My soulmate
 

I am a young girl...I have been through a lot for my age though. I come from an abusive household and survived by a miracle. Two years ago I met my boyfriend...I've never shared anything like this before with anyone. He too has been through a lot of trauma. We relate in every way...but it goes much deeper than understanding one and others pain...we share this beautiful connection that I can only describe as a miracle. I feel as if he has always been a part of me. When we are together we are in pure joy...laughing and having fun...we found this childlike innocence within our relationship and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. We are both rooted in the same passions and philosophies too...we love to write and pray together. This man is simply my other half and best friend.

He has been drinking since before we met though...he started at around 15. I didn't know he was an alcoholic right away. He would drink frequently and say a few hurtful things...I figured he was only drunk...I didn't see that it was something he couldn't control. I sat him down one day and told him that I thought he should stop drinking because he wasn't the same to me when he did...I told him I how much it hurt...and at thought of losing me he stopped for a while...I never had experience with this sort of thing before...I thought it was all better....

When he started drinking again later on in that year it quickly progressed to something much worse. I realized this was an illness he had...he would drink, become sick and very depressed...and I would rush over and take care of him...I couldn't bare to see him suffer. These episodes weren't all of the time...in between everything still would be heavenly...but I couldn't ignore his problem...I could see it was going to kill him...

I have gotten him to go to AA meetings and even gone with him...he has moments when he knows he is an alcoholic...but these moments are brief...he then goes back to saying he has no problem with alcohol...that he can at least have a few drinks...eventually progressing back to blacking out drunk.

This past year has been the hardest...he has become physically abusive and really hurt me several times. I don't see him as a monster or anything like that though...this isn't him...he is under this addiction...the man I love...he is suffering...and that is all I see amid all of this. He did stop smoking pot after those violent moments...he was horrified with himself and broken about what he did. Smoking definitely changed his demeanor...this has made a difference and I am very proud of him. He still can't get past the alcohol though.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him...I will never leave him...I want more than anything to help him reach peace and relief. I love him so deeply. He truly is a good man. He has done more for me than anyone in my life ever has. He is generous and selfless in ways I never knew in others before...his heart is enormous and his soul is so deep. He has brought me closer to God than I ever could have fathomed. He is a such a gift...he just needs help...he has so much to offer.

It's been a few months since he has had any serious episodes. He is drinking a few drinks every day though. He can't seem to stay in awareness that he is an alcoholic...what do I do for him? We live so happily together most of the time...and we are planning to get married soon. I can't watch him on the days he destroys himself though...I feel so helpless...I can't force him into recovery...I can't enable him either...I feel in those moments my life has truly become hell...as I stand there losing the love of my life...I can try to save him...but I can't if he doesn't take my hand...if he doesn't open his eyes to the fact that he's drowning. All I can do is love him unconditionally...try to wrap as much love around him as I can...begging God for his deliverance from this captivity...waiting for the day when our joy and light will always take precedence...waiting because I refuse to have that without him there too.

Please, does anyone have advice for what I can do for him?
I've talked to his family but they are in denial too and even offer him drinks at gatherings. I have talked to a priest at our church who has offered his help...nothing seems to be reaching him yet. I've been told to leave him...that this would wake him up...but honestly he would probably just drink himself to death then...I can't walk away and take that risk...this problem exists whether or not I am there.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I think you'll find a lot of people here who can relate to your story. I married a man I loved; he was an alcoholic; I ended up trying everything and eventually leaving him to save my life. I don't have much encouragement for you. I think when we think of someone as our "soul mate" we limit our options. We tell ourselves "I will never have this kind of relationship with anyone ever again so I'd rather stay and be abused than leave and be unhappy."

I don't believe in soul mates. I believe it's something we tell ourselves to put a romantic shimmer on our everyday lives.

The hardest part of living with an alcoholic is to accept that there's not a thing you can do to make him stop drinking. As an alcoholic's disease progresses, there is less and less of the person you fell in love with and more and more of the alcoholic "monster" they turn into.

It's a horrible disease that you can't fight for him. But what you can do is stop focusing on helping him -- you can't -- and start focusing on helping you. Instead of making him go to AA, take yourself to Al-Anon. Nobody there is going to tell you to leave him. What you will learn there is how to live a rewarding life whether or not he stops drinking, whether or not you leave him.

Hugs luna, and welcome. So glad you posted.
Sounds like you've got a lot of your own identity and happiness staked on a relationship that is tumultuous and sometimes violent.
Nothing you do or say can convince him that he's an alcoholic who needs help. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
I too come from a background of turmoil and abuse, and when I was young I felt that the answer to all of my problems would be finding my soulmate. That magic relationship that would heal all of my hurts and last forever.
Mine was perfect in every way, except for the drinking, if only he could stop, I thought thAt everything would be absolutely perfect. But he didn't stop. The violent episodes escalated and got more frequent and the money trouble and the fights and the public humiliation. But he still didn't stop.
I took our son and left because we were no longer safe in that house with him. He is still drinking. I had the same concern- if I leave, what will become of him? The truth is, he will drink whether I am there or not. Nothing I do can alter the course of his disease.
I could and did alter the course of my life, though. Instead of hanging all my happiness on whether or not he was drinking and what his mood was that day, I have begun rebuilding my life. My children and I are safe and happy. I don't have to live in fear of the next big episode.
I've been attending Alanon meetings and doing individual therapy for several months. Those two things have helped me tremendously. So has reading and posting here. Be sure to check out the stickies on the top of the page.
I don't tell you this to try to get you to take a particular course of action, just wanted to share my story so you know you're not alone. Take care.

Well, Welcome.

Not an unusual story -- not so much for A-Land, but more for Mental Illness-land.

You understand what I am saying?

From the profile, Alcohol may not be the [only] Problem in there.

Hi Luna, and welcome to SR.

I know how much it hurts to love an addict.

It sounds like you've had some other painful experiences in your life. I'm so sorry to hear that. Are you by any chance an ACOA? Are you currently in any sort of counseling? I think a lot of us here, in similar situations to yourself, have found a combination of personal therapy and Alanon to be very helpful. Good Luck to you. Keep posting.

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Hi, Luna--welcome to SR. There is a lot of hard-won experience, strength and hope here. It's been a life-saver for me. You've gotten some good advice already, and I hope you can take it to heart.

The more you read here, the more you'll realize you're not alone. There are so many stories so much like yours. Make sure you don't miss the stickies at the top of the page also. Here's a sample of the kind of thing you'll find in that area: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I'd like to second those who suggest Alanon. It's a great source of information and support. Here's a link to help you find a meeting and also to provide some general info about what Alanon is and how it works: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ You also may find it helpful to read some Alanon literature. Often your local library will have some, and there's a ton of it available on Amazon also.

One more thing: I'd like to echo the thought about the "soul mate" label being potentially limiting. I agree; I think it helps to keep our blinders on so we're not open to the many, many other possibilities for finding happiness besides with that one particular person. You state that you're young, and I think that probably makes it even harder--age does bring a certain perspective. I expected my "soul mate" A to magically fix all my problems. Guess what? That didn't happen. Now, 20 years into the relationship, I'm finally learning that I need to be the one to fix my problems. At this point, he is 9 months sober, so far as I know, and we are still together so far. However, things are not perfect, and we may or may not end up staying together--there is a lot of water under the bridge, a lot of destroyed trust, a lot of uncertainty about who he even is, in reality, for me.

So again, welcome to SR. The more time you can spend here reading and the more you can learn about alcoholism, the better equipped you'll be to see clearly and make wise decisions for yourself. Wishing you strength and clarity.

Hello luna, Welcome to SR!

This statement right here sums it all up pretty well, imho. It sounds as though you have spoken to him about his drinking, have spoken to his family about his drinking, have spoken to your priest about what you might be able to do.

Yet through all of this effort, none of it has made a difference for him.

The sad truth is that unless and until he acknowledges there is a problem and works very hard to stay sober....for the rest of his life....there is very little you will be able to do. I hope you will continue to encourage him to seek treatment, but I hope that you won't hang your hopes on each new effort you make or promise he makes to stop drinking. Many alcoholics promise they will stop drinking, but it takes action on their part to make that happen.

I wish I could tell you there was some way to separate the loving young man from the abusive young man--but there is not. Not until he seeks professional help. You do not deserve to be abused by anyone.

If you can you love him, every aspect of him, as he is right now, great! If not, it sounds as though you have some decisions to make about your life and this relationship. You deserve to be treated with love, dignity and respect.

Welcome Luna,

My husband and I had that soulmate feeling for several years. But he was already a daily drinker and I did not see the red flags.

In year 20 of our marriage I figured out our soulmate connection was probably both of us having very similar adult child of alcoholic relational patterns. We have the same base issues and are a yin/yang of how to deal with them. Please look Into a ACOA Laundry List as it may hold some realizations for you in evaluating your relationship.

Peace to you.

Luna - Go back and read your original post. Take out the emotion. Imagine your best friend writing the story. What advise would you give your dear friend?

Hi, I am sorry that you may not be hearing what you would like to hear. Relationships with an A is really hard. It takes everything out of you and the A. It changes you as a person. You start to become something you never would have imagined you would be. All of us who are with or have been with an A are extremely strong people, but we get worn down. Broken. I love my AH with all my heart, but he has to be the strong one now. I cannot help him, fix it, or take it away. All I can do is pray he gets better and that we can work through the aftermath of all thats been betrayed. BTW, you will be betrayed over and over and over. No one here is going to sugarcoat anything. We have to be honest, for your sake.

Please keep reading things on this site and keep sharing. It's good for the soul. And if nothing else, please go to alanon and start working a program.

I know what I am going to say is a difficult thought to think...but, soulmate and physically abusive and really hurt me several times don't go together in the same sentence.
It's really difficult to consider changing the way we think about someone we love when we are convinced they have a certain role in our lives. That what we have believed very strongly may not add up to loving behavior from that person.

It's up to you of course whether you change your beliefs on that. You have the right to disregard what I say. You might try looking at it from that point of view, just for a minute.
I really feel that we, sometimes, have to reconsider how we define a person we may love, and that is very hard to do. Redefining them...differently than our hopes and dreams.
I know it hurts emotionally to look at him in any other way than as your soulmate.
He is hurting you, physically, and emotionally.
And that is so hard to accept.
Do soulmates do that?
You don't have to answer that question to anyone but yourself.

I second Blueskies post. It's so hard to see when you are emotionally invested. You love this man and he has brought a lot of great qualities to your life. As wonderful as this man may be when he is sober, he is verbally and physically abusing you when he is not. You mention he drinks everyday so at least once everyday he is not sober and the potential for harm exists. That is not a "soulmate" in any sense of the word. Healthy partners in a healthy relationships do not hurt one another.

Domestic violence tends to get worse over time. He has hurt you before and he will hurt you again without treatment or intervention. You say you are young and planning to get married. Are you planning to have children? There is a potential he may hurt them too? It sounds like this man has some deep seeded issues he needs to address. You cannot force him into treatment for any of his issues. He may change, he may not. The question you need to ask yourself is, are you willing to accept him the way he is now because that is what he is offering you? The bad comes with the good. It sounds like he is in denial about the true problems in your relationship.

Didn't finish reading yet. LUNA DON'T MARRY HIM. Your story is my story and a million other women like us. I thought my husband was my soul mate. I never loved.like that.

And he abused me throughout my pregnancy. Should have been the best time of our lives, right? First and only baby. Accepting that an alcoholic man and abusive man are two separate problems within the same man was excruciating. But you cannot blame the abuse on the alcohol. He hurts you to control you or make you feel so bad that you won't leave....whatever reason he does it.led you here. It probably won't get better. I have no reason to hurt you by posting this. I've just been there and wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Sorry you are going through this.

The best advice I can give is that you can't help him. Only he can help himself. as hard as that is to accept, its the truth. You can work yourself down to the bone, to the point that all you know is sorrow, but they won't be effected. As long as you are taking care of him, he will stay an alcoholic.

You said you are worried he will drink himself to death if you leave....he will do that either way. You have to think what you want. Do you want to watch him do that? or do you want to live your own life?

Good luck. Its hard, It took me a long time to realize that my alcoholic isn't a hurt puppy. Hes a grown man who has a disease that he refuses to get treated.

You can't make someone go get chemo for cancer, you can't make them get treatment for alcoholism.

Luna, I came across this in my recovery folder and wanted to post the link for you, as it may be helpful.

Toxic Love - the dysfunctional, addictive, cultural norm

So sorry to hear the pain in your story, and also terrified we might someday hear a very bad end to that story. You post you fear he might drink himself to death if you leave him. Probably some truth in that. But it's just as likely he will drink himself AND YOU to death if you stay.

Hi Luna, welcome to sr, some very sensible words just stated.

I'm ashamed to say I was the drinker, well we both were but husband stopped I didn't..
It got worse and worse, I secretly wanted to control my drinking but not enough to stop.

It took a shock for me when my husband left me, due to another issue, but I realised I wanted a relationship with him more than I did with drink.

It's taking a while to get my marriage back, although we reconciled quite quickly, that was the easy part. I've found in recovery I drank to cover up past things I couldn't cope with.

My dad drank and he could be a monster to my mum and us when drunk, but a lovely father when sober, jeckyl and Hyde.

I hope you can find help and assistance to do what is right for you.