Is this normal????
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Is this normal????
Okay.... where to start??? My husband was sober for 8 years and a year ago decided to pick up again. We have had episodes of stumbling drunk, mean drunk, hide it.... don't hide it, stop.... start again. I have felt so much sadness over the year. Heart splitting in two sadness. I have been going to Al-Anon...thank God for Al-Anon.
I do the steps right..... I do the steps wrong. I pick myself up and try it again. I have reached the point of knowing I have to detach. When I come across a bottle of alcohol I no longer throw it out. I leave it and walk away. I have started going and doing the things I want to do. I am trying to take care of me again. The year has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. I can't drop any more weight and if I don't detach I will lose my mind too.
Here's the question...... I have moved from sad to MAD as hell! He pretends all night that he is not drinking just to drink the minute I go to bed and "hide" his liquor in the garage. Low and behold I run across it when I move a box to find my garden tools. It totally infuriates me! Even when I don't run across his bottles I am still FURIOUS with him. I feel like I could stand in front of him and scream at him until his head blew off. I am NOT that person! IS THIS NORMAL??? Or am I really losing my mind now???
I do the steps right..... I do the steps wrong. I pick myself up and try it again. I have reached the point of knowing I have to detach. When I come across a bottle of alcohol I no longer throw it out. I leave it and walk away. I have started going and doing the things I want to do. I am trying to take care of me again. The year has taken a toll on me emotionally and physically. I can't drop any more weight and if I don't detach I will lose my mind too.
Here's the question...... I have moved from sad to MAD as hell! He pretends all night that he is not drinking just to drink the minute I go to bed and "hide" his liquor in the garage. Low and behold I run across it when I move a box to find my garden tools. It totally infuriates me! Even when I don't run across his bottles I am still FURIOUS with him. I feel like I could stand in front of him and scream at him until his head blew off. I am NOT that person! IS THIS NORMAL??? Or am I really losing my mind now???
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Hi Patticakes, welcome to SR! I'm sorry for what brings you here, but I'm really glad you're here for the support. 
I hope you don't mind that I checked your previous post to see if there was any other background. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...1175-loss.html
For myself, some of what I went through with internal rage was normal and some was partly losing my mind. Reading through all the stickies at the top of this forum really helped me, especially all the ones about abuse. I had skipped some of them for years, including the abuse ones, thinking they didn't apply to me. It was when I read the one about how an abuser thinks that I finally realized the emotional abuse going on in my marriage. Knowledge is power. First Awareness, then Acceptance (realization of how things are), then Action. I revisit these steps time and again and that can take as long as we need to in any part of our recovery process. Baby steps. Progress, not perfection.
No amount of abuse of any kind is okay. It is completely wrong. There is help and support at our local domestic violence centers. They usually have a hotline that's staffed 24 hours a day and the national hotline is also available anytime.
1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Have you or your husband received any individual therapy? Did he ever go to rehab or actively work a recovery program in the past?
It's okay to turn this over to others who can deal with him. What I didn't know for the longest time was that I could call 911 or the sheriff's office for help, even for things as simple as when he was passed out and I was worried for myself and didn't know what to do or how to handle my life or who I was becoming.
I hope you don't mind that I checked your previous post to see if there was any other background. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...1175-loss.html
For myself, some of what I went through with internal rage was normal and some was partly losing my mind. Reading through all the stickies at the top of this forum really helped me, especially all the ones about abuse. I had skipped some of them for years, including the abuse ones, thinking they didn't apply to me. It was when I read the one about how an abuser thinks that I finally realized the emotional abuse going on in my marriage. Knowledge is power. First Awareness, then Acceptance (realization of how things are), then Action. I revisit these steps time and again and that can take as long as we need to in any part of our recovery process. Baby steps. Progress, not perfection.
No amount of abuse of any kind is okay. It is completely wrong. There is help and support at our local domestic violence centers. They usually have a hotline that's staffed 24 hours a day and the national hotline is also available anytime.
1-800-799-7233
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Have you or your husband received any individual therapy? Did he ever go to rehab or actively work a recovery program in the past?
It's okay to turn this over to others who can deal with him. What I didn't know for the longest time was that I could call 911 or the sheriff's office for help, even for things as simple as when he was passed out and I was worried for myself and didn't know what to do or how to handle my life or who I was becoming.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
You have a right to be mad. Detatching does not mean putting up with lies and abuse. Detatching means you need to basically not let his alcoholism control your life. That you are still pursuing peace and happiness without being entangled in his BS.
You have a right to peace. You have a right to be safe and not be emoationally, verbally, or physically abused. You have a right to demand that those you love be open and honest.
Only you can decide how much you can put up with.
Good Luck and God Bless.
You have a right to peace. You have a right to be safe and not be emoationally, verbally, or physically abused. You have a right to demand that those you love be open and honest.
Only you can decide how much you can put up with.
Good Luck and God Bless.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Yes, this is totally normal. In the beginning of my recovery I did not detach with love, I detached with rage.
I had to accept that I was powerless to change my AW and I couldn't stand things the way they were so the only thing left to change was me. I ended up moving out, that was a little over 3 years ago. Not saying that is the right thing for you but I think you are reaching that point where you know something has to give.
Just remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
I had to accept that I was powerless to change my AW and I couldn't stand things the way they were so the only thing left to change was me. I ended up moving out, that was a little over 3 years ago. Not saying that is the right thing for you but I think you are reaching that point where you know something has to give.
Just remember, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
((((hugs))))
Your friend,
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
Thank you Keeping the Faith and Hopeful! It is SO helpful to have others to bounce feelings and thoughts off of!! People that understand.... been there, done that.
In ways I feel like I am going through the grieving process along with detaching.
Keeping the Faith, yes he has been through rehab and for "most" of the 8 years he was sober he was working the AA program. I knew he was skating on thin ice when he stopped going to meetings 2 years ago. Which is one of the reasons I think I am so angry.... he should know better. He KNOWS there is another option and he is blatantly not choosing it.
After the incident with him grabbing my wrists and bruising me he has reduced what he is drinking and doing it after I go to bed. Somehow I think he has convinced himself that he can control it. Once again....he should know better. That last incident put me in this place of learning about detachment and trying to take care of me now. He very obviously is seeing a difference in me and has been trying to be helpful and nice to me. He is asking to do things together, trying to plan outings together. I just don't want anything to do with that right now though. Especially since I know he is still "sneaking" drinking behind my back.
If things escalate again as I am trying to figure out where I am I will without hesitation call 911 and follow through with separation/divorce. I cannot and will not live the rest of my life with an active alcoholic. I am just trying to get my feet under me again, my head and heart straight so when I do make my decision I will know I have thought it all through. I was taken back by the intense anger I am feeling towards him. Thank you so much for responding. It never ceases to amaze me how much being connected to this disease can make you feel like you are losing your mind.
In ways I feel like I am going through the grieving process along with detaching.
Keeping the Faith, yes he has been through rehab and for "most" of the 8 years he was sober he was working the AA program. I knew he was skating on thin ice when he stopped going to meetings 2 years ago. Which is one of the reasons I think I am so angry.... he should know better. He KNOWS there is another option and he is blatantly not choosing it.
After the incident with him grabbing my wrists and bruising me he has reduced what he is drinking and doing it after I go to bed. Somehow I think he has convinced himself that he can control it. Once again....he should know better. That last incident put me in this place of learning about detachment and trying to take care of me now. He very obviously is seeing a difference in me and has been trying to be helpful and nice to me. He is asking to do things together, trying to plan outings together. I just don't want anything to do with that right now though. Especially since I know he is still "sneaking" drinking behind my back.
If things escalate again as I am trying to figure out where I am I will without hesitation call 911 and follow through with separation/divorce. I cannot and will not live the rest of my life with an active alcoholic. I am just trying to get my feet under me again, my head and heart straight so when I do make my decision I will know I have thought it all through. I was taken back by the intense anger I am feeling towards him. Thank you so much for responding. It never ceases to amaze me how much being connected to this disease can make you feel like you are losing your mind.
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: NC
Posts: 117
I am SO GLAD I found SR one day as I desperately Google searched alcoholism. There really is no way to get through this disease without support. You are all a blessing and I love you already.
Thank you!!
Thank you!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
You're angry that he's a liar and treating you like you are stupid and can't see what's right in front of your face.
That's the result of his denial, and his stubborn belief that it's his business and not yours to judge or try to control.
What do you do?
Let go.
LET GO.
He's right. Ouch.
It's not yours to control. It's his house too, he's of age, he drinks, he's legally allowed to.
What hurts is that he would value the drinking more than feeling badly that he chooses to lie to his wife to do so.
Well, there's the truth.
You have to detach emotionally from him and what he's doing.
Look at him like he's a strange bug.
You don't understand the bug, how it thinks, what it's plans are. You don't need to.
All you need to do is protect yourself from the bug and take care of yourself.
How?
First by realizing that your emotional serenity is more important that trying to control his drinking, and that you need to step back, let go, and detach yourself from what you see going on.
You have to live in your own bubble. Same house, two different mindsets.
I think it's very hard to accept that you are not connected the way you believed you were, and that that connection is not more important than alcohol.
Currently the two of you are not valuing the same things. He's valuing liquor more.
It hurts, and hurts a lot.
But the truth sets you free.
That's the result of his denial, and his stubborn belief that it's his business and not yours to judge or try to control.
What do you do?
Let go.
LET GO.
He's right. Ouch.
It's not yours to control. It's his house too, he's of age, he drinks, he's legally allowed to.
What hurts is that he would value the drinking more than feeling badly that he chooses to lie to his wife to do so.
Well, there's the truth.
You have to detach emotionally from him and what he's doing.
Look at him like he's a strange bug.
You don't understand the bug, how it thinks, what it's plans are. You don't need to.
All you need to do is protect yourself from the bug and take care of yourself.
How?
First by realizing that your emotional serenity is more important that trying to control his drinking, and that you need to step back, let go, and detach yourself from what you see going on.
You have to live in your own bubble. Same house, two different mindsets.
I think it's very hard to accept that you are not connected the way you believed you were, and that that connection is not more important than alcohol.
Currently the two of you are not valuing the same things. He's valuing liquor more.
It hurts, and hurts a lot.
But the truth sets you free.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
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Posts: 117
Thank you BlueSkies.... your words are very helpful. This detachment thing is tough. A wife is supposed to be supportive, encouraging, loving. Detaching (even with love) is foreign to my nature. I realized a long time ago that I can't control his drinking. Got that one down. But it still amazes me that it still hurts and makes me angry. I don't share my hurt or anger with him. Waste of energy, waste of breath.
You are SO RIGHT that it is VERY hard to accept we are not connected the way we were at one point in our relationship. He is not and can not be my support, my encouragement, my safe place. And I can't be his now either. I guess that explains my tremendous sadness over the past year... moving to anger. I feel like I am going through the steps of grieving.
I am in the process of creating my bubble as I write. Such a good way to look at it.
Thank you again!
You are SO RIGHT that it is VERY hard to accept we are not connected the way we were at one point in our relationship. He is not and can not be my support, my encouragement, my safe place. And I can't be his now either. I guess that explains my tremendous sadness over the past year... moving to anger. I feel like I am going through the steps of grieving.
I am in the process of creating my bubble as I write. Such a good way to look at it.
Thank you again!
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Patticakes-
Welcome.
I did go through the stages of grief around my loved ones drinking. For me I had to grieve the relationship, what I thought a relationship should be and grieve the lose of my loved one and his personality etc.
I also had to grieve that I had choosen this relationship for a reason....and for me I had to grieve that the "beliefs" I had in my family might not work.
I am curious Patti were you a witness to his sobriety 8 years ago, and a witness to his drinking prior, or is this all new for you?
Welcome.
I did go through the stages of grief around my loved ones drinking. For me I had to grieve the relationship, what I thought a relationship should be and grieve the lose of my loved one and his personality etc.
I also had to grieve that I had choosen this relationship for a reason....and for me I had to grieve that the "beliefs" I had in my family might not work.
I am curious Patti were you a witness to his sobriety 8 years ago, and a witness to his drinking prior, or is this all new for you?
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LifeRecovery, I met him while he was drinking. I had never been up close and personal with alcoholism before so I did not understand it at all then. I started going to AL-Anon meetings back then when I realized I was doing EVERYTHING wrong! He finally decided he did not want the life he was leading actively drinking and really started working his program. We split for about 8 months... honestly he needed to work on him and I needed to work on me separate from each other.
I had no expectation of getting back together, but lo and behold we did. Just about the time he reached his 1 year of sobriety. He was sober for 7 more years after that. So yes.... I witnessed the out of control drinking, the steps to sobriety, the serenity achieved with sobriety and the fall back to alcohol.
I absolutely am grieving the loss of the man I once saw come back to life, I grieve the loss of the friendship, love and trust we had in each other. I believe what I am working through now is accepting that I may never see that man again. I am letting go of the hopes and dreams I had for our life together. On our wedding day we made promises to each other that we would continue to work our programs so we could be the best people we could be for ourselves AND for our marriage. I grieve for that broken promise.
I had no expectation of getting back together, but lo and behold we did. Just about the time he reached his 1 year of sobriety. He was sober for 7 more years after that. So yes.... I witnessed the out of control drinking, the steps to sobriety, the serenity achieved with sobriety and the fall back to alcohol.
I absolutely am grieving the loss of the man I once saw come back to life, I grieve the loss of the friendship, love and trust we had in each other. I believe what I am working through now is accepting that I may never see that man again. I am letting go of the hopes and dreams I had for our life together. On our wedding day we made promises to each other that we would continue to work our programs so we could be the best people we could be for ourselves AND for our marriage. I grieve for that broken promise.
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reading your post has me crying. I feel the same. My husband has only been sober for 31 days but I know he wants it to work. But I am so scared that the promisses we made on our wedding day are no longer an option. Yes he is sober and going to AA but he still has a long way to go. I was elated for the first 3 weeks but now I am having a hard time dealing with his stories and lies that he still hangs on to. it is so infuriating. I am so angry that I am not sure I can ever have the man I saw inside of him. But I am trying to be supportive because I love him so much. I am just scared. He seems so distant and resentful. ANd I guess I am too. Life is so hard. But thank you for making me realize im not alone in this. Good luck to you and your hubby.
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Ladyhawk I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sure your husband does want it to work. The fact that he is going to AA is a very good step forward for him. And it has only been 31 days so the fears, anxiety and burdens you have carried during the time he was drinking are still very, very fresh for you. You are having completely normal feelings....do not think you are doing or feeling something wrong. You are not.
Are you attending Al-Anon meeting for yourself? For me they have been a lifesaver for me and have helped me keep my sanity. Al-Anon is for YOU and what YOU need. I have learned that my husbands alcohol problem is NOT about me. There is nothing I can do, say, not do or not say that will change his choice to drink or not drink. That choice is his and his alone! I kept feeling I had to me supportive and encouraging. But even when I did all that his choice was STILL to drink. It is truly NOT about me. I felt such a weight come off my shoulders when I realized his drinking had absolutely NOTHING to do with me!
The recovery process is long and emotional.... but I know of many, many couples who have survived it. All of the couples I know of who have survived this disease are both working a program. It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship.... hard work but I truly believe it is possible.
Be gentle with yourself, love yourself, allow yourself to feel the feelings you have. I have found sharing my feelings with someone other than my husband has been the best choice. I have recently gotten a sponsor with Al-Anon and I run my thoughts by her first and she is able to objectively help me work through what I need to do. Even though my husband is not working his program right now I am going to work mine for ME..... so I can be the healthiest me I can be.
I know exactly how you are feeling.... SO MANY of us that have walked this path too! You are definitely not alone! If you ever need to talk I am here. Sending you hugs and a sincere prayer that you will find some inner peace. <3
Are you attending Al-Anon meeting for yourself? For me they have been a lifesaver for me and have helped me keep my sanity. Al-Anon is for YOU and what YOU need. I have learned that my husbands alcohol problem is NOT about me. There is nothing I can do, say, not do or not say that will change his choice to drink or not drink. That choice is his and his alone! I kept feeling I had to me supportive and encouraging. But even when I did all that his choice was STILL to drink. It is truly NOT about me. I felt such a weight come off my shoulders when I realized his drinking had absolutely NOTHING to do with me!
The recovery process is long and emotional.... but I know of many, many couples who have survived it. All of the couples I know of who have survived this disease are both working a program. It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship.... hard work but I truly believe it is possible.
Be gentle with yourself, love yourself, allow yourself to feel the feelings you have. I have found sharing my feelings with someone other than my husband has been the best choice. I have recently gotten a sponsor with Al-Anon and I run my thoughts by her first and she is able to objectively help me work through what I need to do. Even though my husband is not working his program right now I am going to work mine for ME..... so I can be the healthiest me I can be.
I know exactly how you are feeling.... SO MANY of us that have walked this path too! You are definitely not alone! If you ever need to talk I am here. Sending you hugs and a sincere prayer that you will find some inner peace. <3
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Join Date: May 2014
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thank you yesterday was just a hard day. But my husband did the right thing which I think in my heart I knew he would. I am thankful he chose not to drink last night. He came home and talk to me and it ended up being a nice evening.thank you for your kind words in your reply it helps a lot just to be able to vent and hear other people's stories.none of what any of us are going through is easy but it helps to know you're not alone.
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Join Date: May 2014
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Ladyhawk I am glad you had a good night and were able to talk with your hubby. Those days are always very sweet.
While he is going through recovery I think you would find it tremendously helpful to connect with a recovery group for yourself. Recovery is a long road with ups and downs that can be very emotionally draining. I have learned SO MUCH about myself and how to keep my serenity through my Al-Anon family. At first I didn't even think I needed it.... I am glad I reconsidered.
My concern is for you. You can learn to find happiness, joy, fulfillment whether your husband does the "right thing" each day or not. I have found my happiness does not depend on whether my husband picked up that day or not. I find it within myself.
Hugs!!
While he is going through recovery I think you would find it tremendously helpful to connect with a recovery group for yourself. Recovery is a long road with ups and downs that can be very emotionally draining. I have learned SO MUCH about myself and how to keep my serenity through my Al-Anon family. At first I didn't even think I needed it.... I am glad I reconsidered.
My concern is for you. You can learn to find happiness, joy, fulfillment whether your husband does the "right thing" each day or not. I have found my happiness does not depend on whether my husband picked up that day or not. I find it within myself.
Hugs!!
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