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Old 05-19-2014, 11:18 AM
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Recovery tools in action

So my older D had a special event this weekend that involved family members from my side and her fathers side being present.

I wont say I didn't worry and overthink it at all ahead of time-- I did... but given my past tendency to think endlessly about "how will so and so feel about this or that and what will happen if so and so does this" and my inclination to try and make it so everyone is happy (which always results in ME being miserable and someone being pissy that I didn't do enough for them), I did NOT do those things this weekend and it was wonderful...

My own family rsvp'd last minute and got their panties in a bunch about seating, xAH's family got THEIR panties in a bunch about who got to sit closest to my D and I largely ignored it all. I made it clear on the invite what the seating arrangements were and reminded a few people of that and left it at that.

XAH's sister tried to force the issue and a completely unrelated person at the event overheard and stepped in to make her move and adhere to the plan.

I know some of my family and xAH's were irritable about the seating and my unwillingness to let photos go on for hours afterward and I let them be without trying to smooth it over or fix it. I sat with my D and loved every moment of her event (and cried bc it was such a momentous occasion). Photos were brief afterward bc D wanted to be with her peers at the reception and it was HER day and that's what I let her do.

After the event, I let people know where the reception was and that I would be at my house at X time for the party afterward and I kept my focus on my D.

Back at my house later a member of xAH's family was disrespectful to me and I told him it ended immediately or he would leave. His response was to swear at me in front of his mother and my D and I escorted him out and that was the end of that and the focus went back to D's big day.

I put food out and didn't hover asking everyone if they needed anything-- I was polite and checked in with people but spent most of the afternoon playing with the kids, sitting with my friends who'd come and enjoying myself and not worrying about everyone else...

Not that you all need the play by play I gave here but it sure was nice to have there be an event for one of my kids where I fully enjoyed it and didn't let the dysfunction of others or my own codependent tendancies make it miserable....
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Old 05-19-2014, 11:39 AM
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You handled that situation amazingly. You had your boundaries in place and you enforced them. You didn't let other people's feelings about your boundaries upset you or take the focus away from the most improtant thing, your D and her day. Great job wantobehealthy!!!
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Old 05-19-2014, 11:43 AM
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If you all knew my family and xAH's, it's a challenge to deal with even one member from either side-- so the fact that there was relative calm and I didn't let their collective BS distract me from making it a lovely day for my D is nothing short of a miracle!
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Old 05-19-2014, 12:04 PM
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Way to go WTBH! Recovery sure does look good on you!

Your friend,
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Old 05-19-2014, 12:19 PM
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Old 05-19-2014, 12:29 PM
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I am in NO rush to repeat this family gathering anytime soon but it sure was nice to realize that I can have a group of unhealthy people around me and do not have to feed into it...
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Old 05-19-2014, 12:39 PM
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Yay Yay Yay!!! I am so excited for you! How fabulous that you handled everything in such a great way and that you and your D had a great time!

Tight Hugs!!!
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Old 05-19-2014, 01:30 PM
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Back at my house later a member of xAH's family was disrespectful to me and I told him it ended immediately or he would leave. His response was to swear at me in front of his mother and my D and I escorted him out and that was the end of that and the focus went back to D's big day.
I am in awe of you. Good work, my friend.
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