Therapy
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Join Date: May 2014
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Therapy
So my AH and myself went for another therapy session today and I actually left there feeling like I needed therapy!
I'm beginning to think maybe it is me.
Last week the therapist said that drinking in an evening is only a problem if the wife or husband doesn't agree with it. If we both drank together then it probably wouldn't be a problem. :/
This week he briefly mentions the drinking and says to my husband...oh but you're not ready to quit yet are you? Well my husband of course says not yet.
So again this week it's all my husbands gripes with me being addressed. But reality actually came to me that most things in my marriage are my fault...when the therapist out right told me...that he agreed with my husband about my biological kid etc. It doesn't matter what tone my AH uses to speak to people...I guess.
So I left the counseling office with with high blood pressure and my AH whom I couldn't even bring myself to speak to and came home and cried in the bathroom. I then called another therapist so that I can have therapy after next weeks therapy session with my husband.
I guess I didn't expect for the counsellor to agree with him. For the first time I really feel totally alone and that I am the one that is totally screwed up.
I'm beginning to think maybe it is me.
Last week the therapist said that drinking in an evening is only a problem if the wife or husband doesn't agree with it. If we both drank together then it probably wouldn't be a problem. :/
This week he briefly mentions the drinking and says to my husband...oh but you're not ready to quit yet are you? Well my husband of course says not yet.
So again this week it's all my husbands gripes with me being addressed. But reality actually came to me that most things in my marriage are my fault...when the therapist out right told me...that he agreed with my husband about my biological kid etc. It doesn't matter what tone my AH uses to speak to people...I guess.
So I left the counseling office with with high blood pressure and my AH whom I couldn't even bring myself to speak to and came home and cried in the bathroom. I then called another therapist so that I can have therapy after next weeks therapy session with my husband.
I guess I didn't expect for the counsellor to agree with him. For the first time I really feel totally alone and that I am the one that is totally screwed up.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Marriage counselors often start with one party and get their side and are looking to see how the other party reacts. It's about the interaction as well as the actual problems.
You will get your turn to tell your side. I'm sorry this is difficult. There will be some issues where you may need to admit you are at fault. No one does relationships perfect. We all make mistakes. Hang in there.
Individual therapy is also a good idea, though.
You will get your turn to tell your side. I'm sorry this is difficult. There will be some issues where you may need to admit you are at fault. No one does relationships perfect. We all make mistakes. Hang in there.
Individual therapy is also a good idea, though.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Drinking in the evening is alright, as long as you are doing it together?
So shooting up, smoking drugs, snorting coke ect.... is alright if you are doing it together and at night?
How many people has this therapist help to recovery? I'm sure not many
So shooting up, smoking drugs, snorting coke ect.... is alright if you are doing it together and at night?
How many people has this therapist help to recovery? I'm sure not many
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Bibble -- dunno about you all, but from what I follow, MOST folks and T's DO NOT RECOMMEND couple's therapy with an active A. It is often just an additional path to Mind F the sincere non-A partner. Is that not what you experienced?
IF he were to Dry Out AND Work a/the Program AND Do Some T by Himself (and meanwhile YOU do some Alanon, Get Detached, Set Boundaries, Do YOUR Steps and Program, and maybe some T by Yourself) . . . THEN somewhere down the road you could do couple's T and actually get something out of it
Right now, you and AH are likely in T for entirely different reasons. You are likely there to "save" things etc. AH is likely there to try to negotiate terms of his continued drinking.
IF he were to Dry Out AND Work a/the Program AND Do Some T by Himself (and meanwhile YOU do some Alanon, Get Detached, Set Boundaries, Do YOUR Steps and Program, and maybe some T by Yourself) . . . THEN somewhere down the road you could do couple's T and actually get something out of it
Right now, you and AH are likely in T for entirely different reasons. You are likely there to "save" things etc. AH is likely there to try to negotiate terms of his continued drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by airwick 
Drinking in the evening is alright, as long as you are doing it together?
So shooting up, smoking drugs, snorting coke ect.... is alright if you are doing it together and at night?
How many people has this therapist help to recovery? I'm sure not many
So shooting up, smoking drugs, snorting coke ect.... is alright if you are doing it together and at night?
How many people has this therapist help to recovery? I'm sure not many
Sid and Nancy would be a perfect couple, apparently.
Setting up an individual counseling appointment for yourself was really smart. I think my head would have exploded if my ex had his denial and blame shifting validated by a licensed professional.
Hugs.
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Join Date: May 2014
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I can't even begin to tell you how beaten down I feel. I left there 'hating' him. He told so many half truths and as we left the office he says "I love you" and "shall we go out to lunch". I was just thinking are you kidding me...after what you just said in there. He then commented that the therapist said we need to do more lunches. I really couldn't look at him...let alone have lunch with him.
I never thought I ever got angry...but today I actually felt very angry. I felt very desperate...I felt like I needed to get to the drs for medication! My chest was tight and I know my blood pressure was elevated.
I know I am at fault too...it was just hard to hear it's all my fault, I guess. It was hard to hear the therapist say, I agree with him. It's hard to hear the therapist brush over the drinking like it's just some small inconvenience in my life and if he had a different wife it may be ok to do it. I am finding these therapy sessions aren't therapy for me at all. The thought of going to the next one makes me VERY stressed. I've literally cried all day on and off and that isn't like me. The sessions are definitely driving me away from him...maybe that's a good thing though.
Thank you to you all for taking the time to read and answer my posts. You're all awesome.
I never thought I ever got angry...but today I actually felt very angry. I felt very desperate...I felt like I needed to get to the drs for medication! My chest was tight and I know my blood pressure was elevated.
I know I am at fault too...it was just hard to hear it's all my fault, I guess. It was hard to hear the therapist say, I agree with him. It's hard to hear the therapist brush over the drinking like it's just some small inconvenience in my life and if he had a different wife it may be ok to do it. I am finding these therapy sessions aren't therapy for me at all. The thought of going to the next one makes me VERY stressed. I've literally cried all day on and off and that isn't like me. The sessions are definitely driving me away from him...maybe that's a good thing though.
Thank you to you all for taking the time to read and answer my posts. You're all awesome.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Well, congrats on getting angry.
Really.
Emotions are not bad things.
First time I did in quite a while was about 20 some weeks at the start of my Steps Program. My sponsor looked surprised and said "Wow, you are really angry." I said, "yeah, feels good to feel for a change."
You getting angry about mis-treated is a Very Good Thing. Means you are likely to notice and take care of YOU for a change.
So you putting up with more of this crap?
Really just asking.
I am about done with the crap.
Really.
Emotions are not bad things.
First time I did in quite a while was about 20 some weeks at the start of my Steps Program. My sponsor looked surprised and said "Wow, you are really angry." I said, "yeah, feels good to feel for a change."
You getting angry about mis-treated is a Very Good Thing. Means you are likely to notice and take care of YOU for a change.
So you putting up with more of this crap?
Really just asking.
I am about done with the crap.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
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Hammer - I don't know if I am putting up with this crap or whether it's my AH putting up with my crap at this point. Maybe the therapist is right...if someone drinks in an evening, then it really is only a problem if the other person see's it as one.
I only drink a couple of drinks about two maybe three times a month...some months none. So I guess I am probably the worst person he could of married!
I just think we are two very different people at this point.
I only drink a couple of drinks about two maybe three times a month...some months none. So I guess I am probably the worst person he could of married!
I just think we are two very different people at this point.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Dunno on all that and I do not worry too much about it now, either.
Can tell you this -- IF you get serious about the Program AND Do The Stepwork -- you will likely find MANY things MUCH Clearer.
But I suppose that is only in keeping with the Promises. You know the Promises?
==============
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Can tell you this -- IF you get serious about the Program AND Do The Stepwork -- you will likely find MANY things MUCH Clearer.
But I suppose that is only in keeping with the Promises. You know the Promises?
==============
PROMISES AA Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous 12 Step Promises of AA 12 Steps
THE PROMISES
The Promises, that are read in many A.A. Meetings can be found on page 83-84, of the Big Book, Alcoholics Anonymous.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 233
Originally Posted by Hammer
Bibble -- dunno about you all, but from what I follow, MOST folks and T's DO NOT RECOMMEND couple's therapy with an active A.
I would say, don't even do couples therapy with an RA with at LEAST six months of sobriety.
-DrS
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Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by Bibble
Hammer - I don't know if I am putting up with this crap or whether it's my AH putting up with my crap at this point. Maybe the therapist is right...if someone drinks in an evening, then it really is only a problem if the other person see's it as one.
I only drink a couple of drinks about two maybe three times a month...some months none. So I guess I am probably the worst person he could of married!
I just think we are two very different people at this point.
I only drink a couple of drinks about two maybe three times a month...some months none. So I guess I am probably the worst person he could of married!
I just think we are two very different people at this point.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Bibble - You have not written much about your husband's drinking issues - really more that husband wants you medicated for ADHD.
Can you tell us a little bit more about what's going on with him?
Can you tell us a little bit more about what's going on with him?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 1,544
Bibble: Just YOUdon't get yourself sick over the situation. He has to want to help himself. If he wants to continue down the path he's taking, you have to let him and hopw for the best. If not, it will drag you down and suck the living blood right out of you.
( that is how I see it of course and I don't know that whole story, so keep that is mind when you make any type of decision
)
( that is how I see it of course and I don't know that whole story, so keep that is mind when you make any type of decision
)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Bibble, therapy is to help you sort out your problems.
You. Sorting You.
The good part about marriage counseling is that there is a third party referee. He/she should not allow excessive disrespectful discourse - he/she will likely allow some but limit it in order to see your interaction with each other and how you each communicate. So when it is your turn to talk, you'll be allowed to do so without your AH quacking at your every sentence, hopefully. That is when the magic begins - when you state your truth out loud and he doesn't get to shout you down or leave the room.
You are in therapy to sort your issues. The therapist is just a facilitator, and like I said a referee. He/she isn't going to solve your problems. They are still your problems. Once you hear him and yourself, and see how far apart you are in your perceptions of your marriage, you can then decide if you love him enough to continue to try to reach some compromises or if it is irreparably broken. It's still going to be you.
You. Sorting You.
The good part about marriage counseling is that there is a third party referee. He/she should not allow excessive disrespectful discourse - he/she will likely allow some but limit it in order to see your interaction with each other and how you each communicate. So when it is your turn to talk, you'll be allowed to do so without your AH quacking at your every sentence, hopefully. That is when the magic begins - when you state your truth out loud and he doesn't get to shout you down or leave the room.
You are in therapy to sort your issues. The therapist is just a facilitator, and like I said a referee. He/she isn't going to solve your problems. They are still your problems. Once you hear him and yourself, and see how far apart you are in your perceptions of your marriage, you can then decide if you love him enough to continue to try to reach some compromises or if it is irreparably broken. It's still going to be you.
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Last week the therapist said that drinking in an evening is only a problem if the wife or husband doesn't agree with it. If we both drank together then it probably wouldn't be a problem. :/
Not only do I agree that therapy with an active A is usually a waste of time and money -- it can even be ABUSIVE to the spouse of an A if the therapist is not VERY well schooled in addiction issues.
Honey, if you come away from the therapist feeling like YOU are the problem when you're married to an addict -- YOU are not the problem, the THERAPIST is.
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Join Date: May 2012
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I second Lillamy.
I also think about this perspective and come to the realization that life is really all about perspective.
Some things we can't prove to everyone that they are true. Like that I know that the argument of two drinkers together are all good, I know it will eventually lead to chaos and insanity... just give it time. Proving that to someone who would argue against it? Can't prove it, can I? Common sense...is not so common anymore.
Therapy can be extremely dangerous instead of helpful if the wrong therapist is used. I would seriously consider finding a different one, and I'd mail some addiction info packets to this ignorant therapist after I left.
How do some of these people get their degrees?
I also think about this perspective and come to the realization that life is really all about perspective.
Some things we can't prove to everyone that they are true. Like that I know that the argument of two drinkers together are all good, I know it will eventually lead to chaos and insanity... just give it time. Proving that to someone who would argue against it? Can't prove it, can I? Common sense...is not so common anymore.
Therapy can be extremely dangerous instead of helpful if the wrong therapist is used. I would seriously consider finding a different one, and I'd mail some addiction info packets to this ignorant therapist after I left.
How do some of these people get their degrees?
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Find a therapist that specializes in addictions. It makes all the difference.
My ex started off on his own with a therapist. He asked me to join him for a few couples sessions. I did so. After a few sessions and a little work this is what the counselor said: You guys have massive communications issues but no unforgivable acts to work through. Communication and the other issues we had were generally fixable but I won't move forward until you find and start working a program of recovery. For marriage counseling to be successful both people must have the same point of view - that the marriage is their priority and their actions will support that. That is fundamentally impossible with an active addict because they follow the voice of addiction at the expense of their marriage (or anything else). It does not matter what he says or learns in this room - he'll follow the addiction, until he decides not to.
He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't decide not to. No recovery no counseling. She then said she could only work with one of us and he got first chance since he started with her. He declined so I took her up on it. Worth every dime I paid and more. I'm not sure I would have went looking for a therapist on my own so him getting me in there was the biggest gift he gave me out of the entire ordeal. It was so helpful and her background in addictions was so important. She understood. She got it.
My ex started off on his own with a therapist. He asked me to join him for a few couples sessions. I did so. After a few sessions and a little work this is what the counselor said: You guys have massive communications issues but no unforgivable acts to work through. Communication and the other issues we had were generally fixable but I won't move forward until you find and start working a program of recovery. For marriage counseling to be successful both people must have the same point of view - that the marriage is their priority and their actions will support that. That is fundamentally impossible with an active addict because they follow the voice of addiction at the expense of their marriage (or anything else). It does not matter what he says or learns in this room - he'll follow the addiction, until he decides not to.
He wouldn't/couldn't/didn't decide not to. No recovery no counseling. She then said she could only work with one of us and he got first chance since he started with her. He declined so I took her up on it. Worth every dime I paid and more. I'm not sure I would have went looking for a therapist on my own so him getting me in there was the biggest gift he gave me out of the entire ordeal. It was so helpful and her background in addictions was so important. She understood. She got it.
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i heartily concur with others - first couples therapy with an active addict makes about as much sense as bringing a chimp with you to do hot yoga. second it is glaringly apparant that this particular therapist doesn't know his @ss from a hole in the ground when it comes to addiction AND HOW THE PARTNER IS AFFECTED.
i'd cancel further appointments NOW. get your own therapist. you need your own support. dingaling can continue to do whatever. he's stated clearly he is not going to QUIT. that's called an impasse. and so it's up to you to find your own way around that obstacle and clean thru to the other side....whatever that may look like FOR YOU.
i'd cancel further appointments NOW. get your own therapist. you need your own support. dingaling can continue to do whatever. he's stated clearly he is not going to QUIT. that's called an impasse. and so it's up to you to find your own way around that obstacle and clean thru to the other side....whatever that may look like FOR YOU.
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