lizziecerys

Hi all,

I am new to this site, I would normally read what people are saying instead of writing myself but I figure someone out there may be able to tell me the truth because they have been there.
I am the on and off partner of a drug (heroin and crack cocaine) and alcohol dependent man who is 39 years old. I am 27. We met just a little over two years ago, and although I was aware of his issues I don't think I fully recognised (and probably still don't, even 2 years later) to what extent this would grow to play such a major role in my life. I'm a co-dependent person, not one for loving labels but I am. I tick every co-dependent box you could ever imagine...so it won't shock you that when I met him I made a beeline straight for him because he immediately flagged up as someone who needed my obviously expert help and needed to be rescued. I wasn't so fully aware of my co-dependency issues back then as I am now, which is why my relationship with him has been a rollercoaster. Had I known then what I know now I would have done things very differently indeed...but hey hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Over the past two years I have struggled with his addiction in every way possible. This time last year I tried to support him as he wanted to come off Subutex and be completely clean and he couldn't do it, so I gave him money to go and buy some to end his rattle. I've lied for him, got into debt to help him out of various situations, paid off his drug debts, stayed with him whilst he was in prison, visited him, gone to court with him...the list goes on and is endless. Now many will probably think - classic co-dependent behaviour, she shouldn't have done this that or the other....but I did and now I'm stuck.

We broke up 6 weeks ago, I changed my phone number. He doesn't know where I am as I moved. I couldn't take any more. At first I was so convinced I was doing the right thing, I was looking after myself and putting myself and what I wanted for myself first. Well at least that is what I thought. I have such low confidence and self esteem that all the things I "should" want for myself, or what anyone would want in life I don't feel like I can have or deserve to have. I feel comfortable in the pain and chaos of living with him, of answering the phone thinking 'oh god what's happened now', I feel comfortable second guessing everything, not trusting a word he tells me but wanting to badly to believe him. I feel secure in knowing that this is as good as it gets, that I will always come second, that I'm being lied to or manipulated into believing one thing when something entirely different is happening. I love and yet hate going to prison to visit him, I want to know how he is all the time, I'm nosey, have a morbid curiosity. I hear that he is drinking, I want to know what he is drinking and what time he starts drinking, I want to know who he is spending his time with. When I try and live a 'normal' life, get on with my job, come home, have my dinner, watch tv and go to bed....which by the way was the simple life I craved for so long...it bores me, it frustrates me that he isn't around, that there isn't a situation to resolve...so I go looking. He doesn't know but often I will drive by where he lives, see him (without him seeing me) and I will see how awful he looks due to the drugs/alcohol and I'll just cry. I go looking for things that will make me sad, will make me cry and make me want to just walk over to him and tell him I'll sort it, that I will put him before me every time. It's hard to know what is love and what's co-dependency..I love him but I also feel sorry for him and the two have merged now.
Anyway...I'm going off on a tangent. What I would like is some brutal honesty from people on this site who use/drink or are in recovery to answer some questions for me...

1. Did he ever love me? Do those with addiction problems ever really love? Or was I a bank? Did he see me as someone who he could very easily use/manipulate? He always told me how much he loved me, would be so kind in so many ways, he showed me how much he loved me but then when the other side to him took over he wasn't the same person.

2. Does he have regret? Perhaps not at the time but afterwards? After everyone/everything good in his life has left does he realise why? Does he think about me and wish he could stop drinking/using?

3. Is it my fault? This is probably the most important question because every day I carry such guilt over my part in all of this. I see a chain of events that all come back to me...If I hadn't done this then that wouldn't have happened which led to this and so on...I have dreams where he is crying, pleading with me to come back and help him, I worry all the time that he is sick or dying without me and I won't get there in time. Sometimes I can rationalise it but most of the time it takes over and I end up some anxious and panicking wreck.

What if he dies thinking badly of me or that I don't care about him? I can't do right for doing wrong...if I went back to make sure he knows I care/love/support him I just start the cycle all over again which leads to how I feel now, but if I don't and I continue to try and rebuild my life without him in it I feel anxious/worried/panicked that something awful is going to happen.

I found out today that he went to court on Friday and hasn't been seen since, so his friend assumes he has been sent to jail. Well...you can imagine what I've been like this weekend, worrying he's lying somewhere ill or in hospital, I've already called every jail and hospital within a 50 mile radius...I'm demented. No one can tell me anything as it's a Sunday and then when I take a moment I ask/tell myself...why do you want to know? It's none of your business.

Please help me make some sense of my life and how to move forwards. I love him so so much but I know I'm not helping him by staying in his life and enabling him to continue to live the lifestyle he lives by saving him at every opportunity when if I wasn't there to rescue him he may actually reach that crucial rock bottom moment and decide to change for himself.

Thanks...and any help/advice would be greatly welcomed.

Raider

Please help me make some sense of my life and how to move forwards. I love him so so much but I know I'm not helping him by staying in his life and enabling him to continue to live the lifestyle he lives by saving him at every opportunity when if I wasn't there to rescue him he may actually reach that crucial rock bottom moment and decide to change for himself.


There is your answer. Good luck.

chicory

Lizzyceres,

Welcome to SR, and thanks for sharing. Stick around dear, and you will get a lot of insight that will help. and support.

NO, this is not your fault-period. We cannot control what they do, we cannot cure it, and firstly, you did not cause it. just remember that.

NYCDoglvr

No one can know what's in someone else's heart. But as a recovering alcoholic (22.5 years) I know that active alcoholics are self-centered, self-involved and selfish in the extreme. Given those characteristics I don't think they're capable of loving anyone, only the bottle. It is their higher power, God, great love of their lives and as you've read here, they simply don't care about other people.

You are ONLY responsible for your own actions. What I learned in Alanon is that what I thought of as love was really just need. And in hindsight it became clear that I didn't trust or respect him so I wouldn't call it love now. It was pure codependency, wanting to put the focus on someone else instead of doing the hard work of fixing my own crazy thinking.

I strongly recommend Alanon, which waved my sanity. I had the support I needed to go through the painful feelings and thanks to the 12 Steps I worked on changing myself so I don't have to ever pick another drunk.

AnvilheadII

It's hard to know what is love and what's co-dependency..I love him but I also feel sorry for him and the two have merged now.

love and co-dependency look nothing alike.
nor do love and pity.

love embraces the totality of the individual...sees them for who they are and accepts it all, AS IS.

codependency sees all the flaws and faults and deficiencies of the other and wants to FIX them.

pity sees them as less than...defective.....helpless and hopeless.

he is an addict. the drugs have him, the addiction rules. at almost 40 his life's center is USING. and that includes using OTHERS. he let you buy his dope, pay off his drug debts. welcomed your participation in his court appointments, jail time, prison....the more you did FOR him, the less he had to do. his mission is to live life the easier softer way.......whatever it takes so he can preserve and protect his addiction.

he very simply has NOTHING to offer you...more than that, is unwilling to give you anything....he brings nothing GOOD or healthy to your life.

HE WAS AN ADDICT WHEN YOU MET. that stage was already set. you in now way influenced or brought about the things that happened. they would have happened regardless.

shake it off. heal up. learn your lessons and move on.

marie1960

I read this in an article today, and it's worth a share.

You can choose to stop being a prisoner of your past and become the architect of you future.

He has shown you who he truly is, only you can decide the quality of life you want for yourself. He has zero to offer. Accepting the situation for what it is, and bid good riddance, and move on.........

I have great empathy for you, I understand the hurt you are feeling, but if you truly want better, let this go, to continue to 'overthink' the whole situation will only cause more grief. You will not always feel like you currently do. It will hurt for a while, but with some time and distance, clarity will return.

I believe you deserve better, and I believe you know that too.

inpieces314

1. I think some addicts are capable of love, but I think they can't love while they are active in their addiction-not that they don't want to, but that they can't. Literally cannot-the addiction takes everything from them-everything from their emotions to their physical health to their soul.

2. I also think some addicts regret things. I actually had a conversation with the ABF about this once. I heard somewhere that some alcoholics have a lot of regret about their lives, and rather than face it, they continue to drink, because they don't have to worry about it. I asked him, and he said it was true (for him at least). I know he did a lot of F-ed up things in his life, some of them had nothing to do with me.

3. It is not your fault. You didn't start his addiction, you aren't the reason why he is continuing his addiction, and you won't be the end of it either. That is all up to him. And look at it this way-you left, and he continued to drink, right? You were there, and he was still drinking, right? No matter what you did, he continued to drink. Remember that-you are only responsible for yourself.

This actually happened to me. And I struggle with it on a daily basis. And I don't know what to tell you. I KNOW it wasn't my fault, I KNOW I did what I had to do, I KNOW he even knew that-but in my heart, it does not matter. All I know is, he died alone, without me there, to tell him I love him. It is the worst pain imaginable. But at the same time, I read people's posts about how they have been in these relationships for 20, 30, 40 years and all the misery the A put them through. I think, I might be lucky-I had 3 years, and now I am done. He was never going to leave me, and I never would have left him for longer than a few months at a time (because he always was getting better, trying, etc. even at the end, until the last time I got mad at him). But the guilt of thinking that just kills me-what kind of horrible monster am I to think that way?

In all honesty, it does not matter what he thinks of you. When the ABF died, I wasn't worried about what he thought of me. I could care less-what I wanted was to make sure that somehow he knew that I love him, I am sorry it had to be this way, I would take it all back if I could. I already knew what he thought of me-he was the kind of guy that wore his heart on his sleeve. But in terms of the relationship, it didn't matter to me anymore-the costs of staying in the relationship outweighed the benefits. And I really am sorry. I know I played some part in it, but I still did the best I could with the facts I had at the time. I just never thought that would be the end.

You can't be afraid that he is going to die if you aren't around. You can't save him. It happens all the time, even without addiction-people get mad at someone, and they die. But if we treated them like they would die all the time, we would smother them. Especially an addict-you can't NOT let them go because you are afraid they will die-because then you will end up getting hurt yourself (from all the stress, anxiety, etc.). And you have to look out for yourself, because he surely isn't.

I do know, this is the worst thing that ever happened to me, ever. I love him with every part of my heart and soul, and I have no idea how to get through this. What I do know is, despite all that, I am still alive, and somehow I get through every day. And IF that happens to you (which I am in no way saying at all) then you will get through it too. You can't let that fear define the relationship that you have with him, or the relationship you have with yourself. It's irrational-it could happen to anyone, at any time, and you can't do anything about it. All you can do is live YOUR life the way you want to, because you only get one life. When it is your time to go, you will want to look back and be happy at everything you accomplished. Can you do that with him in the picture?

BoxinRotz

You know what you need? You need your very own therapist! Like yesterday!!!

CodeJob

Hi Lizzie! Welcome to SR.

This is a good post. It shows you are thinking and changing. Be patient with yourself. Stopping the Codie freak outs takes practice. You have made some incredible changes in just a few weeks.

You can find your own truths Lizzie.

BlueSkies1

Lizzie, it might be a good idea for you to post on this thread everyday. I see your confidence waning...your resolve disappearing as you drive by his house...and with that might very well come a relapse on your part. If you just give in, the cycle will repeat itself.
Breaking through to new thinking isn't easy at all, it's very difficult.
You've been looking backwards see...to the past...by driving past his house. That isn't creating a new future that is different.
How about you don't have to give up on the idea of things being the way you wish they could be immediately and all at once, but that you tell yourself that things are going to be different? Meaning you are going to change, regardless of ever getting back with him or not?
This way no matter what else happens, it won't be groundhog day again and again.
Shift the balance...now how, and in what ways?
That's your path of discovery. Thinking differently yourself, in order to change what occurs as a result.
It's an adventure in new thought which leads to a different and better life.

lillamy

Six weeks is a short time. Six weeks after I left AXH, I was still in a fog. I wasn't thinking straight. I wasn't sleeping -- I spent nights on the phone with friends in other time zones (don't mention the phone bills). I was completely consumed just by putting one foot in front of the other and doing what needed doing.

I think the fact that you're asking these questions is a GOOD thing. You're working through them. Not stuffing them away for sorting through later (which is what I did). But also give yourself some grace here. You can't find all the answers today. You don't need to find all the answers today.

1. Did he ever love me? Do those with addiction problems ever really love? Or was I a bank? Did he see me as someone who he could very easily use/manipulate?

I know that the alcoholic I was married to believed that he loved me. He said it repeatedly. But his actions didn't show love, they showed control and power and, increasingly, abuse. I've struggled with this question myself, because I've found it hard to go back and remember the good things because the bad ones overshadow the good ones so much.

I will tell you, though, that after six years here and in Al-Anon, I have peace with the thought that he loved me as well as he was able to.

2. Does he have regret? Perhaps not at the time but afterwards? After everyone/everything good in his life has left does he realise why? Does he think about me and wish he could stop drinking/using?

Honestly? Judging from AXH, I would say no. AXH has no regrets. Because his alcoholism makes it damn near impossible for him to accept that he had any responsibility for how our relationship (and all his other relationships) went south. He thinks he is alone because the Universe has something against him. Because he's cursed. Because God wants to punish him (for what, i don't know). He doesn't think he has a problem with drinking. He thinks I lied about him being an alcoholic in order to make a swift escape. Numerous police reports, numerous restraining orders -- those are just further evidence that the Universe hates him. They don't mean that he did anything wrong. Now, RECOVERING addicts -- that's another issue. Recovered addicts tend to be in HELL when they sober up and understand the extent of the harm they've done, to themselves and to other people.

3. Is it my fault?

No.
Would you blame yourself if he got... lupus or diabetes or cancer and claimed there was nothing wrong with him and refused to seek help? I don't think you would go through your memory and think "If I just hadn't..." or "If I was just better at..."

Those are the answers I would give. But please keep posting. Just because he is out of your life, as you very well know, he is NOT out of your head. And talking about what he's saying and doing in your head, and hearing other people tell their (remarkably similar) stories, is healing.

Hugs!

iSPAZ

Very well stated. Could not agree more.

lizziecerys

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and honest replies. I really appreciate all of you sharing your experiences and thoughts on my situation. It is a comfort to know that others have got through this and I know I will too. I think I will seek therapy as there are obviously some underlying deep rooted issues that I haven't worked through that mean I look for these sort of relationships. And I don't want to get into another relationship like this again, so a lot of work and healing has to be done. Again, thank you for the support and non judgemental responses, it is nice that I'm not by myself. X

Live

Therapy will be great!

I agree with checking in daily. Do you feel like you could begin a no contact, which includes no drive bys or snooping?

That is what I had to do. come here each and every day and post my count...my sobriety.

lizziecerys

I'm sure I can yes...I will at least try to
make sure it gets less and less and not put myself in a situation where I could relapse, I think I need to just hold on to whatever strength I have and build
on that to get stronger. I will just every day as it comes and also begin
AlAnon meetings too. In time this will pass. X

Live

fluffyflea

Are there any Alanon and or COda meetings near you? probably a good idea to get into one of those programs.

mdkathy62

Hi lizziecerys,

Thank you for sharing. I'm writing as someone who several years ago was in a similar position as you. I was with an alcoholic boyfriend for 3 years and, like you, gave all my money to him to help him with everything from rent to buying alcohol, I covered for him with his job, I lied for him, I drove him to AA, I dropped him off at jail and picked him up, I went to court with him, and so forth. I asked all the same questions you are asking now. Now, a few years later, I can tell you, things get better. I promise.

1. I asked a friend of mine once if my ex loved me. His answer was very blunt: how can people love others if they don't love themselves? I am certain that in good times, when all is good in the world, when they're not high or drunk, they probably care very deeply about those around them. I can say through my own issues with insecurities and not loving myself, I found it very hard to love others. I could not compliment others or show gratitude. That's not love. I often found reasons to resent people in my life - 'her life is so easy', 'she always has guys after her and no one loves me', 'they always get all the attention, but not me'. That's not love. To simultaneously be around people and have these kinds of thoughts is not quite love. When I learned to love myself, I learned to love others. These thoughts went away. And when they come back, I push them out and remind myself how much I love myself. The whole time I kept asking myself if he loved me because I thought if he loved me then that would give me a reason to love myself. I was only worth loving if someone loved me. All along, I should have been asking myself: do I love myself?

2. I think we all have a lot of regrets. I think the regret along with everything else leads to the cycle. My ex used to tell me that he wanted so badly to make his life right. He was sober for 6 months and in those 6 months, he confided a lot of regrets, but if one bad thing happened, e.g., getting a bad grade in school, then it led to a downward spiral. Everything he had been working towards felt like it was unobtainable and the whole cycle of relapsing and going back to alcohol started again. I think the alcohol helps numb the regret and the pain. That's my perception. I could be wrong.

3. Nothing HE does is your fault. Things YOU do is YOUR fault. I used to blame myself everytime my ex picked up a beer, when he got a DUI, when he was late to school, when he didn't shower. The list of things I took responsibility for him was unbelievable. I woke him up everyday to be on time for school and his job. If I wasn't sleeping over, I woke him up by calling his phone off the hook to wake him up. I demanded he texted me when he got to his destination so I could rest assure that he made it on time. That was MY fault. I enabled him. I wanted him to be an adult, I wanted him to take responsibility and own his life, but I did everything for him. I told him when to shower, I cooked lunch for him so he wouldn't starve himself. These were all MY fault. Then I resented him for "making" me do all these things, but he never made me. I chose to. When I came to terms with the role I played in this, it was really difficult to accept. I went to AA with him often and learned to adopt the mantra of "not my problem". What other people do with their lives is not my problem. What I do with my life is totally my problem.

Take care.