TexasAngel8

I've only brought up his drinking once. I said, well you told me once that we BOTH have a drinking problem. He said, sure I probably do, but everyone does. Then he names off people in our group, all of whom he is right about. He said, you can HAVE to have one drink a year and be an alcoholic.

So I dropped it. There's no sense pushing that because I'm not going to win.

BTW, I stopped in August.

Why would I prefer to shut up, and prefer to just curl up next to him when he's done for the night? Why do I pretend it doesn't matter? Why do I follow him to the bar and pretend it's our time together when it's really his time to drink and see his friends, but since I was invited that he wants to spend time with me? Why do I pretend it's not sometimes hard on me to watch them all drink up over and over while I sip diet coke? Why do I justify that he's highly functional, like I was, and never aggressive or mean?

Instead I'm excited he makes plans with me, pretend it's not hard to watch, act sweet and loving, tip toe around the next morning so he can sleep til 11, stay low key when he's moody the next day.

The main question I'm trying to see is what is my "gain" in this dynamic? Or what benefit do I think I'm getting? Or what scenario am I trying to play out? I'm trying so hard to see it for what it is. If I can identify what I'm doing, I can work on it. I'm not playing out the controller obviously. What IS this?

I'm not sure this even makes sense.

Hammer

It makes a LOT of sense to me.

I am guessing you are not all alone, this way..

After awhile, you may figure that you are, anyway.

Sorry.

redatlanta

Well you are here and questioning it so I see it as growth. Not happy with status quo.

Only you can answer what you are gaining from it. Some people find peace with staying with their A's - sounds like you are not finding satisfaction with it. Maybe see a little confusion thinking its not such a bad situation, and he is a good guy so you question what is your problem and why are you unhappy?

Is that what you are asking?

BlueSkies1

Sounds like you're waking up from the alcoholic fog.

You are still following the status quo in your relationship. That's ok, life is one baby step at a time.
You've removed the alcohol from your brain, and it's starting to work again, you're starting to think.
And what you're seeing isn't making you very happy.

Continue making changes that work for you. Taking a sober look at what's going on is a bit of an eye opener. You don't have to do anything immediately, except continue to not drink.
Things sink in. Slowly you take what you see and what you think about what you see, and slowly you come to a conclusion of what it means, and what you want or need to change about your life.

I'm not alcoholic but I drank heavily with him for the first several years of my relationship.
Life's a whole different view sober.
The false happiness is the first to go.
So what now?
Find the real happiness. How?
One thought at a time. No emergency, no panic, no immediate action needed. Just clear thought leads to more of the same.
Then action when you've reached a conclusion. On this small thing, on that big thing, and everything in between.

You may find that it was always that way. More than likely you will come to realize that.
His drinking was always about his drinking. It's tough to accept. It wasn't about you even when you thought he was focused on you. He was focused on drinking back then too. Maybe the bar scene isn't any different than it ever was, just your now sober view brings to light what it always was.

So how do you pull yourself up from that thought?
Just do things that are good for you. Move in a direction that is good for you. Make plans that are good for you. Sit and think and see what comes to mind. It's like a maze, cleaning up a life, getting it back to what is healthy. Some days nothing clear comes to mind, but you can keep moving in the right direction until a day with more clarity comes along. Sometimes life is two steps forward one step back. That's ok as long as you are moving the net profit of one step forward.
Reach out to those that appreciate life sober, and keep reaching out to them. Don't let go.