seek

Just wanted to write a little bit of my process . . . I have been through a lot, as has my family . . . the family has broken apart . . . there are at least a couple of alcoholics (declared) in the family, along with a bunch of "heavy drinkers."

My grand"child" is in rehab for the second time.

I am just sick of all the trauma and drama he has taken us through in his drinking career, which has just been a few years.

In reviewing everything, I see that I allowed myself to be abused. In the case of the grand"child," my theory was that he was going through difficult phases and with enough care, love, and time, would outgrow the negative behaviors.

I now see a role of scapegoat I have played in the family.

Because of family secrets, I also didn't even know another person was alcoholic - just thought they were a mean jerk . . .

So much suffering at the hands of the alcoholics . . . so much intense drama . . . so much hope and then disappointments . . .

When I think of this board and the people who willingly put up with alcoholics (especially those who are married to alcoholics), it is really hard to understand why anyone would choose to stay in relationships with people who are so destructive and self-destructive.

With family members, it seems to be much harder - you can't divorce them and there are different bonds when you have birthed someone or raised someone and spent years of nurturing them in their childhoods. My opinion.

The alcoholics have the POWER to destroy lives - their own and the people around them - they are like bombs that just randomly go off and the destruction is significant.

I don't understand alcoholism or any severe, ongoing self-destruction. Life is hard enough without actually making yourself sick . . .just don't "get it." I can understand how someone can get drunk, but after the first round of horrible things happening, it seems obvious that drinking is not a good solution to any problem - I don't "get" the people who don't "get" it. Yes, I know it is a "disease" - but do they notice the collateral damage? Do they care?

Rant, rant.

If you CAN get away, DO! Run! If you have discovered that you mistakenly married an alcoholic, see a divorce attorney immediately! If you have friends who are alcoholic, avoid them like the plaque. If you have relatives who are alcoholic . . . much harder . . .but get some counseling, for sure.

I personally think Alanon promotes staying in relationship with unhealthy people. I know it helps people cope and work on "their stuff," but it also keeps the focus on the alcoholic (even though it says it doesn't - just the nature of the program is in relationship to alcoholics).

For myself, I am trying to heal emotional abuse, figure out why I allowed myself to be abused, and create strong boundaries - also, I need to figure out how to protect myself against manipulation - I often confuse "love" with manipulation. Walking on eggshells and not sharing the real me is also a challenge for me - it is dangerous to be around alcoholics and I have learned to modify my behavior to survive, but in the meantime have given up my true voice.

Thanks for listening and I am not trying to pick fights with people who choose to stay in relationships with alcoholics or who love Alanon - just saying how it is for me.

hopeful4

I totally understand what you are saying. I think the purpose of Alanon, or in my case Celebrate Recovery, is to get you to see yourself outside of your relationship with the alcoholic. I personally stayed with my X who is an alcoholic b/c I felt the need to protect my children. Unfortunately, the legal system fails the children of alcoholics. As a mother, I needed to be sure my children were safe all the time. It is still my main focus, although I have now left the marriage. My children are 14 and 8. They have been educated about substance abuse, taught to recognize it, counseled enough to find a voice to say NO if ever told to get in the car. I have provided them both with phones to be able to call me anytime to tell me they are not safe.

I too felt as though I was losing myself in alcoholism. Walking on eggshells. Changing myself and my own boundaries to continue on. When I walked away, he had been given every chance plus a thousand more. I knew it was time.

I credit my becoming strong enough of a person to walk away with Celebrate Recovery, intense therapy, and the folks here at SR. I had to be strong to know I could get through it, help my children get through it, and to be OK.

I know where you are coming from. I also agree it is different when it is a child or a family member you cannot "leave." My heart hurts for all you have been through.

XXX

seek

hopeful: Yes - protecting one's children is sometimes very difficult to figure out. It sounds like you have done a great job.

I sent two of my teens to Alateen - one is an alcoholic and one a heavy drinker. I don't know what more I could have done as a mother to change outcomes - they say "You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it," and that is a slogan that is very true.

hopeful4

You are right. There is nothing you could have done. We are not the only influences in their lives. The three C's are absolute and accurate.

And thanks, I have tried with my girls but I am no fool to what could happen. Why the legal system does not protect children better is beyond me.

Hugs XXX

Raider

I agree with your post. If you can run, run away from this craziness. Life with an addict is not fun. And I am one.

seek

hopeful: I really feel for mothers trying to protect their children. I did not know the legal system was not protective. When I was an active mom, moms had power and control over their kids - laws have changed in the name of equality - I typically support equality, but not if children suffer, as a result.

marie1960

hello seek,

good to hear from you again

owly

Seek - hallelujah to that. I am sick and tired of alcoholics. I am working so hard to heal my life. It's exhausting but it also gives me hope that my life can be better, lived on my own terms, and filled with people who value me. I have had it with all of the psychological abuse. I'm sick to death of alcoholism so negatively affecting me. So, I guess I don't really have anything constructive to tell you but I thank you for sharing your thoughts on the matter - helps me feel a little less alone in this mess.

dandylion

seek---I know what you are saying. My conclusion is to love them from a distance--because up close is just too painful to bear.

I'm talking about family. You can't divorce your family--not like you can a voluntary relationship.

Loving from a distance has been my court of last resort.

dandylion

Refiner

I am not a mother so can't speak to the bond of having children, but I do know that you can "divorce" your family. My sister has always been a mentally abusive NPD JERK... and then was a mean drunk... I went NC (No Contact) after our mother died (so she couldn't taker her abuse to me out on my mother). I've never been happier to have that wretch out of my life.

hopeful4

It's quite disgusting actually. I live in a town of about 15k people. It annexes into a town of about 75k people. We are all one county. For this entire county, there is a possibility of three judges you can get if you go to court. One of the three is a raging alcoholic himself. I know him personally and know this for fact. The other one is all about giving 50/50 custody no matter what. The last is a fair and good man. It is next to impossible to keep your child out of the hands of the father. For years for my children that meant at any given time during "his time" he would be able to drive them while under the influence of alcohol, and would do so.

I waited until two things happened. One, it progressed to the point I could not and would not deal with it anymore. Two, my children got old enough to understand what is going on and to have a phone and be able to call me. I will never leave town without my children. I will always have to be near by even if he has them for that day, because I have to be near enough to go to them if they call me. If for some reason I could not, I would call 911.

I encourage anyone who is thinking about leaving their spouse with children to do some research on the judges in your town. Here, it's the good ol boys club. So...I have done everything within my power to safeguard my kids. It's a big responsibility. My XAH loves his children, but he loves booze and takes strong Rx meds he should not drink with. He cannot see when he is under the influence how bad it gets.

It really stinks that society has not taken a hard line on parents with a substance abuse problems.

seek

That's unbelievable. How do the two judges rationalize putting children in danger? All of the mothers with raging alcoholic exes should picket the courthouse and write letters to the editor. I would not protect the exes from their bad behavior. "Out" them - call news stations, whatever is necessary.

seek

I am not just venting. I have gotten to the point where I have seen the absolute ABUSE that I have endured over the years. I was blind to it - I didn't connect all of the dots or see the bigger picture.

I am very idealistic by nature and want to see the good in people and so wanted to have a functional family.

These people have just **** on everyone - over and over again. No real remorse.