He's struggling I wish he would let me help
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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He's struggling I wish he would let me help
I can see my AH struggling with everything that is going on although he says he's ok I know him and know he's not. He just says He has to get on with it and sitting about and thinking about things don't help him. He is drinking to block everything out. I see him in so much pain and I want to help him but he won't talk to me. I think this is because I ask questions and he has to think about what is going on.
I haven't got to the stage where I feel anger towards him but one thing that does annoy me is that although he left as he wants to drink can't keep letting me down and hurting me he hasn't let his family down and maintains his responsibilities to them. As I have said in previous posts his uncle is dying and he would help his mum with caring for him. In February he let his uncle down due to his drinking with the exception of once since he left us he hasn't let drink interfere with his caring duties. On the last occasion when he wasn't able to fulfil his responsibilities his mum was angry because of the impact it had on her not on me and the kids but her and how she didn't need any more stress. So why can he maintain those responsibilities?? I know his uncle is dying and he should be there to support him but how can he let me down but after one angry conversation from his mum he hasn't let them Down. Obviously while staying at his mums he can drink as often as he wants as they don't challenge his drinking. It does anger me that he left so he wouldn't keep letting me down yet he isn't letting his family down
Sorry I know this is rambling. I'm all over the place today
I haven't got to the stage where I feel anger towards him but one thing that does annoy me is that although he left as he wants to drink can't keep letting me down and hurting me he hasn't let his family down and maintains his responsibilities to them. As I have said in previous posts his uncle is dying and he would help his mum with caring for him. In February he let his uncle down due to his drinking with the exception of once since he left us he hasn't let drink interfere with his caring duties. On the last occasion when he wasn't able to fulfil his responsibilities his mum was angry because of the impact it had on her not on me and the kids but her and how she didn't need any more stress. So why can he maintain those responsibilities?? I know his uncle is dying and he should be there to support him but how can he let me down but after one angry conversation from his mum he hasn't let them Down. Obviously while staying at his mums he can drink as often as he wants as they don't challenge his drinking. It does anger me that he left so he wouldn't keep letting me down yet he isn't letting his family down
Sorry I know this is rambling. I'm all over the place today
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Alcohol is the coping mechanism that seems to work temporarily but only serves to feed the addiction, numb the feelings and make everything worse. Have you or he talked with a Licensed Addiction Counselor? Have you been going to Alanon? What you cannot do for him, do for yourself. You matter. You're important. (((hugs)))
Alanon - UK and Eire
Alanon - UK and Eire
Baby Steps
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But why can he ensure his addiction doesn't impact on his mum and his uncle and his responsibilities to them but when it came to me there was no consideration. He wanted to drink the next day so he did. He says he can't drink the next day while at his mums yet he could at home although at home he couldn't drink as often during the week but can at his mums.
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Originally Posted by Confused39 
He won't speak to anyone. He says he doesn't want to think about anything he just has to get on with it!!
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Confused, you are asking logical questions about someone who is not logical. Addiction isn't logical. You cannot figure it out. He obviously feels he can drink in peace more there than he can when he is home with you and the kids. There are no logical answers to the questions you are asking.
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Originally Posted by Confused39
But why can he ensure his addiction doesn't impact on his mum and his uncle and his responsibilities to them but when it came to me there was no consideration. He wanted to drink the next day so he did. He says he can't drink the next day while at his mums yet he could at home although at home he couldn't drink as often during the week but can at his mums.
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There is no logic to it. You're asking for logic from a brain that is seriously physically impaired. He's feeling pressure, stress, etc. and it's real to him. There doesn't need to be logic behind that. Or behind when he drinks or when he doesn't. This is a completely illogical disease. All that is known for sure is that it is chronic and progressive without active recovery. I've found I can't direct, guide or force my husband's recovery. I can take full control of mine. Baby steps. Stepping through the door to my meetings, reaching out to others, figuring out who it was I needed to reach out towards -- those who've been here before, those who really get what this disease is about. 
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Do I accept that his mum and uncle are more important to him than the kids and I and he's willing to curb his drinking so it doesn't cause them more stress and upset or is it that as he can drink more often at his mums so doesn't need to keep drinking the next day but then he says there are days when all he thinks about is drinking but doesn't as he is at his mums. So why can he control it there but not at home are we not as important than his mum and uncle. I know they don't discuss his drinking with him
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It seems like he isn't letting the rest of his family down only because they have lower expectations for him. His ma may think his simply being there, even while drinking, is perfectly acceptable, while you (quite rightly, imho) expect him to remain sober as well. And if he continues to drink while over there there, I question how much help he is truly able to provide. It's probably much more comfortable there too: he can feel good about himself for "helping" with his uncle's care while at the same time indulging himself with the alcohol he would feel guilty about drinking at home.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Have you read the big book of AA? The chapter to the wives is good. Also " How Al-Anon works" is another really good book. You might find some answers to your questions in those two books. Also " The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage"
I found Listening to speaker tapes helpful - It helped me sort out what was the disease and what was my Husband.
AA Speaker Tapes : Listen To Alcoholics Anonymous Speakers
I found Listening to speaker tapes helpful - It helped me sort out what was the disease and what was my Husband.
AA Speaker Tapes : Listen To Alcoholics Anonymous Speakers
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Confused---Perhaps it is about accepting that the DRINK is more important to him than anything else. He feels, obviously, more freedom to drink without interference elsewhere than with you and the kids..
dandylion
dandylion
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Originally Posted by Confused39
Do I accept that his mum and uncle are more important to him than the kids and I and he's willing to curb his drinking so it doesn't cause them more stress and upset or is it that as he can drink more often at his mums so doesn't need to keep drinking the next day but then he says there are days when all he thinks about is drinking but doesn't as he is at his mums. So why can he control it there but not at home are we not as important than his mum and uncle. I know they don't discuss his drinking with him
But, again, you are trying to find logic in an illogical problem. I think you should attend alanon meetings. You need some face to face support, too. You are only torturing yourself with this obsession about what he's thinking and why he does this or doesn't do that. PLEASE put your focus on taking care of your children and yourself. They need you; he doesn't.
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Confused, it is the easiest thing in the world to take the actions of an addict personally, but his choices are being driven by the addiction. He is not choosing one thing over another because they are more important to him or more worthy. He is flailing around in the cage of his addiction and denial. Lower your expectations, and take care of yourself.
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it's a lot EASIER to stay at mommy's house then it is to be home with your WIFE and CHILDREN and be fully present and responsible and not get to go drink and get drunk and be an a-hole. i bet mom does most if not all of the cooking and cleaning right? no rent expense or very little? he gets to act like he's 17 again. maybe he'll even get a paper route!
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He doesn't have to do anything at his mums dinner is cooked washing done he just has to visit his uncle every night after work then twice a day at the weekends. He can drink when he wants no responsibilities. What I don't understand is he says that when he drinks now he doesn't feel guilty and doesn't experience the periods of low depressions that he would have had when he was living at home. This would have been the times when he promised me he would get help and do whatever it took so he wouldn't lose me before he talked himself round to being able to manage himself. So my question is this is he no longer experiencing the periods of quite deep depression because he is no longer at home and doesn't have to be accountable to me and is this why he doesn't feel guilty after drinking or was it me that made his so depressed. I keep jumping from it's his addiction that is making him make these choices or was he so unhappy at home wi me. Although he says although he was unhappy at home but was happy with me? I am so confused
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It's a lot harder to be a grown-up than a child, isn't it? Who wouldn't want to go back home and not only get a pass on the chores but be the darling of mommy's eye again?
Seriously, sometimes the demands of maintaining a family and household can be overwhelming. Throw in guilt/shame at not meeting those demands, top it off with drinking more than he should, and I bet he is more depressed at home where those things aren't acceptable than at his ma's where they are tolerated. YOU'RE not the reason he's depressed (the fact he's an alcoholic with a terminally ill family member just might have something to do with it......), but a handy excuse.
Seriously, sometimes the demands of maintaining a family and household can be overwhelming. Throw in guilt/shame at not meeting those demands, top it off with drinking more than he should, and I bet he is more depressed at home where those things aren't acceptable than at his ma's where they are tolerated. YOU'RE not the reason he's depressed (the fact he's an alcoholic with a terminally ill family member just might have something to do with it......), but a handy excuse.
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Originally Posted by Confused39
He doesn't have to do anything at his mums dinner is cooked washing done he just has to visit his uncle every night after work then twice a day at the weekends. He can drink when he wants no responsibilities. What I don't understand is he says that when he drinks now he doesn't feel guilty and doesn't experience the periods of low depressions that he would have had when he was living at home. This would have been the times when he promised me he would get help and do whatever it took so he wouldn't lose me before he talked himself round to being able to manage himself. So my question is this is he no longer experiencing the periods of quite deep depression because he is no longer at home and doesn't have to be accountable to me and is this why he doesn't feel guilty after drinking or was it me that made his so depressed. I keep jumping from it's his addiction that is making him make these choices or was he so unhappy at home wi me. Although he says although he was unhappy at home but was happy with me? I am so confused
Ive been reading this book called Get Your Loved One Sober, Alternatives to nagging, pleading and threatening. Ive worked through a chapter on mapping the addictive behaviors. Precursors to the drinking (what triggers it), how the pattern plays out with the drinking, what the consequences are to the drinker and to those around him after he drinks (like you or his parents when hes with them).
Its fascinating to me when I started looking at my husbands patterns. When he comes home from work what kind of mood he's in. How I respond to that mood, and what happens next. Im seeing I actually do have power (at least at times) to change the outcome of his pattern based on my response to his initial mood. He will go off in a positive direction instead of sinking lower. Over time the dynamics change, the map can change.
If you like to read I would suggest checking out the book. You might find it helpful in making sense out of what currently makes no sense. There are patterns there, but its hidden from you right now is what I think.
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