amy55

In my other thread I said that my daughter called me, and I was taking a break before I called her back. I took a 3 hour break, was going to be all this nicey nice stuff.

So, I listened to her message again, how she wants to smooth things over, how she loves me and misses me, blah, blah, blah.....

So, I still call her back, I'm calm, and guess what? She actually answers!!!

I'm ready now for all the nice formalities. You know, all that stuff. I just want this wedding to go well. Then she says, did you listen to my message that I want to smooth things over. I lost it then. I started to cry. I asked her how do you think that I felt when you came to visit me in August, and then did not contact me at all, or answer any of my phone calls for months?

I asked her when she did contact me in November to think about coming to her house for Thanksgiving, then she never mentioned again, but sent me a photo of her, my other daughter, and my sons fiance would have affected me, when she didn't even say "Happy Thanksgiving"?

I asked her how she would feel, if she was contacted after Christmas by her sons, setting up a date for Christmas in January?

I told her that I didn't even know that she wasn't speaking to me, and that I never knew why.

I didn't mention my sons wedding, except to say, can you please correct my address. I let the rest go.

So now, she wants to go shopping for a wedding dress for me to wear. I told her I took care of that.

Now she wants to spend a weekend with me, I told her, I'm not ready for that.

Then she wants me to spend the first night with her for my sons wedding in the hotel with her. I told her I already got a room. My friend is coming with me and hubby and son are staying home, so no to that also.

Then she tells me about all this stuff that she is doing with the lupus foundation. I told her that on mothers day, I googled all of their names, and I know exactly what she is doing, and that the jewelry she is making is terrific, and that I am very proud of her.

Am I being a b!tch because I don't want to even try to move this relationship any further? I have tried, and tried some more. I guess sometimes in the past, I could see we had communication difficulties. There was nothing this time. She had stopped contact, which I did respect, because oh wow, I am afraid of another RO, but this time, there was nothing. She stopped talking to me, and then went and contacted my relatives to smear me.

Oh, but she sounded so good today. She wants to make everything better.

She is my child, but how many times do I let her hurt me, or buy the same bull from her? My lawyer had advised me years ago, that she was out to get me. He advised me to stay away from her, and to always remember that whatever I say can and will be used against me in a court of law, and that she would do that.

I have to, and I will be good till my sons wedding. I really just want to cut her out of my life. And I hate saying that.

anykey

you had me up to the point of the lawyer.

trust but verify.

try to keep things stable. What I mean is- let the goal be that you dont want it to be worse.

hopeful4

(((amy55)))

The hurt she has caused you is huge. You don't have to be a therapist to hear that in your post! I think you should just take some time, think, don't try to rush into any decision for a while. I have heard so many times on here it's ok to love someone from afar. I believe that. Some people just cause so much pain that it's not possible to have a relationship with them.

Question, has she ever actually acknowledged those things, has she every shown remorse or sorrow for all that has happened? Has she shown if she has changed at all? I guess those would be the things I would be looking for.

No matter what your decision is, I support you my friend! I hope you go to that wedding in your cute dress and enjoy your time there! Don't get caught up in drama, just enjoy the day and don't let her take any of the joy out of it for you.

XXX

amy55

Sorry bout that. The lawyer thing is the lawyer that I hired when she had filed an RO against me, that the judge threw out of court, when my own daughter said that I stayed with her for 5 months when she was bedridden with a pregnancy, and how could she fear for her life from me, if I did this, and helped her this way.

anykey

if the lawyer has warned you- I think you should heed that advice.

Court things make life a living hell. Avoid that at all costs.

anykey

I am 50 and never had kids. When I read things like this I find it heart breaking.

amy55

To answer these questions, they are all "no". Since she did now win in court, it is like it didn't exist, didn't happen.

I asked a few years ago, if she believes me that I didn't do what she accused me of, she told me "no", that she had proof. I asked her what kind of proof?

What I know about the court thing is that she took me there because supposedly I called DYFS, CPS, or whatever other states call it, and Social Security about her. Supposedly an anonymous tip. When we went to court that day the only thing that she could say was that I had bi-polar, because I was taking low dose klonipin for anxiety and low dosage of seroquil for sleep. This was her research because, yes, I was on meds, for PTSD.

If she had proof, like she said she had, she would have submitted it.

So, no, no remorse, no nothing, I guess it is all still that I am just a head case that she has to deal with. (lol)

BlueSkies1

If someone stabbed me in the back once, I'd think it was a misunderstanding. If they stabbed me twice, I'd think our relationship needed work. If they stabbed me 3 times, I'd decide they had it out for me, had it out for everybody, or is BPD. Just your post makes me think BPD, antisocial, something greatly amiss.

Amy...just watch your back.
Trust your own feelings, not what she says.
Don't let her find a way to stir things up just to find a way to destroy your happiness getting to see your son get married. I'd be worried she isn't in the planning stages of something nasty.

hopeful4

That would make things very hard to swallow. Maybe one day you can have a meaningful, non-confrontational conversation with her explaining how this hurt you and damaged your relationship. Possibly a letter. Maybe not. It's worth not making any snap judgements on and just thinking about it for a while.

Either way, take good care of you. You are no head case. You deserve to be the best you can be both physically and mentally. If that means no relationship with her, that's what it means. Only you can decide that.

XXX

amy55

I actually also did or do think BPD. This last thing made no sense to me whatsoever. We were speaking, getting along great, then I was painted "black". The worst person ever.

I'm really good about my sons wedding. Nothing will destroy that now, or at least on my part.

lillamy

I think you are wise to not take any steps towards a reconciliation with her right now. The wedding is the thing to focus on; to be able to go there and not be frightened or anxious.

After that, who knows. But you know yourself and know what you're ready for, and you're not ready to try to "smooth things over" (which by the way is usually what people say when they know they've behaved badly but don't want to take responsibility for it).

hopeful4

What's the saying, More will be revealed. I agree, it's wise for you to sit back now and enjoy the upcoming wedding and not have to feel stress during this time.

amy55

Oh, she was saying that she was sorry, and that she has no excuse for her behavior, but not this time. This time I am not believing it. I would rather limited contact with her, so that my sons wedding goes ok.

She actually even told me that she didn't know what Sean, my son did with the invites. Well I know different, I know she was the one who sent them.

Still I let that go also.

PS -This had to do when I asked her to correct my address

amy55

uuummmm, I don't know what to say. I had another conversations with my daughter today, I just came right out and asked her why she would tell my cousin that I never wanted her?

I tried to not do this, it just came out.

She told me that my sister had told her that many years ago. She said my sister told her that she did not want to be a 16 yr old mother, but she had to be because "I" didn't want my daughter, and she as a 16 yr old had to take care of her.

Wow is all I can say.

I was 19 when I had this daughter, my sister was 18.

The only reason this is bugging me is because I talked to my sis yesterday. She had brought up that she was 16 taking care of my daughter.

Yes, I worked full time, my mother took care of my daughter. My sister might have changed possibly 5 diapers.

I remember phone calls now with my sis, that she said that I should be happy that she was my daughters second mom, because my daughter couldn't talk to me.

There is a lot more I can say, but I think I am back to therapy

Live

I would be wary as hell.

In reading what she wants..it sounds very controlling to me. she wants you on her program for her plans for what she wants the wedding details to be and is just trying to get you to go along from dress to hotel.

That's not a relationship.

It hurts, I know.

amy55

email to my daughter------



I didn't hang up before, I also don't know about anything you ever heard. I just want to say that when I found out I was pregnant, and I was having you, I knew that I loved you then. My mom, G-Ma had offered to adopt you, so that I could have my life. I wanted you instead. I wanted you to be my daughter, not my sister. I wanted you.



--------------------------

I sent this email to her today. I really don't know at this point what she is thinking. I really hope she is not thinking that I never wanted her.

I am crying right now thinking about all of this.

Rosiepetal

I think you have handled this situation well.
The past is very ugly but today you have strong boundaries in place to prevent further problems.
Of course it is only natural you wish things were different but they're not so boundaries are there to protect you & keep you on the road of recovery.
Hugs.

amy55

Ok, I just want everyone to read my last posts. I may have f--k'd up here, but maybe not. I think finally things are starting to come out.

Seren

Amy

amy55

I guess my question now is how to repair things? I know my daughter still has her faults, I still have mine, my sister still has hers.

I'm thinking that I have some knowledge of what was going on. Is it being codie on my part to try to be OK with everyone.?

I know, that no matter what, I want my daughter to know that I had always wanted her, and that I love her, that I always did., that I always wanted her.

I do have outstanding issues on other things with my daughter, but I think we can deal with this. Or at least I think I can.

I think my sis has to be left out of everything, or else that will turn into another war.