asm505

So I made the decision that I was leaving my husband even though he said he was getting help this time. We have not been connected for a long time and there are many other issues such as him being jealous, lack of communication, lack of empathy, self centered.....

He came tonight to pick something up and I felt like I was maybe just a little glad to see him but more than anything my daughter was EXCITED. She cried when he left.

Just yesterday when he was here we had a convo about the drinking (which he hasn't done for about 3 weeks now) but my fear is he will start again or is only doing this to get me to stay. when we were talking I said to him, how many times have I told you not to drink in the middle of the day on the weekend. Because once he starts, he doesn't stop. His response was, what is the big deal if we aren't going anywhere. I said, it was 3 in the afternoon and you were feeling the affects of alcohol. He said, its not like I was being mean to you.

What is your take on this conversation? To me, it sounds like he is trying to justify it and not that he really feels like it is a PROBLEM.

What if I am making a big mistake breaking up my family. Sometimes I am so sure of my decision and then I start to get indecisive again.... but we always end up back in this same place over and over again. Why is that?

Some times I can see myself living very happily without him in my own place, my own rules, my own opinions and then the little voice says, but what if there is still love there...or is it just guilt? How is it so hard for a grown woman to know if she loves her husband enough to stay and make it work? I know I care about him but am I IN love with him, I really don't think so but is that enough reason to break up my family? Why could he not make us his priority when I was willing to stay and work on it? I begged for marriage counseling and he would go once and say that he was being blasted so he wasn't going again. Why? Why? Why?

I will say that even from the very beginning, we never had a WONDERFUL relationship. If it wasn't great from the beginning and alcohol was a problem then, is that enough to continue walking? Why couldn't he have taken me more serious a few months ago when I said THIS IS IT. NO MORE CHANCES.

suki44883

Usually, alcoholics feel like their drinking doesn't affect anyone other than themselves. They don't realize it is a family issue. Even if they sometimes say they're sorry, they're generally just saying that because they know you're upset about something, but all in all, they don't believe their drinking is a problem for them, so why on earth should it be a problem for you?

Many of us love alcoholics. Just because we can't live with them doesn't mean we don't love them. We have to do what is best for ourselves and if there are children involved, we have to be the responsible parent and put their well-being first.

CodeJob

It is a difficult decision. Alcoholism is progressive. Hugs.

asm505

What if this time he is serious and I'm walking? But if he is justifying it, is he really serious? Will this be like every other time that he behaves for a while then slowly goes back to bad behavior? He hasn't drank for 3 weeks now...

lizatola

3 weeks is a drop in the bucket, just my humble opinion. My AH can go months without drinking and pick right back up where he left off. Most of the time you will hear folks say that a 1 year separation while both work on their recoveries is ideal. Is that what most folks actually do? Probably not, because what works for one family may not work for another. I say, trust your gut. Answer your own questions: what if he is serious? Well, so what? You can re-evaluate in the future and see where you guys are in 3 months or 6 months or whenever works for you. What if he's just playing games with you (pretty typical of alcoholics) and he's working you to get you to pity him, well then, you'll have to decided AGAIN that you want out or want him out, etc. You don't want to do that to your kids, either, I'm sure. You know where you take him back, he drinks again and you get mad, ask him to leave, he sobers up for a month, you take him back, etc.

What about your daughter? What do you think is best for her? I'll be honest, I'm still living with my alcoholic husband but it's not happy. I constantly waver between whether I should stay or go or kick him out, etc. I'm just passing on what I've read here and what's been told to me a few hundred times.

asm505

And I should say, with him being gone for the past week, I hate to say that I really have not missed him being here. We lived like room mates rarely engaging one another. So if I LOVED him, and it was worth the struggle, wouldn't I miss him?

suki44883

If he's serious about it this time, then that will be revealed as time goes on. You don't have to divorce him right now. You can just separate and see how things go. Three weeks may sound like a long time, but it really isn't. If he can maintain sobriety for a year and is working a recovery program during that time, you can always consider trying again. Nothing is permanent. But, you and the children deserve a peaceful life in the meantime.

Chelsea1029

I know I really struggled with this decision and it really helped to separate from the situation- it was so much easier to see clearly what was best. It doesn't make it easy but it really helped. If he's serious you will know even if you are apart for awhile. It's really hard to make a healthy decision when you are living it everyday.

asm505

My gut tells me this is it. My heart isn't in it and I really think that when I see him I just get sick because I know he is hurting. My gut tells me that if I agree to try again, I will regret it within the first week.

asm505

Also I should say that I feel like he holds me back in many areas of my life. For instance, I stopped going to business mixers because I would come home to attitude because he gets insecure. Right now he is engaging with the girls when he sees them but when he was living here, it would be nothing for him to sit on the couch and not hear a word they were saying because he was too focused on the TV. Maybe I am just looking for more reasons to justify my decision. But honestly the main reason for my decision is that we are not and have not been emotionally connected for a very long time. I have been wanting to work on it and get closer but I always got resistance.

Mags1

Hi Asm. sounds like your gut instincts are letting you know you've been down this road again, what's different this time? What's different this time Asm?

One step forward , three steps back, can go on for a long time, even forever. You decide what's best for you and your sons.

All the best xx

Hammer

well . . . . *we* do not really work on them here or Alanon . . . and as you are discovering it would not really matter if you tried.

So what we do here and in Alanon is work on *us.*

To concisely answer your question above -- my take on that conversation . . . Sounds like *you* are trying to mess with HIS problem. That generally does not yield much in the line of Good.

What does tend to produce Good Results is when *we* work on *us* and let the A's work on the A's (or not).

If you are interested in that, we can go a LOT deeper.

Andrea415

It's obvious from his answers that he loves alcohol more than you, and that should be enough to help you make a decision. I agree that 3 weeks is nothing. If you can afford it, and if he is not making your life hell in the process, stick to your decision-just my opinion. I envy you, I wish I was strong enough to walk away. Just think About all that you I'll not have to deal with on a daily basis.

dandylion

asm505---there is much more to a family than just keeping all the heads under one roof.

dandylion

asm505

The only thing that is different this time is that he is not drinking. But how long will that last and if he continues to not drink, that is not going to magically fix our problems. He is not in a formal treatment program or AA, just going to a support group at the church that is for more than alcoholism. Could be eating, gambling, smoking...

asm505

I think I understand what you are saying but can you elaborate?

My thing is that he keeps telling me the last few years weren't that bad and that he loved me and the girls. Ok, every day wasn't bad and he didn't beat me or the girls but emotionally we fell apart. Yeah he is trying the drinking thing again which is fine but what about the other issues that he can't even acknowledge. This has been a painful process and to back down and go back to only be here again would be horrible.
Each and every time I back down and say that I will try again, I regret it pretty quickly. I just don't know that I love him like I should anymore. I think those feelings diminished so much over the years.

Feeling very confused. How can I be so sure of my decision one minute and not the next. I think it is guilt. Guilt over hurting him, guilt because my daughter was crying. guilt, guilt, guilt. I keep thinking that if this is meant to be, it shouldn't be so hard. Its not like we had this happen once before, we have been here many times. I debated leaving so many times over the past 3 or 4 years.

asm505

I guess I am trying to determine if he is 100% serious about getting sober at this point and honestly in terms of our love/relationship from my stand point, I don't know if it would even really matter. I need to decide if the best thing for me is to walk away and while I thought I knew that, I am having a moment of doubt. But I also have doubt that going back even if he isn't drinking will make things good enough.

dandylion

asm---can you please tell me what you understand of what I said in the post, above? Then, I will better know WHERE to elaborate.

dandylion

asm505

I think what you are saying is that even if he does quit drinking, we stay together, it doesn't mean that we are a healthy, happy family.

I worry that even if we stay together, I won't have the loving supportive husband that I envision. Maybe it's me that has the problem. Maybe I expect too much. We have lived parallel lives for so long...more like a room mate. Yes, he said the last two weeks he talked about having a date night but I was reluctant...true, but one reason was time during the week is not possible, weekend: yes. And two, I think I knew my heart was done at that point. I just don't want to admit it to myself. What if I make this major decision and later regret it? Then I guess that is something that I need to own, chew and swallow....

Some of the major issues in our relationship is: communication, he is always so negative and usually just unhappy, I don't feel like me and the girls are first priority, jealous, discounts my feelings/concerns, doesn't actively listen when I talk. Yes, he is listening but not LISTENING.

missboots

Why do we do that? I'm not judging you, please don't think that. But before I left my AH I would say maybe I expect too much. But a husband should make us feel like top priority, like we're trusted and cherished and listened to. I don't think active alcoholics and newly (maybe) recovering alcoholics can provide that. Your girls will be fine. My parents split up and I'd cry sometimes when my dad left but at least I didn't have a childhood with two tense, sick parents.