Janq

My husband became abusive while drinking during the past year. It took me time to figure out what was going on and what I should do. Eventually, I left him. This is what I don't understand, though. There were a few episodes of physical and sexual violence against me by him when he was drunk. It was hard for me to leave because we have a child and other personal circumstances are challenging; also, the cycle of abuse was confusing and it took time to see and understand and be able to leave.

During this time I had a friend who knew most of what was going on. She made me promise her that if I ever came home and he was really drunk, I'd leave (just get out of the house, to be safe). I agreed. I fully intended to keep the promise. I figured I could just take the keys and car and go and come back the next day.

Then one day I came home and he was very drunk. The first thing he did when I came in the house was scary (picked me up and carried me over to the sofa and put me down there though I asked him not to and to just let me go). I didn't leave, though, even though I knew he was very drunk and out of control. Our child was at home and I was concerned about that but should have been able to take her with me. I was extremely scared of him in that condition. For some reason, I didn't even think of the promise I had made or the fact that I was supposed to and had agreed to leave if I came home to him drunk or he became too drunk while I was there because when he's like that he's hurt me more than once. But I didn't even think of it. It didn't even enter my head.

That night was very bad, bad things happened; I was more afraid than I have ever been in my life and I did leave him. But by then other bad things had happened (verbal abuse and violence from him against me).

Why didn't I get up and leave right after I knew he was drunk and he picked me up and carried me around? I was so scared at that moment, so why didn't I leave? Why did I not even think of the promise I had made and the plan I supposedly had to get out of the house?

I feel shame because I knew better. I feel deep guilt because the fact that I got hurt again hurt my friend because she cares about me.

Please help me understand why I did this. I've searched my brain for answers and all I get is a blank. I have no idea why I didn't walk out right away. I know that I was very frightened, but I didn't even remember the promise/plan. I don't know what to think about myself. I have no excuse for my behavior. I don't understand.

redatlanta

I am sorry this happened to you.

I have not had experience with this type of abuse, so for now I don't have a comment other than to say I am glad you are out.

And at the end of the day - that is what is important.

Katchie

Jan
First, I'm so glad your and your child left that horrible unsafe situation. It took a lot of strength to leave.
I can hear your distress about decisions made and not made during such an awful ordeal. Perhaps you can find a therapist to help you sort this all out and help you heal? Don't beat yourself up about why and what if. Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to leave when many who find themselves in the same spot can't for whatever reason. Hugs to you!

catlovermi

PLEASE do not blame yourself!

It is not uncommon for a person to freeze up or go blank under extreme fear or stress, especially if they've been ambushed.

I'm so sorry you have had this happen to you.

You then did the right thing and got out. Please know it's common for abusers to cycle back to a "honeymoon" phase where they are apologetic, loving, attentive, and want back into the relationship. Many abused persons get sucked back in during the honeymoon phase, and start a cyclical spiral down into ever worse conditions.

I hope you will get a lot of support here toward your healing and path forward.

Welcome,

CLMI

dandylion

Janq---do not beat-up on yourself. As was just mentioned--it is not uncommon for a person to freeze or go blank under extreme fear or distress.

Overwhelming anxiety or stress can disrupt the normal functioning of the brain. The chemistry of the brain--involving certain stress hormones and neurotransmitters are responsible for this. You have no conscious control over this in such a crisis situation!

It is not your fault that he hurt you. It is his fault that he hurt you.
If you are feeling guilty or responsible, in any way---YOU are blaming the wrong person!!!

You have taken the right action--to remove yourself from that situation, completely.
Take pride in that!

dandylion

Blueskies25

Oh honey, I'm so so sorry to read this and also to read how you're feeling. My STBXAH became physically abusive and emotionally abusive but not sexually and the physical never left marks etc and was rare but I didn't put him out until I discovered his chronic alcoholism. I've asked myself again and again how did I not notice the drinking, why didn't I leave when he first ever displayed physical anger toward me? It's been nearly 9 months now and we are completely no contact. I've had counselling for the entire time and I can only tell you from my own experience that what others are saying is true. Your brain almost sinks into survival when you're in fear. It's only in the last few months that I'm able to admit, recognise and acknowledge the patterns of abuse and also remember my feelings when they happened and tbh, it gives me uncomfortable flashbacks. My counsellor (addiction family support) told me that it's only when you're in a place of safety and peace that we allow ourselves to fully recognise our trauma. And she was right. After 4 months on abusive texts from him (we have two children) he finally stopped after being arrested for a previous assault against me and it was only in the following months that I understood myself a little better and realised that I did what I had to at the time. Please please try to be kind to yourself. You've made yourself and your child safe now. You will eventually find a more peaceful day to day with her and be able to process the things you've been through. I'm sending you hugs and please feel free to pm me. Xx

Janq

Thanks for all the comments - I understand and see now that I was experiencing a survival instinct reaction (and when I go back and think through the events of the night, I see how impossible/dangerous it would have been to try to get out while he was in that condition). I have been able to let go of my guilt and shame.

I am seeing a therapist, which has been good support.

The hardest thing now is what CLMI said above about the honeymoon phase and trying to draw me back in. He is doing absolutely anything and everything and has not had anything to drink since the day after I left (and I feel confident this is true) which is not a very long time but longer than he has abstained in years (I guess at this point about a week). Because we have a child, I keep asking myself if I should go back and if all of the things he's saying and has changed are true and lasting. But with all the bad things that happened, I don't think I can.

Is it true that even though this seems like permanent change for him, it hasn't been enough time to know and it is likely that he will go back to the same old behaviors, especially if I do go back?

In my heart I know I can't go back. I guess I just need support for that because the cycle is so confusing when you are in it - the way things slowly slide to bad and then suddenly there's terrible, but not 12 hours later he is the kindest, nicest, most considerate person ever, saying all the right things and seemingly convinced that that is how everything will be from now on, that there will not be another slide and that he will never drink "that much" again.

This is so hard.

Missus

He has become abusive over the past year - one week of "sobriety" (the quote marks are deliberate - so far he's just "not drinking") isn't going to reverse this. If he's serious, he can wait as long as it takes for you to trust him (assuming you ever do - its not like you have to go back ever if you don't want), and work on himself at the same time. Please take care of yourself and your child, and let him take care of him for now. There's no hurry to fix anything just at this point in time.

Seren

I'm sorry to hear about all you have experienced at the hands of your husband, and I have to agree with Missus above....one week sober against what may have been years of drinking and at least one year of abuse is a drop in the bucket.

Your husband has a life-long struggle ahead of him to achieve and maintain sobriety. If he can prove himself to be changed, non-violent, respectful, loving and sober for more than a year with his behavior -- not just his words -- then perhaps a relationship with him would stand a chance.

Please take good care of yourself--you and your child deserve a peaceful, joyful, serene home.

catlovermi

Janq,

You are smarter, and stronger than you realize.

For one thing, you are doing something tremendously powerful.

Many abusees sit and stew in their own heads when the honeymoon phase hits. So they hear only two voices: the very confused voice in their head, and the extremely powerfully manipulative voice of their abuser trying to reel them back in.

Please know this is part of the PATTERN. This is a well established PATTERN. Because ABUSE comes from certain attitudes and beliefs (even when it only comes out during drunkenness - not all people get abusive when drunk, only ABUSIVE ones.) These attitudes and toxic coping methods DO NOT CHANGE with an apology and a few days without drink.

QUITE THE OPPOSITE - PLEASE BE ALERT. Now, you have an abuser, who is not in control, and ALSO not using their coping escape (drinking). Abuse is all about controlling the other party.

Now, you have an ESCALATING danger, as the abuser gets more and more out of control and feels more and more jittery without their drink. They will play out the honeymoon phase, but if they do not succeed in sucking back in their victim they can become MUCH MORE dangerous.

So here is why you are doing better than you realize:

Most abusers manage to isolate their abused ones, so the only voices the abused one "hears" are their own confused voice, and the very convincing manipulative voice of their abuser, telling them everything they want to hear, to reel them back in.

You are doing the most powerful thing: you are GOING OUT FOR SUPPORT, where you will hear other healthy voices. Voices that can tell you the pattern you are under, and how it works out. Voices than can help support your confused voice, letting you know it's NORMAL for you to be confused and to question whether the manipulator is "all that bad" or "finally changed."

THE PATTERN SAYS NO. THE PATTERN SAYS STAY AWAY, AND GIVE IT PLENTY OF TIME, UNTIL YOUR OWN HEAD IS CLEAR. Most often by then, the abuser decompensates. When this happens, you want to be in a safety zone, physically far away and with a support structure in place.

You are showing great strength to share your doubts with support folks, to hear their support. Your abuser wants to isolate you so he can more effectively brainwash you into believing your doubts. Your support structure, and a local domestic violence hotline can help you see clearly when you are confused, sad, and wanting to believe all the beautiful lies.

Please know there is much support here at SR, and unfortunately many who have been in the SAME abuse pattern you are in.

You are ENTIRELY normal how you are confused, questioning, wanting to believe, hoping it to be true.

But PLEASE know it's ALSO entirely normal that if you get reeled back in, NEXT TIME WILL BE WORSE.

We care about you!

CLMI

FeelingGreat

Hi Janq, you don't go into detail of the abuse, but you mentioned that he has at times used physical and sexual violence against you. This makes him a very dangerous person. Please don't underestimate how dangerous. You would not be doing your child any favours by taking her back into that atmosphere. She would grow up with a distorted idea of what normal relationships are.
I know you're getting counselling, but considering you've been sexually and otherwise assaulted, please consider taking legal steps to prevent him contacting you. It's not an iron clad protection but it will allow you to call the police if contacts you in any way, and gives them immediate grounds to lock him up.
As others have pointed out, the efforts to lure you back are part of a very common pattern of abuse, and it could be disastrous if you give in.
Many people drink too much but your AH combines alcoholism with violence and thats a volatile mix. Please protect yourself.

owly

You got out, and that's the important thing. That took real strength! Nothing would ever justify someone treating you that way, not in a million years.

BlueSkies1

This.

An abuser is the last person to change "overnight", but they are the first to feign and pretend to change overnight.
An abuser needs even longer than most to start seeing just how manipulative they are. They will take longer to see it and change than a non-abusive person, not quicker!
Just wait. Give him a week to two weeks, and I bet he is going to show his ugly side for not getting what he wants as quickly as he wanted it. He is used to easily and successfully pushing you around. If you change that, he isn't going to like it one bit, will get ANGRY, and will become even more intimidating and manipulative to get you to do what he wants, with no regard to what is best for you. No regard for what you want and need whatsoever, although right now he is pretending that that is what he wants to give you. But he is going to put the pressure on, and will get uglier about it, as each week passes.
What an abuser preys on is gullibility to trust again, and uses your love as a weapon against you.
If he really wants to change, he can show you over the course of about 2 years minimum. Seems like a long time? It is. The first year sober is just the battle of getting sober and staying sober. Reprogramming his abusive tendencies is going to take even longer.
What he is doing right now is seeing if he can trick you back into the cycle. Yes, as hard as that is to accept, that is exactly what he is doing. He is uncomfortable that the status quo has been changed by you. You have taken control of your power. He wants you to stop doing that, and will use the sweetest words he can think of.
An abuser is the last person in line to understand humility.

wanttobehealthy

I wont tell you what to do, only what I did...

I left when my now 8 year old was 7 months old, I fell for the promises and honeymoon period and went back. I left again when she was a year and a half old. I fell for the honeymoon period and went back. I had a second child and was emotionally, psychologically and verbally abused during my pregnancy. I left more times than I can count and always returned.

My D's are 6 and 8 now and deeply negatively impacted because of the abuse they witnessed. I left for good nearly 2 years ago and it has been hard but my life is 100% better not being roped into the cycle...

Abusers abuse and then feign being sorry-- mostly they are sorry their actions have resulted in them losing something-- so abusees go back believing the apologies and thinking things will change... And it just gets worse and worse over time.

You are a brave strong woman and mom to have removed yourself and your child from an abusive scary environment. Stay strong. We are all here for you.

Janq

Thank you to everyone. This is what I need to hear. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy. I almost always feel like I am overreacting.

I feel like maybe he is beginning to slide again already (into manipulation, not drinking yet). But the things that bother me or that I notice are such little, slight things. I start to get that sense that something is wrong, and I feel uncomfortable or afraid/anxious. Like a gut feeling of "I'm in trouble." But it's based on instinct and reactions to such small things that I doubt myself, and what he says outwardly sound like exactly the right things.

Thank you for reminding me of all the reasons I can't trust the things he says, and for validating the time frame I had in mind. I told him I would be living apart from him for at least a year. That the trust is so destroyed that that is the minimum time it would take for me to begin to rebuild it. I don't think he believes that I am serious.

BlueSkies1

Good for you Janq!
I am so relieved to hear that one more abused woman is going to stand up for herself and her right to live without abuse.
They prey on gullibility.
He has a lot of growing up to do. Some very serious growing up to do, and growing up is painful for someone like him.
It hurts him to give up his illusion of being in control and that he is going to have to grow up, something he never intended to do if he could get away with not doing it.
He is going to have to learn that he is an immature child in a lot of ways. Humility takes time.

What you are feeling sounds a lot like little red riding hood staring at the sheep holding the basket of goodies...and thinking to herself, there's a wolf under that sheep's clothing, isn't there?
Yes there is.
That manipulation is sneaky as it gets. Very subtle, yet your are picking up on it with that nervous feeling in your stomach.
Trust yourself.

Recovering2

I hope you realize how brave and strong you are right now. This is exactly what your daughter needs.... a Mom who is looking out for her best interest.

You're dealing with 2 separate issues. An abusive spouse...who is also an Alcoholic. While alcohol may fuel his abuse, it's not the cause of his abuse. Sober he will still be an abusive partner. So if he REALLY wants TRUE recovery...he has a looooong road ahead of him to deal with both these issues. Not drinking is NOT recovery, and it won't last long without doing the real work it takes. Just because he's "not drinking" right now doesn't mean he is committed to the long term.

Telling him you need at least a year out of the house is a good thing. It would take him at least a year minimum in real treatment and recovery to start to make any headway...and that's just dealing with the alcoholism.

My fear for you is when he figures out his manipulations to get you back aren't working, his violence may escalate. That too is part of the cycle. Make sure you have taken steps to protect yourself. Have your own bank account, credit card, etc. You would benefit from talking to someone at your local DV hotline. They are the experts at helping you take the next right steps. Consider an order of protection so you have something in writing should you need to call the police.

Keep posting here. We all want you safe and will walk through this with you.