Worried0810

Something hit me right now and I'm concerned because I don't know if it means that I've fallen out of love or because my detachment is working.
I'm waiting for him to come home from work. Usually on a Saturday, I used to worry that he'd maybe go and buy a legal high. I know that he'd definitely buy alcohol or ask me to go out later for him.
I was thinking about what I would do if he came home with beer or if I caught him with drugs again. And I just don't care if he did or not. I would pack a bag and leave, but I feel that he can do whatever he wants, I just don't care.
Is this detachment? I have recognised now that I can't do a damn thing to stop his drinking or other 'activities'. I have asked him to stop drinking and if he can't respect those wishes then there's no future. But is it right to feel such a lack of feelings?

dandylion

Worried--feelings, in themselves, are neither right or wrong. The just are--and they are valid. It is how we handle what we feel that makes a difference.

dandylion

tootsl1

When I began feeling that with my AXH, it was the beginning of the end. I had fallen out of love, and I was preparing myself to end the marriage.
That was me, I'm not saying it is you.

ladyscribbler

For me I knew it meant the end also. I was done trying to help/control/fix him. At the time I felt guilty, but now I realize that was a healthy way to feel and it helped me make a healthy choice for the first time in a long time.
And he did try to make me feel I was doing something wrong, accusing me of "walking out on him" and asking me what happened to the girl he fell in love with.
I told him "you drank her away."
The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference.

biminiblue

It is what you need right now.

I also got to that place. Soon after I ended it. Though painful for a short while, the end was much better than the being in it.

airwick

I got to that point, and I've moved on. I don't think it is that I have fallen out of love with the man I've been with for 13 years, I think it just reached that point in our remationship that it was hurting me too much. And yes, like you are feeling, I didn't care.

I just was sick of trying, sick of listening, tired of it all. I will always care for my XAH and if he ever needed help, be there for him. But, I couldn't and wouldn't allow him to take me with him

embraced2000

when these times happened for me during my relationship with xah, at first I thought I had just went "numb", because my psyche just couldn't stand one more thing.

looking back, it is obvious for me that it was not detachment as described in the rooms of al-anon, because I had no idea what detachment really was.

what I learned was that I was just coping by any means I could. when I learned about detachment, I had a rough go putting into practice.

found out detachment hurt like hell. and it was only because I didn't know squat about how to use it.

I have come to understand, that for myself, coping was detachment on an instinctive level...and detachment, once learned, was coping on steroids!

FireSprite

It sounds a lot like Acceptance to me - that you are accepting your limits of control over his drinking/using & know that you have a boundary in place to leave if the situation arises.

I don't think it's that you have a lack of feelings for him, but a resurgence of love for yourself & your own sanity. Sounds really healthy to me!!

Worried0810

Thanks for all your advice! I just feel really confused. He keeps saying things that gets my back up. I was singing 'Single Ladies' because it was on the TV and he said, 'I'm a single man' so I said, 'Well, why are you still here then?' So he started going on about how my advice was good and that he should move out. What? So he took a shower and is now sulking in the bedroom. Bloody child! Is he wanting to end things and is too scared to? I'm getting so frustrated with everything. Not even half an hour before the single thing, he was cuddling up to me on the couch!

desypete

he doesnt want to end it at all lol he is sitting there sulking wanting you to put your arms around him and make him feel you want him, he is testing you out in his mind, and his head is telling him you dont want him otherwise you would be all over him,
you hit the nail on the head he is a big child and the sad thing is the more you dont show him you care the more he will slam a door to force you to care
its a really hard bit of growing up that alcoholic have to face and its painful big time
i have heard many say they couldn't live with a sober alcoholic and they wanted the drunk one back again
anyway it made me smile when i read that he is sulking in his bedroom as it so reminded me of me
i hope things come good for you all