BUTTERCUP1971

So now that he FINALLY CHECKED HIMSELF INTO REHAB and can make a phone call, he calls me first. I was so excited that he stayed through detox and that his first call was to me! It actually took me by surprise, my heart jumped and I was so excited to hear from him and his words were devastatingly mean and of course, made me cry. UNREAL! but not really, right!!?? I have been praying for him, journaling, reading posts, working on myself, and dealing with all kinds of hardships in my life. And the first call from him is still accusing, blaming, and being mean. I need to get on with my life and allow his sobriety to be his number #1 priority. I am still dealing with some really crazy things he did on mothers day weekend. I feel so abused and terrible and my heart is twisting and palpating from the stress of his calls being so mean and negative and accusatory.

I was holding out hope.
Should I not?

I don't even know why when I know so much better, why I am so hopeful for him....for us. He has a long long road of recovery and I only want to be there to help him. If I am aggravating him then I need to stop sending him positive notes and hoping for a positive phone call. Or do I need to continue being positive so he has hope??

I am setting myself up for more abusive behavior aren't I??!!

I need support

Hopeworks

Oh Buttercup... your post brought back such memories of my own XA and his first rehab with me (he had been to many others before me but it was my first rodeo) and his phone calls and visits to the facility being so disappointing and yes...angry.

My XA was simply not happy that I had been a catalyst to separating him from his drug of choice and so beneath his terse smiles and quacking was a lot of resentment that he carries to this day. He was a chronic relapser so he porpoised in and out of sobriety and occasional authentic recovery with many rehab stays every 5 or 6 months for 6 years before I got off the crazy train.

The emotional roller coaster, uncertainty, stress and troubled relationship is a real drain on the heart, soul and even your body.

I wish I could give you a happy story or romantic ending but I can't ...he still is fighting for his life and is on the edge of the cliff and at risk to use soon... I can hear it in his voice. We are 2500 miles away from each other and I am completely detached but am a lifeline for him.. he calls me his "Barnabas" as I am always encouraging him that he can make it out of addiction if he will do what it takes.

And I do believe that every addict can make it... with the willingness to do whatever it takes (and that may be long term inpatient recovery. That is what my XA needs... at least an 8 month program to get the inner healing he needs.

A 28 day program just barely scratches the surface of a lifetime of recovery that is needed... and it is the rare addict that is willing to embark on that journey that brings total healing and a healthy person capable of truly connecting and loving others unselfishly.

Learn all you can about the disease and take care of you... are you in alanon? Counseling? Both helped me enormously find my own recovery from my addiction to him!

Mountainmanbob

none of us have any idea of who the two of you are
but
there is one thing for very sure
life is short
our loved ones
need to treat us as if they are our loved ones
ok let's give it a percentage -- at least 99 % of the time
admitted -- no one is perfect

just sounds like you have your 99 % working in the wrong direction ??

there are ones out there who will love and cherish you -- when the time is right

God's timing

Mountainman

AnvilheadII

I need support


that my dear, is the GIFT in all this. yes you do. we all do. need support to be more US and less THEM. your life is important, YOU are important. put YOU first.......

tranphuong2206

The most perfect action is love around people

tranphuong2206

I pray for you and your family

dandylion

Oh, Buttercup, you don't deserve to hurt this much. It is not at all unusual for the alcoholic or addict to hurt the ones who have stood by them the most. Without the drink or the drugs they are often a confused, emotional mess. Frequently, they blame the ones who wanted them to get sober for "taking away their best friend---the drink".

Your best bet, I believe, is to realize that you have done nothing wrong except to try to love someone to the best of your ability (as you understand it)......and that he is not capable of returning in kind. Who knows if he ever will?!
Hon, it would be best to put a great deal of physical and emotional distance between you and him in order to find a space for you to heal. Thank god that you realize that you need tons of support right now. This is sooo true!!

Surround yourself with those who understand how you feel and what you are going through. These are the ones who will lead you out of the forest.

You will get through this. I promise.

dandylion

hopeful4

O sweetie, he should be happy you even took his call.

The best thing you can do for you at this time is maintain no contact w/him. Let him be in rehab and work on him. Don't live w/him when he gets out. Let him have the space for him to decide if he is going to work this recovery or not. In the mean time, take this time to be kind to you. Keep working on you and getting the support you not only need but deserve.

XXX

BUTTERCUP1971

I thank you all most graciously for your supportive, kind, caring words of hope and love. I am going to recommend this site to his mother who is a great lady and attending an al anon meeting as I type. I felt so alone knowing I couldn't really get an empathetic ear from anyone around me. I appreciate all your messages and will take them to heart. I do work on myself everyday, and just came home from a workshop to better myself spiritually. You are all so kind god bless, BUTTERCUP