AXH and my DD
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
AXH and my DD
My ex husband is an alcoholic. I didn't really realize it bc we didn't drink much when we were married. Early on, he left to get wasted when I was pregnant several times and the last time I videotaped him. I made him watch it the next day and he cried, saying that wasn't who he wanted to be. He didn't drink much after that.
He became even more addicted to his job. There are much worse things, but I was a stay at home mom for a year and had little help. My DD screamed a lot and wouldn't eat, led to an eventual diagnosis of ADHD and/or very high-functioning Asperger's. You'd never know to meet her, but there have been a plethora of issues and therapies. My ex and I divorced when she was two. He has largely blamed me for her problems. Refused to believe it. Left everything to me. Mostly out of anger, I think, and just doesn't like the kid thing. He pays child support and usually holds up his times to see her, but uses work as an avid excuse.
After we divorced he drank a lot. He was verbally abusive to the point of me not knowing what to do. He played games, screamed, said horrible things to me. He did not want the divorce.
A little history. He didn't cheat, I didn't cheat. I just wasn't in love w him, for whatever reason. I wanted to find that. People told me to stay for money, bc everyone "hates" their husband, bc nobody wants to be a single mom; just gross excuses. But I filed, we divorced, and he hated me for a long, long time. I was single for over a year and 1/2, met my current love, who is a functioning alcoholic - drinks after kids are asleep, and we have a son, been together 6 years. He's not a sloppy, falling down, passing out A, but an A nevertheless. He has been more of a father to my DD than her bio father ever was. He was the one who (sober) played pretty princess with crowns and necklaces, always remembers her fave things, and considers her "his" daughter. I love him in a way I NEVER loved my ex. This is how love should be. I love him, for or bad, I do. I really do.
But back to the ex husband.
Then came DUI #1. Crying, I'm sorry I'm making your life harder, I'll do whatever I can, he says. Then the loss of the license. Became major asshat. More verbal abuse. I had to pick her up and drop her off at the most invasive, obscure, ridiculous times. Basically, ANYTHING he wanted out of me, he got by texting over and over and over and calling and calling and just would not quit until he got his way. At first I played the game. After the years went by, I realized this was what he wanted. So I stopped catching the ball. In meantime, he finds a girlfriend to drive him around, take care of responsibilities. When license came back, he dumped her. She thought they'd marry.
And repeat. DUI #2. Same thing w/another girl.
And three months ago, DUI #3. Now he's in big trouble. He knows what to do, he found a girl- fast. Didn't tell me about her, which is fine, but legally he has to tell me if anyone has moved in, and she has, after just weeks of dating, where my daughter spends every other weekend. 95% of his weekends are spent out of state at his parents' house, but he has a beautiful house in a nice suburb. My DD has only stayed at his actual house a few times, and those times his mom has been there. I'm not sure why? His parents and siblings all have DUIs.
What concerns me is this girl doesn't have custody of her 3 kids. Lives out of state from them. As a mom, I cannot fathom this. Since hooking up with her, he could give a crap about our DD. He has always lied about "work meetings," and is now lying about weeklong work trips so that he can do what he's doing with the new girl, without our DD bothering him.
My DD misses him, although she prefers me, and most of the times hates to go to dads, we used to have to carry her to the car screaming. Right now she wants to go to his house, bc she hasn't been there to see her cat, and I do think part of her misses him, and feels like she's coming second. He is supposed to make up days from all these "work trips," as they've seriously messed up my client schedule, but he has not. If I were to say, hey I have to leave for a week, he would go ape sh*t, and the calls, texting, and verbal abuse would ensue. My DD is 10 w some special needs and if I don't do what he wants he threatens to leave her at home alone. I'm in no way ok w that.
So, this weekend she wanted to see him. He's been gone and leaving again. He had a choice to see her thurs - sun (today), he leaves tomorrow at 10, if he even is. So he doesn't call, my DD calls him multiple times, finally he tells my DD he promises today at 4:00 he will see her. No call or anything by 3:00. So I try to nicely to say, he what's up? Well now he can't see her until 6:30-7, she goes to bed at 8:30. He made the choice to leave and go to his parents' again. He could've left whenever, come home whenever. Why not see her on Fri, Sat, or leave earlier today? It's like he is making the least amt of time possible available for her.
However, he's always done this. I should be used to it. I would like to get full custody that way he can't reserve the right to complain & question and verbally abuse and harass, while he does nothing. And most importantly, THREE DUIs??? Come on. I'm very worried for my daughter. And I'm not sure spending time with her dad and some chick is the best thing - he has had a slew of them in n out of her life. It's been utterly disgusting. I could SO care less & set him up w a few friends, but he is just super weird about women.
I've felt horrible about the divorce, I think anyone who initiates divorce does, but I didn't want to be in a loveless, sexless, boring marriage - and I didn't want my DD to think that was ok.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. If anyone has advice as far as what to do? I know I've no control or influence on his life. Nor do I want to. But when it comes to my DD, I can't reel in Mama Bear!!!
He became even more addicted to his job. There are much worse things, but I was a stay at home mom for a year and had little help. My DD screamed a lot and wouldn't eat, led to an eventual diagnosis of ADHD and/or very high-functioning Asperger's. You'd never know to meet her, but there have been a plethora of issues and therapies. My ex and I divorced when she was two. He has largely blamed me for her problems. Refused to believe it. Left everything to me. Mostly out of anger, I think, and just doesn't like the kid thing. He pays child support and usually holds up his times to see her, but uses work as an avid excuse.
After we divorced he drank a lot. He was verbally abusive to the point of me not knowing what to do. He played games, screamed, said horrible things to me. He did not want the divorce.
A little history. He didn't cheat, I didn't cheat. I just wasn't in love w him, for whatever reason. I wanted to find that. People told me to stay for money, bc everyone "hates" their husband, bc nobody wants to be a single mom; just gross excuses. But I filed, we divorced, and he hated me for a long, long time. I was single for over a year and 1/2, met my current love, who is a functioning alcoholic - drinks after kids are asleep, and we have a son, been together 6 years. He's not a sloppy, falling down, passing out A, but an A nevertheless. He has been more of a father to my DD than her bio father ever was. He was the one who (sober) played pretty princess with crowns and necklaces, always remembers her fave things, and considers her "his" daughter. I love him in a way I NEVER loved my ex. This is how love should be. I love him, for or bad, I do. I really do.
But back to the ex husband.
Then came DUI #1. Crying, I'm sorry I'm making your life harder, I'll do whatever I can, he says. Then the loss of the license. Became major asshat. More verbal abuse. I had to pick her up and drop her off at the most invasive, obscure, ridiculous times. Basically, ANYTHING he wanted out of me, he got by texting over and over and over and calling and calling and just would not quit until he got his way. At first I played the game. After the years went by, I realized this was what he wanted. So I stopped catching the ball. In meantime, he finds a girlfriend to drive him around, take care of responsibilities. When license came back, he dumped her. She thought they'd marry.
And repeat. DUI #2. Same thing w/another girl.
And three months ago, DUI #3. Now he's in big trouble. He knows what to do, he found a girl- fast. Didn't tell me about her, which is fine, but legally he has to tell me if anyone has moved in, and she has, after just weeks of dating, where my daughter spends every other weekend. 95% of his weekends are spent out of state at his parents' house, but he has a beautiful house in a nice suburb. My DD has only stayed at his actual house a few times, and those times his mom has been there. I'm not sure why? His parents and siblings all have DUIs.
What concerns me is this girl doesn't have custody of her 3 kids. Lives out of state from them. As a mom, I cannot fathom this. Since hooking up with her, he could give a crap about our DD. He has always lied about "work meetings," and is now lying about weeklong work trips so that he can do what he's doing with the new girl, without our DD bothering him.
My DD misses him, although she prefers me, and most of the times hates to go to dads, we used to have to carry her to the car screaming. Right now she wants to go to his house, bc she hasn't been there to see her cat, and I do think part of her misses him, and feels like she's coming second. He is supposed to make up days from all these "work trips," as they've seriously messed up my client schedule, but he has not. If I were to say, hey I have to leave for a week, he would go ape sh*t, and the calls, texting, and verbal abuse would ensue. My DD is 10 w some special needs and if I don't do what he wants he threatens to leave her at home alone. I'm in no way ok w that.
So, this weekend she wanted to see him. He's been gone and leaving again. He had a choice to see her thurs - sun (today), he leaves tomorrow at 10, if he even is. So he doesn't call, my DD calls him multiple times, finally he tells my DD he promises today at 4:00 he will see her. No call or anything by 3:00. So I try to nicely to say, he what's up? Well now he can't see her until 6:30-7, she goes to bed at 8:30. He made the choice to leave and go to his parents' again. He could've left whenever, come home whenever. Why not see her on Fri, Sat, or leave earlier today? It's like he is making the least amt of time possible available for her.
However, he's always done this. I should be used to it. I would like to get full custody that way he can't reserve the right to complain & question and verbally abuse and harass, while he does nothing. And most importantly, THREE DUIs??? Come on. I'm very worried for my daughter. And I'm not sure spending time with her dad and some chick is the best thing - he has had a slew of them in n out of her life. It's been utterly disgusting. I could SO care less & set him up w a few friends, but he is just super weird about women.
I've felt horrible about the divorce, I think anyone who initiates divorce does, but I didn't want to be in a loveless, sexless, boring marriage - and I didn't want my DD to think that was ok.
Anyway, I just needed to vent. If anyone has advice as far as what to do? I know I've no control or influence on his life. Nor do I want to. But when it comes to my DD, I can't reel in Mama Bear!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
If she is missing her kitty, can the cat live at your place?
Don't have any advice. My ex can't even manage one phone call a week to our son. We live in different states. When ds visits he stays with his grandparents; my ex is totally unfit to care for a child.
I can't imagine their house is a healthy environment for minors, especially a special needs child. Maybe you could consult with a lawyer about getting full custody. Seems like with 3 DUIs you have plenty of grounds.
I started going to Alanon last year, it has helped me a lot in dealing with my ex's nonsense and all the ensuing stress.
Don't have any advice. My ex can't even manage one phone call a week to our son. We live in different states. When ds visits he stays with his grandparents; my ex is totally unfit to care for a child.
I can't imagine their house is a healthy environment for minors, especially a special needs child. Maybe you could consult with a lawyer about getting full custody. Seems like with 3 DUIs you have plenty of grounds.
I started going to Alanon last year, it has helped me a lot in dealing with my ex's nonsense and all the ensuing stress.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
If he's breaking the divorce agreement by having his GF move in, take him back to court and have the custody adjusted. A woman who has lost custody of her three children is not good company for your DD.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Peoria, IL
Posts: 32
That's what I'm thinking. Supposedly - and this is coming from my ex-husband - she came to our area a few years ago to care for her sick father and the kids didn't want to leave their school. But that was years ago and she's still here. She has them every other weekend and summers? I'm not really sure. I'm concerned bc his behavior has changed A LOT since meeting her. He suddenly has week-long trips he didn't have before. His lies aren't matching up.
I know you are probably picturing a real piece of work...but he is usually boring, works in IT for a huge corp, pleated khakis and a tucked in button down. A prep, lol. Suburbia at it's finest. Would still wear his cell phone on that clip thing if I hadn't told him it was like a woman repellant. I met him after my boyfriend of 2 years left me 2 weeks after my father passed. He took everything but the stereo and my flip out cushion "bed" from college. I would lay on the floor and listen to Counting Crows "Colorblind" on repeat. My friends drug me out, I was at a bar and my XAH met through mutual friends. I wasn't attracted to him but he asked me out (over email) and I thought, why not? He was friends with eventual boyfriends and husbands of my BFFs. He was a horrible kisser, I was so turned off. I tried to break up with him a couple times. I'd NEVER been more pursued, adored, spoiled - coming from a FOO who was just the opposite. He had a good job. Was different. I wanted the opposite of the guy who left me and boy did I get it.
if she is living there, her 3 kids are going to live with my ex, with my DD there? He's already had 4-5 women living in & out over 8 years. They have been nice women, I think he makes them crazy bc they want to get married & he doesn't.
Anyway, honestly if I just say I'm keeping her he will be fine.
So in writing this, I realized it's a blessing he doesn't feel like seeing her.
Thank you for letting me rant
. This forum has helped me so much in a short time
I know you are probably picturing a real piece of work...but he is usually boring, works in IT for a huge corp, pleated khakis and a tucked in button down. A prep, lol. Suburbia at it's finest. Would still wear his cell phone on that clip thing if I hadn't told him it was like a woman repellant. I met him after my boyfriend of 2 years left me 2 weeks after my father passed. He took everything but the stereo and my flip out cushion "bed" from college. I would lay on the floor and listen to Counting Crows "Colorblind" on repeat. My friends drug me out, I was at a bar and my XAH met through mutual friends. I wasn't attracted to him but he asked me out (over email) and I thought, why not? He was friends with eventual boyfriends and husbands of my BFFs. He was a horrible kisser, I was so turned off. I tried to break up with him a couple times. I'd NEVER been more pursued, adored, spoiled - coming from a FOO who was just the opposite. He had a good job. Was different. I wanted the opposite of the guy who left me and boy did I get it.
if she is living there, her 3 kids are going to live with my ex, with my DD there? He's already had 4-5 women living in & out over 8 years. They have been nice women, I think he makes them crazy bc they want to get married & he doesn't.
Anyway, honestly if I just say I'm keeping her he will be fine.
So in writing this, I realized it's a blessing he doesn't feel like seeing her.
Thank you for letting me rant
. This forum has helped me so much in a short time Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Journal, journal, journal. Keep track of everything. Try to text only w/him, and print them out and save them. My advise from a few different attorneys when I was afraid I was going to have to fight for custody of my girls. Print out his past offenses, your state should have a database you can access that you can print out this info. That will save you time and $ later if you have to go to court.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Good Luck and God Bless!
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