Discovering he's an alcoholic
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Discovering he's an alcoholic
Hi,
I learned (well, maybe more accepted) today (through the help of a therapist) that someone in my life is an alcoholic.
We have known each other for 3 years and it wasn't until this past fall that I realized he had SOMETHING going on. He had told me that his father and uncle were alcoholics and I noticed that he seemed to be turning to alcohol (amongst other things) to help him cope when things went wrong.
He needed emotional support one night, so I went over to his place and listened to him for hours. I knew he had been drinking for a few hours, but noticed that he was continuing to drink and seemed so....normal. He also started smoking weed and then let it slip that he had taken some xanax too (and that he buys his xanax on the street because his "insurance is messed up") He said his father and uncle are alcoholics then talked about how insecure he is and just wants everyone to like him.
Fast forward:
I end up pregnant and then lose the pregnancy. His initial response to the pregnancy was 'i'm going to go drink until i pass out' followed by being supportive. When I lost it, he did a 180. A month after it happened, I turned to him for support and he ignored me. The following month, I asked for help with the hospital bill and he was so mean about it even though he said he would pay it. I kept reminding him to pay it and he kept giving me excuses-in a time span of a month , he had bought a brand new car and a house (red flag). I ended up paying it, he said he would pay me back, but never did. (he makes A LOT of money, btw) During this time, I found that he was on a dating site and then dating the first girl who fed him all sorts of positive attention (it only lasted a month). In March , we got into a fight and he kept ignoring the emotional aspects of me asking what his problem is etc etc. When I looked on his facebook, he was posting passive aggressive things directed towards me.....telling his sister to use birth control, posting a pic that showed a man in a jail, a woman and then a bunch of kids, and one post where he indirectly takes a dig at my appearance. Then he posted song lyrics that were along the lines of 'the b*tch drove me to drink'. A couple weeks later, I try to make amends, he ignores me. I finally tell him that I am leaving for good because he left me in this emotionally difficult situation etc. A couple weeks later he's posting song lyrics along the lines 'you dont know what you have until its gone' and letting someone go. I let it be and on mothers day, I decide i just need to move on and go to his facebook to block him. His mothers day post was wishing all of the 'baby mommas' a having mothers day. (he doesnt have any children, i think it was just to get a response from me) and when I scrolled down a bit, he was still posting baby-type pics...the same one from before and then one with a sperm and an egg. Needless to say, I was a bit disgusted, so he is blocked for sure.
I started therapy today and the therapist helped me see that he is an alcoholic (there are a lot of things i left out, didnt want to make this super long). She's worked with alcohol/drug addiction for years and said that everything i told her is what she's heard before from countless alcoholics. She says the loss of the pregnancy seems to still be bothering him....but idk. I don't know how alcoholics react etc and i know i will learn more in therapy.
so I guess I am here for support from other people who have been involved with an alcoholic.
I learned (well, maybe more accepted) today (through the help of a therapist) that someone in my life is an alcoholic.
We have known each other for 3 years and it wasn't until this past fall that I realized he had SOMETHING going on. He had told me that his father and uncle were alcoholics and I noticed that he seemed to be turning to alcohol (amongst other things) to help him cope when things went wrong.
He needed emotional support one night, so I went over to his place and listened to him for hours. I knew he had been drinking for a few hours, but noticed that he was continuing to drink and seemed so....normal. He also started smoking weed and then let it slip that he had taken some xanax too (and that he buys his xanax on the street because his "insurance is messed up") He said his father and uncle are alcoholics then talked about how insecure he is and just wants everyone to like him.
Fast forward:
I end up pregnant and then lose the pregnancy. His initial response to the pregnancy was 'i'm going to go drink until i pass out' followed by being supportive. When I lost it, he did a 180. A month after it happened, I turned to him for support and he ignored me. The following month, I asked for help with the hospital bill and he was so mean about it even though he said he would pay it. I kept reminding him to pay it and he kept giving me excuses-in a time span of a month , he had bought a brand new car and a house (red flag). I ended up paying it, he said he would pay me back, but never did. (he makes A LOT of money, btw) During this time, I found that he was on a dating site and then dating the first girl who fed him all sorts of positive attention (it only lasted a month). In March , we got into a fight and he kept ignoring the emotional aspects of me asking what his problem is etc etc. When I looked on his facebook, he was posting passive aggressive things directed towards me.....telling his sister to use birth control, posting a pic that showed a man in a jail, a woman and then a bunch of kids, and one post where he indirectly takes a dig at my appearance. Then he posted song lyrics that were along the lines of 'the b*tch drove me to drink'. A couple weeks later, I try to make amends, he ignores me. I finally tell him that I am leaving for good because he left me in this emotionally difficult situation etc. A couple weeks later he's posting song lyrics along the lines 'you dont know what you have until its gone' and letting someone go. I let it be and on mothers day, I decide i just need to move on and go to his facebook to block him. His mothers day post was wishing all of the 'baby mommas' a having mothers day. (he doesnt have any children, i think it was just to get a response from me) and when I scrolled down a bit, he was still posting baby-type pics...the same one from before and then one with a sperm and an egg. Needless to say, I was a bit disgusted, so he is blocked for sure.
I started therapy today and the therapist helped me see that he is an alcoholic (there are a lot of things i left out, didnt want to make this super long). She's worked with alcohol/drug addiction for years and said that everything i told her is what she's heard before from countless alcoholics. She says the loss of the pregnancy seems to still be bothering him....but idk. I don't know how alcoholics react etc and i know i will learn more in therapy.
so I guess I am here for support from other people who have been involved with an alcoholic.
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Sounds like following his doings on Facebook was causing you a lot of grief. Good thinking to block him. Have you done something nice for yourself lately? Having a miscarriage is tough, especially when you're not getting any support from your partner. My ex was very selfish about things like that, only focusing on how bad things affected him.
Individual therapy has really helped me deal with the aftermath of that relationship and growing up with an alcoholic father. So has Alanon. Have you tried a meeting yet?
Hugs and welcome. Keep posting, it helps.
Individual therapy has really helped me deal with the aftermath of that relationship and growing up with an alcoholic father. So has Alanon. Have you tried a meeting yet?
Hugs and welcome. Keep posting, it helps.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler 
Sounds like following his doings on Facebook was causing you a lot of grief. Good thinking to block him. Have you done something nice for yourself lately? Having a miscarriage is tough, especially when you're not getting any support from your partner. My ex was very selfish about things like that, only focusing on how bad things affected him.
Individual therapy has really helped me deal with the aftermath of that relationship and growing up with an alcoholic father. So has Alanon. Have you tried a meeting yet?
Hugs and welcome. Keep posting, it helps.
Individual therapy has really helped me deal with the aftermath of that relationship and growing up with an alcoholic father. So has Alanon. Have you tried a meeting yet?
Hugs and welcome. Keep posting, it helps.
I have not even gotten to alanon yet. I've heard of it but this is all so new to me that I think I am going to wait until next week to see if my therapist can recommend a good location.
I've been crying all night. I guess it's always been in the back of my head and now it's that confirmation and realization that I have a long road ahead of me.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I'm sorry. But glad you're here for support and not catering to his lousy behavior. I hope you can recover from the damage he's done and have a healthy life. Dealing with an alcoholic somehow pervades every bit of one's life. I work at a grocery store and every time someone buys beer I'm thinking, are they one too? So if you are free of him maybe therapy should be mostly about you. Trying to understand an alcoholic without being one is haunting. Praying for the best for you!
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Originally Posted by Hammer
First Welcome.
Do I understand correctly that you are ALL DONE with this guy -- Like FOREVER?
Do I understand correctly that you are ALL DONE with this guy -- Like FOREVER?
and, I don't know. Well, for now, yes. I don't know what I am going to do if he comes back months from now. My therapist said we would talk about that-like what I want...what i want from him whether its just friendship or more. Maybe one day we could be friends...? Part of me feels like getting involved with him would be this endless cycle of being hurt and disappointed...always worrying, always second guessing. I can't have that hanging over my head, especially with this new career path i am pursuing.
It breaks my heart that he chose to act the way that he did and that i had to cut him out of my life.
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Originally Posted by missboots
I'm sorry. But glad you're here for support and not catering to his lousy behavior. I hope you can recover from the damage he's done and have a healthy life. Dealing with an alcoholic somehow pervades every bit of one's life. I work at a grocery store and every time someone buys beer I'm thinking, are they one too? So if you are free of him maybe therapy should be mostly about you. Trying to understand an alcoholic without being one is haunting. Praying for the best for you!
i gave him the benefit of the doubt for months and just put up with his bad behavior. I think he just assumed that I would always be there....like he could treat me however he wanted and I would still stick around. I remember telling him that i didnt understand how he could be so cruel and heartless towards me....and that how he was treating me was so emotionally damaging. He said nothing. Nothing.
I know i will never fully understand it, but I'm hoping therapy will help me understand it better than I do now.
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I think sometimes its very hard to understand cruel and inhumane behavior. We try to make sense out of it because we think deep down inside people can't be like that.
Well they are. And there is nothing to make sense of and no way to "cure" it. Where it came from and why they act the way they do that be a merry go round of crazy to figure out if you choose to get on.
Part of me feels like getting involved with him would be this endless cycle of being hurt and disappointed...always worrying, always second guessing.
I can promise you this ^^^ will be your life if you choose to continue to have anything to do with person. Any type of "relationship" will always be on his terms, even a friendship. In other words when its convenient to have something to do with you he will be available, otherwise you are on your own.
You deserve to be treated better than a doormat. I'm glad you are in therapy. Sorry this has happened to you.
Well they are. And there is nothing to make sense of and no way to "cure" it. Where it came from and why they act the way they do that be a merry go round of crazy to figure out if you choose to get on.
Part of me feels like getting involved with him would be this endless cycle of being hurt and disappointed...always worrying, always second guessing.
I can promise you this ^^^ will be your life if you choose to continue to have anything to do with person. Any type of "relationship" will always be on his terms, even a friendship. In other words when its convenient to have something to do with you he will be available, otherwise you are on your own.
You deserve to be treated better than a doormat. I'm glad you are in therapy. Sorry this has happened to you.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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My ABF lost a baby in 2009. She wasn't mine, but I was there when she was born-4 months early.
He and the ex wife did not handle it very well, either of them. She spent all of her time holed up in her mother's house, for weeks and weeks. He spent all of his time drinking (duh) and at his friend's house. I called him to tell him happy birthday (which was a week after all this happened) and he was like, a zombie. He didn't care about anything, all he could do was cry about how his baby died. And this continued for weeks (as it should have).
That was the end of the marriage for them. They limped along for a year and a half, but it was never the same...my point is, he was also an alcoholic before this happened, he also drank a whole lot more after this happened, but he was too involved with his grief to be mean to her at all. And this is a good time to say, he never wanted to marry her in the first place, he only did it because she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing, which is why they spent no time together afterward and just fell apart. He never got over it.
If your friend was seriously grieving (which I am sure he is, at some level, but not enough to make a difference in his disease) you would know. There is no way around it. He wouldn't be using this time to poke you in your grief so that you would feel worse, because he would be so consumed with himself. Which goes doubly for him because he is an alcoholic. He wouldn't be making fun of you at all.
And, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is to go through something like that, and then get no support on top of it.
He and the ex wife did not handle it very well, either of them. She spent all of her time holed up in her mother's house, for weeks and weeks. He spent all of his time drinking (duh) and at his friend's house. I called him to tell him happy birthday (which was a week after all this happened) and he was like, a zombie. He didn't care about anything, all he could do was cry about how his baby died. And this continued for weeks (as it should have).
That was the end of the marriage for them. They limped along for a year and a half, but it was never the same...my point is, he was also an alcoholic before this happened, he also drank a whole lot more after this happened, but he was too involved with his grief to be mean to her at all. And this is a good time to say, he never wanted to marry her in the first place, he only did it because she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing, which is why they spent no time together afterward and just fell apart. He never got over it.
If your friend was seriously grieving (which I am sure he is, at some level, but not enough to make a difference in his disease) you would know. There is no way around it. He wouldn't be using this time to poke you in your grief so that you would feel worse, because he would be so consumed with himself. Which goes doubly for him because he is an alcoholic. He wouldn't be making fun of you at all.
And, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is to go through something like that, and then get no support on top of it.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta
Part of me feels like getting involved with him would be this endless cycle of being hurt and disappointed...always worrying, always second guessing.
I can promise you this ^^^ will be your life if you choose to continue to have anything to do with person. Any type of "relationship" will always be on his terms, even a friendship. In other words when its convenient to have something to do with you he will be available, otherwise you are on your own.
You deserve to be treated better than a doormat. I'm glad you are in therapy. Sorry this has happened to you.
thank you for your response
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Originally Posted by inpieces314
My ABF lost a baby in 2009. She wasn't mine, but I was there when she was born-4 months early.
He and the ex wife did not handle it very well, either of them. She spent all of her time holed up in her mother's house, for weeks and weeks. He spent all of his time drinking (duh) and at his friend's house. I called him to tell him happy birthday (which was a week after all this happened) and he was like, a zombie. He didn't care about anything, all he could do was cry about how his baby died. And this continued for weeks (as it should have).
That was the end of the marriage for them. They limped along for a year and a half, but it was never the same...my point is, he was also an alcoholic before this happened, he also drank a whole lot more after this happened, but he was too involved with his grief to be mean to her at all. And this is a good time to say, he never wanted to marry her in the first place, he only did it because she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing, which is why they spent no time together afterward and just fell apart. He never got over it.
If your friend was seriously grieving (which I am sure he is, at some level, but not enough to make a difference in his disease) you would know. There is no way around it. He wouldn't be using this time to poke you in your grief so that you would feel worse, because he would be so consumed with himself. Which goes doubly for him because he is an alcoholic. He wouldn't be making fun of you at all.
And, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is to go through something like that, and then get no support on top of it.
He and the ex wife did not handle it very well, either of them. She spent all of her time holed up in her mother's house, for weeks and weeks. He spent all of his time drinking (duh) and at his friend's house. I called him to tell him happy birthday (which was a week after all this happened) and he was like, a zombie. He didn't care about anything, all he could do was cry about how his baby died. And this continued for weeks (as it should have).
That was the end of the marriage for them. They limped along for a year and a half, but it was never the same...my point is, he was also an alcoholic before this happened, he also drank a whole lot more after this happened, but he was too involved with his grief to be mean to her at all. And this is a good time to say, he never wanted to marry her in the first place, he only did it because she was pregnant and he wanted to do the right thing, which is why they spent no time together afterward and just fell apart. He never got over it.
If your friend was seriously grieving (which I am sure he is, at some level, but not enough to make a difference in his disease) you would know. There is no way around it. He wouldn't be using this time to poke you in your grief so that you would feel worse, because he would be so consumed with himself. Which goes doubly for him because he is an alcoholic. He wouldn't be making fun of you at all.
And, I am very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard it is to go through something like that, and then get no support on top of it.
i think i remember my therapist saying he is probably numb to it, or numbing the feelings alcohol, weed, spending a lot of money. Gosh....i remember looking at his fb one day and he had bought THREE pairs of the same shoe but in different colors and talking about how he wanted to buy an expensive watch. And then there was going from woman to woman to woman. It's like he just doesnt stop and allow himself to feel anything.
I remember the night I saw him....where he opened up a lot...he said he treats his family and friends like sh*t and he has no idea why. I was so confused by that because I had no idea why he would do that....but I guess now I know why-he's an alcoholic. He always seems to blame women too, like his ex gfs. Anytime he mentioned them, he played it like it was THEIR fault-they were crazy etc.
This morning I woke up thinking....I cannot be with this person and losing the pregnancy was the push I needed to cut him out. Breaks my heart but its for the best.
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Originally Posted by NorthofWest
thank you
and, I don't know. Well, for now, yes. I don't know what I am going to do if he comes back months from now. My therapist said we would talk about that-like what I want...what i want from him whether its just friendship or more. Maybe one day we could be friends...? Part of me feels like getting involved with him would be this endless cycle of being hurt and disappointed...always worrying, always second guessing. I can't have that hanging over my head, especially with this new career path i am pursuing.
It breaks my heart that he chose to act the way that he did and that i had to cut him out of my life.
and, I don't know. Well, for now, yes. I don't know what I am going to do if he comes back months from now. My therapist said we would talk about that-like what I want...what i want from him whether its just friendship or more. Maybe one day we could be friends...? Part of me feels like getting involved with him would be this endless cycle of being hurt and disappointed...always worrying, always second guessing. I can't have that hanging over my head, especially with this new career path i am pursuing.
It breaks my heart that he chose to act the way that he did and that i had to cut him out of my life.
AND
Will not want someone like this to be a "friend."
When you get a little deeper into this, you may find, as many of us have -- the A may have never really been our *friend,* but rather someone that was using us.
(not all A's, as some folks note -- but MANY) A's are Users.
They use Alcohol, they use Drugs, they use Things . . . . and they use People.
Know how to lose a User? Become Useless to them.
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Originally Posted by Hammer
Chances are that once YOU are better, and know better, you will do better.
AND
Will not want someone like this to be a "friend."
When you get a little deeper into this, you may find, as many of us have -- the A may have never really been our *friend,* but rather someone that was using us.
(not all A's, as some folks note -- but MANY) A's are Users.
They use Alcohol, they use Drugs, they use Things . . . . and they use People.
Know how to lose a User? Become Useless to them.
AND
Will not want someone like this to be a "friend."
When you get a little deeper into this, you may find, as many of us have -- the A may have never really been our *friend,* but rather someone that was using us.
(not all A's, as some folks note -- but MANY) A's are Users.
They use Alcohol, they use Drugs, they use Things . . . . and they use People.
Know how to lose a User? Become Useless to them.
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Location: Iowa
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Originally Posted by NorthofWest
I feel like dealing with what happened was all on his terms. Like HE wasn't ready to talk about it. HE would pay the bill when HE wanted to. I was left hanging on a ledge, if that makes sense, which is why I felt it was necessary to just tell him that I was leaving for good. It was like he was leaving the door partially open so he could still come and go as he pleased.
thank you for your response
thank you for your response
You did the right thing. More time with this guy is just going to mean more pain and heartache for you.
Make good use of your therapy time. Spend awhile trying to figure out what attracted you to this in the first place and why "friendship" with this guy seems like a possibility for the future.
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Originally Posted by ladyscribbler
My ex was like that. I think it is common with addicts and alcoholics. Everything revolves around THEM- what they want, what makes them happy. It is a very self-serving disease and to someone like that, other people only exist for their benefit. Any relationship is going to be very one sided, with one partner doing all the heavy lifting, bending over backwards to "make it work" while the alcoholic enjoys the fruits of other people's labor, throwing out the occasional crumb of attention or affection to keep the other person hooked.
You did the right thing. More time with this guy is just going to mean more pain and heartache for you.
Make good use of your therapy time. Spend awhile trying to figure out what attracted you to this in the first place and why "friendship" with this guy seems like a possibility for the future.
You did the right thing. More time with this guy is just going to mean more pain and heartache for you.
Make good use of your therapy time. Spend awhile trying to figure out what attracted you to this in the first place and why "friendship" with this guy seems like a possibility for the future.
That is how it was with him. Everything was about him. And when i needed him, he wasnt there.
I guess i have so many questions...
Should i hate him? How can i hate him when he has a disease that makes him this way? Is it like 'hate this sin not the sinner' but 'hate the disease not the diseased'? Does he feel bad for how he treated me? I dont expect people to answer those questions for me, i have to explore that myself.
I do care about him and i want him to be ok and get help. But the only way to get help is that he has to realize he has a problem and wants to get help.
I just have to focus on me getting better.
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It is very hard for couples to get through something like this without breaking up, and it's even worse when there is an addiction involved. The addict can't even begin to try to console the other person (you) because they are too involved with themselves as a result of the addiction.
You don't have to hate him for doing all these things to you. You don't have to love him for doing all these things to you. It is totally up to you what you want to feel. And it is okay to change the way you feel, from day to day, sometimes from minute to minute. It's a rollercoaster, and it takes a long time to get off of it.
You don't have to hate him for doing all these things to you. You don't have to love him for doing all these things to you. It is totally up to you what you want to feel. And it is okay to change the way you feel, from day to day, sometimes from minute to minute. It's a rollercoaster, and it takes a long time to get off of it.
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Instead of trying to figure out how you should feel about it, try getting to a point where you can accept him exactly as he is right now. That will take a lot of the ambiguity out of what you should feel or do about him. You cannot control how you feel anyway. You can only control how and whether you act upon your feelings.
Accepting people as they are, instead of investing emotion, energy and time in how we wish they were, is a good step towards making healthier decisions for ourselves.
Accepting people as they are, instead of investing emotion, energy and time in how we wish they were, is a good step towards making healthier decisions for ourselves.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it's entirely possible he is just not a very nice person drunk or sober. in fact he sounds down right pathological.
Inpieces- thank you. Other people ive talked to treat me like what im feeling day to day is wrong and that i should go back to life as normal.
Sparklekitty- so accept him as an alcoholic and know that rigjt now that is all he is. ?
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