Refiner

I totally agree with this! Doc sounds very self-righteous for being VERY early in recovery. There's a LONG road of healing ahead for your Wife, Doc. I would stop obsessing about every little detail she says or does. You both should be tending to yourselves, and not each other. I'm worn out just reading your posts.

CodeJob

Doc,

Your story triggers me for some reason so I don't think I should really put more than my own experience into your thread.

My RAH and I are at month 13 of his rehab/sobriety. It has been seriously ROCKY. If you are thinking just 6 mo of MC is going to make everything peachy, you are mistaken.

The first few months of his recovery we were both literally shell shocked. We'd just spend time together not talking. Then when we did start talking, we both realized we had 2 different stories of our marriage (A version and Codie version).

If we make it, it is going to take us YEARS to fix it. One of the only reasons I stay at the moment is time in service and the fact I picked this type of person. There is no point in leaving a marriage when I am susceptible to pick another Triple Crown (A, Codie, ACOA). Because I can pick them just as easily as I can pick the most expensive item in any shop. I have taste! Ha ha!

Fandy

AMEN!!!! this constant crawling up her business, snapping your wristband, self analyzing, obsessing about EVERYTHING would infuriate me and drive me to the other side of the country as far away as I could get....it was exhausting to just read every post.

anykey

lets suppose Doc is a bad man. Now what?

I dont think it is productive for her to go on a guilt trip.

Everyone here has things in their past- they would rather not talk about.

littlesister1

THIS

readerbaby71

All I'm hearing from Doc is about what SHE needs to change and how SHE should behave. That's not productive for either of them.

embraced2000

I can remember doing the same thing as you, doc. I would dissect with the best of them. over-analyze, second guess, what-if, and gobs of other behaviors that kept me in such a mind whirl. I blamed all of this on the alcoholic in my life.

the changes in my psyche came slowly....very slowly....over a period of years. it was hard for me to accept my part in my own misery and unsettled life. it came in little bitty pieces at a time.

I would feel devastated because I didn't seem to "be getting IT" like others around me. it took me longer....my learning curve was different.

humility was the grace that saved me from myself. once I accepted that my life hadn't prospered very well under my "written in stone values", my life began to change for the better.

it was difficult to tear down, and throw away my former value system. I didn't like to admit that I was in error for processing information, and trying to make others see how "right" that I was.

humbling. very, very humbling. and it saved me from myself. the alcoholic in my life was just a symptom of my own perception of reality.

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you ...... i'm hoping that you may take something from what I 'm sharing with you and compare it to your situation.

sometimes, I would feel like such a dunce....like I was really stupid, or everyone else was stupid. would feel hopeless when I saw others in an advanced state of recovery that I couldn't seem to achieve. it was my stubbornness that was holding me back . it is apparent to me now, that all my efforts were not in vain.....for the bits and pieces of recovery I would collect along the way, proved to be cumulative.

here's wishing you the best. keep sharing and posting.

THERE WERE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE THAT WERE KIND AND PATIENT WITH ME.......even when I couldn't be the same for myself.

feel like I owe some of that back.

Aeryn

These threads make me exhausted (just reading them make me tired I couldn't imagine being in the situation)! And I don't mean that mean...I used to obsess....what got me away from it was not being in the isolated tiny world of an alcoholic marriage anymore. My XRAH is 6 months sober and we've been separated two years (legally separated one year) - the time apart has shown me what a great world there is out there - I've taken up guitar again, writing again, and I have tons of new friends (ones that actually are easy to be in relationships with and easy to connect with)...I also date and realize wow I was trying to make something work that just well wasn't there anymore. The isolation of an alcoholic marriage sucked my life away but the good news is once I got out on my own life presented itself in abundance and while there are bad days (of course) it's great! I'm getting ready to make the final official move with my X (we are legally separated only) and yeah it's tough but I couldn't imagine going back to that small isolated world...I think the smallness and isolation in my case was what made me obsess. My conclusion for me is relationships should not be that hard! Sure they are work but no longer for me are they about analyzing and obsessing (never again)...and no more small world isolation with one person for me! I wanted so badly to be "married" I turned into a controlling, over-analyzing, obsessive person...I am so glad I am no longer doing that...it was tiring! And now without that behavior in my life I feel relaxed and free.

That's just my ESH...everyone is different I'm not advising anything (I personally hate unsolicited advice so I try not to give it) it's just one story for you to take or leave.

CodeJob

Thanks Aeryn. It is true that getting isolated with an A can be devastating. I think your approach to the situation is quite commendable! Peace in your heart during finalizing things...

Shining~Again

this thread is no more exhausting than any other on F&F.
now the replies that just repeat others gets bit tiring...but their
generally pretty quick ones. The Thank You button would work nicely too.

Doc -since the "no advice" doesn't seem to be same rules in F&F, I'll just say this:
Reading all you've written-sober time(hers/yours), her inability to move forward, therapists,
meetings, support groups, her parents, etc.....run. You are too young to have to pay the rest of you life for whatever you did before.

Annnd - Mother's Day card? Umm...It's a holiday to honor YOUR mother. She ain't your mamma. If you didn't have the kids do something, then yeah, you messed that up.

ok - hurrying as always.
cheers!

Aeryn

FYI I didn't read and analyze every post before I made mine (sorry got too much going on to do that) I wasn't aware there was such a rule to avoid a "repeat" (I guess I didn't know others had my exact same situation and ESH - LOL....thanks for the info!) - hahaha omg and it's not worth it for me to try to figure out so if it repeated it repeated people will get over it or not, it's my personal ESH for people to take or leave. I'm so glad I'm out of the alcoholic insanity, the thread just sort of reminds me of it. Gotta step out and back to positivity.

Doc - Wish you and your wife the best in whatever path you take. And good for you for realizing your sobriety comes first.

LoveMeNow

That would be a great time to deal with your thoughts. I really think you need your own therapist at this point.

readerbaby71

So Mother's Day is only for honoring one's mother, not the mother of one's children? Mkkkkay.

DocSobrietist

I don't think couples therapy is a good time to relax on my thought-stopping stuff (e.g., the rubber band). Agreed on the individual therapy.

-DrS

DocSobrietist

My wife sent our individual therapist and cc'd me. I skimmed it. It was a letter to her parents about "the incident" (and a lot that came before).

I emailed her back. Said I thought it was good. Said it looked like she took a lot of time writing it. That was all I said.

If / when the issue gets revisited next week at couples therapy I'm going to say that she really doesn't need to ask my permission, solicit my opinion, or even let me know what she tells her parents if she doesn't want to - I agree with what many of you have said here. It's strange that she seems to really want to engage me on this. Again - HER parents. Not my business.

Anyways. It's all good.

-DrS

fairlyuncertain

You might both find relief from your obsessions, resentments and fears if you agreed to a year of a)focusing on sobriety, and b)focusing on learning, through therapy/counselling, etc., how to be excellent parents. Leave the relationship alone. You've got more important things to worry about.

Also, your wife's experience of your addictions and actions is HERS, it's her story to tell, embellish, minimize, whatever. You can't control that, so let go and don't even try. Even if her parents go ballistic and hate you, guess what? Other people get to gossip about you as they choose. Your job is to get comfortable in your own skin, so it doesn't matter. It isn't something for you to try to control.

You will rest easier in your sobriety if you embrace the truth of what you've done. All of it. You don't have to love it, but you do own it. It happened. It isn't your future, if you make sobriety a priority, though. Good luck to you and your wife and kids!!

hopeful4

Good for you Doc!

wanttobehealthy

I agree. I hear a lot your efforts at trying to control or wanting to control what your wife does, when she does it, what she tells and how and to whom. You admit to talking to your best friend at work and your parents but are mad that your wife does the same.

I also think you might get some additional & different perspective type feedback from the A board (in addition to here).

I hear you saying you want to focus on your stuff but IMHO you're spending a lot of time dissecting your wife.

For what it's worth, as an aside, your reasoning for why you didn't get flowers for your wife for Mother's Day sounds like it was about resentment on your part that she hasn't been there for you as you would have liked so instead of going with what you thought of doing, you withheld doing something more for her bc of your past hurts. I'm not judging it and I've done that in the past w my xAH... I know when I did that it was about me being passive aggressive and it hurt us both.

Just something to consider...

DocSobrietist

First, I'd rather obsess and over-analyze here than do it in front of my wife (which is what I'm shooting for - actually, best to just stop doing it at all, eventually).

Second, it's difficult to feel like getting my wife a big Mother's Day gift is something I can do when the last 2-3 weeks have been all about pushing me away. Separate, don't talk to me, anger, etc. But I want you to get me flowers? If I do something nice for her on Mother's Day, it has to be real. And she can't have it both ways. All I had in me was giving her a card. I had nothing else right now. That's unfortunate, I feel bad about it, but I'm not going to blame myself for it or feel guilty about it - it's unfortunate, that's it. But it's where I am right now.

-DrS

MissFixit

Hi Doc,

My 2 cents. The mother's day gift thing is not that big a deal since you are separating. This is one of those subjective holidays that not everyone super celebrates. Like valentine's day. Some do. Some don't. If you guys were happily married, then flowers and a gift would be nice if that is your norm, but the separation is like a mini-break up/ time out. I find it unreasonable to expect a gift from anyone when you are on a time out, but that is just me. The card acknowledges her without pretending that all is fine and dandy.

Not the same type of relationship , but I have an estranged relationship with my mother. I send her a card with some money inside. She can do with it what she wants and I feel no need to engage further. My dogs (my children) give me mother's day gifts purchased by my bf. If we were breaking up or on a break I doubt he would continue this and I would totally understand. Gifts are a symbol of something bigger, if that something bigger isn't there then the gift doesn't mean much, IMHO. Everyone views this differently, but I would resist being sucked into guilt from anyone not receiving a gift from you given the circumstances.

I am sure this will not be a popular sentiment and that is okay.

On another topic, your obsession and over analysis is something that you can choose to control. Therapy should help with that if you are truthful with your T and really working on the suggestions to stop or manage that behavior and thinking. One technique that I use when I am focusing too much on something is to engage in something totally different. Usually exercise or something outside. Being outside has usually helped me relax a bit and lowers my anxiety.