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Well, We're Done

Old 05-14-2014, 12:12 PM
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Well, We're Done

I have the divorce papers sitting in my inbox ready to be signed. After this, STBXAH will sign the papers and then the judge will sign the papers.

I filed almost exactly a year ago. I was separated from him physically for six months before that. During our separation time, I learned whether or not he would be a different man if I weren't present to deal with him (Answer: whether or not I hurt his sobriety is debatable, but my presence certainly didn't help do anything other than enable his sickness to continue mostly unabated). The years before that were studded with occasional happy times, but were mostly depressed and stormy landscapes. Lots of depression and uncertainty.

I did not have to go to court other than my original court date determining a temporary custody order (http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...e-today-2.html). On that thread, MsPINKAcres said: "Yes it does suck and no this is not what we wanted for our lives ~ but we do have a program of recovery that can help us thru it." Of all the ink spilled on this and other threads, even now when I read this, it makes me feel at peace. In that statement was everything I was beginning to accept as true: My marriage was over. My beloved husband was a chronic alcoholic and I did not have the expertise or will to help him, or to stand by his side any longer. This was not what I wanted, and yes it hurts sometimes, but I have the tools available to me to deal with life on life's terms and I will be fine. That I must make the CHOICE to change for my own health was implied. The choice was made.

I don't believe my STBXAH is a bad guy, but he has a lot of problems, and to date has lacked the ability for whatever reason to live independently and sober. He is about to turn 36, he's unemployed without job prospects or any higher education and a spotty employment record, he lives in his parents' basement and they pay for everything he needs, including his gas and cigarettes, and his child support and his divorce lawyer. His inability to manage his disease has put his whole life in a tailspin, and my only option to save myself and my kids was to leave him. I was completely unaware of how deeply his addiction and its side effects affected us until he was gone and I started picking up the wreckage. The amount of literal and figurative garbage I shed after he was gone is ASTOUNDING. I'm still shedding it, and I feel like I will be for a long time. I'm still hungry to see and hear about others' experiences with addiction. There seems to be a lot in the media right now about people finding sobriety and reflecting on their use, and I can't not see it. I'm still processing how I got here and why. It's a long and fascinating road, sometimes sad, sometimes illuminating, but I feel this journey is necessary for me.

I thank the SR community for being here for me and for giving me consistent and thoughtful advice and experience. This along with individual counseling changed my life for the better -- it changed everything, from how I work, to how I parent, to how I deal with my relationships with my exes and my emotionally deregulated parents. Today I have a full life, lots of interests, and the energy to pursue them. I am the happiest I have ever been, and I feel like I have the tools and confidence to manage my life that I never had before.

I can be blunt with others on the board, but it was others' bluntness -- telling me when I was being rigid and controlling, suggesting alternative ways of looking at my situation -- alongside my hopelessness and desperation that finally knocked me into action. I moved in baby steps, trying to erect boundaries with people who were dead-set on ignoring them, until I stood up for myself and decided I absolutely could NOT live like this anymore. But I had to stop nurturing my fear, and put my new knowledge into action, no matter how many people around me were against a new Florence.

Thanks again, folks. You're amazing.

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Old 05-14-2014, 12:20 PM
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You are someone who has been enormously helpful to me time and time again and I read your post here and felt sad for you-- not that it's sad you have moved forward as you had to because your STBX simply can't choose to get well, but because it's sad to have it nearly be officially done, since after all, we don't go into marriage assuming anything other than that it will work.

You didn't contribute to his drinking or hurt his sobriety and you can't help him now anymore than you could when you were together.

Good for you for being strong enough to do the hard work of removing yourself from the marriage before he dragged you down too...

xoxo
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:24 PM
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Once it's all notarized I'll tell you guys about the divorce process and how it went. I've been very quiet about it out of paranoia.
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:27 PM
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Amazing to read, both because I'm happy for you and also because I'm starting the divorce process. He hasn't been served yet. I thought I'd be so happy. I'm OUT, I see my baby lots, staying in a clean peaceful place, healthier....but so sad. I don't even love him and haven't in awhile. Don't want to be with him. But reading this helped a lot. My AH is 34 and his parents pay for everything. Not sure if they'll hire the lawyer. Did your husband stay involved with the kids? How did your inlaws handle it? Please forgive me if my questions are too forward. I too need to read stories similar to mine. : ) Congratulations on your story and your strength; looks like you'll have a happy ending!
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:28 PM
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Big hugs to you Florence!!!! I too have gained a lot from your perspective and I thank you for all you have shared!

XXX
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Old 05-14-2014, 12:34 PM
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Reading this post makes me want to cry. I feel your emotions when I read this. It is sad that our A's choose not to get healthy which ultimately puts the situation back on us. Stay or leave. The only two choices we get and neither are very appealing at times. Sad, really. We get better, and sometimes they don't. I miss my AH. I hope he chooses to get better, but its not my decision. I can only make myself better and that hurts. Thank you for the post.
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Old 05-14-2014, 01:29 PM
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You have been so tremendously helpful and such a wise voice here, and I am sad it had to come to this and at the same time happy that you can continue building your life free from alcoholism.

You are a precious, lovely person and I do hope for good things, green grass, and lots of laughter ahead for you!
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Old 05-14-2014, 01:37 PM
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Florence, I too have gotten a lot of help from your posts. That bluntness you mention is one of the things I value most about you--I don't like having to wonder "what did she mean by that?" and with you, there is not a doubt! Even in a long thread, I always read your posts carefully rather than skimming thru.

I'm glad you're moving forward and I wish you all the best as you continue your recovery!
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