Butterfly

I have fleeting moments where I become so angry with my AH that if he was in the room with me at that time I could cause him some damage. But as quick as the anger surfaces it disappears again just as quickly. Why can't I stay angry with him??

I am constantly wondering how someone who supposedly loves me could hurt me like this and I know the alcoholic only thinks of themselves and drink and will remove anything they see as a barrier to their drinking but it's not easy to understand why if someone loves you so much and wants to spend their life with you they wouldn't seek help. I know that the alcoholics mind isn't as rational

He admitted tonight that he wants to drink more than he wants to be with me!! While I appreciate his honesty it felt as though he had taken a knife and stuck it straight into my heart!! I keep wondering how he could make all these promises about getting help then walk out. Although he says he wants to be on his own he is doing everything he can so he's not on his own although he is moving into his new place soon but even then he's talking about hooking up again with old friends who are not very nice people. When he associated with these people before it almost broke our marriage because of his level of drinking when with them and my anxieties that he would leave (which he did at that time approx 2 years ago). Of course when he first left he told me no one would be round drinking with him. I was not that stupid to believe him. He surrounds himself with drinkers people who tell him he doesn't have a drink problem there's nothing wrong with having a few beers!

I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter who he's with these are his choices and he has to live with them. But I find myself obsessing about where he is and who he is with and whether he is drinking. It's the same with knowing he's in love with me I struggle with if he is how can he hurt me this way. I try to tell myself it doesn't matter how he feels about me because he's not here he has chosen to leave so he can do what he wants when he wants.......drink but I keep coming back the issue about love and surely he will come to his senses and realise the mistake he's made. I think about him constantly wondering if he's thinking about me missing me or regrets his decision hoping that he regrets his decision. I know he doesn't. Although he says this is better for me in the long run what he really means is that it is better for him as he doesn't have to face up to any responsibilities and face his demons.

I just can't seem to move on and focus on me. I go through the motions of doing what I have to do for my kids but I am so lonely and depressed (Dr has me on anti depressants and waiting to see a counsellor) about everything that has happened and all he says is sorry!!!! I have no energy no motivation and I have completely lost my appetite. I am devastated by what he has done and how he has managed it all. I mean he told me over the phone that he was leaving 18 years together and I get told over the phone!!! He won't talk about it and has only met with me once to talk things through. He says he's trying to figure things out but I don't see how and I certainly haven't had any more answers from him. He won't see me now because it's too 'upsetting for us both". I know I will never get the answers I need but I don't know how to even begin to move past this and give up hope that he will change despite everything screaming at me that he has no intention of giving up alcohol. So why am I hopelessly hoping he will come to his senses. How do you move on and accept that he wants alcohol more than me and at this time he's not ready to seek help and may never be?

I feel stupid for believing all his promises and I still tell him I will always love him and I'm here for him any time when he wants to talk. I am all over the place I still cry every day although it's not from the moment I wake up in the morning until I go to sleep suppose that's progress. It's the constant thoughts running round in my head and the fear of a future on my own. I have never felt I deserve happiness and I am in loveable I even went through a period when I didn't believe I deserved my husband...idiot!!!!

I just don't know where to start and how to block the thoughts of him, obsessing about why this has happened, how he feels about me and if he really feels that way how can he hurt me and what he's doing out of my mind. They are constant!!

Sorry for rambling and thank you for listening.

paige73

You sound like me about 10 years ago. I'm sure I won't be much help to you, I haven't been to Alanon yet, so can't really advise you in what you should do.

I can tell you that I had to protect my heart. I had to accept that he did love alcohol more then me and the kids, for whatever reason you want to chalk it up to.

The ultimate selfishness of alcoholism, IMO, is the root of the "disease". Don't wait for him to put you first, don't let your hapiness depend on him....if you do, you will be misreable.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this.

Recovering2

I'm sorry you're going through this. It will make you c r a z y trying to figure out why an A does what he does. They do what they do and say what they say because they are Alcoholics. It won't make sense...ever.

What are you doing for you? A long hot soak in the tub? A quiet evening at home with a good book (Melody Beattie books)? Lunch with a friend? Are you in Alanon??? If not, that would be my suggestion to you. You are not going to figure this all out alone. You will gets LOTS of support from people who have been in your shoes, they will help you focus on YOU.

thotful

I think it's perfectly acceptable to grieve your loss. My own personal loss through estrangement with two of my brothers is still painful even though it's been years. I feel sad - I feel lonely - I feel frustrated - I feel rejected - I feel betrayed. Feeling unlovable and undeserving is normal too - those are the feelings of shame, in my opinion. The question is how you deal with the feelings and how you move forward. Have you got something like Al-Anon? This forum is awesome as well, of course!

When it comes to caring more about the alcohol than you, please consider this possibility. He also cares more about the alcohol than he cares about himself. You're not the only victim in it. It's no prize/reward for him to have his alcohol without complaints from you (even if that's the argument he makes!). The drinking is more important than actually living. Sadly, some alcoholics get to that point that death finds them before they finally decide that they've found their limit, finally crossed their own boundary, found their own bottom. Thus, it's not just you that the disease of alcoholism is beating up and hurting. I feel much compassion for the both of you. His communication is probably pure sh** about it all because the alcohol messes with his brain and you can't trust much of what the active addict has to say. Admittedly, whenever I speak to the active addicts in my life, it's extremely difficult to know if I'm talking to my loved one...or just the disease. The disease is THAT powerful. Like the story of Jekyl and Hyde. Drinking a "potion" to become someone else. Jekyl tries to cut back and can't...and he even discovers that Hyde starts coming out when Jekyl hasn't taken any potion (not sure if that's in the book, but I'm just trying to make a point here). I wish that my family member's just changed form so I could know - oh, that's Hyde talking - walk away now! It is very heartbreaking to see Jekyl losing the battle against Hyde. While Hyde chuckles at you with disdain (he's a real A-hole).

Taking care of you is the only solution that most of us find that works. It is simply because this battle is not ours to take on. It's an inner struggle your loved one is fighting. My heart is with you! You are valuable, important and wonderful and deserve to receive kindness, love, support, acceptance, etc. The first person that has to give you kindness, love, support, and acceptance is YOU. YOU. I definitely feel the pangs of wanting to help others too (if I could reach into your brain and give you serenity/peace - I would - I give myself some too!). Feeling kindness, love, support, acceptance towards myself can only be accomplished by me. That's my first priority. I have VERY little love to give to the world if I can't love me.

P.S. The same will go for the active addict. Without much love for himself, he will have very little love to give. Very sad, certainly. But we can't give the addict the inner-love and acceptance they need. That's up to them.

Just my two cents. My experience, strength, and hope. Only suggestions.

owly

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It can be like a kick in the gut to realize that a loved one puts higher priority on drinking than on being with us. It just plain stinks. You're right that his behavior isn't rational. Your feelings about your AH's behavior are okay. It's also okay that you love him, but that love can't fix or transform him.

It's hard for us to be kind to ourselves when we're constantly treated as unimportant by the addicts in our lives. (And it's hard to stay angry when we're conditioned over time to feel sorry for them.) What can you do today that you will enjoy, even if it's only for a little thing? Make it important to do some things purely for yourself. It sure won't fix the situation, but even a few minutes of mental relief may help you feel a little more centered. Sometimes I have to focus on just stringing together enough small good moments to get me through the day. And I have to remind myself not to give my energy to people who don't/can't reciprocate.
You're worth every bit as much as he is, and your happiness is important, too. Hold your own heart in a place of honor.

FeelingGreat

Hi Confused, I have been through a time of enormous grief and obsessive thoughts, where I cried every day for a couple of years. It doesn't magically go away by itself.

All I can say from my own experience is that if you keep doing the hard work, counselling, doctor, physical exercise such as walking, joining some activities you enjoy, and keeping contact to the minimum with your AH, eventually you will come out of this. It takes time, and it always seems like a long time if it's ahead of you, but one day you'll suddenly realise you're feeling alive again. That's a huge confidence booster.

The alternative is to stay stuck in the past, constantly mourning your loss, obsessing about what AH is thinking. I don't want to sound harsh, but my sister chose to do this, and the results were disastrous for her.

Does any local organisation run 'moving on' courses? Or a course for women who are suddenly on their own? These types of courses have helped friends of mine immensely, and they have met many other people and made good friends. I met my best (female) friend at one 20 years ago.