What am I dealing with here?
 

So... I read all the acronyms for the A's in our lives on this forum (which by the way, has helped me emotionally and mentally more times than I can count in the past few months, thanks thanks)... And I am not really sure how to define the A in my life... XRAH doesn't seem to fit.

We just divorced, and while separated, he finally went to rehab. He got out, is doing the 90 meetings in 90 days, lives in a sober living house, has a sponsor, does drug testing and all that. I believe that he is truly sober. However, the verbal/emotional abuse and blame towards me is crazier and more intense than it's ever been. In his eyes, my departure and "destroying our family" was the ultimate betrayal. [Typical example: I woke up to 10 texts on Sunday morning telling me that I needed to know that I was a bleeping "disgrace" of a mother and should not be honored on Mother's Day. Oh, and God is displeased with my wickedness and treachery and my day of reckoning is coming. Seriously, just a normal day of communication from him.] Yes, I am happy happy happy to be divorced, by the way.

So, here is my question... Not that it really matters, I suppose-- I'm working on working on me in Al Anon, but we've got kids together so it would be helpful to figure out what I am dealing with... Is this not-working-recovery behavior? Early recovery behavior? Narcissist who was self-medicating and now is sober behavior? He's always been verbally abusive and even physically abusive, but it's like the divorce and sobriety has seemed to cause him to jump to a new hateful, blaming nutso level.

If anyone could shed light on this, I would appreciate it.

I would love to know the answer to your question. I asked my therapist the same question today. Will it stop when I stop being hurt by what he does. Her answer, maybe no way to tell.

It could be that it has nothing at all to do with recovery (or lack thereof). It could be that he's just a jerk. I would severely limit contact with him to only that which is necessary regarding the children. The rest of the obnoxious texts would go to the trash with no response.

Oh wow. I am sorry that you have to deal with this still.

I have no idea but I know this isn't anything close to what my STBXAH was like when he was in recovery. He was humble, thoughtful and remorseful. Unfortunately, he relapsed and hasn't made back to the rooms (yet). When using/drinking, he becomes so manipulative, dishonest and often times has an angry tone. If he tries the blaming routine, I hang up. I refuse to listen to that crap ever again.

Addicts are great at cheating drugs tests. Are you sure he is clean?

Well, at least understand this part real clear -- Behavior Like THAT is NOT "Working the Program."

Folks who actually work the program, are learning from the meetings, doing the Steps and working with a Sponsor . . . sort of become kind, gracious and spiritual people.

Folks faking it -- Not So Much.

Do you understand what and how Program works? Maybe from the Alanon side?

Here is the AA Big Book -- Free Online -- A VERY Good Read, btw. That is a start into this . . . .

Big Book Online Fourth Edition

It sounds like two things. I am divorced, and being the one that wanted out, it's just typical divorce anger because you have moved on and he obviously hasn't. When I was first divorced, the verbal abuse and games were awful. He would say and so such off the wall things - and he wasn't an alcoholic.

It's been 8 years. We share a child, so we have to talk. It was very bad when I moved on, gave birth in my current relationship, etc. Finally, I just started handling him with kid gloves, apologizing, detaching, and if he started in on me I just wouldn't catch the ball. Just don't reply. It will escalate but the behavior will go away, it's like dealing w a 4 yo.

Second, once they quit drinking the fun just begins, from my reading. He is now a "dry drunk," and will worsen/continue on with bad behavior for about a year if he stays sober AND goes to AA. If he doesn't go to AA idk. Again this is only reading. However, when my AH has stopped drinking for a week (longest he's made it in 6 years), he turns into a monster. I tell him to go- out of the house. He'll get wasted, get the poison back into his blood, and he's at least tolerable. He refuses AA or that he has a problem. But what you are saying is typical from what I gather. A mentor of mine said her NA hubby was the worst the year following rehab. So, I don't know. I wish I knew what was in store for you, for all of us. Maybe encourage AA?

You take the alcohol out of the alcoholic A-hole, and you are left with an A-hole. Maybe that is just the way he is.

Maybe he never got to step 4. Maybe he is a dry drunk. Maybe he is still using, like LMN said.

Whatever it is, it doesn't matter. What matters is that YOU don't take HIS resentments to heart. He can't change you any more than you can change him.

Don't feel guilty that you divorced him, it was the right decision, and he is angry about that, but that is his problem, not yours. HE needs to get over it.

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't use the word "sober" to describe what he is now. Abstinent, maybe, but not sober.

I'm curious, was this a mandated rehab program, or did he go on his own?

Sober is as sober does - he may be "not drinking" but that doesn't mean he's "sober".

Thank you, guys. The more I am coming to understand alcoholism, the more I realize it's such a mental craziness. I try not to let the words and lies sink into me but it's hard. Stepping off the insane abuse cycle is easier said than done.

He was caught stealing meds and confronted by co-workers, then suddenly had an enlightenment that he was an addict/alcoholic and needed rehab. So yes, forced. By that time, I was finished and the divorce process had started. He thought I would reconcile then, but I was just done. His voice messages from rehab were insane. I finally had to call his therapist at the center to try to intervene. I guess I've just been still obsessing (one of MY issues) over whether this is "normal" addict stuff, mental illness, personality disorder or
abuser jackassery. I like to label things and I guess little controller me might just have to accept that I'll never know, and to let go.

So, truly sober is questionable. It's really only a matter of time.

But as for me, I love the steps and love Al Anon. I guess just don't see how it's possible to get past Step Four and still be blaming your ex-wife for ruining your life.

I have heard that kind of behavior described as "un-drunk". Not drinking, not inebriated, but otherwise not any different.

Mike :)

My AH acted the exact same way. Truth is he went to AA, but never worked an honest program. He picked a "sponsor" who wasn't stable (as a cover I'm sure). The moods and verbal abuse continues. I figure dry drunk!?! No!!! He never made it past step 4 (I guess it was too much work). He relapsed on pills and whoa! Talk about a new level of jackassery! He quit meetings all together, became physically dependent on pills and eventually relapsed on alcohol.

My advice- set boundaries and don't engage. Remind yourself that he chooses to act this way and it's no reflection of you. Heck- it probably has nothing to do with you! I'm not divorced but we are separated. I still can get sucked in and have a bad day, but at the end of the day it's not my addiction and I don't want to live miserable like him.

Lol, I love that way you describe it. "Talk about a new level of jackassery!" And
"Too much work."

My story is so similar but my STBXAH is addicted to pain pills, then started drinking a lot. It was the drinking that really pushed me over the edge. I could no longer stand being around him because of it. But his brain needed more dopamine to help the receptors he didn't need so that won out. Good job hubby!! :a213:

Mine started with Adderall then added alcohol during the withdrawal period. Whoa nelly.

I have to say, I searched many forum about what was happening in my marriage. I searched verbal abuse forums, got embarrassed posting there, went to other forums, my ex (then H didn't really fit there either). I came here because I have a alcohol problem. Read the treads here. It was hitting closer to home. But as they say, actually can't remember the exact wording. But if you have a drunk thief, then take away the drunk, you still have a thief. It's 2 separate things.

I continued researching, and I think that I am finally satisfied that he had an undiagnosed personality disorder.

Stuff I went thru was really weird, sometimes I can't even believe it and I was there.

Don't do the research like I did. If it is unacceptable behavior, then it is unacceptable behavior. Alcoholism is difficult to treat, unacceptable, or egregious behavior, add about another 5 years to that, if they are willing to go for treatment, and they usually aren't

I am totally picking up what you are throwing down, Amy55. I've had those incidents too, where I couldn't believe what I was hearing or seeing. I identify the closest with the stories from people picking up the remains from a relationship with a Narcissist or Borderline.

Alright, Bullfrog, the research is in:

You're working your program.
He's not working his.

You still have a bit of a problem with loving to label his issues. (Join the club).
He still has a huge problem with Jackassery. ( I heard about this club. Rumor has it they're all jack asses. Don't Join)

Now what? Do you have any concerns regarding him and the children? How is he with them?

10 nasty texts on mother's day is abuse.

Step back from the abuser.

Make only necessary contact, avoid all other.

He's being abusive because he didn't get everything to go the way he wanted and wants it to go.
That's his problem to work through.
Put up any necessary barriers so that his problem isn't your problem.

Dear texter,

You will treat me in an appropriate manner or you will be blocked. You wont get the new number. /snip

sending you 10 texts full of garbage is not something a recovering person does

I am getting ready to finalize paperwork on my divorce. My X and I separated in March. He went through times that he is quite nice with me, other times that he is total crap to me. Still blames me, I just could not care less. Anytime he gets nasty w/me, I tell him there is really no reason to communicate w/me unless it is regarding our children.

Now, he would never send me ten nasty texts on mothers day. I agree, that is abuse. He wanted you to cave, you did not. So, he is doing all he can to make you as miserable as he is. Don't fall for that sort of behavior.

For my situation, as time passes, it has seemed to get a bit better. I think he had to have time to digest what was happening and come to terms with it. He is not ever going to accept that his behavior caused it, but that's on him, not me. My children and I know the truth and that is all that matters to me.

I am putting my focus into being the best I can be for both my children and myself. I deserve that and so do they. I have turned him over to God, what happens in his future is completely out of my hands.

Good Luck and God Bless!