kudzujean

Amy,

My active alcoholic father favored my older sister and slighted me to hurt my mother. Also he taught my older sister to beat up on me. I believe the SOB actually suggested that she do mean, sneaky, or malicious things.

He died when we were still kids, but the damage was done. I started referring to him by his first name some years ago. He might have been my biological father but he was not my "daddy."

I really appreciate your sharings in this thread

amy55

I was very triggered yesterday. When my daughter told me that she was told by my sister that I never wanted her, and that was why (my sister) had to become her second mom at the age of 16, I knew my daughter was telling me the truth. I had an earlier conversation with my sister that day, who also used that phrase, about being 16 and having to become a second mom.

It made me think back to a lot of conversations that I had with my sister through the years. There were many references to this which I just ignored so that I would not get into a fight with my sister.

I talked to my daughter again today, and told her that I believe her, and in a way that I was glad our conversation had gotten disconnected because I had a lot to think about last night. My daughter and I are good right now, maybe not the best, but it's a beginning.

My sister, --- I'm letting this drop, and asked my daughter to do the same. I can actually see and understand why she said what she said over the years to my daughter. My sister had always competed with me. She wanted what I had. (being dads favorite) She couldn't be dads favorite because my father had died, the next best thing would be to be my daughters favorite.

I'm actually very glad that all of this came to light.

I can also see how this was eating away at my daughter. Her father left us when she was 1, and there was no contact with him. So she felt abandoned not only by him, but later on by me, because of the above situation. When I got remarried and my then H adopted her, she clung to him. Then when I had 2 more children with him, I can understand her becoming confused as to why I could love them but not her.

The wedding day is going to be perfect. No more drama.

My mom thing. I already accepted years ago that she always loved me, that she had to give my sisters more affection to try to make up for the lack of affection they got from my dad.

Ariel1030

Amy, we have ridden very similar waters. My father abused me for years, then threw me in the trash. He then started hitting me, calling me names. Beat the crap out if me at a slumber party, which resulted in DCFS being called. He took my mom away. She was 17 when she had me so they were young and he controlled everything. I was eventually hospitalized for PTSD, at which time the amazing staff pointed out that I needed to move out of my house for good. (You think? I was 18 and had been in & out, living with friends). I loved school, it was my sanctuary. I wore a mask well - nobody could have told you what my life was really like, save the slumber party, but we were 13 and things were forgotten. He broke my thumb that night, and I am 5'1, he was 6'4 and huge, slamming his fist into my face so hard I couldn't get up. But it was all "normal" to me. Even the more terrible abuse when I was younger. It was normal. At DCFS they asked me if I wanted to move out. At 13, it was my decision. It was the only life I knew, and my "family" was at my school; I couldn't bear leaving that. I also had 2 younger brothers who were being a used emotionally, but I didn't know that then. I only knew they weren't being hit or worse. My parents were rarely home, when they were it was a nightmare.

At 12 (?) I learned to care for a baby, my brother, and run a household. These were summers. I was left lists of things to do. If it wasn't done I was punished...after DCFS, they couldn't hit, so punishment took the form of school functions. At 16 my co-op boss learned of my past SA, and called authorities. My school was so great, as was my case manager. They forced my parents into counseling and FINALLY there was accountability.

My parents used weed, no alcohol. My mom and I are on great terms now due to YEARS of therapy, and I have forgiven her. My dad is dead.

For those of you who read my first post, this may shed light on my need to be loved. And what that means, the issues it brings up. I'm new to alcohol, but not abuse.

To you, I want to say life goes on, it does get better. Of course these issues will din you regardless of how much counseling or self-education you have had. You are MORE than a mentally ill alcoholic says you are or were. We all need love...you just have to find it in the right places and remember that sometimes these issues can find us in the craziest of places and times.

Please be well and pm me if you need someone who has firsthand experience with the dad and fam of origin thing.

Hugs and love to you.