ladyscribbler

My dad was the same way. I never saw him drunk or even really drinking much. I just knew he slept a lot. And was angry a lot. And I never knew why, so I did everything I knew to keep him from waking up and being mad and yelling.
I didn't associate the word alcoholic with his behavior until I was in my twenties and heard from my brother that he had quit drinking. I think he got caught at work and they gave him a choice of rehab or losing his job and pension.
Anyway, what I'm saying- your daughters know SOMETHING is going on, even if they don't specifically know he's an alcoholic. What harm is there in explaining that to them? If they were small children I might understand, but they are young women. You and your daughter who is at home could attend an Alanon meeting together. God knows I wish I had started going at that age. It would have saved me a whole lot of grief down the road.
Not telling them the truth isn't protecting them, it is protecting your husband's disease. Like Katchie said, alcoholism thrives on secrecy.

Hawkeye13

I don't know why parents think the kids don't know because they don't "see" the drink pass the lips of the alcoholic.

I knew, and I had become well-aware and developed a hidden dread by age 7 or so, but hid it since it was "supposed" to be secret.

You can smell it, you can sense it, and you feel the underlying tension between the parents / partners.

There's no real "protection" in an alcoholic home. I was diagnosed with ulcers by age 12.

I'm sorry you are going through this Andrea, but I believe there is link between things like autoimmune and the constant fear and stress you are living with.
What really concerns me is that you say your daughter also has symptoms as well.

It is a difficult situation to be in, but his drinking will progress, and then what?

Maybe you should be putting a little money away, start looking for a lower-stress job?

You sound very much like you feel trapped, but that may be triggering the illness for you as well.

What kind of options can you create in very small steps starting now to give yourself an out?

jwoods

you can heal you life is a great book and certain situations in your life can cause illness etc please pick it up and read it i am reading it now it might change your life it is helping me understand myself more and more everytime i pick it up!!! good luck brave women stay strong and think about you and children !

Andrea415

I guess the reason I don't think they know is that I just found out myself. I hadn't smelled it before, and he never ever drinks in the house.at least not in front of any of us. I guess I am a coward- I have no backbone. I am too scared to tell them. I am scared of hurting them and I'm scared of what he may do/say. There is no tension in the house now because I haven't confronted him except for when I found the bottles in his car. He apologized and I haven't mentioned it again. I have had symptoms of an illness way before any of this- for about 26 years! Drs never have been able to diagnose me, but a couple years ago I did start having additional symptoms. I went to get checked and tests did not show anything. Mind you, I was deathly afraid of a dx, so I didn't go to the dr right away.

Whe I went through all this with him when he had a drug problem, I felt trapped then too. Like I said, I have no family nearby, and an extremely small family. I have only one good friend, I am somewhat isolated because of all my issues. I have to work full time because of bills and college tuition. I am looking for a less stressful job, but nowadays is there such a thing? I am not qualified to do much- I was a stay at home mom for many many years.

I think I would feel somewhat of a real ease if I told them, but at the same time, I don't know if I could bear them being is hurt and afraid. And the tension in the home would be unbearable. My older daughter needs to concentrate on school when she goes back in august. She goes to a top school and has a hard major. My other daughter also needs to concentrate on school. She will be applying to colleges in the summer/fall.

I want to thank you all so much for reaching out to me. I really need the support. I think I have that book...you can heal your life. I'll look for it.

I just think this time god made a mistake and gave me more than I can handle. I just can't handle all of this, so I live in denial. It's the only way I can cope with my realities and get through the day.

SeriousKarma

Please don't say that Andrea, I doubt that's the case. You certainly don't seem like a coward to me, and I doubt you do to anyone else. What you're going through is hard. Really, really, really hard. I don't think anyone here would ever want to pressure you, or make you feel bad about not doing something that you didn't feel ready to do. We understand how difficult this kind of thing is. We've been there, and only hope that, at your own pace, perhaps some of our experiences can help.

fairlyuncertain

al anon brought me a lot of peace and serenity. It wasn't the steps, or the format. It was walking into a room full of people who were struggling and confused, just like I was. Knowing I could laugh about it, cry silently, share or sit in the background, but I knew I was among people who understood what my life was like, and who wouldn't judge.

It sounds like you have a lot on your shoulders. SR, therapy, al-anon are great places to offload some of that!! Thanks for sharing. I know I can relate to feeling trapped and as if I was the only one trying to make good decisions for our kids. It was a lot of pressure.
Edited to add: It still IS a lot of pressure!! There are ways to make it more manageable, though

Andrea415

Thanks for your kind words. I hope I can make myself go to the meeting tomorrow night. I want to go, but it's just that I will have to lie about where I'm going, and also I'll be tired from working all day, cooking dinner, cleaning up, etc. I'll see how I feel tomorrow. Wish there was a meeting around mr on a Saturday afternoon. That would be ideal.

StormiNormi

Dearest Andrea- I have read your entire thread, and my heart breaks for you and everyone who has had to live under these conditions.
What stopped me in my tracks was when you said you thought God made a mistake by giving you more than you can handle.
Actually, that is no mistake.
God DOES give us more trouble than we can endure so that we turn to Him for divine help, rather than to try to be self-sufficient.
I learned this lesson a few years back when my daughter committed suicide, and I could not endure the pain.
When I surrendered my agony to God, He showed me the way out. I pray this for you...

Andrea415

I have tried. I have not been shown a way out. Just more suffering.
I dont mean to be so negative, I just dont know what to do anymore.
I am living a total lie. my AH doesnt even know that I think he is an alcoholic. The pain I went through last time and the tension in the house is just something I am not ready to re-visit. He is still functioning, his family clueless. They never come around, and we see them just mainly on holidays, even though all mostly live within 5 minutes of us. My family-well, there is just my mom who lives in Florida, and my sister, who lives 2 hours away and has her own problems. Thats about it. I do not talk to my father, and I have one cousin. So I feel very alone. I do not have friends because I am depressed and dont want to go out much. Plus, I feel like I cant be real with them because I dont want to share my problems and I feel less than because of them. I feel trapped because we have so much debt and college tuition. I worry how the tuition is going to get paid. My daughters school is very expensive and she was told she wouldnt have to pay for it. Anyway, Im glad I found this place. Im hoping I can find a little peace and serenity.

Flavia2

Andrea, we understand exactly how it is and coming to SR is a great help if you can't get to a meeting. You sound really tired. I was thinking maybe there is a way you could just do something nice for yourself everyday, even something small like taking time to read or go out for a coffee or take a walk on your lunch hour (or sit in the sun if you are too tired to walk?) Try to take care of you in some small way- I think this is so difficult for people who are codependent.
I don't have any advice for your situation. Things do change in unexpected ways. The children get older & maybe you won't be quite as trapped.

Andrea415

Thanks Flavia. Several years ago when my AH was in the midst of his drug problem and I attempted to get a divorce and failed.....I thought just let the kids get through high school and then I will leave. Well, it's only 1 year away now, but there are other problems such as college tuition and I still cannot support myself. I also have fears because he was so against a divorce, and became so mentally abusive, I just don't know if I would be able to go through that again. Also, when the kids are in college they still need a home to come home to....and they come home often. Life is hard....so hard. The only thing I can do is one day at a time...take it one day at a time..but nothing changes if nothing changes and I feel like although for over 4 years, things seemed normal......nothing has changed since he first started using sometime in 2005 or even earlier.

inpieces314

My grandfather was an alcoholic. My grandparents were waiting to divorce until my mom and uncle graduated. They made it until she was 16 (I don't know how old he was but he was already out of school). They were never really civil again to each other-it used to be so bad that only one of them would come to a holiday dinner. Then it was a non-issue, because my mother stopped talking to my grandfather since he wouldn't stop drinking.

My mom and uncle had a horrible childhood. He was abusive, wouldn't let my grandmother work, get a license, or any of that, so all of them were totally dependent on him. My mom said when she finally had a sleepover she was amazed how the people at her friend's house weren't breaking dishes when they threw them at each other and didn't scream all night-she thought what she lived through was normal.

She said she wishes that they divorced sooner-it would have saved her and my uncle a lot of misery. I can't say what my uncle would say because he died when I was 9, but I do know he never spoke to my grandmother until he got sick (he died of cancer). Even though my grandfather was 4 years sober when he died, she never got over what he did. She is still so angry at him-when I was pregnant with the 2 year old, she wanted me to leave the ABF-she thought it would be the same thing. But it wasn't-what my mother fails to see is that not every single alcoholic is the same as her father was.

I share this because that is what my mom thought, but she had it really bad. There are degrees of badness, and if you can tolerate it now until you can get on your own feet, then do it. You will be better off in the long run. But if dealing with all this is intolerable, then you need to go, and chances are, the kids are thinking the same thing you are.

Hawkeye13

It sounds like he's holding you hostage emotionally.

Do you think some therapy might loosen the fear / anxiety you are living with a little?

I can really understand how hopeless and weary living with this for the past 10 or more years must feel.

You deserve better from your life.

Andrea415

In response to Inpieces - things are not bad right now. He is functioning, working, there is no tension in the home, my girls have boyfriends, girlfriends, doing well in school.

As for therapy...I used to go when things were very bad with my Ah's drug addiction. It helped some, but I really only felt better for the hour I was there once a week. It's hard to find a good therapist. Now that things have calmed down, I haven't been back In Over 4 years.

I just think something bad has to happen for him to wake up and realize that he is in need of serious help. Will that ever happen? And at what cost to his family? And I think He has to be in big time denial....he was watching intervention the other day, and I think if he really thought he had a problem he wouldn't be watching it because it would remind him of himself too much. Breaking through that denial will be very very difficult.

inpieces314

The ABF used to watch intervention with me all the time. and he knew he had a problem. I think, for him, it was cool to see that there IS life on the other side of the addiction fence.

Something bad does have to happen for him to hit bottom. But the good news is, whatever it is, it might be bad to him and no one else. His bottom is his bottom-it may not affect you or the family at all. Or, it may. But in order for him to get better, he has to hit that bottom, the statistics are vastly against him here.

But that is why I said that, I don't think, based on your posts, that you are in a dire position, life or death, anything near that. And that is fine because you can plan on what you need to do if it ever does get to that point. I know how hard it is to leave, and I was financially independent, and I still found it impossible. I cannot imagine how hard it would be if he actually were supporting me. But I agree, for a long time, the alcoholism was a non-issue, he was functioning too, and it really wasn't that bad. So I see where you are coming from.

Andrea415

What is that attack the argument not the person sign for? I wasn't attacking anyone? It may not be that bad now but I know how bad it could get. I am keeping quiet to keep the peace. Bug when I smell alcohol on him, I'm disgusted.....and when he lays on the couch all day, I'm disgusted then too. I'm disgusted that I have to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace......

But, as for now...I will just let it be...something will happen one way or the other....