Did not engage.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Did not engage.....
Ok, so I am feeling proud of myself today.
My XAH comes over in the mornings to pick up my older DD. This has been working out and we have been getting along pretty well the past couple of weeks.
This morning he was a little early he had to get some stuff from the garage. All that was just fine. He just had his tattoo covered with something else. All good and fine, I don't care. So, he tells me he saw a mutual friend of ours last night who asked to see it and then asked what his wife thinks about it. He told her that I left him.
It really ticked me off. No, I did not leave you. You are an alcoholic that pushed me too far and I kicked you out. However, I kept my cool and just said, "I wish you would not say it quite that way." He said, "Why, it's the truth." I did not engage at all. I just said, "If that's how you need to see it, ok." I then walked back upstairs and went on about my business.
So...I am really proud of myself today. That was hard for me. Before all my self work I would have ranted and raved about how he caused all of this...blah...blah...blah. Now, I just went on and did not let it get under my skin. I proved to myself and hopefully to him too that no matter how hard he tries, I am not going to fall for the manipulation.
So..that's all. I have not shared this with anyone because it seems silly, like such a small thing. However, I knew you fine friends would understand how hard that really is.
Thanks for letting me get this out! It's important to track the good, not just the bad!
My XAH comes over in the mornings to pick up my older DD. This has been working out and we have been getting along pretty well the past couple of weeks.
This morning he was a little early he had to get some stuff from the garage. All that was just fine. He just had his tattoo covered with something else. All good and fine, I don't care. So, he tells me he saw a mutual friend of ours last night who asked to see it and then asked what his wife thinks about it. He told her that I left him.
It really ticked me off. No, I did not leave you. You are an alcoholic that pushed me too far and I kicked you out. However, I kept my cool and just said, "I wish you would not say it quite that way." He said, "Why, it's the truth." I did not engage at all. I just said, "If that's how you need to see it, ok." I then walked back upstairs and went on about my business.
So...I am really proud of myself today. That was hard for me. Before all my self work I would have ranted and raved about how he caused all of this...blah...blah...blah. Now, I just went on and did not let it get under my skin. I proved to myself and hopefully to him too that no matter how hard he tries, I am not going to fall for the manipulation.
So..that's all. I have not shared this with anyone because it seems silly, like such a small thing. However, I knew you fine friends would understand how hard that really is.
Thanks for letting me get this out! It's important to track the good, not just the bad!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
......am smiling here! I know how difficult it is to go against the first impulse to react.
congrats!!!!!! here's what many "normies" don't get.....if we DO react in our old way, we begin to lose our control and could spiral right back into that black hole.
so you are so right.....others just don't quite understand the brakes we have to put on our minds and tongues.
congrats!!!!!! here's what many "normies" don't get.....if we DO react in our old way, we begin to lose our control and could spiral right back into that black hole.
so you are so right.....others just don't quite understand the brakes we have to put on our minds and tongues.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
That was hard for me. Before all my self work I would have ranted and raved about how he caused all of this...blah...blah...blah. Now, I just went on and did not let it get under my skin. I proved to myself and hopefully to him too that no matter how hard he tries, I am not going to fall for the manipulation.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
Great Job not engaging!!
My STBXAH said the sme thing. I overheard him on the phone telling his friend that he just found out that his wife of 13 years was leaving him and what a kick in the gut it was. I chose not to engage too. It's their delusional mind and failure to take any responsibility for what the true issues really are
My STBXAH said the sme thing. I overheard him on the phone telling his friend that he just found out that his wife of 13 years was leaving him and what a kick in the gut it was. I chose not to engage too. It's their delusional mind and failure to take any responsibility for what the true issues really are
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Yes! Great job! Whenever I feel the urge to defend or get caught up in one of his crazy making conversations I ask myself the Al Anon slogan: How important is it? and then I remind myself that I don't have to always be right or prove that I'm right.
FYI: that kind of stuff drives my AH crazy because he wants a fight, it's the only way he gets to communicate effectively for HIM and he likes to manipulate and control the argument. When I remove myself from those 'talks', it frustrates him so in the end I come out winning even though I wasn't really trying to win, I was just trying to protect myself from the roller coaster ride.
FYI: that kind of stuff drives my AH crazy because he wants a fight, it's the only way he gets to communicate effectively for HIM and he likes to manipulate and control the argument. When I remove myself from those 'talks', it frustrates him so in the end I come out winning even though I wasn't really trying to win, I was just trying to protect myself from the roller coaster ride.
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