paige73

OK, I've been trying to detach....but there is a fine line between this detaching and what is reasonable to expect in a marriage.

My husband went to treatment a week ago. His last message to me was that he arrived safe and would check in asap.

It's been a week, I've heard nothing from him or the treatment center.

Life is still happening, what would happen if, God forbid, an accident happened? How would I communicate with him?

Is it unreasonable for me to think that a phone call from either him or his therapist should have occured? I don't need a phone call daily, just maybe "hey, I'm still alive...I'll check in next week".

fedup3

Paige, if your husband is thinking of you he won't last long at rehab. His whole being needs to be centered on his recovery because it's a matter of life or death.

AnvilheadII

back in the day, ALL treatment centers had a mandatory black out period where NO outside contact was allowed. clients were not allowed to bring any types of electronic equipment either (ok, not that we HAD any back in the days where dinosaurs still roamed the earth). it's possible that this center has a similar policy. it is for the patient's BENEFIT....so that they can focus on what is really important - detoxing and getting their head on straight.

OR......he never made it to treatment. right, like you need to hear that but it is what it is. if you know which center he went to you could call - they probably won't tell you much due to confidentiality, but you could leave a message.

dandylion

paige---are you feeling like you are, perhaps, low priority to him?

If you have an accident or something really bad happens--you could notify the Center and they would tell him. And, likewise, I am sure. They always have to notify the next-of-kin.

I think your feelings are typical. However, I think that you should be forewarned that if you have your hopes hanging on sweetness and l ight when he returns from rehab----you might want to do a bit of reading, here on the forum, beforehand.

The period of early recovery is usually pretty rocky for all involved. Getting involved in your own program before he returns would help you for when the going gets rough.

I'm just saying that it is best to be prepared.....

dandylion

wanttobehealthy

I never had a spouse who attempted to recover so I cant speak to that, but it seems to me that checking in to say hello and that he's alive at least once in the last week would be courteous.....

Starshines

You have every right to be upset, I would be too. I don't know much about treatment centers, but it could be that he had to surrender his phone and belongings at the beginning. I have heard of that happening so that the patient didn't have any contact with people which might jeopardize the treatment. He may want to call but just isn't able to right now. If you're really concerned, you might be able to call the center to find out if he's still there. I'm not sure how much they'll tell you with the confidentiality laws or what kind of rights you have, but it's worth a shot.

Good luck.

Mango blast

My husband wasn't allowed cell phones, any other electronic devices or outside books, and had a long period at the beginning where he wasn't allowed to call out or receive calls in. Later on everyone had a max of 10 minutes to call out during a certain time period, sharing two phones per floor.

It was actually easier for both of us when were couldn't talk to each other. Some days he didn't call, and at first I'd be preparing to talk to him and then I'd have to deal with not having that call. Usually because their day was full between group meetings, lectures, homework, individual meetings, AA meetings, etc. and something ran late.

Call the rehab center, verify that he checked in. Send a card in the mail to him, perhaps with a photo or two.

I agree that this time needs to be self-focused for himself.

Does the rehab have a family program? One of the things we learned is not to concentrate on trust, as that implies failed expectations and judgement if it's broken. Belief in somebody is different, as someone doesn't need to be perfect to be deserving of belief in their abilities or themselves as a person.

Have you gone to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery yet? Both great programs. It's good to find ways to put our own recovery first. It was really hard for me to do, but so necessary.

paige73

OK....how weird is this? He just sent me a text message. He said he just got out of detox and they were taking him to the treatment center now, getting ready to take his phone again and would call this evening.

I am aware of the detox process, I just detoxed 2 people last week from alcohol. My concern is that when a pt is unable to make medical decisions for themselves, medical professionals must communicate with next of kin or a surrogate, etc.

No, he doesn't have to talk to me daily...I realize he must focus on treatment, etc....I hold NO delusions about this fixing him, been there and done that. I can't remember how many times he's been before 5 or 6 times, all with the same result, he's unwilling to keep the work up when he isn't made to do it in a controlled setting like treatment. It's actually a break for me when he's in treatment.

I was just concerned, because normally, I have gotten somesort of communication within the first 3-5 days.

paige73

Oh, and before he texted me... I called the "family" hotline, because yes, they do have a family program. The person couldn't talk to me because of HIPPA. I know it's not her fault, I have to deal with it everyday...I just think that they need to do better with their intake assessment.

Rant over! And YES, I am going to do Alanon while he's gone, I'm excited about it. Although I have daydreams about me sitting in the parking lot and watching the peeps go into the meeting...and seeing if there's anyone that will know me before I go in, lol!

fedup3

Wow Paige, been there done that. My x went a number of times to detox and rehab and he's still drinking, I pray this time works for yours. I've also done the same thing at Al Anon and sat outside waiting until I thought everyone was in just in case someone I knew showed up, ugh.

paige73

I know, pathetic huh? I really want to go and I've been reading alot, which I realize doesn't take the place of attending a meeting. I live in a small community....I'm a RN at the local hospital, I just don't want the "stigma" attached with having him as my husband. I don't want anyones "pity".

He currently lives in another state, we are seperated (more so due to employment)....he lost a very good job here and we ended up moving to 600 miles away for him a new job, after a year I told him I was moving back home, mostly because of his drinking.

He's home on the weekends, because that's all he can string together "dry" and I won't tolerate him here drunk....so, I'm not doing too bad detaching, I don't think. But I do realize the codie traits that developed over the last 17 yrs of our marriage and am really trying to deal with them.

AnvilheadII

alanon isn't about pity.....it's about community. you'll be fine. there is no stigma, you are simply a person seeking support in challenging times. no shame, you leave that at the door!

paige73

See....and the normal part of me KNOWS this, lol...it's the messed up part that doesn't, lol!

fedup3

I've been divorced from my x going on three yrs now. He just gave up trying and is in the end stage of alcoholism. We still talk at least once a week but I keep myself detached with love for him. I'm hope the best for you and your husband.

Mango blast

Paige, isn't that ironic? Maybe you only need to vent a bit and he'll text. Will he have his cell phone with him now?

You and your husband may have already done this, but have you looked into a sober housing program for after rehab? Does he usually go right back to drinking after rehab or does he stay sober for a bit?

That doesn't sound pathetic or strange about Alanon. It sounds pretty normal!! Isn't it a normal symptom that codies might have a hard time reaching out for help?
Getting through the door is the hardest part. If you don't want to go to a local meeting, look at others a bit further away. I've gone to several different Alanon and Celebrate Recovery groups. I like all of them but one, and that one probably wouldn't be that bad if it was my only option.

AnvilheadII

See....and the normal part of me KNOWS this, lol...it's the messed up part that doesn't, lol!

so the normal part of you hitches up her big girl panties and takes the hand of the little messed up part of you and off you go! you can go together!

paige73

faith- So, here's MY side of things...."we" have it all planned out about going to rehab, he wants to go, I want him to go, he's ready.....we make "plans" for it to happen and agree that we will be on board all the way. Then he jumps ship, does things his own way and generally makes a mess of things. These "messes" are the "reasons" that he doesn't follow through...

For instance...

This time....He wants to move back home (from TN to WV), we know that he will need to quit his very good job and that job opportunities are slim here, but we are in agreement that we can survive with less income, we'll adapt and make changes.

I've been "house sitting" for a family member and paying their mortgage while they're out of state for the last year. We know the only way we can have our own home again is to purchase prior to him resigning his good job. So we talk, for a couple of months, he acknowledges that he needs treatment before coming home for good if we are going to have any sort of chance.

The plan: stay at his job, buy a house, close the contract, wait for his 15k bonus payout in May, go to treatment, stay as long as possible....his work will pay him for 3 months full salary, then go to sober living....then transition home and resign his employment and find a job here.

What happened: stayed at his job, found a house, we are in the middle of the cotract, suppose to close in 2-3 weeks, he runs off to treatment (but negotiates with them to allow him to come home for the closing, then back to treatment), his employer decides to hold his bonus (since he's in treatment), and now he's saying, I'll just stay here 30 days and I got to get back,etc..

So basically, he creates his own drama and sets himself up for failure.....we had a perfectly reasonable plan, infact we had discussed it for months and months.....he just screws everything up.

It may be conscious or subconscious, but either way, he can't follow a plan or direction. His mind is so pickled with years of ETOH abuse, that he can't be trusted to make correct, logical decisions anymore. Of course, if I point this out, it's "I thought you wanted me to get better, etc"...you know the twisted ways they spin things.

paige73

Classic!!