asm505

I just hate that I seem to get to this point then I always start second guessing my decision. Why do I do that when I am so SURE that this is what I want and need?

suki44883

Maybe you're afraid of change. We can get addicted to the chaos, but if you would take some time and go NO CONTACT for say, 30 days, I'll bet you will be much more clear headed about things.

asm505

Its definately fear of change. I wouldn't keep ending up at this same place if it wasn't what I need to do for myself. I am literally here once or twice a year where I am so miserable that I want to leave but then second guess myself. I just need to stop thinking and take it one step at a time.

robgt350

kinda of sounds like you made your decision already to leave him but you sort of want confirmation from others. you have fear about leaving him, well to me fear is a good thing at times, it helps keep us alert and think about things more. but it does sound like his drinking has really hurt you deep down and you lost connection with him and even your own self. maybe go some where different for the weekend and get away from your surroundings/envirenment you been with him in and think about it. you might get a new perspective on things.

unsureoffuture

Thinking of you ASM505,

Change is tough but you sound like you know in your heart its the right decision. Good luck. Focus on what is best for you. Someone once described to me that being in an emotionally unavailable marriage is like being married to a wall. You see it everyday but it really offers you nothing. Hang in there. Brighter days are ahead.

suncatcher

It gets worse before it gets better. He will try very hard to manipulate you and push your buttons. Sounds like that's what he is doing. I always doubted myself and second guessed everything before I left and I posted here when I let him get to me. Everyone here walked me through those feelings and will do the same for you . Stay strong and keep taking care of you. You can do this.

wanttobehealthy

Long before I asked xah to leave I knew I was done with the marriage (not that I didn't keep trying)...

How?

I knew I was done when I was lonelier having him around than I was being alone... I was so much happier when he wasn't home and so unhappy when he was and that said it all to me.

Like you we were barely roommates-- there was no effort on his part, and he was abusive though in subtle ways at first...

Whatever you decide is best for you is the right choice...

suncatcher

It was the same for me. I felt more alone in the same room with xabf than I did when I was alone. I now enjoy my peaceful time alone. that's probably why you don't miss him. You don't miss the chaos. I didn't realize how stressed out I was until I removed myself from it. It was like I could breathe again when I got away from the insanity I was living in. I never want to be back there. So many of us relate to what you are going thru, asm. Just know you are getting there and will be in a better state of mind and stronger than you ever thought possible.

Carol Star

baby steps still get you there