The Roller Coaster

Old 05-14-2014, 12:01 PM
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The Roller Coaster

Been up since 3 am with my son, and I have clients today. Did my AH get up with him? Jobless 6 years, and I'm dead tired and working and maintaining kids. I also work from home most days. Like today.

I'm distancing myself. Detaching. Going through the motions of I'm strong and in control, to wanting to die, feeling like I'm dying a slow death. My heart is breaking. I hate alcohol. I hate him. I hate myself. I hate my weaknesses.

I hate that after years and years of therapy, overcoming a childhood of abuse that I've allowed myself to go back, to be broken down to little pieces by this asshat making me feel 13 years old again at the hands of my father. Everyone here is right. He will never care, he will never give two sh*ts about what he does to this family. You are all right. He could just care less. He will NEVER get help. NEVER.

So why do I care? I wish I could answer. Why do I love him so much? Why am I still in this mess with this person who cares more about a can of liquid than the mother of his child, the person who allows him to live in a beautiful home and not even contribute monetarily or emotionally? Why? Where are these answers? I don't have them, I don't.

Is it rejection? Does rejection keep me coming back? Living for those tiny moments of love? Only to be hurt again and again. He's mentally ill.

So why do I keep trying? I'm so stupid. I ask myself all these questions and have the worst answers possible, not even answers, just all the crappy things he's done, and I am still heartbroken.

I want to shake him into seeing, just see me, see how much I love you and STOP! Just listen to me and love me! Why won't you just do this one simple thing? Be empathetic, talk to me, be a partner to me, not a can of liquid, not our male neighbor! Stop hiding your drinking, just stop it. Please, I'm begging you, stop it.

But he won't, and now I know that.

I was going to delete this but I feel like I need it out there in the world. I just do. I sound crazy, I know. I feel so helpless. I just don't have the strength to put on my big girl pants. I don't. So today I'm going to do nothing but work and take care of kids. And the same tomorrow. Until I guess one day it will be different.
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:05 PM
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You don't sound crazy, you sound helpless and depressed. Be extra kind to yourself and do something nice for yourself after work today. You don't have to solve it all at once, just start filling up your own tank. What if someone told you you could give yourself the love you want from him? What if you were the source of the empathy and caring you need so much?

xx
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:13 PM
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I want to shake him into seeing, just see me, see how much I love you and STOP! Just listen to me and love me! Why won't you just do this one simple thing? Be empathetic, talk to me, be a partner to me, not a can of liquid, not our male neighbor! Stop hiding your drinking, just stop it. Please, I'm begging you, stop it.

what if you go to the mirror and say this to YOURSELF:

SEE me, just see ME, see how much i love you and just STOP it. listen to ME (i'm right here inside you) and LOVE me. Why won't you do this one simple thing for me? Be empathetic, listen to me, give me your attention, put ME first. Please I'm begging you.
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:14 PM
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You don't sound crazy; you sound very familiar.

You don't have to have all the answers right now. Right now, it is absolutely enough that you are asking the questions. They weigh a ton, I know. But they aren't insurmountable. I am living proof of that.
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