a couple days and I was sucked right back in. Last month I told him I was leaving for good, which I have stuck to for a little over a month, but I don't think he believes me.

So, you have to weight the pros and cons here even though there seems to be a lot more cons. A friend told me years ago that sometimes you have to do things you dont want to do to get to where you want to be. I think....that applies here...we care about our As, dont want to leave but have to because we deserve to live a life that isnt full of such turmoil and drama. You deserve your best chance at a great, fulfilling life. Your children do as well.

unsureoffuture

I like the slogan "Nothing changes unless something changes"! As long as you continue to allow him to stay in the house and continue hiding his drinking (and trust me from experience he will get better at it), he is not going to change. He has no reason to, because he knows you wont enforce the boundaries. He knows how you feel about his drinking, you already told him to stop or you are done.

I did that many times with my AH because I thought it was better for the kids. He would moderate his drinking and hide it more until I was back in his good graces and then a few months down the line it was right back to where it started or worse. I can state for sure it is a progressive disease and it will get worse. It's only a matter of time. Is this the type of partner you want your girls to marry? They are watching and learning.

Just because you separate doesn't mean he cant have a relationship with the girls. the ball is in his court.

ladyscribbler

Between a rock and a hard place. Been there done that, donated the t shirt to Goodwill.
I can't tell you what to do, because I dilly dallied around for five years until I was living in a war zone.
One thing I wish I would have done way back when was go to an Alanon meeting. I didn't start going until after I left. You don't have to do anything right this minute, but I second the suggestion to try a meeting. The tools you learn in Alanon will help you approach your problems from a place of mental clarity and you will find much needed support while you gather your strength.
Hugs and welcome.

hopeful4

I found with my X I got a lot more across when I would get his stash together and just put it on the table. I did not even have to say anything.

When I really knew I was working MY OWN recovery is when I stopped searching for his stash. He has moved out and I continue to run into them around the house, good grief!

Hawkeye13

I would say, having grown up with alcoholic parent(s) that you should take a longer view and realize it will damage your daughters to deal with an active, progressive alcoholic living in their home. It does a great deal of damage, and as others have said, you are providing the role model and "norms" for the kind of relationship your daughters will form themselves someday.

I wouldn't confront him until you are ready to take action.
If you need more time to get to that place, take it and alanon meetins might be a good baby step to the next thing.

I wish you the very best in tough situation.

Buzzle

Well, a quick update. I confronted him today and voiced my concerns. He broke down and told me he knows he has a problem and he tries so hard but keeps stuffing up. He said he knew I'd find out sooner or later and that he desperately wants to stop. He is giving me his pay every week and giving me full access to his bank accounts and will hand over all and any receipts to me. He has also purchased a $100 breathalyser online and has agreed to use it whenever I ask.

I feel like this site and all of you have given me clarity. He begged for my help and I said that now I feel more educated about the situation I will help but I have no patience left. This truly is his last chance. And even I believe that which is huge cause I've never believed it before. I've made an appointment with my solicitor to draw up some things stating my property is mine and he has agreed to sign so that if he screws up he is entitled to nothing of mine.

Fingers crossed that it works and he will get better for real and for good but if not, I'm prepared to leave it because I've spent the last 12 hours thinking non stop and the reason I hate alcoholism is because I grew up with an alcoholic father and I won't put my kids through it.

Wow I have to thank you all. I feel like I can see this clearly now. Geez I feel like a fool for having such clouded judgements about it all

hopeful4

Just be careful. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

XXX

DoubleBarrel

You will either show your kid that this is behavior to be tolerated or that you have standards and self respect.

She will learn a lifetime lesson from your choice now.

You told him what you intended to do, and he crossed that line. This is the tough part, following through. You knew what the right thing to do was when you said it. Don't capitulate.

Buzzle

I'm going into it assuming it won't work and prepared to walk away. If it works, I'll be surprised and grateful. If it doesn't, well I won't be shocked... my girls and I have been to hell and back, we deserve the best now.

peaceofpi

Hugs and all the best to you and your girls.