NorthofWest

Moreso how it impacts me.

He is in my dreams every night. Sometimes I am searching for him. Sometimes its him turning things back around on me for questioning his behavior. Other times, I wake up thinking over and over 'he left me, he left me'....like he left me to deal with losing the pregnancy by myself.

I also find myself looking at police reports every day for shootings and other criminal activities because after the loss, he bought a house (in addition to a brand new car) in kind of a bad neighborhood. I feel like the purchase was a hasty decision and not thought through and spending all that money was a way for him to cope.

And then a I feel a teeny bit guilty because it's like, did I make his alcoholism worse? I know, i know, I am not responsible for his behavior but I can't help but think that I should have never told him in the first place that i was pregnant let alone had lost it.

Hammer

WHEN you grow weary of this:

Alanon + Sponsor + Steps = Better, Cleaner, YOU . . . . without all this in your life and mind.

But no rush on that. Really. Take your time and sort it through.

Best to you.

=====

But relating on the more personal --

My dreams were Pony Tails. Big Pony Tails on Adult Women still can set me off. Sitting in church today, I took my glasses off so I would not watch them.

Dream goes like this . . . .

It is a clear starry night over a high mountain meadow. I am out there looking around and "my little pony" type comes galloping over to me -- bushy pony tail, round butt. Mrs. Hammer, as she were. After a while three other ponies (the kids) come up and we play all night in the meadow.

ooohhhhhh.

Ok. enough of that. NorthofWest, you are going to relapse me.

Again, Best to you.

NorthofWest

thank you hammer !
I wish i could detach myself from it all. All morning I've been going over things that happened in the past and how there were little signs that something wasnt right.
And it makes me sad that hes not facing what happened and being self-destructive instead....drinking too much, going out/sleeping with other women....lord knows what sort of drugs he's taking besides the xanax that he doesnt have a prescription for. And if you met him, you'd never know. He has a great job, is good looking, in shape/works out, sooo charming.

next therapy session is on thursday

Live

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

Glad you are in therapy, that will help so much along with time and distance.
It's little wonder we are left with a great deal of confusion from being with an addict, as none of it makes any sense.

NorthofWest

thank you so much.
I keep remember little lies he would tell me. Its so weird....like this little part of my brain was closed off and now the flood gates open and I remember SO much. Scary.

Do any of you think he will come back around when he's ready? I mean, we've known each other for 3 years and there was the pregnancy....or does that not matter to A's? Like he doesn't want to ever be reminded of how he treated me after the loss? I dont know what i would even say if he did come back....and i shouldnt even think about it.

I think it was part of the article Hammer posted that I read it's not until you separate yourself and find a place of peace and safety that you are able to fully realize your trauma. I think that's where i'm at right now.

Hawkeye13

I think you shouldn't spend your life waiting for him to come back--none of us can know if he will, maybe including him.

I can promise you that if he continues his addiction, he won't be able to keep fooling everyone around him with good looks, good job, etc..
Addiction is progressive, and it will progress as is its nature.

You are enough for yourself--let go and build forward momentum in your own life, and
you will be amazed at how little it matters what he does or doesn't do.

Hard to believe right now when you are hurting, but you will heal and this will pass.
I'm sorry it is so difficult right now.

NorthofWest

i feel like i am and maybe its because there was a baby involved. :/ I know I shouldn't and that if he DID, it would be so unhealthy and this endless spiral.

ive made better strides when it comes to checking up on him. I have him blocked on fb, his number has been gone for MONTHS. And I feel better about having him blocked. Before it was so...scary. Like it was so final...the end of the world. But now, not so much.